These
are parts of episodes from 'The West Wing' that involve Josh and Donna interaction.
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In the bullpen.
JOSH: Donna.
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Did you get me a meeting with the Vice President?
DONNA: I did, but you’re not going to be happy.
JOSH: Jogging.
DONNA: Yes.
They begin a walk and talk..
JOSH: We couldn’t really, this time just sit in chairs?
DONNA: He’s jogging at 2:00. It’s the only time he could fit you in.
JOSH: Okay, order me some broiled chicken and some pasta. Nothing like a meeting you have to carb-up for.
DONNA: You’re supposed to be at the town hall press right now.
JOSH: Yeah, I’m going to the press room.
DONNA: They started ten minutes ago.
JOSH: Donna.
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Where’s my chair?
DONNA: We have to go.
JOSH: Where’s my chair?
DONNA: What chair?
JOSH: The chair I sit in at my desk.
DONNA: It’s at the shop.
JOSH: At the shop?
DONNA: You said one of the wheels was wobbly
JOSH: Yeah, you call a guy from maintenance. He brings a screwdriver.
DONNA: Well, I sent it to the shop.
JOSH: I didn’t even know there was a shop.
DONNA: It’s not so much a shop as it is…
JOSH: What?
DONNA: My friend, Curtis.
JOSH: Your friend, Curtis…
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: …is fixing my chair.
DONNA: I’m throwing him some work.
JOSH: And how much is Curtis charging the federal government to fix the wobbly wheel on my chair?
DONNA: He said he’d have to take a look at the job.
JOSH: At his shop.
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Okay.
---
Josh is rummaging around in his office while Zoey and Charlie are having an argument. He goes to sit down but there is no chair so he falls.
JOSH: DONNA!
Donna comes in the room.
DONNA: Hi.
JOSH: How you doing.
DONNA: We should get something temporary so that doesn’t happen.
Josh and Donna start a walk and talk..
DONNA: They got to start the poll, Josh. It’s 7:05.
JOSH: It’s ten to seven.
DONNA: No, it’s really not.
JOSH: It’s 7:05?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: That’s ridiculous.
DONNA: I’m not making it up.
JOSH: My watch says ten to seven.
DONNA: That’s ‘cause your watch sucks.
JOSH: My watch is fine.
DONNA: Your watch says ten to seven.
JOSH: How do I know it isn’t ten to seven?
DONNA: ‘Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the U.S. Navy, say your watch sucks. In fact, they say your watch sucks in four different time zones.
---
Donna stops by Joey's area where Josh and Joey are in a debate.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: What?
DONNA: You wanted me to let you know when CJ started talking about the drug memo.
JOSH: CJ started the briefing already?
DONNA: A half hour ago.
JOSH: The briefing is not supposed to start ‘til eleven.
DONNA: Guess what?
JOSH: My watch sucks?
DONNA: Yes, indeed.
Josh and Joey exchange words before Josh and Donna walk away.
JOSH: Did Toby find a country?
DONNA: The Federated States of Micronesia.
JOSH: Is that a real country?
DONNA: Yes, it’s located 2500 miles southwest of Hawaii where you’ve never taken me.
JOSH: When was I supposed to take you to Hawaii?
DONNA: Anytime. It’s something bosses do.
JOSH: The Federated States of Micronesia.
DONNA: They have some of the best scuba diving in the world.
JOSH: Okay.
DONNA: The Mantas, for instance, on the island of Yap, are prized among those who...
JOSH: Stop talking, now.
Josh turns on the TV where CJ is doing a press conference.
DONNA: A guy takes his assistant on a quick trip to Maui. It’s not like unheard of.
JOSH: Shhhh...
Toby and Sam are trying to talk to Josh.
JOSH: Guys, I'm trying to watch this speech.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: The call?
DONNA: On the cell.
Toby: Josh, if you need us, we're standing right here.
JOSH: (on phone) Hi, Senator. Why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your a$$. (hangs up) Turns out I was fine.
Josh throws the phone to Donna.
---
A walk and talk...
DONNA: Toby wants you.
JOSH: On the phone?
DONNA: In his office.
JOSH: Do you know why?
DONNA: Polling.
JOSH: He's bringing in Al Kiefer?
DONNA: Let him tell you.
JOSH: Why can't you tell me?
DONNA: 'Cause you're going to his office right now. And I've got 37 different things to...
JOSH: Fine.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Yes, he's bringing in Al Keifer.
JOSH: It's a big polling week, Donna. I figured he was bringing in Kiefer.
DONNA: Okay.
JOSH: That's what you were afraid to tell me?
DONNA: I wasn't afraid.
JOSH: Okay.
DONNA: The thing is, and it's going to be interesting to see how you react to this, but Kiefer wants to bring in a California expert.
JOSH: That's a good idea, cause... wait...
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Joey Lucas.
DONNA: She's coming out with Kiefer tomorrow.
JOSH: Okay...okay....
DONNA: By the way, that's what I was afraid to tell you.
JOSH: You...you shouldn't have been. You know why?
DONNA: It's no big deal.
JOSH: It's no big deal. And I'll tell you what else.
DONNA: You're a pro.
JOSH: I... I am a pro. But that's not what I was going to say.
DONNA: What were you going to say?
JOSH: That's what I was going to say.
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: But, both those things are true. I'm a pro and what was the other one?
DONNA: It's no big deal.
JOSH: That's right.
---
Josh and Donna meet Leo and Margaret for breakfast at a place.
DONNA: You should notice that Josh has on a nice suit.
Maragaret: That is a nice suit.
JOSH: Donna.
DONNA: We'll call it his 'Joey Lucas suit'....
JOSH: Donna.
DONNA: ...you know from now on.
Margaret: Joey Lucas is coming?
JOSH: We need a California expert and this is my regular Tuesday suit.
Margaret: You assign your clothes days of the week?
JOSH: I'm saying there's no particular M.O. behind...
Toby and Sam arrive, they talk about other things until Donna brings it up again.
JOSH: I'd like to clear up that I... I don't have suits for the days of the week. This is just a regular suit.
Sam: It's a nice suit.
DONNA: Sure, it's a nice suit. It's his Joey Lucas....
JOSH: Donna!
DONNA: I'm beginning to regret not getting the waffles.
Leo: I am beginning to regret having hired any of you. We have a 42% job approval and you're talking about waffles and something with Josh, I don't understand.
DONNA: He's wearing a special suit for Joey Lucas.
Leo: You got dressed up for a guy named Joey?
JOSH: Joey... Joey Lucas is a woman... and I'm not getting dressed up for her.
DONNA: It's his regular Tuesday suit.
A walk and talk...
DONNA: How does the F.E.C. work?
JOSH: Six commissioners are appointed for a six-year term.
DONNA: Overlaps.
JOSH: Two seats come up every two years.
DONNA: And two commissioners just resigned?
JOSH: At the same time.
DONNA: How many times has that happened?
JOSH: Including this time?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Once.
DONNA: So the president has the opportunity to back the F.E.C. with our people and make immeasurable impact on campaign finance reform?
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Well, do it baby!
JOSH: There’s a couple of roadblocks.
DONNA: What?
JOSH: Whenever a vacancy comes up, the party leadership on both sides... Did you just call me “baby” back there?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Okay. Uh, when a vacancy comes up, it’s up to the president to fill it, but the party leadership on both sides always, always, always dictates to the president who he’s gonna appoint. One Republican. One Democrat. Whoever the leadership says. That’s how you keep the peace and dodge.
