Inside Special
�You may look at this gay episode of �Rex and Benny� as a co-pilot,� meowed Benny the gray cat who was tied to a tree on a dog leash.
��Rex and Benny� stories are stupid, boring, and full of gay parts,� barked Rex.
�Alexei steals most of his ideas from TV show episodes,� meowed Benny.
�Oooh, copyright infuckment! Infuckment!� barked Rex.
Alexei went to school, wearing a sleeveless shirt. All the kids made fun of Alexei and said, �dude, you look like a fag.� A counselor woman walked by, looked at Alexei and thought,� poor kid. Everybody is probably making fun of him because he looks gay. I�ll cheer him up.�
�I like your shirt,� she said as she smiled.
STARRING: Rex the German shepherd dog // Benny the gray and white cat // Alexei the stupid skinny ugly shitty Russian kid with glasses // Alexei�s bitchy retarded Russian mom// Alexei�s American stepdad who is a woodworker // Andy, the stepson of Alexei�s stepdad and Alexei�s stepbrother, with a sexy diesel muscle type body, lives in Crestline, on San Bernardino mountains // Nikki, Andy�s Mexican girlfriend, lives with her mom and two sisters in Running Piss Springs, SB mountains // Nigger Corey who wears glasses and lives with his parents and his sister in Crestline on San Bernardino mountains.
Rex and Benny 0: Inside Special
�Alexei is a shitty skinny ugly Russian kid who wears glasses lived in Russia, in Saint Penisburg�fuck I mean Saint Petersburg�with his bitchy Russian mom and grandma,� meowed Benny his gay tale. �They watched Mexican soap operas on a black and white 12 inch TV built during WWII with its knobs falling off. They lived in a stinky apartment. Alexei didn�t have any friends. Alexei would look at stinky buses out the window and obsess with them. Alexei�s bitchy mom and grandma would beat Alexei if he cussed with a belt or threaten to call the local militia on him or throw him out of the house. Kids at school beat Alexei, stuck lighters in his face, and dropped him on the floor and walked on him with their feet. Alexei would take a bath once a month. Alexei would see his grandma undress and saw her yellow bra strap and piss stains on her underwear.�
�Good fucking story,� barked Rex. �Gives us more analysis into the character of Alexei. Alexei�s bitchy mom has always hated any place she ever lived in. She posted herself on the Internet � of course she didn�t have a computer so she must�ve found some way. She wanted to marry any man outside of Russia, be it in France, Nigeria, Mexico, United States��
�Let me cut in here,� meowed Benny. �French people are fags and they don�t wash their ass, Mexico and Nigeria are shitholes, and United States would be the obvious choice.�
�Yeah, but she is fucking stupid,� barked Rex. �Anyway her name is Inna and John Samul decided to look through personals on a computer and found her. That is a thing someone would regret because her stupidity has infinite power and it would be hard to describe what she is like. John is woodworker and he paid for Alexei, his bitchy mom and bitchma � by bitchma I mean grandma � to come to United States and live in Rimforest. That is when Alexei got me, Rex the German shepherd dog and you��
�Fuck yeah!� meowed Benny.
�Benny the gray cat,� barked Rex. �But before us Alexei had two parakeets which died from smoke from the stove because of Alexei�s bitchy mom�s cooking. Alexei would go to 6th grade wearing shorts that would be 6 inches long.�
�I want to have sex with a parakeet,� meowed Benny. �I want my cat penis to penetrate the crusty shit on the parakeet�s cloak. I will piss inside the parakeet. The parakeet will fill up with piss and explode into a pile of shit.�
Rex began to smile and wag his tail at this funny comment. Benny took a shit and Rex began to sniff it. Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, exhale. Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, exhale. Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, exhale. Sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, sniff, exhale.
�I was actually bought one and a half to two years before Rex,� meowed Benny. �I had to live in a trailer for a year and a half, all alone exept for summers when Alexei�s bitchy Russian grandma would come and her and Alexei would watch �Land Before Time� movies in the trailer. Alexei was 15 and he would ride a bicycle with some gay little kid who was 8 and he would be Alexei�s master and leader and then they would play with toy trucks in the dirt.�
�Disturbing shit,� barked Rex. �All this shit was happening when we were in Rimforest. Alexei�s fat grandma doesn�t shave her armpits.�
�So why does Alexei write so many stories,� meowed Benny. �Why go for 67 if nobody reads them.�
�Fucking stupid moron if you ask me,� barked Rex. �Anyway, Alexei�s bitchy Russian mom is a crazy woman and she bitches at Alexei�s stepdad everyday, especially about lacquering cabinets. She can smell fumes a mile away. I compiled a gay list on bitchy mom.�
BITCHY MOM SPEAKING: �Don't eat Mexican potatoes aka spicy chips (Doritos, Cheetos, etc) It can cause a cancer of the stomach. Swedish scientists have proven. Awful McDonald's food. Spicy pizza causes hemorrhoids (she calls it hemoroy) and stomach cancer. It is best to prepare your own food. Here is some recipes.
