| Rant : It's Just Shopping, You Guys! Quite often, the �Men Are From Mars� part of my thinking rears its full ugly head and I get tempted to exaggerate gender stereotypes for the simple fun of it. I just never thought it would take me this long to get down to it. Fortunately, today, a pointless exercise ensured that it became priority #1 in my diary of things to do. It really all started when I was meeting two former classmates of mine for dinner. I had received a message that they were shopping at the mall where we were supposed to rendezvous. Minutes before I�d reached said mall, I dashed into a CD store, grabbed the CD I wanted, and was out of there in all of two minutes. Just as a means of comparison for later. Yes, really. Said pointless exercise is known as shopping. I have spent more minutes of my life eating Brussels sprouts (which I vehemently hate) than I have shopping. It�s a �I-know-what-I-want-it-fits-me-fine-let�s-pay-for-it� affair with me. Today, I was exposed to the true horror of shopping with women, and this was conducted under the pretext of �we�re training you, River Dawg, for when you do get a girlfriend�. I�d sooner believe that Elvis is still alive or that the Backstreet Boys are young and talented. I was taught today that women never feel satisfied after spending hundreds of dollars on clothes and shoes if the entire shopping experience was rushed. And that Sexy Top at shop A, though an infinitely good buy by all standards by which the world finds reason, is only truly a good buy is Similarly Sexy Top at shops B, C, D and E have been perused, tried on and rejected. Then the 30-minute trek across town from shop E to shop A to buy said Sexy Top (which was the first item seen when said shopping began 6 hours before) is never a waste of time. The other day I was walking with a guy friend of mine and he pointed to a boutique which he hates to walk into with his girlfriend because �they haven�t got seats for the boyfriends to sit on�. �Nuff said. And so, on that note, I present a tongue-in-cheek guide for guys on how to answer questions that come up during shopping trips with your girlfriend. I do this only because I�m not qualified to give advice on how to answer some of these very demanding questions. You should never ever answer them the way I present them here, even though after reading this, you are likely to crack up every time you get asked the questions. If any of you courageous ones out there are brave enough to spring any of this by your galpal, please let me know the consequences that follow. Question : Which one do I look better in? Answer : This isn�t the lingerie department, sweetheart. Question : Do you think this [$300 jacket] is too expensive? Answer : That�s 50 issues of FHM right there!! Question : Do you think this is too revealing? Answer : Revealing what? Question : Was the blouse in the previous shop nicer? Answer : You mean the one the cute salesgirl was wearing? Question : Can we go to another store? Answer : Sure, how about the sports equipment store over there? Question : Do these shoes match my skirt? Answer : No, but they match your hair/fingernails/ear-rings/hairclip/pajamas/room�s curtains. Question : Do you think I can carry off wearing a pink top to work? Answer : When did you join the circus? Question : Should I get the top in medium or in large? Scenario 1 Guy : Medium. Girl : But that would make me look fat. Guy : You need the top to tell you that? Scenario 2 Guy : Large. Girl : Are you saying I�m fat? Guy : Are you saying you�re pregnant? Is it mine? Question : Are you bored? Answer : Wow, that class I took on telekinesis really works!! I bear no responsibility for any grievous bodily harm that is inflicted on men all over the world as a result of this rant. Attempt answers at your own peril. The whole of mankind please take heed. |