DONNA: But you’re gonna change all that, right?
JOSH: No, but I’m gonna spend the rest of the week trying.
DONNA: That’s not the right spirit, Josh. You’re trying to change the nature of democracy.
JOSH: You’re right. I’m gonna need a bagel.
Josh goes into his office.
---
Donna is waiting for Josh to come back from his meeting in the lobby.
DONNA: How’d it go?
JOSH: How do you know to be standing here?
DONNA: I see you at the window.
JOSH: You don’t have a window.
DONNA: You have a window.
JOSH: What are you doing in my office when I’m not there?
DONNA: Looking for you at the window.
JOSH: Okay.
DONNA: How’d it go?
JOSH: It went fine.
DONNA: Just fine?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: You don’t want to say anything more than that?
JOSH: I don’t, Donna, and the way that you know that I don’t, is that I’m not.
DONNA: But this is our special time together.
JOSH: I’m really not in the mood to mess around.
DONNA: Okay.
JOSH: I need you to get me prepped on something.
DONNA: What?
JOSH: English as the national language.
DONNA: Why?
JOSH: Might come up.
DONNA: Why?
JOSH: Because...it doesn’t matter. Because if we do a thing with the F.E.C., opponents will put English as the national language on the table.
DONNA: Are we for it or against it?
JOSH: Donna...
DONNA: I mean we’re not in favor of making another language the official language, are we?
JOSH: Donna!
DONNA: Like Dutch of something. (laughs)
JOSH: Donna, didn’t I just say that I can’t mess around?
DONNA: Okay.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Bullet points?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Give me thirty minutes?
JOSH: Thank you.
DONNA: Oh, and Toby said to come by as soon as you got back.
JOSH: Toby?
DONNA: Yeah.
Josh hurries to find Toby.
---
A walk and talk...
DONNA: Josh?
JOSH: Yeah?
DONNA: Six pages on English as the national language.
JOSH: Is it good?
DONNA: I gave you some good stuff on James Madison and the—
JOSH: James Madison?
DONNA: And the Teriman resort—
JOSH: I didn’t ask for a damn social studies paper. I-I—
DONNA: Don’t snap at me Josh.
JOSH: Donna?
DONNA: Look at the memo. I gave you what you asked for. Don’t snap at me. What’s wrong with everyone today? It’s been all day. Is it Mandy’s memo?
JOSH: No.
DONNA: Why is everyone walking around like they know they already lost?
JOSH: I wasn’t snapping at you. I just, I-I didn’t realize that you also gave me the stuff I asked for. I thought it was just...you know, I thought you just gave me James Madison.
DONNA: Well, look at the James Madison. It’s gonna help you.
JOSH: Thanks.
Josh goes into his office to find Mandy. They have a discussion and she leaves, Donna enters.
JOSH: It’s everyone that’s feeling this way today?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Oh, okay. Thanks.
Donna rushes into Josh's office.
DONNA: Josh!
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: We got to go. They’re already 19 yea votes.
JOSH: What's this message about I've got to talk to Mandy about a banana bar? Is that what this says?
DONNA: Panda bear.
JOSH: “Panda bear?”
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: That's a “d”?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: And that's an “e”?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: All right, you know what would be helpful? If you could just show me where one word ends and the next one begins.
DONNA: We have to go.
JOSH: She wants to talk to me about a panda bear?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: You're sure you got the message right?
DONNA: Have I ever gotten a message wrong?
JOSH: No.
DONNA: Then maybe the benefit of the doubt might not be monumentally out of line.
JOSH: A panda’s what I think it is, right?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Little Australian thing, eats bark off a koala tree?
DONNA: That's a koala bear I believe you're describing.
JOSH: The panda's the other one...
DONNA: How can you not know the difference between a panda bear and a koala bear?
JOSH: You know, for someone who hasn't quite mastered the alphabet...
Mallory enters the White House and walks up to them.
MALLORY: Josh!
DONNA: My penmanship is distinctive.
JOSH:
Your penmanship
is illegible. Hey, Mal.
Josh and Mal start talking until Josh reaches the mural room where Toby will not let him tempt fate.
JOSH: Okay. ... Go grab Leo.
DONNA: It's distinctive penmanship style, Josh.
JOSH: Go.
DONNA: Not unlike Salvador Dali.
JOSH: Please get Leo.
---
Josh is in a chair while Donna is on the couch in the mural room.
JOSH: I don't understand. Salvador Dali had distinctive penmanship?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: How was it distinctive?
DONNA: Well, for one thing, he wrote in Spanish.
JOSH: He was Spanish.
DONNA: Which would account for his distinctive penmanship.
Leo comes up to them.
Leo: Excuse me. Am I interrupting something important?
JOSH: I can't even begin to tell you how you're not.
Leo: (laughs) Would you mind if I have a...
Donna gets up, picking up her shoes.
DONNA: I'll go see if people are having fun in the other room.
Donna leaves.
---
Josh is in his office on the phone when Donna walks in.
DONNA: So I’ve been reading this book…
JOSH: I’m on the phone.
DONNA: You’re on hold.
JOSH: How do you know?
DONNA: The light was blinking.
JOSH: What book?
DONNA: It’s about what life was like a 100 years ago.
JOSH: Donna, the fact that I’m on hold right now… that shouldn’t be your cue to tell me what life was like a 100 years ago.
DONNA: For instance, a 100 years ago, most women washed their hair only once a month and they used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
JOSH: (on phone) I’m here.
DONNA: Florence and Bertha were among the top 10 names given to girls.
JOSH: (on phone) I’m meeting him in 5 minutes. Toby’s going to be fine.
DONNA: Today they don’t even make the top 10,000.
JOSH: (uses hand to cover phone) Excuse me…what?
DONNA: Florence and Bertha aren’t among the top 10,000 names today, yet only…
JOSH: I’m actually back on the phone now.
DONNA: I’ll wait.
JOSH: (on phone) Toby’s going to be fine. Don’t worry about it. (hangs up phone) Toby’s in his office?
DONNA: Yeah. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 22.
JOSH: I’m going to go to my meeting now but you sit here and keep talking. It’ll be like I never left.
DONNA: (hands him a folder) Here.
JOSH: Thank you.
DONNA: And you know what else?
JOSH: What?
DONNA: Drive-by shootings were a problem in Denver.
JOSH: A hundred years ago?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: What were they driving?
DONNA: I’m glad you asked
JOSH: Horses.
DONNA: Young boys on horseback riding through town shooting at, I suppose, stagecoaches and what not.
JOSH: When do you have time to read these books?
DONNA: It’s important to make time just for yourself, Josh.
JOSH: And I notice you’re able to do it right here in the office.
DONNA: I’m adaptable.
JOSH: Among other things.
Josh walks away.
---
In the mural room.
DONNA: It’s an interesting book.
JOSH: The hundred years ago thing?
DONNA: Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide which was thought to diminish sexual desire into a woman’s drinking water.
JOSH: (he says this kind of low and throaty) Why would anyone want to diminish a woman’s sexual desire?
DONNA: We can get out of hand.
FLOTUS enters the room.
Josh is trying to open the door to his hotel room.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Need any help with your luggage, there?
JOSH: No, you're fine.
DONNA: There were messages for you at the desk.
JOSH: I've spent half the nights in my life in hotel rooms, and I still cannot...
DONNA: Dave Levy.
JOSH: Later. You sure this isn't for your room?
DONNA: It's for your room. Mandy?
JOSH: Ugh, later. You sure?
DONNA: It's for your room. The deputy whip?
