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It was a Saturday, Bella and I had decided to spend the day together shopping; her dad was working. We woke up early took a bath then decided to go to Target to get her a big girl potty so she could start to get used to it, awe went toOld Navy to look for a bathing suit for her too. I found the CUTEST bathing suit Ihave ever seen and had her try it on.  It was a little too small but she looked
so cute in it. She was sticking her little belly out and playing with her
bellybutton. I went to get the bigger size, but they were out. I wish I had
bought that now, to hold that memory near. We then stopped at my mom's work
real quick so she could say hi to Bella. I felt Bella, and she felt a little
warm to me, so I took her jacket off and let her run around in her little skirt
and shirt. I made a mental note to take her temperature when we got back home. You see she was getting over an ear infection and I was worried it would come back.. We went to my parents house to do some laundry.. My parents had
a crib at their house, because I used to live with them when I was pregnant with Bella. Her dad and I weren’t together at that time. Anyway, I got her
a juice baba, and put her down for a nap. A little while after I put her down I
heard her playing with some toys on the crib, I kinda poked my head in, but
didn’t let her see me because I knew if she did she wouldn’t want to
take her nap. I continued to do laundry etc. My parents both came home from
work about the same time, so I showed them Isabella’s potty and how it
sang it she went to the bathroom, then I went to check on her to see if she was ready to get up to visit with the grandparents. That’s when this
nightmare began. When I walked in Isabella was face down, with her arms at her sides, her legs straight. I knew the instant that I saw her that something was terribly
wrong. I felt her back, and didn’t feel her breathing….. I screamed----there must have been something in the way that I screamed as both my parents came running. I was frozen there just staring. My dad picked up Bella out of the crib, and I’ll never forget his scream. I’ve
never heard anything like that from my dad; it was pure terror. I looked at
Bella and she looked Grey to me. I remember her eyelashes looked so long. I
fell on the ground and started crawling around. I don’t know what I was doing or why I was crawling. I think I was saying help me, Chuck.. Someone help me.. My dad called 911, and gave the phone to me, he went in the bedroom  to do CPR, I went outside to make sure the ambulance didn’t pass the house (they live on a
main street). They finally got there, and just picked up Bella and took her in
the ambulance.  I kept asking them is she gonna make it, is she OK, no one
would tell me ANYTHING. The only thing they told me was that her color came
back.  I called Bella’s dad and said “I think Isabella is dead meet me
at the hospital” that was it.. When I got to the hospital, I wanted to
give her a kiss before they took her, but they wouldn’t let me.  So I just kept telling her that mama was there and everything would be OK.  They
shuffled us all into a room, Chuck, me, my mom and dad, my parents
neighbor showed up, my sister, her boyfriend, her daughter, the chaplain, and
nurses.. I was so mad.. What made everyone think that they deserved to be in
here with us.. I just wanted it to be Chuck and I.  I didn’t want to hear
other people crying because they were upset, I didn’t want to have to
worry about how other people would take the news.  The nurses wouldn’t tell me anything, I kept
asking.. I asked one nurse just tell me please if you think she’s going to make it.  She never answered me just looked down at the ground and said I’ll send the doctor in as soon as possible.. I knew at that moment Isabella was gone.  The doctor came in and told me they tried everything but he
couldn’t save her. I kept saying.. “What kind of mother am I, I’m not
crying, my daughter is dead, my daughter is dead, what kind of sick person am
I.. Why am I just sitting here”.   Everyone else in the room was crying.
Then we went in to see Isabella.. I started throwing up the second that I saw
her, It looked nothing like my precious little Bella; There were tubes
everywhere that they refused to take out, it just looked nothing like her. I
think we only stayed there 30 seconds, then left.. I so wish now that I would
have hugged and kissed her and held her. Have felt her that one last time.. I was too scared too. 

When at the funeral home picking out her things, we had to view the casket.. The director kept saying if you don’t want to look at it, it’s ok.. I said no, I’d like to see what it looks like.  (They couldn’t get the one in that I picked out from a picture)   For some reason I never thought that it would be so small. When I picked the original casket out it was a picture of an adult one, when I was shown what was available it was sitting on the top of a heater.   They even told me that they ordered it a little big because of the things we wanted to bury with her.  I almost fell to the floor.   It was quite a reality check.  I then just handed them the clothes that we chose for Bella to wear (and a diaper) and left.    During the viewing I was almost numb, reassuring people that Chuck and I would be OK.  It was like a job, telling everyone that we will get through this, and she’s in a better place, making other people feel better, because there was no making us feel better.   The day of the funeral I didn’t think would be so bad because I had been looking at her for hours the day before, but the minute we had to say our final goodbye and they ushered us out of the room to close the casket was when I lost it.   I would never see my Isabella again.   Never hear her little voice, never touch her soft cheek, never feel the joy that she gave me.   She was going to go into the cold ground forever, all alone.  The rest is a blur for me, I was so upset by that that I can’t really remember the funeral.. I remember the pastor saying that this is Bella’s final goodbye and waving backwards like she used to always do.