CHOPS -- Ground beef slapped into a chop aka hamburger. 2 inches thick. Cut up a whole onion and grind it into it. Boil or fry cut up potatoes. Chops and potatoes are placed on a plate, pour 1/4 inch of Mazola oil on top of that and eat. Goes best with salad. Roughly cut up thick slices of tomatoes and cucumbers, pour 1/4 inch of oil on that and eat raw.
SOUP - boil potatoes, cauliflower, cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes, peppers (not the spicy kind!!!) in a big pot, add pepper (salt and pepper type pepper), add quarter of a bottle of Mazola oil and eat.
BORSCH (BORSHIT) (delicious Russian soup)- see above but add lots of beets on top of that so it is bright magenta red. Goes best with some sour cream in it.
ICE CREAM -- buy lots of blueberries, mix them raw with whipping cream. The berry juices melt with the whipping cream. Delicious!
CRANBERRY PUNCH -- Bag of cranberries, boil in big pot.
PIES -- Lot's of ground beef, cut up eggs, cut up onions. Make crust, 1/3 inch thick, filled with that and roll up to form a pocket. Fry on a pan. Each pie must be (2ft long, � foot wide) for a single person. Make the same pie, but use apples instead. There is two kinds, meat and apple pies. Use lots of cooking oil.
SANDWICH -- Buy cheese, the kind you can cut thick slices off. Place thick slice of cheese upon a bread bun and eat.
EGG OMELET -- Pour quarter inch of cooking oil (MAZOLA) on skillet. Break some eggs and fry for ten minutes. The edges must be burned and crusty, greenish texture will be in a few places. Eat with a bun of bread with butter or margarine.
WARM GLASS OF MILK-- Regular milk, heat up in a microwave.
�Here is what it would be like if Inna bitched about �Rex and Benny� stories which she does not like but you could apply her bitching to any other thing,� meowed Benny. �The story website is www.geocities.com/rexandbenny/one.html.�
IF YOU DON'T READ A VERY SINGLE STORY, CANCER WILL BE. I SPENT BIG TEARS WHEN I FOUND OUT ONLY 3 HITS ON MY PREVIOUS STORY. IT IS A MOST JUICEFUL STORY! YOU'RE NOT A POOP OF THE EARTH, NOT TO READ A JOYFUL LOOKING STORY. WHY SUCH A CRUELTY, SPECIALLY AGAINST ME, YOU NEVER FULFILL MY WISHES FOR 0.5 YOURS, TO GO TO MY WEBSITE. THE FIRE TOOK ALL MY THINGS ONE YOUR AGO AND NOBODY HELPED SO YOU MUST FEEL SORRY FOR ME, TO GO TO MY WEBSITE. IF YOU DON'T WANT ME IN AMERICA TO BE HAPPY, GIVE MONEY FOR A TICKET TO GO TO RUSSIA. YES, THAT IS RIGHT. STORY TIME! WEB SITE TIME, COME! MOST QUICKEST READING! READ A VERY SINGLE STORY! WEB SITE IS WAITING FOR YOU! I SPENT BIG TEARS WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT THERE IS ONLY 3 HITS! TO PUT SOME HITS ON MY SITE! TO VISIT A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL WEB SITE! IT IS VERY JOYFUL LOOKING! WHY SUCH A CRUELTY NOT TO VISIT MY WEB SITE? WHAT DID I DO FOR YOU TO PUT ALL THE BLAME ON ME LIKE I DID SOMETHING?
Go to Internet and there is a special space to put in an address. Do you know how to do this? To put exactly otherwise will not work. I don't know about http do you have to type that in? What I always see people do that they don't even put in a www into the special place. It is so hard to do... I don't know... it took me many yours (Alexei�s mom pronounces word year like word your) to be adjusted to this. It is a very strange American way. Sometimes you type and oh... it is not there. You have to click exactly with a cursor into a special place, to make sure it is a blue background on letters then to type in a full address like I have explained. Not to forget to do this. There is many steps.