JOSH: Later. You know, there used to be keys...
DONNA: Give me that.
Donna takes the key card from him to open the door..
JOSH: You stuck it in, you turned it, you...(Donna opens the door) I loosened it for you.
DONNA: Ron Dreyfuss from political affairs.
JOSH: Later.
DONNA: Joey Lucas.
JOSH: Really?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: She called?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: She's here.
DONNA: In this hotel.
JOSH: She's here in this hotel.
DONNA: Yes. She's at the fundraiser tonight.
JOSH: Really.
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Really.
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Why did she call?
DONNA: To tell you that she's here in this hotel and she's coming to the fundraiser tonight.
JOSH: Really.
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Hmm.
DONNA: Josh, you've got a crush on Joey Lucas, and I think you should do something about it, because you're really bothering me.
JOSH: Well, that's something I care a lot about.
DONNA: You should call her.
JOSH: I don't have a crush on her.
DONNA: You should call her right now.
JOSH: I'll see her tonight.
DONNA: Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Josh. Do you know what that means? It means you should take this time to gather rosebuds, because later on you might not be able to.
JOSH: Interpreting the classics with Poet Laureate Donnatella Moss.
DONNA: I'm just saying, call her and stop bugging me.
JOSH: Let's call her.
DONNA: Really?
JOSH: Yeah. Let's do it. Call her, and then we'll do everyone else.
DONNA: I have alabaster skin, you know.
JOSH: Dial the phone.
DONNA: I'm just saying. Also, Ted Marcus called.
JOSH: What?
DONNA: Ted Marcus called.
JOSH: Hang on. (sighs) Damnit...better call him first.
---
Josh and Donna are talking to David Hasselhoff.
DAVID HASSELHOFF: “I think there's a bedrock principle underlying the first amendment. That the government cannot prohibit the expression of an idea simply because it's disagreeable.” Justice William Brennan, writing for the majority.
DONNA: I'm a real fan, David, I'm not just a Johnny-come-lately. It's not just Baywatch and Knight Rider with me.
DAVID: Well, thank you very much. But my point is...
DONNA: I mean, Nick Fury, Panic at Malibu Pier, the Cartier Affair. Pleasure Cove, for crying out loud.
JOSH: (dragging Donna away by taking her hand) Excuse us.
DONNA: He's so into me.
JOSH: You're frightening the guests.
DONNA: David Hasselhoff, I'm just saying.
JOSH: He's married.
DONNA: This is California, Josh. A girl can dream.
JOSH: (taking her glass) Stop drinking now.
DONNA: Matt Perry, right there, goodbye.
Donna leaves.
---
Josh is in his hotel room packing while Dona sits on the bed.
DONNA: That was it?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Just because she said she was with somebody?
JOSH: She said she was with somebody.
DONNA: Oh, Josh!
JOSH: Donna, she's with somebody!
DONNA: She could have just been saying that.
JOSH: Why would she just be saying that?
DONNA: For the allure.
JOSH: Oh.
DONNA: Go see her before we leave.
JOSH: It's one in the morning.
DONNA: Knock on her door.
JOSH: I'm not going to knock on her door at one in the morning.
DONNA: Yes! Because you're whisking back to Washington, and you had to see her one more time before you left, 'cause God knows what fate awaits you when once you get there.
JOSH: Are you okay?
DONNA: Gather ye rosebuds, Josh.
JOSH: Donna, I am not going to knock on her door. (Donna makes chicken sounds.) Were you just clucking like a chicken, is that what that was?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: I couldn't knock on her door if I wanted to, I don't have her room number.
DONNA: Yes, you do. (Donna waves the phone message from earlier around.) (singing) Phone Message! Phone message!
JOSH: Okay, first of all, don't do that thing anymore with the (singing/mocking) phone message! Phone message!
DONNA: And?
JOSH: Tell them I'll be down in one minute. ... Wait, how's she going to know I'm knocking on the door?
DONNA: There's a button outside, a light flashes.
JOSH: Tell them I'll be there in a minute.
Josh has just screwed up the press conference he did to step in for CJ.
DONNA: Oh my God, Josh. I mean, oh my God!
JOSH: I can fix this.
DONNA: How?
JOSH: I can fix this.
DONNA: I don’t think you can.
JOSH: (yelling) This’d be a great time to feel a little support from you, Donna!
DONNA: You have my support, Josh.
JOSH: Do I?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Okay, good, that’s a start. Tell me what you think I should do right now.
DONNA: Go into your office and come up with a secret plan to fight inflation.
JOSH: That’s support!
CJ is waiting for them outside his office, she begins yelling at him. Donna helps translate since CJ still has cotton in her mouth from a root canal.
JOSH: Donna, call up Toby’s office and see if he was watching.
Donna leaves, but they hear Toby coming.
Josh is about to leave...
JOSH: I’m out of here.
DONNA: You’ve got to see Sam.
JOSH: I’m seeing Sam, and then I’m out of here.
DONNA: Are you going to behave yourself tonight?
JOSH: It’s a bachelor party.
DONNA: I’m saying...
JOSH: I can hold my liquor.
DONNA: No you can’t.
JOSH: I can drink with the best of them.
DONNA: You can’t drink with any of them, Josh.
JOSH: I’m in politics, okay. I can drink.
DONNA: You have a very sensitive system.
JOSH: I wish you’d stop telling people that. It makes me sound like an idiot.
DONNA: You’re gonna have two drinks and spend the rest of the weekend sleeping it off.
JOSH: And this is the first time in a long time I’ve had the opportunity to spend the weekend doing anything but working, is my point.
DONNA: Are there going to be strippers?
JOSH: Nah.
DONNA: Really?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Tell me the truth.
JOSH: There aren’t going to be strippers there. Men don’t like that anymore.
DONNA: Men don’t like naked women anymore?
JOSH: No, we still like naked women a lot. It’s looking at them in a room full of your best friends that makes you feel a little...
DONNA: Sleazy?
JOSH: Uncomfortable.
Josh goes to talk to Sam as Donna walks away. Sam tells him he must be in the office tomorrow (Saturday). Donna comes up to them.
JOSH: I don’t think so. What else you got?
DONNA: What time?
SAM: 10:00 tomorrow morning.
DONNA: You have to be here at 10:00 tomorrow morning.
JOSH: We have to be here at 10:00 tomorrow morning.
DONNA: Why me?
JOSH: ‘Cause you work for me.
DONNA: I have things to do tomorrow morning, Josh. It was my Saturday too.
JOSH: What things?
DONNA: I have to go shopping.
JOSH: For what?
DONNA: Whatever! It’s Saturday.
JOSH: Ten minutes. When it’s over I’ll buy you some shoes.
DONNA: Really?
Donna leaves.
---
Donna arrives and goes into Josh's office to find him sleeping on the floor in his office in dirty clothes.
DONNA: Josh... Josh!
Josh wakes up, hungover.
JOSH: Hi.
DONNA: What’re you doing?
JOSH: What?
DONNA: Did you spend the night here?
JOSH: No. Just since a couple of hours ago.
DONNA: The party went to morning?
JOSH: Yup.
DONNA: Why didn’t you go home?
JOSH: What?
DONNA: Why didn’t you go home after the party?
JOSH: I couldn’t find my keys, or remember where I lived.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: I think there might have been strippers there.
DONNA: OH MY GOD!
JOSH: Shhh
DONNA: What happened to your clothes?
JOSH: I may have wrinkled my suit.
DONNA: JOSH!
