note: some of these are repeats.
1. Drum on every available surface.
2. Drop a bag of pennies all over a zebra crossing.
3. Pay for something expensive in pennies.
4. Adjust the tint on the TV so that all the people are green and insist that you like it that way.
5. Play all of the William Tell Overture by tapping your cheeks. Then at the end, say that you made a mistake and repeat the whole thing over again.
6. Repeat this conversation millions of times;
"Did you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind."
7. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
8. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
9. only type in lowercase.
10. don�t use any punctuation either
11. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
12. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
13. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
14. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
15. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
16. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
17. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
18. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
19. Ask people what gender they are.
20. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
21. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
22. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
23. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
24. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
25. Change your name to John AaaaaSmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
26. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
27. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
28. Ask to "interface" with someone.
29. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
30. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
31. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
32. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend.
33. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
34. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
35. Never make eye contact.
36. Never break eye contact.
37. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
38. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
39. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
40. On a long road trip, rename the colours of cars yip, skip and flip etc. And every time a car passes, yell out your new name for the colour of that car.
41.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
42.Staple papers in the middle of the page.
43.Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
44.Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
45.Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
46.Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
47.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
48.Set alarms for random times.
49.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip. . . "
50.Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
51.Honk and wave to strangers.
52.Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
53.Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
54.Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
55.Wear your pants backwards.
56.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
57.Rouse your roommate from slumber each morning with the song "Baby baluga".
58.Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
59.Buy a bunch of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
60.Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
61.Pay for your dinner with pennies.
62.Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
63.Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
64.Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/ UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
65.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now. "
66.Light road flares on a birthday cake.
67.Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
68.At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
69.Sing the "This is the song that never ends. . . " song.
70.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
71.Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72.Drive half a block.
73.Name your dog "Dog".
74.Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
75.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
76.Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
77.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
78.Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
79.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
80.Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
82.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
83.Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
84.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
85.Wear a LOT of cologne.
86.Ask to "interface" with someone.
87.Sing along at the opera.
88.Mow your lawn with scissors.
89.Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
90.Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
91.Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
92.Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
93.Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
94.Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
95.Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
96.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
97.Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
98.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
99.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
100.Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101.Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
102.Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
103.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
104.Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
105.Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
106.Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
107.Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
108.Insist that your e-mail address be [email protected] or [email protected]
109.Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
110.Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
111.Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
112.Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
113.Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
114.Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
115.Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
116.Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
117.Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc., in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
118.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
119.Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
120.Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
121.Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
99 Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream good-bye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order take, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
Back To The Top!
EXCUSES
I'd love to, but...
1.I have to floss my cat.
2. I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3.I want to spend more time with my blender.
4.The President said he might drop in.
5.The man on television told me to say tuned.
6. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7.I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8.It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9.It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10. I'm building a pig from a kit.
11.I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12. I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13. There's a disturbance in the Force.
14. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15.I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16.I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18. I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19. I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20. My crayons all melted together.
21.I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22.I'm in training to be a household pest.
23. I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24.My patent is pending.
25. I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26. I'm sandblasting my oven.
27.I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28. I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29.I'm being deported.
30. The grunion are running.
31. I'll be looking for a parking space.
32. My Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.
33. The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34. I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35. I have to fluff my shower cap.
36. I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37. I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38. I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39. My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40. I have to fulfill my potential.
41. I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42. It's too close to the turn of the century.
43. I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44. My subconscious says no.
45. I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46. I left my body in my other clothes.
47. The last time I went, I never came back.
48. I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49. I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50. None of my socks match.
51. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52. I'm having all my plants neutered.
53. People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."
56. I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58. I'm touring China with a wok band.
59. My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60. I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62. I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63. I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
down.
64. I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65. I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66. I have too much guilt.
67. There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68. I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70. I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71. I feel a song coming on.
72. I'm trying to be less popular.
73. My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74. I have to bleach my hare.
75. I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76. I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77. You know how we psychos are.
78. My favorite commercial is on TV.
79. I have to study for a blood test.
80. I'm going to be old someday.
81. I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82. I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83. I have to rotate my crops.
84. My uncle escaped again.
85. I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86. I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87. I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88. I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89. I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90. I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91. Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92. I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93. I have to jog my memory.
94.My palm reader advised against it.
95. My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96. I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97. I prefer to remain an enigma.
98. I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99. I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100. I'm trying to cut down.
My friends and I came up with these:
101. I have to sweep my yard.
102. My pet rock ran away.
103. I have to grind corn.
104. I lost my pet rock.
105. My pet wig ran away.
106. I tried to fax myself to my parents and I got stuck halfway.
107. I superglued myself to the ceiling.
108. I have to teach my 110-year-old caterpillar to play the bagpipes.
109. My pet wig has run away again!
110. My tone deaf appreciation class meets then.
111. My favorite episode of Roseanne, �My Mom�s Still In College, Majoring in Jug Band Bingo Calling,� is on.
112. My third cousin�s next door neighbor�s uncle�s cousin�s third best friend�s neighbor three doors down�s best buddy�s twin uncle�s bridge partner�s sister is having her eighth (or ninth) baby, and I have to be there.
113. The Pokemon haven�t evolved yet, so I have to get more training facilities.
114. The humane society says I have to come in for a checkup.
115. The neighbors won�t let me out of my basement yet.
116. I�m downloading my clone off the Internet.
117. We�re only allowed to leave the Insane Asylum 3 times a week.
118. I got a computer byte, and now I have a virus.
119. I gave up fun for Lent and never got it back.
120. Bob�s Birdseed Store is having a big sale.
Got an invitation you'd rather decline? No problem. Just pick
a number:
