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welcome to Unlimited jokes

You have two cows...

Advaniism
You have two cows. You don't milk them. You worship them.

Chandrababuism
You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk
them
from Hyderabad.

Jayalalithaism
You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaaaaaa..." and fall at
your
feet.

Karunanidhiism
You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your
nephew.
Gandhism
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.
Indiraism
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.
Lalooism
You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattle-feed for
them.

Rajnikantism
You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in
your
mouth.
Rajivism
You have two cows. You paint them both to get colorful milk.

Vajpayeeism
You have two cows. You distribute the milk among your partners and
eat
cattle-feed.

Clintonism
You have two cows. But you milk your neighbors' cows.
Osamaism
You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.

Talibanism
You have two cows. You put them in purdah.

UN-ism
You have two cows. You don't milk them; you only lecture to them.

Softwarism:
Client has two cows and you need to milk them:

1.       First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick
off)
2.       Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project
plan)

3.       Then prepare how to milk them (Design)
4.       Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them
(Framework)
5.       Then prepare two dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to
client the way in which you will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)
6.       If client is not satisfied then redo step 2
7.       You actually start milking them and find that there are few
problem with accessories. (Change framework). Redo step 4
8.       At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
9.       Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)
10.     Onsite reports that it is not milking there
11.     You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk
from
bulls
12.     At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
13.     Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance
Test)
14.     Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
15.     Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking
at
slow rate (performance issue)
16.     Again you slog and send it with good performance
17.     Client is happy
18.     But... By this time both the cows aged and can't milk

In the beginning, god created earth and rested, Then god created man and rested. Then god created woman,,,, since then , neither God nor Man Rested

"Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the Woman gets her Masters."

marriage is a 3 ring circus
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

Why do only 50% of men go to heaven. Because if they all went then it would be hell.

A Specialist(DR.)is one who knows more and more about less and less

a teacher asks his student that tell me where is the himalayas?
the student said i dont know
the teacher said stand on your seat
the student says "will i be able to see it from here?"

AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY.
A GARLIC A DAY KEEPS EVERYONE AWAY..

god ne tujhe bheja to bheja,lekin bhejha to aisa bheja ki bheje mein kuch nahin bheja,ye mujhe kisi ne bheja is liya maine ye tujhe bheja

SHAHJAHAN NE TAJ MAHAL
KI HAR DEEWAR KO DEKHA
HAR MEENAR KO DEKHA
HAR KALEEN KO DEKHA
AUR BOLA (GUESS KYA BOLA HOGA)
<<<
>>>
<<<
>>>
WOH BOLA
<<<
>>>
<<<
>>>
MAA KASAM !! BAHUT KHARCHA HO GAYA ..........

..........kyon apni kabar khud hi khod raha hai galib
kyon apni kabar khud hi khod raha hai galib
kyon apni kabar khud hi khod raha hai galib
kyon apni kabar khud hi khod raha hai galib
la phawada mujhe de.

where does a cat go when its tail is cut of??
to the re=tail store!

When u feel sad....
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say, "damn I am
really sooo cute" u will overcome ur sadness.
But don't make this a habit.....
Coz liars go to hell !!!!

Once a sarder ji was sleeping on a beach in america.
Suddenly a baywatch girl came and asked'Are you relaxing'
he said'no madam ji i am santasing.
........
khud ko karke itna buland ki himalaya ki choti pe ja pohche
aur phir khuda tumse khud pooche bete utre ga kaise..

Why could Santa not make ice cubes?
-bcoz he forgot the recipie
>>How did Santa try to kill the bird?
-He threw it off a cliff
>>How do u keep Santa busy all day?
-Put him in a round room and tell him too find a corner.
>>what does he tell u after he comes back?
-he tells u he found a corner.
>>What do u do when Santa throws a pin at u?
-Run like hell.....He's got a hand grenaade in his mouth

In a railway station two persons were standing one was Raju and the other was Ramu.
RAMU:observes Raju eating the apple seeds and asks him "why are you eating the apple seeds"
RAJU: "if u eat apple seeds it will increase your intelligence"
RAMU:"give me some"
RAJU:"5 seeds 50 ruppees"
RAMU:buys the seeds and was eating and after sometime he relizes and ask "if i had paid RS.50 i could have bought apples of 1KG and would have got more seeds"
RAJU: "your inteeligence started to improve"

son "dad we will soon become rich"
father said "how????"
son"tomorrow my maths teacher is teaching us how to convert ,"paisa into ruppees"

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way

Surd with his new Maruti
Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from
Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached
there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up
his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didnt reach in the
evening, and not the next day either.
When he finally reached home on the third day, his disraugth mother ran
and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya ?"
The sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and
said, "Oy, ye Mrutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear
banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik

Son to Dad: What's the difference between Love,Relief & Belief ?
Dad to Son: Your Mom used to be my Love & Our Maid provides me with the Relief & of course you're my Son - that's my Belief !

Seen in railway station at Patna: Aana free, Jaana!
free, Pakde gaye to khana free.

a message about maths:life is like maths .u solve one problem and get another

how do u get inside a computer??
through windows!!!!!

Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Mumbai:
"We need your heads to run our business

customer:i want a tea cloured saree
shopkeeper:madam! with sugar or without sugar haaaa

TODAY'S HEADLINES
*India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock
*Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58%- Politicians.
*Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst.
*India wins Gold in India VS Rest Of India Games
*Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software.
*Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from rice, water, a
stick and some Pottasium Permanganate.
***No bombings in Kashmir today
*Suit filed holding Sharad pawar responsible for Battle of Panipat,1526.
*Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail.
*Death penalty upheld for Attempted Suicide victim.

Sachin:My father is a taxi driver.
Rahul:But, my father is a bus driver.
Anirudh:Oh! That's nothing. My father is a screw driver.

Banta heard that his friend Santa had a huge fire in his factory and to commissertate with him. Santa yaar, I am very sorry to hear that your factory was burnt down. What were you manufacturing in the factory?
"Fire extinguishers,"

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget,
The more you forget, the less you know
So. Why learn.

one day a husband asks his wife
" have you seen today's newspaper"
his wife replied
"yes"
husband asked" where"
wife replied
" everyday you buy newspaper to get fresh news, that's why i have kept it the refreigerator so that you can get fresh news without buying newspaper

Banta Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Banta Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
........Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Banta Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Banta Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the
figure, the answer is 6!!

What did Gabbar Singh asked his mom when he was born?
Maa!!! Kitne aadmi the...

Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park.
When the Dinosaurs start approaching he cowers in his seat.
His friend asks him, "Kyun Sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyun lag raha hai?
Cinema hi to hai."
Sardarji replies, "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai,
lekin woh to janwar hai, usko kya pata."

yaro mere marne ke baad asu mat bahana agar mere yaad aya to upper chale anna.
...............
A Bihari goes to a movie hall and asks for two tickets, "Do tho ticket dena",the person at the window tells him that there is a house full, so this Bihari says "koi baat nahin do house full de do"

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