JOSH: Donna. You... You really want to speak very softly.
DONNA: How did you get like this?
JOSH: People were pouring champagne over each other.
DONNA: And then wrestling in dirt?
JOSH: I can’t remember, but it’s certainly not out of the question.
DONNA: You have a meeting.
JOSH: Yeah, I know. I’m not, you know. Uh... what was the meeting again?
DONNA: Joey Lucas about O’Dwyer.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: I’m fine.
DONNA: You can’t wear those clothes.
JOSH: I’m fine.
DONNA: Trust me.
JOSH: They’re the only clothes I got.
DONNA: I’ll find some other clothes.
JOSH: Fine.
DONNA: Are you going to listen to me from now on?
JOSH: (under breath) I’m not even listening to you now.
DONNA: I SAID, ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN...
JOSH: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Donna leaves as Josh puts his head down.
---
Donna comes into Josh's office with a yellow jumpsuit and coffee.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: Huh.
DONNA: Here.
JOSH: What’s that?
DONNA: It’s Sam’s foul weather gear. Drink this.
JOSH: Coffee?
DONNA: It’s strong. Drink it all.
Donna walks out. Josh drinks the coffee then spits it out.
JOSH: Blah.
Donna walks back in.
DONNA: It’s from yesterday, so it might not be hot anymore.
JOSH: What time is this person coming?
DONNA: Forty minutes. Put this on.
JOSH: I’m not wearing that.
DONNA: There’s a one-hour cleaners on Connecticut.
JOSH: He’s getting here in forty minutes.
DONNA: Zuzu will do it in half an hour.
JOSH: Who’s Zuzu?
DONNA: The guy from the dry cleaners, Josh. Change your clothes!
JOSH: His name is Zuzu?
DONNA: Change your clothes.
JOSH: I’ll look like the Gorton’s fisherman in this thing.
Josh starts to change.
---
Josh has just met Joey Lucus in his yellow fisherman suit when Donna comes in with his suit.
DONNA: Excuse me.
JOSH: Thank God.
DONNA: What’s going on?
JOSH: This is my assistant, Donna Moss. Donna, Joey Lucas.
DONNA: Hi.
JOSH: I’m just going to go... I... I... I’m... I’m gonna go change my clothes. I’ll... I’ll be right back.
Josh and Donna leave his office.
JOSH: Took you long enough.
DONNA: I got stuck at Dupont Circle again.
JOSH: You have any idea how dumb I looked in there?
DONNA: So Joey Lucas is a woman.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: And she’s deaf.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Cool.
JOSH: Give me those.
Josh goes into a room to change while Donna waits outside.
DONNA: You need to go see Sam.
JOSH: What’s Sam doing here?
DONNA: He told me to tell you the appeal was denied.
JOSH: What are you talking about?
DONNA: All he said was “The appeal was denied.”
JOSH: Oh man. Make sure they’re going to be okay in there. This might take a few minutes.
In the bullpen.
DONNA: Josh! (to the staff member) Did they burn the hamburger?
Staff Member: I told them well-done.
DONNA: He likes it beyond well-done. He likes it burnt.
Josh approaches from behind.
JOSH: Yeah…
DONNA: Food’s here.
JOSH: Did they burn the hamburger?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Did you check?
DONNA: (rolling eyes) I’m not checking your food.
JOSH: Let’s go.
They begin a walk and talk.
DONNA: (sarcastically) No, no, I’ll carry it. (she picks up the food)
JOSH: I like it where if you dropped it on the floor it would break.
DONNA: What’s “take out the trash day”?
JOSH: Friday.
DONNA: I mean, what is it?
JOSH: Any stories we have to give to the press that we’re not wild about we give them all on a lump on Friday.
DONNA: Why do you do it in a lump?
JOSH: Instead of one at a time?
DONNA: I’d think you’d want to spread them out.
JOSH: They’ve got “x” column inches to fill, right? They’re going to fill them no matter what.
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: So if we give them one story that story’s “x” column inches.
DONNA: You give them five stories…
JOSH: It’s a fifth the size.
DONNA: Why do you do it on Friday?
JOSH: ‘Cause no one reads the paper on Saturday.
DONNA: You guys are real populists, aren’t you?
JOSH: (takes his meal) Salad’s for CJ.
Donna sighs, gives him a look, and turns around to leave.
---
All the assistants are gathered around, gossiping about who tattled on Leo when Josh walks in.
JOSH: Well, here’s a group of federal employees.
Josh walks away, Donna stands for a minute then starts to walk after him.
DONNA: Can I talk to you?
JOSH: Sure.
DONNA: In Sam’s office?
JOSH: We’ll need to ask Sam don’t you think.
DONNA: I need Sam too.
JOSH: (sees Sam) Sam?
Sam: Yes, sir.
JOSH: Donna needs to talk to us and it doesn’t look good.
DONNA: This Vice President’s advance man with the golf clubs and the helicopter.
In Sam’s office.
Sam: Chad Margrudian.
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Didn’t he used to work for us?
Sam explains how Margrudian advanced trips for his own personal benefit.
JOSH: He’s working for Hoynes now?
DONNA: Yeah, just recently.
Sam: Played 18 holes at Pebble Beach.
DONNA: Which is technically what he’s supposed to do.
Sam: Wasn’t supposed to take a navy helicopter and make it wait.
JOSH: Well, what does it have to do with us?
DONNA: We know who leaked the story.
Josh closes Sam’s office door.
Donna knocks on Josh's door.
JOSH: Yes?
DONNA: Margaret came by.
JOSH: Yes.
The begin a walk and talk...
DONNA: She said Leo said to remind you you need to pick a guy.
JOSH: Right.
DONNA: She said you’d know what that means.
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Do you know what that means?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: I don’t know what that means.
JOSH: Someone from the line of succession is required to be absent from the State of the Union.
DONNA: Why?
JOSH: Donna?
DONNA: Wait, I know why. So if somebody blows up the building, nobody’s...
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Who are you gonna pick?
JOSH: Who do you think I should pick?
DONNA: I think you should pick me.
JOSH: You think so?
DONNA: Yeah, I’ll be good.
JOSH: And where exactly do you fall in the line of succession?
DONNA: If somebody blows up the Capitol Building during the State of the Union, I’d imagine I’d move up a few slots.
JOSH: Fair point.
DONNA: So who’s it gonna be?
JOSH: Roger Tribby.
DONNA: The secretary of agriculture?
JOSH: Yes... Listen. Be sweet to Margaret and Leo today. This might not be the worst day of their lives, but it’s got to be in the top five.
DONNA: Okay.
JOSH: See ya later.
---
A walk and talk...
DONNA: Roger Tribby.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: I don’t know why you’re picking the Secretary of Agriculture.
JOSH: Because the Attorney General, the Secretaries of State, Defense, and Treasury are famous faces, and we want the camera to find them.
DONNA: So, if the Capitol Building blows up...
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: The man my country will be looking to is the secretary of agriculture.
JOSH: It’s my country too.
DONNA: Yeah, but you’ll be dead.
JOSH: Which is why I really don’t care that much.
DONNA: Josh?
JOSH: Donna, I really don’t anticipate the Capitol Building exploding.
DONNA: What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?
JOSH: Now you’re bringing me down.
DONNA: I would think so.
A walk and talk...
JOSH: You’ll like it.
DONNA: It doesn’t sound like I’ll like it.
JOSH: Caddying?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: It’s great!
DONNA: Don’t I just lug your golf clubs around?
JOSH: Well, it’s good exercise.
