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Abuse mostly happens behind closed doors and the abuser usually
presents a “perfect social image,” so that people see the good side of him.
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But names will never hurt me. …
Contrary to the common belief
that only physical beating defines domestic violence, verbal abuse is as
damaging to an individual, if not more. Mental space is as important to
one's healthy development as one's body. It is the psychological intrusion
of the self that inflicts the most damage.
Abuse is a form of long-term torture usually inflicted by the victim’s
nearest ones. It is a destruction of trust and leads to disorientation,
fear, depression, and suicidal tendency in the abused. Whereas physical
beatings are the very obvious forms of abuse, words that attack or injure an
individual, and cause one to believe an untrue statement constitutes
psychological violence. Verbal abuse is damaging to the spirit. It makes the
abused less confident of themselves and lowers self-esteem considerably. The
abuser basically focuses on making the abused feel “worthless”. Yelling,
intimidating, name calling, accusing, belittling and criticizing are some
forms of verbal abuse.
Most verbal abuse is experienced in married relationships and usually women
are the bearers of the abuse. Saadia, an educated mother of four children
has been suffering from verbal abuse since she got married. “In the
beginning I thanked Allah that at least my husband did not beat me.” Now
years of verbal abuse have taken their emotional toll and she is not the
same confident person that she used to be. Her children, she says, are also
very “nervous in nature and unsure of themselves.” It is very harmful to
children to constantly witness verbal or physical abuse as they feel
threatened too.
Zoha, another victim of verbal beating secretly confesses that “her husband
looks happy after verbally abusing her.” Unfortunately Zoha questions
herself when her husband loses his temper. “I sometimes feel I am blowing
things out of proportion or overreacting.” This is one of the reasons why
this form of abuse is not so commonly questioned or treated. Because the
abuser is not beating, the woman usually believes that she can avoid being
abused.
“My husband acts very normal after shouting at me,” says Asma a young bride.
This is what verbal abusers usually do. Verbal abusers almost universally
act like as if nothing had happened, and that the relationship is fine. This
is because they feel they are in control and they successfully manage to
make their wives believe they are at fault. When the abused doubts herself,
she acts more compliant and slave-like and this makes the abuser happy.
These are views of some of the women who were bold enough to share their
experiences and more importantly feel that verbal abuse is a form of abuse.
Most women don’t recognise it as such and continue to lead unhappy married
lives. Most people think that verbal abuse does not merit too much attention
and don't consider it as domestic violence. Since when is breaking glasses,
slamming doors and throwing things regularly not violent? They think it's
just a "communication problem". The abuse usually happens behind closed
doors and the abuser usually presents a “perfect social image,” so many
people may not see the problem. Lack of support from family and friends is
mostly why women continue to bear the brunt of such behaviour.
According to a clinical psychologist, “Emotional abuse is worse in the long
run and later physical abuse is always a possibility.” It makes the woman
feel isolated in her pain and the mental stress gradually affects her entire
outlook of life. The constant scolding, insults, threats and ridiculing,
create a risk of post-traumatic stress disorder. He also adds, “It can lead
to a nervous breakdown or result in severe depression that can encourage
suicidal tendencies.” Also children who are the target of frequent verbal
mistreatment exhibit higher rates of physical aggression, delinquency, and
social problems than other children.
An important fact that often goes unrecognised is that males are also
verbally abused and because it is hardly heard of it is ignored. A woman can
be equally harming by verbally abusing her spouse even if she is not capable
of physical violence. Arshad is a clerk in a bank and complains of being
shouted at by his wife. “She is not happy with my income and is constantly
yelling at me and insulting me for my lack of earning more.” He has five
children and adds, “If it was not for the children I would kill myself.”
Such confessions are alarming and makes one realise how damaging emotional
abuse can be.
Unfortunately, exposure to verbal aggression has received little attention
as a specific form of abuse. Verbal abuse may also have more lasting
consequences than other forms of abuse, because it’s often more continuous.
It should be discouraged the first time and under no circumstances should
one individual justify his abusing another.
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