| Emotional Upheaval The pain really hadn't subsided that much since my surgery. I ached everytime I stood up, the pressure was almost unbearable. We were allowed one Oxycocet (oxycodone and acetaminophen) every six hours and regular Tylenol every four hours if we felt the need for it. I not only felt the need for it, there were times when I would have begged for more. On occasion we would be lined up for our pain meds like drunks at an open bar at a wedding reception . Narcotics have this fantastic way of making you feel better in a hurry. The side effects were certainly tolerable considering the relief they afforded me. I so regret underestimating the capacity the pain meds had for making me constipated, that was a pain in my bum I could've done without. I got the gold for the night and headed upstairs to see if I could get some sleep. The phone did not ring at all for me that night. I felt the need to indulge in someone comforting me , though a friendly voice was not in the offing. In spite of the fact that I was well cared for at the residence I felt extremely alone as I crawled into bed. I started to weep as I listened to one of my favorite CDs while lying on my back in bed. I kept wondering why this had to happen to me and why it couldn't have been different. I doubted I would ever know the reasons why I had to endure this trauma, but I still felt fortunate through all my tears that I was able to be there righting my fate. No one can ever anticipate the emotions that surface once you have made it beyond the surgery. I was flooded with a plethora of sentiments that were beyond my wildest imagination, albeit I never once doubted my decision to change my sex after the deed was done. Moreover you end up contemplating what life would have been like had you assumed the correct sex at birth. And, all the things you missed out upon in your youth, the ability to feel complete, as well as the envy of those who live your dream and seemingly take it for granted. Without question I was overwhelmed by this emotional upheaval, it would also be just the tip of the iceburg. Thursday was an uneventful day. I kept my rubber donut in tow wherever I went so I could lessen the pain of sitting down. Finding any comfort betwixt sitting and standing was tenuous. I preferred to lie on my back with my knees bent, that position sustained the most amount of comfort for me. I spent most of my time between meals simply resting on my bed trying to alleviate the pressure of being upright. My oldest sister called me in the evening displaying her deep empathy once again. I thanked her repeatedly for all of her assistance after my surgery, I was truly indebted to her. We share a wonderful bond, one that I'm unequivocally grateful for. I received a call from my TS friend (who had come up for my surgery), too. They left the morning of my surgery after my sisters informed them of the delay. He told me his wife was cranky and they just wanted to get back home away from all the hoopla. He was very sweet and comapssionate during our conversation. Over the years we had talked for hours on end on just about any subject. I felt alot of sympathy for his situation with his disapproving wife and all of the negative consequences associated with that. It was my belief that he was a transsexual in denial and stuck between a rock and a hard spot. Sadly we no longer have any contact, perhaps that story will surface in my segment on the post-op days. The emotions flowed freely once again that night. I felt humbled by my condition, both mentally and physically. I looked to my CDs once more for some inspiration and love. A copius amount of tears streamed from my eyes and rushed down my cheeks as I pondered my ability to cope with the emotional clamor that seemed relentless. There were so many things to overcome, my challenge was to take them one at a time. Despite the tumult I was becoming antsy to see the results of my surgery. <<BACK<< >>NEXT>> |