I've been enamored by wedding TV shows lately and yesterday I felt compelled to write down how I would plan my wedding if I could do it again.
As I think about what I would have done differently, I realize that it would have cost us upwards of $30,000 to have the kind of wedding that I described. There's no way Drew and I could have afforded that. Honestly, I'm glad we got married sooner (and with a smaller budget) than trying to wait and save enough money.
Also, I've learned from my experiences and now know what I liked, what I didn't like, what our guests would do, what they wouldn't do, and how to go about managing all of that. But since I had no experience with planning my own wedding before, there's no way I could have known what would have happened. Highsight is always 20/20 and this is no different.
Finally, everything else is just details. The colors and decorations would have been different, the wedding date would have been different, and the attire would have been different,,, but we had our reasons for why we had picked what we did. There's no use crying over the details. So I think I'm finally moving on.
I put on my wedding dress and veil last night for the first time since my wedding day. I didn't have any make-up on, my hair was twisted up in a claw clip, and I had silver square loop earrings on. That was it, and I looked beautiful. I wasn't upset, I didn't cry, I was content to meditate on my current place in life and be happy to be married. Now it's time to have the dress cleaned and preserved, to throw out the 8 month old wedding cake in the refrigerator, and to look ahead to next week, next summer, and next year.
I have arrived.
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Monday, 1/14/2008
Elkyn and I had an interesting talk this past Thursday about my employment here at SUNY New Paltz. We were talking about the ongoing problem with the trouble-making students and the fact that our employment can be terminated at the end of any given budget year just because the student senate decides to reallocate those funds somewhere else. Well, Elkyn is of the opinion that once those students are finished auditing Kecia and SA Graphics and the dust has settled from that fall-out, they'll probably be coming from my position and TCMC. So whether it was wise or not I'm not sure yet, but I told Elkyn that I've already started looking for something new because I don't want to wait for a 20 year old student to tell me that they think I'm not necessary anymore. Plus I want to go back to school so I would like to work in a position for an institution that encourages that (unlike where I currently am). I've been doing a lot of research about possible colleges and universities that have a master's program that I'm interested in, as well as a tuition assistance program that will pay for me to take my classes. Some of those institutions are UNC-Chapel Hill, George Mason, U. Maryland-College Park, U. South Carolina-Columbia, Florida State-Tallahassee, U. Florida-Gainesville, Emory in Atlanta, and U. of South Florida-Tampa. So I'm constantly scanning job search websites for employment at these places, as well as still looking for more programs at more institutions. I remember applying for this job and after sending out 70 resumes, I only received 5 call-backs and 1 job offer. I'm mentally preparing myself for a lot of work with very little results.
I've resolved to begin praying on a daily basis for peace. I find myself restless, upset, and frustrated on so many occasions that I just don't even know where to begin. I can be in a perfectly fine mood, and then all of a sudden I'm home, or at work, or pulling to the grocery store, and I just get royally angry for no apparent reason. I have no idea where it comes from, but I find myself unconsolable. I get impatient and angry with Drew even though he didn't do anything wrong. I'm constantly swinging between anger, frustration, impatience, anxiety, and then guilt, self-deprecation, depression, and sometimes after I completely break down because I can't handle all the negative emotions that I'm combatting, then I feel happy for a short time. I think I rely on Drew to make me happy but because I'm not embracing and living the true peace that only God can give, it's impossible for anything (or anyone) in this world to comfort me and make me happy. So I'm praying because if I don't, my marriage won't last because I will push my husband's patience to its limits.
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Wednesday, 1/9/2008
As part of my new year's resolutions, I'm trying to journal more often (ideally once per week) to help me remember more of what's been happening in my life. I've found that I lose track of time and tend to forget the experiences, feelings, and lessons that I should be using to enrich my life.
The big thing right now is we've just celebrated our first holiday season together as a married couple. We spent Thanksgiving weekend with Karen, Dan, Brian, Mom Pink, and Dad Pink @ Drew's parent's house. It was very different from what I'm used to with my side of the family but I know I'll get used to it as the years go by.
Well, then we celebrated Christmas with my family and it was really nice and a lot of work. For the first time (and perhaps the last) my family celebrated Christmas at my grandmother's house in Virginia. Drew and I drove to Philadelphia the Saturday before Christmas to have dinner and visit with Aunt Arlene and Uncle Ray, Amy, Carl, Elizabeth, and new-born lil' Ray, Daniel, Mom Pink, Dad Pink, and Nana. Then we drove to Baltimore to stay the night and see my brother for the first time in almost 7 months. On Sunday afternoon Drew and I watched the Browns game with Sean and Joyce and then drove to Newport News to start helping with food prep. Drew and I did some last minute shopping on Monday and then Grandma and I cooked until Mom and Sean arrived. The otto came on the train and we all celebrated Christmas morning together. I was so surprised at getting a laptop computer from my mom, grandma, and Sean (made possible by Otto's help). We also saw Miss Martha, Uncle Jimmy, Uncle David and Teresa, Marie, Ron, Erin, David, Sarah, and Amanda, Kathy, Blaine, Matt, and Mike, James, Pam, Corey, Austin, Katelyn, and Pam's daughter Lindsey. Also, James finally proposed to Pam! They haven't set a date yet but we're all so excited because we love Pam!
We left Virginia before New Years and headed to Maryland to visit with James and to go to dinner with Barbara and Mike. Drew and I celebrated New Years together in New York at home, just the two of us. We were both fighting colds so it was a very low key night. We caught up on some movie watching by going to Middletown and seeing both Enchanted and National Treasure: The Book of Secrets. I think Drew was about to gag by the end of Enchanted but I thought it was adorable and we both liked National Treasure.