�Andy is Alexei�s stepdad�s stepson,� barked Rex. �He graduated high school and works for Alexei�s stepdad. Bitchy mom bitches at Alexei�s stepdad for paying Andy for working because it takes money away from traveling which she wants to do. Alexei doesn�t have a job.�
�Corey is a nigger and he is Andy�s friend with Nikki who is Andy�s girlfriend,� meowed Benny. �Andy has other friends as well and they should come here and have some of our adventures.�
�The fires happened in October of 2003 about which you can read in �Rex and Benny 22: Fagicians at the Gate� and �Rex and Benny 23: Ass or Nothing�,� meowed Benny. �They burned the house down and the bitchy mom was crying and now she goes around telling everybody about how her house burned down. Even random people she meets at Lake Gregory,� barked Rex. �Now let me tell you about Lake Gregory. Everyday Alexei and his mom drive to this lake located about three miles from VOE right at the town of Crestline. They walk me around the lake. Alexei kicks me and abuses me at the lake. I swim in the lake. Alexei makes me go through grooved drainage pipes and makes me run down almost veritcal cliff. I carry a tennis ball or a pine cone in my mouth every time because I�m a piece of shit with OCD. People walk by and make fun of me for being retarded by carrying a pine cone. I got in a few fights with other people�s dogs as well. One dog kicked my ass when I grabbed his ball. We walk 2.5 miles everyday because mom is a dumb bitch and Alexei is a fag. In Rimforest Alexei made a bridge from a ladder from the side of a hill to the roof of the woodshop and then I would go to the roof across it.�
�Well said,� meowed Benny. �Everyday in Rimforest Alexei would place this 2� by 1.5� cage over me and I would sit in it all day. Then Alexei would take me to the roof of the woodshop and dangle me on the leash off of it.�
�The rented woodshop burned up in the fire as well as the house Alexei�s stepdad rented from a dyke named Carol. She is old and Alexei would like to have sex with her,� barked Rex.
�The latest news on Alexei!� exclaimed Benny. �Alexei wakes up in the morning and goes to Rim High School. He just finished his junior year. Alexei walks around campus at lunch in circles on his own and wears the same jacket everyday. He cut his own glasses in half and uses masking tape to hold them together. Alexei tweaks out by eating skin off his fingertips. He never lets them heal and been doing this for the last 12 years of his life. They bleed at least every other day.�
Rim of the World High School stands on the rim of the mountains. Alexei is a junior. He walks around campus in circles alone, wearing the same jacket and pants everyday. Alexei hung up Anti-Alexei-Ism Uncle Sam posters. Alexei wants to have sex with Uncle Sam. Poster 1: Uncle Sam is holding a wrench, rolling up his sleeve and saying, "Alexei, you're next! Buy sextra bonds." Poster 2: Uncle Sam points at Roosevelt saying, "I want you FDR, make fun of Alexei!" Poster 3: Uncle Sam handing guns, saying, "Yours to kill Alexei!"
�Alexei made a project for AV class where he squeezes my dog shit on a videocamera in his left hand,� barked Rex. �As I was taking a shit, he would catch it in his hand as it was falling out of my ass and videotaped it. He also videotaped me urinating. Then he turned it in and got a D- on it.�
�This winter Alexei has slit his own wrist that took seven stitches to fix and was put in Loma Linda Behavioral Medicine University for two weeks and had to be put on meds,� meowed Benny.
�Alexei also watches TV shows every day and obsesses with them. He records the damn things on VHS tape on a VCR/DVD player. They�re CSI, NCIS, Crossing Jordan, Lost World, 7 Days, The Shield, Yugioh and so on. Then at 8:30 PM every day Alexei�s mom calls him down from upstairs for milk time. She yells �milk time, come!� and �milk is waiting for you!� He drops everything and runs to drink a cup of milk with a Danish and yogurt.�
�If any of you think this shit is made up,� meowed Benny. �So far it is not. It is cold, hard reality.�
�Now for �Rex and Benny: Bullshit!�� barked out Rex. �The San Bernardino mountains are fairly small, located in Southern California. They have mysterious shit energy lines course through them which allow supernatural and scentific to be the two testicles of the same nutsac.�
�That�s like two sides of the same coin,� meowed Benny.
�That way supernatural exists and we were able to face many demons, real and supernatural,� barked Rex. �This place is also full of bears, coyotes, mountain lions, and eagles which must be avoided at all costs because they�re predators who eat pets like us.�
�Lately so much energy was connected to the mountains that they were sucked in by a black hole along with the rest of the universe I believe it was and me, Rex, Andy, Nikki, and Siena got trapped in different realities,� meowed Benny. �Siena is Andy�s mom�s female brown Labrador dog who was born with nine nipples.�
�There was also a time when Alexei spend a year not saying a word to his parents or Andy and his friends,� barked Rex. �That was before he slit his own wrist.�
�Will the stories go on?� meowed Benny a question.
�Well, of course,� barked Rex. �Alexei got ideas for years. Or should I say as long as the shows he watches go on, he will have ideas for years. For all he does is take the plot, modifies it to fit 3 to 4 page written story and adds a bunch of gay parts like rape and so on.�
�Hopefully after reading this story, you might want to consider reading more,� meowed Benny. �More can be found out about Alexei on myspace.com/rexandbenny. Alexei got stories saved everywhere like the hard drive, CDs, floppy disks, and his website.�
Rex and Benny jumped Alexei, the stupid Russian kid mentioned earlier. They wrapped Alexei in a blanket filled with dog turds. Alexei had to break out to be reborn so he can be a good master again. The blanket was supposed to be a uterus. Alexei suffocated inside the blanket and died. Rex and Benny stuffed Alexei in a gym bag and dragged him into the woods. Alexei rotted in the bag and his body turned to soup which coyotes drank.
THE END