9/24/03--i CAN FEEL IT. IT'S COMING!!! THE DARKNESS IS COMING FOR me. LIKE IT HAS DONE BEFORE, IT WILL CONSUME my SOUL. my MIND. my BEING. i CAN'T EVEN STOP IT. i CAN ONLY SIT AND DREAD ITS ARRIVAL. YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. ALL i SEE IS BLACK. ALL i FEEL IS SADNESS. IT'S LIKE RUSING HEAD-FIRST INTO A BRICKWALL. YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA HURT, BUT YOU HAVE NO OTHER PATH. MAY THE LIGHT HAVE MERCY ON my DARK SOUL.
9/16/03--First off, it's 3:22am. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING UP??? I have to be at work in less than 5 hours, and instead of sleeping, I'm working on this webpage. WHY??? Oh yeah, because I can't sleep. Why can't I sleep? Oh yeah, because I'm stressing out. I'm having another one of my little episodes I guess. Isn't that fuc*ing great!! I tried to sleep. I lied in my bed for like 2 hours, trying to drift off. But instead I just lied there thinking about just how much I HATE MY PIECE OF $HIT LIFE!!!! I really do. I know others will say,"I hate my life", but I really mean it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'm better off than some people. Maybe even a lot of people. But you know what? I'd give it all up. Everything!! My good paying job(which I hate), my free house, my cool truck, my cool tats, my health.....EVERYTHING!! I'd give it all away in heartbeat for just one little thing in return. TO BE HAPPY. I guess that's a pretty big thing actually. Ya know, sometimes I really do think I'm going crazy. Lately, I've been feeling so depressed. Not about anything in particular, but just life in general. But the weird thing is that despite being depressed, I'm not feeling the "pain" of being depressed. And the messed up part is, I WANT TO FEEL THAT PAIN. Before, when I felt the need to feel this "pain", I was able to accomplish it through various methods. Some of them healthy, most of them not. Everything from my recent tats and piercings to the stupid permanent scars I've put on my body were for one reason......to FEEL that pain. But that just doesn't seem to do the trick anymore. I'm sitting here wondering "Why am I here?" I don't think I really serve any purpose. I look at people who's lives I've wondered in and out of, and to me they all would have been better off if they had never met me. If I had never entered into their lives at all. I'm sure they would all disagree(well maybe not all of them, but some of them for sure), but the fact is...I don't think I had any positive impact on their lives. Or maybe the real truth is that I gave them all my 'positive energy' and took all their 'negative energy' into myself. I bet a large portion of my former acquatinences would say something like "You gave me such a great outlook on life" or "You made me feel good about myself" or "You showed me that there really are nice people in the world". I think that would qualify as me giving them 'positive energy' wouldn't you?? But look at me! I'm stuck in a life, in a world that I hate. A daily existence that more often than not, downright depresses me. Yet I meet people everyday that go through life pushing their 'negative energy' on others without care, and those people go to bed at night smiling, not crying like I do. And yes, yes, yes....I know that supposedly my good deeds will "pay off" in the end. But guess what? I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!!! I'm super-stressed, super-depressed, suffer from panic attacks, have some weird psychosis', shun human contact, and generally try to be alone. Wow....what a great life huh?? You know how people say "If I could go back in time, I would do this differently"? If I could go back in time, I'd probably go all the way back to when I was concieved and put a stop to that(not that I would really enjoy seeing my parents going at or anything!!). This all sounds pretty damn depressing huh?? And therein lies part of my problem. I'm not feeling the pain that should be associated with all this. I MISS THE PAIN....I NEED THE PAIN!!! I feel so detached from everything. No lifelines, no safety harness....nothing. I have no trouble making others smile and laugh, but I can't seem to do the same for me. Why is that. Right now, it's a comfortable 77 degrees in Joshua Tree, and I'm really thinking that's where I need to be. To vanish, to fade from society, to erase my existance. To be the face in the crowd that nobody notices and nobody cares about. To never be mentioned in conversations. To just "not be". Well, it's almost 4am, but I'm still not tired. Guess I won't be sleeping tonight. And there's a pretty good chance that after showing up at work and working from 8-4, I'll get stuck staying for my regular shift and not get out of work until like 8 or 9pm. And knowing me, I'll be so mad/sad/pissed about that, by the time I get home I still won't be tired. And probably won't sleep that evening either. I've been this way before, sleeping a couple hours every few days or so. It's not like my mind needs anymore stress. Well, I'm done with this rant. I'm gonna go in search. In search of some kind of feeling. Sadness, happiness, PAIN........anything.
8/23/03--Okay, this won't make much sense to most people. It probably won't make sense to anyone. But I can *feel* it coming. Or should I say "it". I can feel the evil coming. When I say evil, I don't mean like the 'devil' or something like that. It's kinda hard to properly explain. The easiest way to explain would be taking that 'feeling' you get when something bad is about to happen, and then multiply it like 1000 times!! I just KNOW bad things are on the horizon for me. I can feel the negative enegy swirling around me, building in strength, preparing to attack. I can feel the gravity increasing, trying to drag me down. I CAN FEEL IT!!! The last time I felt this much negative energy, well......let's just say that a bunch of anger and sadness built up inside of me and I tried to release it in "non healthy" ways. I still have those scars, and I'm not looking forward to more of them. So, to that end, I'm taking steps to prevent and protect. Dragons!!! Dragons have long been considered protectors, so I need to get my own dragon. And while this may seem like just crazy ranting, in my own head I'm clear and lucid!! It all makes sense to me. The path to take has been shown to me, and I am compelled to follow.
