The worst fears of the stalwart defenders of American Oval Racing Tradition were confirmed Sunday afternoon when rampaging poison monkeys symbolically burned Indianapolis Motor Speedway to the ground. The mighty metaphor for ethnocentric hubris continued to smolder late into the evening, long after an armed patrol of grinning simians finished plowing the freshly revealed soil with rock salt.

"That lead monkey, Zoltan, he's really not such a bad guy," offered one Indy Racing fan, aimlessly poking the smoking earth for souvenirs. "His enthusiasm is really infectious. He's sort of what American Oval Racing Tradition is all about, except, well, he's not American and he's not an oval racer. You've got to admire his professionalism. These guys are class acts all the way; not once did you hear them taunting us or making snide remarks as they systematically overwhelmed our forces, tied us up and caned us."

"They really didn't beat us," explained a less conciliatory Greg Ray, "we beat ourselves. Besides, there's a lot of luck involved in a big battle like this. Things could have just as easily gone the other way. We're still tougher than any poison monkeys, and next year we'll be ready. Would you mind handing me that peroxide?"

IMS legend A. J. Foyt was less philosophical. "This stinks. I told Anton this would happen if he let the hairy little bastards in, but he had to go and challenge 'em. 'Just buy the equipment and show up', he told them. What the hell was he thinking?"