The Old Impala by GayCrank

 Back in the late 80's, I had borrowed a car from a friend. It was a 60's Chevy Impala, and desperately in need of a tune-up. It had been becoming increasingly difficult to start. One day I was sitting in the car, cranking and pumping to no avail. The car was not even trying to start. A gorgeous hunk of a man pulled up next to me, outside the apartment. He heard me cranking the engine, and saw me pumping the hell out of the gas. He came over, and asked if I needed some help. I told him thanks, but it just needed a tune-up and should start soon. He said ok, and went on in to his apartment. About 20 minutes later, he came back out to the parking lot. You guessed it, I'm still there grinding away on a hairy fucker that's showing no sign of starting. Remarkably, the battery is still holding up pretty well. He comes over, and asks if I'm sure I don't need some help. I then ask if he would mind getting behind the wheel, and trying it when I tell him. He quickly agrees, and gets behind the wheel. I tell him to go ahead and give it a try, to get a feel for what it's like when the fucker won't start. He hits the starter, and it cranks with no sign of wanting to start. He replies, "Damn!! This fucker doesn't even want to start!!". I reply, "Yeah, tell me about it.". I have him pop the hood release, and then I go raise the hood. I take off the carb cover, and check to see if it's flooded. Sure enough, all the pumping has had an effect on the engine. I lean around the side of the car so I can see this guy, and tell him it's flooded. He immediately puts the gas to the floor, and begins cranking it. He's sure that will work, and when it doesn't he gets pissed off at the car. He's obviously one of these guys that want s to be in control of the car. After holding the gas to the floor for a couple of minutes with the key off, he reaches for the key and tries it again. He's yelling at the car, "Come on fucker, start!!!". Still it's no use, the car refuses to start. I suggest maybe we should try starting fluid. He says it sure won't hurt anything, seeing as how the car isn't starting anyway. So I get the starting fluid out of the trunk, and spray some in the carb. I give him the signal to try it again. he cranks it for a few seconds, and then starts pumping it. Still the car doesn't want to start. What's more, the battery is beginning to fail. He gets out, and comes around to the front of the car. As he does, I notice an obvious bulge in his jeans. He suggest that I try to start it, so he can check out the engine. I get in the car, and turn it over. The car cranks semi-slowly, as the battery is obviously being run down. While I'm cranking it, I say loudly enough for him to hear, "Come on fucker, start for my hairy nuts!!!". After I let it die, he walks around to the driver's door. He says that he doesn't think the fucker's gonna kick over our hard cocks. I agree, but reach for the key anyway. I turn it to start, and the battery strains to crank the engine. I look at him and say, "This fucker's never gonna start without a jump, and I'm not even sure it will kick over with a jump.". He asks if I have cables, and I tell him yes. He then says, "Well let's see what happens.". We hook up the jumpers, and he fires up his car. I then get in my car, and try to start it again. Surpassingly, it starts. Almost. As quickly as it starts, it stalls. Now I'm back to monotone cranking. After a couple of tries, I get out and spray more starting fluid in the carb. This time when I try it, it starts and runs. I tell him that I was going to take it back my friend's house about a mile away, and asks if he would mind following me in case it dies. Fortunately for me, he says sure he can do that. We get two blocks, where I have to stop for a stop sign. When I stop, the car stalls out. I put it in park, and hit the fuckin' starter. As you may have guessed, the fucker fails to start. He sees me pumping and cranking, and comes up the driver's door. By the time he gets there, the battery is failing. AGAIN!!! We hook up the jumpers, and luckily this time it kicks over. Once again, we're on our way. As I pull into my friend's driveway, it dies again. This time when I try it, the battery fails right off. This time we just push it into the driveway. My friend's s/o is also at home, so I thank the guy and he goes on his way. This is one of the hottest car trouble experiences I've ever had.