DONNA: Of course it’s good exercise, I’m lugging your golf clubs around.
JOSH: You’ll be doing more than that, DONNA. You’ll be reading the greens, you’ll be helping with club selection.
Josh is stopped by someone who tells him he's been subpoenaed. He signs the papers but is quite annoyed.
JOSH: It’s what I do now. I’m a professional hostile witness.
DONNA: Would I get to drive the cart?
JOSH: No carts.
DONNA: You don’t use a cart?
JOSH: No. Real golfers don’t use carts.
DONNA: Don’t they also carry their own clubs?
JOSH: No.
DONNA: Would you pay me extra?
JOSH: No.
DONNA: You play in the winter?
JOSH: I would wait until spring, but I’d want you to start practicing with that bag right away.
Donna walks away as Josh walks into Mrs. Landingham's area.
---
Josh comes back from the deposition.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: Hi Donna.
DONNA: I didn’t expect you back so soon.
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Did everything go okay?
JOSH: No, actually, it didn’t. Thanks.
DONNA:
Good morning Josh.
JOSH: Good morning Donna, and a Merry Christmas to you and your whole Protestant
family.
DONNA: Thank you.
JOSH: As you can see I have not yet bought your Christmas present.
DONNA: Yes, and I know you're agonizing over how to best express your appreciation
and affection for me at this time of the year.
JOSH: That and how I scrape together the ten bucks.
DONNA: I've prepared a list. (Donna gives Josh a list)
JOSH: Of Christmas gift suggestions?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Ski pants, ski boots, ski hat, ski goggles, ski gloves, ski poles. I'm
assuming you already have skis?
DONNA: Page two.
JOSH: Right.
DONNA: Just pick something off the list, and, you know, feel free to pick
two things.
JOSH: I should feel that freedom?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Thanks
DONNA: I wanna learn how to ski.
JOSH: Why?
DONNA: I like the equipment.
JOSH: 'K.
DONNA: Where ya going?
JOSH: I, ah, need to speak to Leo.
DONNA: Why?
JOSH: He wants to talk about your Christmas present.
DONNA: Really?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: So you'll think about the skis?
JOSH: Yeah. I'll give that a lot of thought. (Josh throws out the list
Donna gave him.)
-------------------------------------------
DONNA:
Josh.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: I need to talk to you.
JOSH: Donna, I can assure you I'm giving your Christmas list the consideration.
DONNA: Seriously. What's going on with Leo?
JOSH: Donna.
DONNA: I just heard something.
JOSH: From who?
DONNA: From Margaret.
JOSH: The two of you shouldn't be--
DONNA: --Yeah, but we did.
JOSH: Donna.
DONNA: Is it true?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Well.
JOSH: Well, what?
DONNA: What are you gonna do?
JOSH: For the moment nothing, we're--
DONNA: --Josh
JOSH: --Wait and see how--
DONNA: --You're gonna wait and see?
JOSH: There's not much else we can do.
DONNA: We'll see?
JOSH: Yes. Could you stop looking at me with the face?
DONNA: It's my face.
JOSH: Like I just killed your hamster?
DONNA: I just think if the tables were turned
JOSH: Donna.
DONNA: If one of us were in trouble, he would be the first person...
JOSH: (shouts) I know! (more calmly and quietly) I know.
DONNA: It was my regular face Josh; I wasn't trying to guilt you.
JOSH: I know. I have to work.
DONNA: OK.
-------------------------------------------
DONNA:
(holding the present Josh gave her, a book) Heimlich Beckengruber on
The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing.
JOSH: It's got a molted calf cover and original drab boards.
DONNA: I don't know what to say...
JOSH: I wrote a note inside. (Donna looks inside and reads the note, she
gets choked up) Donna, don't get emotional. Donna, don't get...let's try
and maintain some kind of...
DONNA: Ya see!? You spend most of our time being, you know, you. Then you
write something like this to me. Thank you. (Donna pulls Josh into a hug)
JOSH: (Donna and Josh still embraced in a hug) I meant it.
DONNA: Skis would have killed you?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: OK.
(Josh turns to walk away but when he gets to his office door he looks back to see Donna rereading the note inside the book he gave her. She's smiling. He smiles, then turns to go into his office.)
CJ and Josh were in his office and have just completed a very important phone call that will help the confirmation process of a Supreme Court Justice.
CJ: It’s done!
DONNA: Who did it?
CJ: We did it!
JOSH: I did it! CJ was on the phone with her fingers crossed.
CJ: All you did was just one phone call.
JOSH: It was a series of phone calls, which I masterminded, while I’m not one to be selfish about credit, I think it is important to know that it is done, and I did it! Donna, call Toby. Call Sam. Call Leo. Call the President. Tell them I’m on my way over.
CJ and Josh continue talking about it, congratulating one another. Donna catches up to Josh.
DONNA: Wait!
JOSH: What?
DONNA: Don’t you want to know about the banging in your office?
JOSH: Banging in my office?
DONNA: They’ve been at it all morning.
JOSH: Banging?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DONNA: Josh, there’s a loud banging or thumping coming from the floor above your office.
JOSH: I didn’t notice.
DONNA: How could you not notice?
JOSH: Because I didn’t, Donna. I’ve been on the phone for the last hour trying to seal the deal to fill a seat on the Supreme Court.
DONNA: It was a pretty loud banging, Josh.
JOSH: You understand I’m talking about the United States Supreme Court right?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Okay.
Josh and Donna are now by Sam's office where Sam and Toby meet up with them.
SAM: Who da man?
TOBY: You da man!
SAM and JOSH: We da man!
DONNA: This is just gross.
JOSH: Wait here for me.
Josh, Sam, & Toby enter Mrs. Landingham's area.
---
Donna catches up to Josh by Sam's office.
DONNA: It’s a maintenance crew.
JOSH: The banging?
DONNA: They’re working upstairs.
JOSH: Peyton Cabot Harrison III.
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: "Peyton Cabot Harrison III." He sounds like he should be a Supreme Court justice.
DONNA: It’s a good name.
JOSH: Phillips Exeter, Princeton, Rhodes scholar... Harvard Law Review, for which he was, oh yeah, the editor... Did I mention that he was dean of Harvard Law School? Did I mention that his father was attorney general to Eisenhower?
DONNA: Peyton Cabot Harrison III.
JOSH: That’s right.
DONNA: Jewish fellow?
JOSH: You’re not gonna ruin this moment for me, Donna.
DONNA: I’m sharing this moment with you.
JOSH: This is a big day for us.
DONNA: You’re the men.
They're in his office now, banging is heard.
JOSH: You know what we’re finally gonna have?
DONNA: A waspy old man in the Supreme Court?
JOSH: A smooth confirmation process.
DONNA: You think?
JOSH: It’s gonna sail.
DONNA: I hope so.
JOSH: It’s gonna sail, Donna.
DONNA: There’s many a slip twixt the tongue and the wrist, Josh.
JOSH: Yes. Well, your fortune cookie wisdom notwithstanding, it’s gonna sail.
DONNA: Please don’t get your hopes up.
JOSH: Why shouldn’t I get my hopes up?
DONNA: Because when it doesn’t work out, you end up drunk in my apartment in the middle of the night and yell at my roommate’s cats.
JOSH: Smooth sailing, Donna.
DONNA: Cautious optimism, Josh.
JOSH: Nothing bad is gonna happen this week.
DONNA: Exercise cautious optimism.
JOSH: Look, there is no reason... (Part of the ceiling falls near Josh) Well...okay.
