Hordes of armed poison monkeys swarmed through the very heart of American Oval Track Racing Tradition last week, prompting cries of outrage from some of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway's more conservative constituents.

"We're facing quite an ethical quandary", offered visionary IMS burgermeister Tony George as matted fur and flashing teeth rained down around him. "On the one hand, I'm as uneasy as any of us about them, and I can understand how the hardworking IRL team employees and volunteers resent their presence here. On the other hand, of course, they have brought unprecedented media attention to IMS. That's a difficult positive to ignore."

Other members of the IMS community were not as philosophical. "These dadgum monkeys stink!" ranted IRL icon A.J. Foyt.
"I can't stand the idea of the little bastards storming in here like they own the place and taking rides from deserving Chilean dirt-trackers. Gawwd, that stings!" he shouted as a fiery-eyed primate sank it's fangs into his shoulder. "This sure as hell isn't what the IRL was created for!"

"We're still trying to determine if these are foreign or domestic poison monkeys", Brian Barnhart said from the relative safety of a Pontiac Grand Prix double parked in front of a visibly angry Speedway resident's home, "and if it turns out that they're from the Midwest, well, I'm not certain what everybody has left to complain about."

Media pundits have indeed lavished more attention on the Speedway this May than in any of the last five seasons, with well-funded and qualified poison monkeys displacing a number of IRL regulars from this year's Indy 500 grid.