| Rant : An Ode To Dead Flowers and Uneaten Brussels Sprouts Quite often, people can get caught up in a general mood or feeling, and subsequently end up doing rather ludicrously ostentatious things. I�m talking about Valentine�s Day here, of course. It�s hard for me to write this without coming across as bitter, so I shall not bother and just come across as bitter. Not particularly envious about the whole occasion either, for I find myself marvelling at it all rather than anything else. There�s that whole thing about flowers (predominantly roses, although it really depends on what gets the girl going) which I can never really understand. From what I can understand, this involves the inflation of prices beyond the point of reason, without a single word of complaint from consumers� associations about profiteering. The price of a rose can balloon up to 20 times (and possibly more) during Valentine�s week. If you�re gonna invest in a flower shop or a rose farm, then buy into it before February, profit from Valentine�s Day and possibly stretch it through to Mother�s Day (it�s easy if you�re in the UK, where they bizarrely have Mother�s Day in March) and then sell off your stake. Watch the cash roll in, baby. But what�s in a flower anyway? What good are flowers? You can�t eat them, you can�t really grow them �cos they�re dead on arrival (literally), and they wilt, which isn�t really the message one wants to send about a relationship. So why? Why flowers? Flowers are deemed to have deep levels of meaning, which, you know, books (mostly written by women who are very much in touch with their inner self) will tell you. But to the uninitiated, a bouquet of roses only looks good next to, say, some girl in a sparkling evening gown or a guy with a smart suit. If you walk into a room containing the following, which will attract your attention most strongly? (a) your significant other sporting the hairstyle of the celebrity that you often lust after (b) your grandmother chatting with your significant other, showing him/her your naked baby photos, the degree of security with which you guard them putting most state secrets to shame (c) that celebrity you often lust after, on television, eating strawberries with whipped cream (d) a vase of roses sitting forlornly on the mantelpiece All of you that chose (d) � how diehard a romantic are you? So my cynicism has had zero effect on you, eh? Stop denying it. The answer�s (b), right? Grandma? And then there�s the dinner part. You know what they say - February flowers and a fancy dinner, then, well, something else that begins with the letter �f�. Damnit, I�m crude and insensitive today. Must be that Eminem CD. Anyway, some weeks back, I was having lunch at this pretentious little French creperie establishment. Just so you know, friends dragged me there � I�m not the least bit pretentious, now let me just adjust my table lamp for a sec because the light is hitting me the wrong way and thus might affect my tan. Where was I? Right, lunch. So I chanced upon this Valentine�s Day Special Menu that was sitting idly on the table. It cost probably twice what a usual dinner at that establishment would have cost, but that wasn�t really the issue. I mean, if people can spend good money on overpriced flowers which you can�t eat and which die in a week, then what�s, you know, half your monthly salary on a decent meal? But the problem I had with this Special Menu was that it just wasn�t special. It sounded like courses I could have picked off from the usual menu, and some of the food featured in the Special Menu, I don�t even like. Like, Brussels sprouts. Right, enough of the animosity I have against the humble sprout. That�s the thing. All these classy restaurants haul out these Special Menus for the occasion, and most of the time, you can�t order anything else, you just gotta have the Special Menu. Why? Because the cook is busy, and he might spit in your lobster bisque if you ask anymore questions. So you end up spending half your inheritance on two portions of the Special Menu, eating food you don�t even like. Wine to go with that, sir, ma�m? Why yes, of course, and there goes another week�s salary. Another problem I have with these Special Menus is the way the people who come up with such things make them sound. This is what I mean : �Foreplay� � Half a dozen huge and juicy oysters airflown from New Zealand, served chilled and with a dash of fresh lemon and Tabasco sauce on the side � the perfect aphrodisiac for a great night of love! Translation : Oysters were cheap, so we imported them in bulk. Those lemons are going off quite soon, let�s use them. Damn, this Tabasco sauce expired Jan 31. Never mind, we�ll just serve it on the side, no one will use it anyway. �Afterglow� � They say chocolate is the perfect aphrodisiac, and we couldn�t agree more! Freshly baked chocolate torte drizzled with a sensationally milky white chocolate sauce. Garnished with delicately cut strawberries to further sweeten the occasion. Translation : Torte is easy, no need for individual pastry things. What�s this? Oh dear, the strawberries are rotting! Well, let�s just cut them up and serve up the pieces that haven�t yet gone brown. Hey, Pedro, what did you just add to the white chocolate sauce?!! And how often have you come across a four-course meal with names like �Love�, �Passion�, �Romance� and �Destiny�? Can I have a serving of corn with that, please? So you might ask : Well, Mr Pooping-On-Everybody�s-Love-Parade, what fantastic suggestions have you got? Honestly, this is the part where my inexperience glaringly shows. But I guess we are all human (sorry, I just alienated � bad pun � a-third of my viewing audience, my bad), and so, we are all capable of being creative. So let�s just dedicate the entire Valentine�s Day to our loved ones, and let it take you where it will. Let�s not get tied up in ensuring we get a dinner reservation booked, or racking our minds for the best gift. And just celebrate the best gift we have already been given. Go for spontaneity, not predictability, because the night is long, so let it be a night for just you and your loved one. Happy Valentine�s Day, everyone. |