- Douglas Adams
"The Problem with Reality is the lack of background music"
- Anonymous
"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it."
- Anonymous
"Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item."
- Anonymous
"Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?"
- Anonymous
"The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more."
- Anonymous
"I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes."
- Dave Barry
"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history."
- Bits & Pieces
"There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse."
- Wuentin Crisp
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
-- Franklin P. Jones
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
---A. Whitney Brown
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
You can't have everything....where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." -- Dan Rather
"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?" -- La Rochefoucauld
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." -- Burt Bacharach
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." -- Eric Hoffer
"I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words." -- Jo Ramos
�Remember, it�s always darkest just before it goes totally black�
"If you're here, who's running hell?"
�Comedy is tragedy plus time�
�Nonsense is better than no sense at all.�
One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
If a person wants to be atheistic, it's his God-given right to be an atheist.
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.--Albert Einstein
Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce