Quotes
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
-Emo Philips.
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know
I'm firing blanks."
-Emo Philips.
" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
-Emo Philips
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
-Emo Philips
"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash of something..."
-Emo Philips
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
-Emo Philips
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
-Emo Philips
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
-Emo Philips
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm goint to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into corners very well."
-Emo Philips
"I like children - fried."
-W.C. Fields.
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
-Woody Allen.
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead."
-Woody Allen.
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
-Terry Pratchett.
"They may have been ugly. They may have been evil. But when it came to poetry-in-motion, the Things had all the grace and coordination of a desk-chair."
-Terry Pratchett
"The structure of the university was such that, to become a member of the faculty, you merely found some obscure subject that nobody else claimed to teach, set up an office, and showed up at meal times. If you were unlucky, you may attract students."
-Terry Pratchett, 'The Last Continent'
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."
-R.D. Laing.
"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
-Denis Leary
"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."
-Dennis Leary
"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
-Fulton Sheen.
"'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'."
-Dave Barry.
"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
-Elton John.
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."
-Groucho Marx.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend and inside of a god, it's too dark to read."
-Groucho Marx
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
-Groucho Marx
"Who are you going to belive, me ot your own eyes?"
-Groucho Marx
"I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away."
-Nancy Mitford.
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."
-Erma Bombeck.
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath."
-Richard Zera.
"Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'."
-Joe Namath.
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
-Jim Carey.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-Sue Murphy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-Benjamin Franklin.
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-George Jean Nathan.
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
-John Mendosa
"I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in."
-Mick Miller
"I bought an audio cleaning tape. I'm a big fan of theirs."
-Kevin Gildea
"Mick Jagger is about as sexy as a pissing toad."
-Truman Capote
"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad."
-Salvador Dali
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
-Joan Rivers
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 and hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."
-Rita Rudner
"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "Stupid Psychopathic Git."
-Alexai Sayle
Rarely is the question asked: "Is our children learning?"
-George W Bush
"You can tell alot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."
-Ronald Reagon
"I'm so unlucky that if I ws to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
-Freddie Starr
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an ass kicking contest."
-Rowan Atkinson
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airoplane, and everyone joins in."
-Tommy Cooper
"Never put a sock in a toaster."
-Eddie Izzard
"Twang him into a tree!"
-Eddie Izzard
"Nooo! You don't have the Nottingham Twang!"
-Eddie Izzard
"Wouldn't you rather die and be twung into a tree?"
-Eddie Izzard
"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."
-Eddie Izzard
"I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in beeeees!"
-Eddie Izzard
" Help!! I'm covered in beeeeeeees!!"
-Eddie Izzard
"Who's pig is this?"
-Eddie Izzard
"You silly twisted boy."
-Spike Milligan
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
-Steven Wright
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
-Steven Wright
"Some people are afraid of heights, not me, I'm afraid of widths."
-Steven Wright
Welcome to the asshole of the world captain.
-Apcolypse Now
I believe there is a place where the restless souls wander.
Burdened by the weight of their own sadness.
They wait for a chance to set the wrong things right.
Only then can they be reunited with the ones they love.
Sometimes a crow shows them the way.
Because sometimes love is stonger that death.
-The Crow
If I ever write the story of my life, don't be surprised if you're where it begins. I was born the day you kissed me, and I died inside the night you left me, but I lived, oh how I lived, while you loved me.
-Unknown
The reason I'm having so much trouble flying this ship is because it's black. The walls are black, the floor is black, the console is black, the switches are black, the labels are little black letters printed on a black background, and when you press anything, a black light lights up in black to tell you you've done it.'
-Ford Prefect (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
Don't try to out-weird me, three eyes. I get weirder things than you in my breakfast cereal.
-Zaphod Beeblebrox (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galazy)
"It startled him even more when just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's Prize for
Extreme Cleverness he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists who had
finally realized that the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smart ass."
-The Hitchiker's
Guide to the Galaxy
"If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me."
-Zaphod Beeblebrox (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real
women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from
Alpha Centauri.
-The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral
fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes."
-'Hitch Hiker's Guide to the
Galaxy: part III: Life, The Universe and Everything
"That's cool," said Zaphod. "We'll meet the meat."
