| DEEP THOUGHTS |
| BY JACK HANDY |
| To me boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. |
| To me clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and i think it goes back to the time i went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. |
| Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampeling and eating everything they see. |
| Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he is carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. and also, your drunk. |
| If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think it would be a funny gag to pretend you were swimming. |
| Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem so funny. |
| One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, i was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead i drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to go to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. |
| If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness. |
| Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again bat man." |