When I say I am poor, I'm not really. Just like to pretend that I'm
poor so that people feel sorry for me. When panhandling on state
street, leering at those pretty young thangs walking by, I often sing a
sad song about my lack of sexual prowess. Sometimes it works and I get
a dime thrown at me. In truth, my only conquest was some secretary of a
schlep who sails around the world and drags her along to type his
letters (he's definitely a fairy in denial). When I'm not panhandling,
I can be found sleeping in an alcove somewhere, smelling fetid (just to
keep up appearances mind you).
About you:
You should be interested in being homeless, lazy, and shiftless.
Although I don't understand what shiftless means, it seems to be
commonly used in conjunction with these other adjectectives. I don't
care if you like me or even want to be near me, just pretend to be
there. You should be good at spotting cheapskates, cheats, deadbeats,
and deadheads (good luck with that one).
If you manage to lower yourself to my qualifications, let me know. Be
warned, however, i've been kicked out of the library for two weeks, so
I may not respond promptly. Having said that, I (me personally, in
person) will personally filter out the top 500 responses by myself. I
will contact each of you, begging for any kind of human contact (or a
quarter, whichever is easier for you).
I bid the farewell, or until you spot me on State street urinating on myself.
Now that's what I'm talking about! I let the dolt who wrote "beautiful
on the outside" know exactly what I thought of him, and the pansy had
it removed from CL. At least you know how to write and don't blame
grammatical errors on your "professional typist." You sound like the
coolest hobo ever. Fare thee well, dear vagabond. Thanks for
brightening my day.
From: Michele T_______________
To: [email protected]
Date: Jun 17, 2006 5:56 PM
Subject: Beautiful on the Outside, Rich on the Inside - 24
Are you for real?
From: Samantha
To: [email protected]
Date: Jun 18, 2006 9:32 PM
Subject: well that's a first...
somebody in Madison that can poke a little fun :)
my fav line: "You should be gracious and graceful and dependent and dependable"
although I bristle at the crew joke as it hits a little close to home.
thanks for the laugh
Samantha B
From: Gabrielle Z_______________
To: [email protected]
Date: Jun 24, 2006 10:21 PM
Subject: re: Beautiful on the Outside, Rich on the Inside - 24
Dear Charming Aristocrat,
It seems as though I've been looking my entire life for a well-heeled young gent such as yourself. Short of moving to the English countryside (which would work with the possible exception being the unfortunate "Brit-tooth" that tarnishes the aesthetic of many a fine chap) I'd begun to think that dream would go unrealized. However, from the sounds of your e-mail- finely typed by Annette, please give my regards- it would appear as though Prince Charming may actually exist. Why would anyone want to go for long slow walks on the beach or discuss foreign films when they could instead bask in the warmth of the fire fueled by piles of cold, hard cash? I pity those silly women who kid themselves into thinking they should find someone who is intelligent, kind, sensitive, witty, or respectful. We all know that what is most important in life can easily be purchased with the swipe of a platinum Visa in a tiny Milanese boutique.
Your dictated description of yourself perfectly summarizes the man I have been seeking....polo and hedge funds, please say no more. As for me, I aim to perfect my reading aloud of the Russian masters such as Tolstoy or the more delicate words of Austen so that I may entertain you as you suffer through your daily bath and massage. I am highly skilled in napkin-folding and have been complimented on the gracefulness with which I nod my head in agreement. I have actually had an operation to fuse my first and second cervical vertebrae in order to make disagreement impossible. I am meek and quiet and speak only when spoken to. I would love to be the woman on your arm (or in the kitchen, as your bidding) as you gallantly attempt to blow through all of your family's wealth.
Humbly yours,
G