-Zaphod Beetlebrox (The Restaurant at the
End of the Universe)
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
-Ford Prefect (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"Life; loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-Marvin the Paranoid Android (Hitchhiker's guide
to the Galaxy)
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been
widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams
"It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of
celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away."
-Calvin and Hobbes
"I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the
runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar."
-Calvin and Hobbes
"So we reach into the raging chaos, and we pluck some small glittering thing, and we cling to
it, and tell ourselves it has meaning, and that the world is good, and we are not evil and we will
all go home in the end."
-Lestat (Tale of the Body Thief by Anne Rice)
"God kills, and so shall we indiscriminately He takes the richest and the poorest, and so shall
we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like Him as ourselves."
-Lestat (Interview With The Vampire by Anne Rice)
"There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my knees shake with
blind affection. My mind begs you to ask it something so it can obey."
-Buttercup (The
Princess Bride by William Goldman)
'Life is pain. Anybody that says different is selling something.'
-Fezzik's mother (The Princess
Bride by William Goldman)
"All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."
-Animal Farm by George Orwell
'How can I help it?' he blubbered. 'How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and
two are four.' "Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three.
Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane." -
-1984 by George Orwell
'And I, of course, am innocent of all but malice.' - Fiona (Sign of the Unicorn by Roger Zelazny)
To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time
ago." - Corwin, Sign of the Unicorn
"Of all my relations I like sex the best, and Eric the least."
-Nine Princes in Amber by Roger
Zelazny
*Constance nervously bites her thumbnail* Tybalt: Do you bite your thumb at me sir?!
Constance: No! I just bite my nails, that's all. Tybalt: Do you bite your nails at me sir?!
Constance: No I swear! Look, I'll never bite them again. This'll be a great chance for me to quit
once and for all. Thanks.
-'Goodnight Desdemona (Good Morning Juliet)'
Hamlet (holding a skull): "This is Yorick, I can tell." Horatio: "Boy, you must have known him
well."
-Green Eggs and Hamlet"
"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then
do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement."
-Gandalf (The Fellowship of the Ring by
J.R.R. Tolkien)
"Even when reading is impossible, the presence of books acquired produces such and
ecstasy that the buying of more books than one can read is nothing less than the soul reaching
towards infinity... we cherish books even if unread, their mere presence exudes comfort, their
ready access, reassurance."
-A.E. Newton
"Behind them lay pain, and death, and fear; ahead of them lay doubt, and danger, and
fathomless mysteries. But they weren't alone."
-The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must
be in want of a wife.
-Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
"Fifteen religions at least. That's a lot of religions for one God."
-The Virginian by Owen Wilder
"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas
they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my
mind."
-Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
"A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company"
-John
MacDonald (The Turquoise Lament, 1973)
We die containing a richness of lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have
plunged into and swum up as if rivers of knowledge... characters we have climbed into as if
trees, fears we have hidden in as if caves. (...) We are communal histories, communal books.
We are not owned or monogamous in our taste or experience.
-Michael Ondaatje, The
English Patient
"Her imagination was by habit ridiculously active when the door was not open, it jumped out of
the window."
-Henry James, Portrait of a Lady
"Shared Pain is Lessened, shared Joy increased, thereby do we refute Entropy..."
-Michael
Callahan, Callahan's Crosstime Saloon by Spider Robinson
'because we are the people, and the people go on'
-Ma Joad (The Grapes of Wrath by
John Steinbeck)
'Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add
pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you
can.'
-Alice Hoffman (Practical Magic)
The butler entered the room, a solemn procession of one.
-P.G. Wodehouse
"But what was there to warn about, besides the fact that he glowed in the dark?"
-Tamora
Pierce
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to
be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a
commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like
spiders across the stars."
-Jack Kerouac, On the Road
"Certain things should just stay as they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those
big glass cases and just leave them alone."
-Holden, 'Catcher in the Rye'
"This book is dedicated to my brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She
always comforts and consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing, and endures all.
She also writes my dedications."
-Albert Malvino
"All of us are born with a set of
instinctive fears--of falling, of the
dark, of lobsters, of falling on
lobsters in the dark, or speaking
before a Rotary Club, and of the
words "Some Assembly
Required."
-Dave Barry
"One must ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste."
-Goethe
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