---
Josh and Donna are watching someone fix his office.
JOSH: That was inches from my head.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: Inches.
DONNA: It was not inches.
JOSH: It was inches. A little bit this way, a little bit that way, bam! Massive head wound.
DONNA: You’re fine.
JOSH: Yeah, but there for the grace of God, you know what I’m saying?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: I really think if big chunks of the ceiling are gonna fall down on anyone... I don’t know...
DONNA: What?
JOSH: It should be you.
DONNA: Ugh. I knew you were gonna say that.
JOSH: From now on, before I come in in the morning, I want you to test my office.
Mandy arrives, asking for him.
DONNA: Staff in ten minutes.
Donna leaves his office as Mandy enters it. She wants to talk about Lillienfield.
JOSH: Donna! Where’s my east Asia memo?!
DONNA: (from outside) Right here!
Mandy and Josh continue talking.
JOSH: (yelling) It’s okay, Donna. I’ll just come and get it myself!
DONNA: (from outside) Keep your pants on Josh! I’m on my way!
Josh and Mandy continue talking until she leaves and Donna comes in with the paper.
DONNA: Here.
JOSH: Thank you.
DONNA: You’re welcome.
JOSH: You should be nice to me. I could be dead you know.
DONNA: I don’t have that kind of luck.
Donna leaves.
---
A walk and talk...
DONNA: How does Lillienfield get his information?
JOSH: Ah, he’s got a half government oversight committee. These are the people who literally decide if we get heat and electricity in the White House.
DONNA: So they have access to background information?
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Josh?
JOSH: Yeah?
DONNA: You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable about interviewing me.
JOSH: I met you. I talked to you. I hired you. You know anybody around here who uses drugs?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: You want to tell me who they are?
DONNA: No.
JOSH: Good for you. Consider yourself interviewed.
DONNA: You’re a good boy, Josh.
JOSH: Donna, I’ve seen your records.
DONNA: I know.
JOSH: You need to learn that “no parking” means "no parking."
DONNA: The thing is sometimes I can’t find a space.
JOSH: Go to work.
Donna goes to her desk while Josh goes into his office to find Mandy waiting for him.
Donna and Mandy are in the doorway of Josh's office, he doesn't notice either of them.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Mandy wants to see you.
JOSH: Can you tell her I’m not in?
DONNA: No, I think the ship’s pretty much sailed on that one.
Josh looks up to see both Donna and Mandy standing there. Donna leaves as Mandy comes in. They talk until Donna comes in to get him.
DONNA: Josh?
JOSH: Yeah. Got to run.
---
Josh is talking with Mandy when he goes to talk to Donna.
JOSH: Donna, who am I talking to about this?
DONNA: Madison.
JOSH: Thank you.
Josh and Mandy return to his office, continuing their previous conversation until Josh walks out to talk to Donna again.
JOSH: It’s not a win. Donna, will you tell Leo’s office that I’ll have a solution for the President, very soon.
DONNA: Do you have a solution for the President?
JOSH: Does it look like I have a solution for the President?
DONNA: No.
JOSH: Then let’s assume that I don’t.
Josh and Mandy go back to his office, continuing their conversation. Mandy slams the door, trying to get Josh to see her side, then opens the door and leaves. Donna walks in.
DONNA: What was that about?
JOSH: Nothing.
DONNA: You sure?
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Okay.
JOSH: Where’s the Madison stuff?
DONNA: We’re getting it.
JOSH: Donna, it’s twenty minutes. I need it faster.
DONNA: We’re working, Josh, but honestly, the computer files are pretty antiquated.
JOSH: Yeah, you’re right. (He pauses, coming to a realization) Wait, what?
DONNA: I said that the computer...
JOSH: They’re antiquated.
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: (happily) They’re antiquated.
DONNA: What’s wrong with you?
JOSH: Would you have them tell the president that I’m ready to see him at his convenience? (smiling)
DONNA: You sure?
JOSH: Yeah. (self-satisfied grin)
JOSH: Donnatella Moss!
DONNA: Hey.
JOSH: A senior Indonesian deputy is coming tonight. Toby and I want to talk to him alone for a few minutes. I need you to find out if he can speak English and, if he can't, I need you to get an interpreter from state.
DONNA: What's his name?
JOSH: Rahmadi Suhmahidjo Bambang.
DONNA: Can you spell that?
JOSH: Not correctly, no.
DONNA: Josh?
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: I've got to tell you something.
JOSH: What?
DONNA: I'm not wild about this whole Indonesian business.
JOSH: What's the problem?
DONNA: I've been doing some reading on my own.
JOSH: I wish you wouldn't do that.
DONNA: Why?
JOSH: Because you tend to call up some bizarre factoid from a less than reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion.
DONNA: I do not!
JOSH: Don-na…
DONNA: I just thought that you'd might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.
JOSH: What?
DONNA: I read it.
JOSH: They summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers?
DONNA: They behead them.
JOSH: Sorcerers?
DONNA: Gangs of roving people, beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers with you know - what's that thing that death carries?
JOSH: A scythe.
DONNA: They're doing it with a scythe.
JOSH: Well, thanks for the heads up.
DONNA: I just thought you'd might like know who's coming over for dinner.
JOSH: You bet.
---
Later, Donna tells Toby asks Toby if he's heard about the sorcerers and he says he does so she turns to Josh..
DONNA: You see?
JOSH: You're all crazy.
---
Josh and Donna are in his office. She's fixing his bow tie for the dinner.
DONNA: If you can't explain what you're doing there, the assumption is that you're a sorcerer. If you try to run, the assumption is that you're a sorcerer, okay? So if anything happens the prudent thing is to stand still and calmly explain your business.
JOSH: Well, prudent or not, once the scythe comes out I'm probably going to haul a$$.
Charlie interrupts to ask Josh if he can find out where Charlie's grandparents are. Josh tells Donna to find them using his name, and if that doesn't work, Leo's name. Josh eventually catches up with Toby and finds out that the interpreter from state does not know Indonesian because there is no such language…
JOSH: (yelling) Donna!
DONNA: (comes running) I know, I know, I've got it under control.
JOSH: It's 7:30. Is there anyone left at state?
DONNA: No.
JOSH: Then, what are we doing?
DONNA: Well, Mr. Minaldi speaks Portuguese.
Toby: Where does that get us?
DONNA: Well, there's a guy who works in the kitchen who can translate Mr. Bombang's
Interpreter: Bambang
DONNA: …Bambang's Batak into Portuguese. Then Mr. Minaldi'll translate it into English.
Toby: Wait a minute. Uh, why can't the kitchen guy translate Batak into English?
DONNA: The kitchen guy doesn't speak English.
Toby: You're kidding me?
DONNA: Well, no, he speaks Batak and Portuguese so I wouldn't look down your nose.
Toby: Is the bar open yet?
DONNA: Yeah.
Toby: Make this work.
DONNA: I'm sorry.
Donna fixes Josh bow tie and walks off.
---
While it is taking a long time for the translators to translate from Batak to Portuguese to English the Indonesian deputy finally interrupts and lets them know he can speak English.
JOSH: Donna…
DONNA: I was told that he…
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: You should keep in mind all the things that I do right.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Should I go?
JOSH: Yes.
They're walking through the bullpen.
DONNA: Hi.
JOSH: Hey.
DONNA: Can I ask you a question?
JOSH: About what?
DONNA: The budget surplus.
JOSH: Go ahead.
DONNA: There's a $30 billion budget surplus.
