Jokes
"Differences between Men & women"
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
dance with her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her
How to impress a Man
Show up naked
Bring Beer
10 Things Men Know About Women
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10. Women have boobs
The Differences Between Men and Women
Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful
they are.
Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another
country. It's a whole different way of thinking
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A
woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a
b--ch
Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is
smarter
Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women.
For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or
is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"). For a woman commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his
up
It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence
It starts BABY-then BOY-then GUY-then MAN-then SIR- then finally MISTER
BABY-then GIRL-then MISS- then LADY- then WOMAN then finally MADEMOISELLE
notice: men-4,3,3,3,3,6 /women-4,4,4,4,5,12 (can we see the maturity and intelligence
levels in names)
Men Putdowns
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Stupid things to know>
did
you know??
If
you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh My Gosh!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)