there is no focus...i am unsure of how to begin...
explanation would probably be best
In Feb, 2000 we finally got our own place...$295 in subsidized government project housing, but it was all ours...with his ssi and my full time job at walmart paying 6.24 (the most i've ever made i'm sorry to say), we were doing really okay, saving little by little...we started planning the wedding, small as it was going to be (the guestlist was smaller than 40 people)...my dress was going to be offwhite, kind of renaissanse-ish, with the arms and skirt parts being lace with threads of lavendar through it...Jake was to be in a casual black suit with a matching lavendar shirt...i found these really nice purple candles to go on the table at the reception...it was going to be on December 21 (yule), 2001, the first day of significance after his 21st birthday...we were planning on having it in a hotel banquet hall in Myrtle Beach, and then maybe going on a cruise for our honeymoon...
soon after we moved in he kept complaining of headaches, and started having a strange swelling in his left eye socket...it got so bad that one day he couldn't wear his artificial eye anymore...in July, he had surgury to remove nasal pollups, which were sent down to the lab...they were cancerous...he went in for a CT scan...2x7 centimeters, and very close to his brain...the outlook was grim, but he tried the chemo anyway...on a week, off for two, on a week...on September 7, the day after he came off his second treatment, he was napping (as he did a lot those days), and i noticed his breathing was odd...i tried to wake him up...i screamed, he didn't hear me...i called the ambulance...on the way he stopped breathing...they put him on a breathing machine...the next afternoon they ran some tests...he was braindead...late that night, he passed from this world...
i have no idea what my purpose is now...
he was 19 years old...this Halloween would have been our 3rd anniversary...
he told beth he didn't even remember going to the hospital...he asked if that's where he died...he told her to tell me, because i can't hear him myself, that he loved me and that he would come for me when it was my time...
i almost wish i was suicidal...but that's against the rules...
"[S]he's gone to heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world"
i guess this page is going to be part of my "healing"...i'll post here all the condolences i've received from people, some thoughts or poems, whatever occurs to me...
me...without him....even though I know he's always with me...it's confusing, frustrating.....
i think this is the most uncertain i've ever been...
You can start with the tribute i put up on the band's webpage...