JOSH: It'll actually shake out to about $32 billion.
DONNA: Whatever.
JOSH: Well, you know what they say.
DONNA: What do they say?
JOSH: A billion dollars here, a billion dollars there. Sooner or later, it starts to add up to real money.
DONNA: That's a nifty saying, Josh.
JOSH: I didn't coin it or anything.
DONNA: We have a $32 billion budget surplus for the first time in three decades.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: The republicans in congress want to use this money for tax relief, right?
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Essentially what they're saying is they want to give back the money.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: Why don't we want to give back the money?
JOSH: 'Cause we're democrats.
DONNA: But it's not the government's money.
JOSH: Sure it is, it's right there in our bank account.
DONNA: That's only 'cause we collected more money than we needed.
JOSH: Isn't it great?
DONNA: I want my money back.
JOSH: Sorry.
DONNA: We're not done with this.
JOSH: I didn't think so.
---
They're walking again after she pulls him out of a meeting.
JOSH: Did he say what it was about?
DONNA: What's wrong with me getting my money back?
JOSH: You won't spend it right.
DONNA: What do you mean?
JOSH: Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money, combine it with everybody else's money and use it to pay down the debt and further endow social security. What do you want to do with it?
DONNA: Buy a DVD player.
JOSH: See.
DONNA: But my $700 is helping employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players, not to mention the people manufacture and sell DVDs. It's the natural evolution of a market economy.
JOSH: The problem is the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan.
DONNA: I'll buy an American one.
JOSH: We don't trust you.
DONNA: Why not?
JOSH: We're democrats.
DONNA: I want my money back.
JOSH: You shouldn't have voted for us.
---
Donna comes in with food.
DONNA: Sandwiches.
JOSH: Thank you, Donna. Defending virtue is hungry work.
DONNA: I'll be at my desk.
JOSH: Uh, Donna?
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: How much were the sandwiches?
DONNA: $12.95
JOSH: I gave you a $20.
DONNA: Yes. As it turns out you actually gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you, as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.
JOSH: That was nice. A little parable.
DONNA: I want my money back.
Donna leaves.
They're doing a walk and talk.
DONNA: You have a staff meeting.
JOSH: That's where I'm going.
DONNA: I'm just telling you.
JOSH: Yes, but you see that's obviously where I'm going and yet you tell me anyway.
DONNA: And you don't find that adorable?
JOSH: That you seek to control me?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: Love it.
DONNA: Donald hasn't called me yet.
JOSH: Who's Donald?
DONNA: Donald.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: From the thing?
JOSH: Right. Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local gomers that you see in the free time you create by not working very hard at your job.
DONNA: Excuse me?
JOSH: You work hard at your job.
DONNA: How hard?
JOSH: Very hard.
DONNA: And I am?
JOSH: Not at all controlling.
DONNA: Thank you, you have a staff meeting.
JOSH: On my way.
DONNA: Wait. There's another thing…
JOSH: What?
DONNA: Hang on.
JOSH: Donna!
DONNA: Hang on, here it is. Leo wants you to meet someone named Lacey from the National Security Council in his office after staff.
JOSH: Thank you.
DONNA: What do you think it's about?
JOSH: I don't know but this is the White House, so it's probably not that important…
---
Also in this episode, Josh gets a card letting him get special treatment in case of nuclear war while the rest of the staff and his staff don't get cards. All day he feels guilty for having the card and makes the National Security Advisor take it back. He even goes to see his psychologist and this is where we learn about his sister Joanie…
Josh walks into the bullpen with Sam, everyone starts applauding.
JOSH: I sense I'm being mocked.
DONNA: Congratulations, Josh.
JOSH: What did I do?
DONNA: You won our award for best gift valued over $25 on the financial disclosure reports.
JOSH: Really?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: What won it for me?
DONNA: The $1189 Vianatelli silk smoking jacket from Mrs. Sarah Wissenger.
JOSH: (laughing and smiling) Ah, yes…
DONNA: You're also our runner-up, by the way, with a $345 antique scrimshaw cigarette holder, also from Mrs. Sarah Wissenger.
JOSH: Well, Sarah was very fond of me.
DONNA: Well, I'd imagine with that smoking jacket and the cigarette holder, you were quite the dandy.
JOSH: all right, this was fun, but Sam and I are busy making critical decisions and I'm sure you have a lot of typing to do so I'll talk to you later.
DONNA: Bye
---
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Congressman Wick is waiting in the mural room.
JOSH: I know.
DONNA: He's been waiting 20 minutes.
JOSH: I know.
DONNA: You have a legislative liaison in meeting in 15 minutes
JOSH: I know.
DONNA: And then the East Asia briefing.
JOSH: I know.
DONNA: All right, well then this entire conversation served only as a reminder.
JOSH: Actually, it only served as a colossal waste of time and energy. Keep up the good work!
Josh has just walked into the White House when Donna comes up to him, they walk towards his office.
DONNA: CJ's looking for you.
JOSH: Huh?
DONNA: CJ's looking for you.
JOSH: Donna?
DONNA: Yeah.
JOSH: "Good Morning Josh" is a pretty good way to start the day.
DONNA: Good morning.
JOSH: What's up?
DONNA: CJ's looking for you.
JOSH: Tell her I'm in the office.
DONNA: Josh, I'm saying CJ is looking for you.
JOSH: What did I do?
DONNA: How would I know?
JOSH: 'Cause you know everything.
DONNA: I do know everything.
JOSH: Donna!
DONNA: I'm saying you say that now but anytime I want to make a substantive contribution…
JOSH: You make plenty of substantive contributions.
DONNA: Like what?
JOSH: This! This could be a substantive contribution.
DONNA: I need a raise.
JOSH: So do I.
DONNA: You're my boss.
JOSH: I'm not the one that pays you.
DONNA: Yes, but you could recommend that I got a raise.
JOSH: Donna, she's looking for me. Do you think this is really a good time to talk about a raise?
DONNA: Hmm…I think this is the best time to talk about a raise.
JOSH: Donna, you're not a very nice person.
DONNA: You gotta get to know me.
JOSH: Donna…
DONNA: (heavy sigh) The best I can cobble together from the small shards of information I've been able to overhear at the restroom and at the Danish cart…
JOSH: Donna…
DONNA: Is it possible that there's a situation involving Sam a woman and CJ being denied information about something?
JOSH: Okay, here's what I'm going to do…
DONNA: Hide in your office?
JOSH: (backing into his office) No, I'm not going to "hide in my office." I'm going to go in my office and devise a strategy. That is what I do. I'm a professional, not a little boy.
DONNA: Mmm, that's the spirit.
JOSH: But if she calls, I'm at the dentist. I'll be back in an hour.
DONNA: Got it.
Josh walks into his office and screams because CJ is sitting in his chair. Donna comes in…
DONNA: Wait -- she was here?
JOSH: Yes.
CJ: Would you excuse us, Donna?
DONNA: How did I miss that?
JOSH: I don't know, but you can kiss that raise good-bye.
DONNA: Senior staff in five minutes.
JOSH: Thanks.
Donna leaves Josh's office.
---
Donna and Josh are walking into the Roosevelt room where Charlie Young is waiting to be vetted.
JOSH: I haven't eaten lunch yet. If anyone's going to the thing…
DONNA: What do you want?
JOSH: I would like salad, I would like a soup of some kind, and if you were to run across a sandwich then hang the expense.
DONNA: Right.
JOSH: And I would like a bottle of water.
DONNA: This is Charles Young.
JOSH: I'm supposed to vet you.
Josh starts the interview with Charlie but sees Donna walk by..
JOSH: Uh, Donna!
DONNA: Yeah
JOSH: Nevermind the salad, I'm not going to eat it anyway.
DONNA: Fine
JOSH: But I would like a bottle of water as soon as humanly possible.
Josh continues with the interview until Donna brings him the water.
DONNA: Your water.
Charlie: See there's been a mistake…
JOSH: I'll say, Donna! (looking at a paper)
Charlie: I should go…
JOSH: "Insuccesful"?
DONNA: What's the problem?
JOSH: I don't think we're able to make up our own words.
DONNA: Oh, and like there's no chance it's a typo?
JOSH: Change it will you? Serious people are going to read that.
Josh continues with the interview.
---
Josh is wandering around the bullpen.
JOSH: Where's Charlie?
DONNA: He's filling out his employment stuff at personnel.
JOSH: How's he doing?
DONNA: He looked pretty freaked.
JOSH: He's a gamer, I can pick 'em
DONNA: If you say so.
JOSH: (he continues standing there) I have nothing to do.
DONNA: I can see.
JOSH: Whoa (someone reaches around him to grab a file), excuse me. Everyone running around, like the future of the world of the world depends on it, which I suppose it does. Everyone running around, working. Me, I got nothing to do.
DONNA: Yes.
JOSH: Like a writer on a movie set.
DONNA: Have you ever been on a movie set?
JOSH: No, but I hear stories.
DONNA: You want to do mail?
JOSH: At least there's some comfort in knowing that whatever's gonna happen today has already happened.
Mandy: (coming out of his office) Josh, your office sucks.
JOSH: I don't understand it. Why can't you tell me that there is a person in my office?
DONNA: Hey, the first time I didn't know, and the second time, I didn't care that much.
Mandy has just found out that she's lost her job working for Lloyd Russell because he doesn't want to run right now. Josh has helped to play a part in this…
JOSH: (Coming out of his office into the bullpen) Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine.
DONNA: (Coming into the bullpen) Morning, Josh.
JOSH: (He turns to her) I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land
DONNA: (She hangs her coat while behind him, he is pretending to beat his chest as people in the bullpen are clapping) It's gonna be an unbearable day.
---
They're entering the Oval's office.
JOSH: Someone give me a river to forge, a serpent to slay…
CJ: What's his problem?
DONNA: He's been drinking form the keg of glory. We're to bring him all the muffins and bagels in the land.
---
They're walking through the bullpen.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: What do you need?
DONNA: You owe me a hundred dollars.
JOSH: For what?
DONNA: I entered you in a college football pool.
JOSH: Without telling me?
DONNA: Well, it was kind of a surprise
JOSH: How did I do?
DONNA: You lost a hundred dollars.
JOSH: On who?
DONNA: On Central Indiana State.
JOSH: What was the line?
DONNA: It wasn't really that kind of a pool.
JOSH: What kind of a pool was it?
DONNA: You just pick the winner.
JOSH: You picked Central Indiana State?
DONNA: The fighting Okies.
JOSH: Who were they playing?
DONNA: Notre Dame.
JOSH: (incredulously) You picked Central Indiana State against Notre Dame?
DONNA: Well, technically, you did.
Donna walks away.
---
Josh and Sam are talking about Sam's encounter with Laurie, the call girl in Josh's office.
There's knocking, Donna opens the door.
JOSH: Yes?
DONNA: You're with the energy secretary in five minutes.
JOSH: Thanks.
DONNA: What's going on?
JOSH: Nothing.
DONNA: Really?
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: You're lying?
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: So I should get out?
JOSH: Yes.
Donna leaves the office.
Josh resumes the conversation with Sam as he gets ready to leave. He walks out of his office to catch up with CJ. As he does, Donna shouts out to him..
DONNA: (hands him a blue folder) You're late!
JOSH: (rapidly walking to catch up with CJ) Thank you!
---
They're walking through the bullpen as she's writing something down in a notebook.
DONNA: Josh.
JOSH: Yeah.
DONNA: Who do you want for the pool this Saturday?
JOSH: Another hundred bucks.
DONNA: Well, you can't win if you don't play.
JOSH: I see it different.
DONNA: Who do you like, Rocky Mountain College or Purdue?
JOSH: Tell you what. Can you give me Yeshiva University over the Dallas Cowboys?
DONNA: If you're not going to take this seriously then I'm just gonna…
CJ interrupts and CJ and Josh start a walk and talk.
---
Also in this episode, throughout the day Josh has been pushing for Mandy not to be hired as a media consultant because she's his ex-girlfriend and the rest of the staff has been pretending to go along with him. However, they're really not and they decide to hire her against his wishes.
DONNA: Good morning, Leo.
Leo: Hey, Donna, is he in yet?
DONNA: Yeah.
Leo: Can you get him?
DONNA: (yelling) Josh!
-------------------------------------------
Josh is in his office playing and replaying the videotape of him yelling at Mary Marsh.
MARY MARSH: (on TV) I can tell you that you don't believe in any God I pray to, Mr. Lyman. Not any God I pray to.
JOSH: (on TV) Lady, the God you pray to is too busy getting indicted for tax fraud.
DONNA: You shouldn’t have worn that tie on television. It bleeds.
Josh looks up to see Donna standing in the doorway with a cup of coffee.
JOSH: I don’t think it’s the tie that got me in trouble.
DONNA: Yeah, but I’ve told you a zillion times.
JOSH: What’s that?
DONNA: It’s coffee.
JOSH: I thought so.
DONNA: I brought you some coffee.
JOSH: What’s goin’ on, Donna?
DONNA: Nothing’s going--
JOSH: DONNA:-
DONNA: I brought you some coffee.
JOSH: Close the door. (Donna closes Josh's office door.) Donnatella Moss. When did you start working for me?
DONNA: During the campaign.
JOSH: And how long have you been my assistant?
DONNA: A year and a half.
JOSH:
And when was the last time you brought me a cup of coffee? (Josh waits
while Donna thinks.)
It was never. You’ve never brought me a cup of coffee.
DONNA: If you’re gonna make a big deal out of--
JOSH: Donna, if I get fired, I get fired.
DONNA: Do you think he’s gonna do it?
JOSH: ...No.
Someone knocks on the door.
TOBY: (from outside the door) It’s Toby.
DONNA: You won that election for him. You and Leo and CJ and Sam.
TOBY: (from outside the door) Open the damn door.
DONNA: And him.
Donna opens the door.
JOSH: Thanks for the coffee.
DONNA: You’re welcome.
Donna leaves Josh's office.
TOBY: Donna brought you coffee?
DONNA: (over her shoulder) Shut up.
-------------------------------------------
Donna and Josh are in his office. Donna is standing in front of Josh, holding out a fresh shirt and tie.
JOSH: No.
DONNA: Put it on!
JOSH:
No.
DONNA:
Put it on!
JOSH:
No.
DONNA: You’ve been wearing the same clothes for 31 hours now, Josh.
JOSH: I’m not getting spruced up for these people, Donna.
DONNA: All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt.
JOSH: ....(grabbing the shirt and tie) Gimme that.
DONNA:
Bonnie!
BONNIE:
Yeah…
DONNA:
Tell Toby he's changing his shirt.
-------------------------------------------
Also in this episode, when Josh meets Mandy Hampton for lunch, we find out that she is Josh's ex-girlfriend. They used to work on the Bartlet presidential campaign together but now she is back in town working for and dating Senator Lloyd Russell.