| An Intimate Portrayal... Kind Of |
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| Considering I don't like to share the intimate details of my life with, well anyone really, I have no idea why I'm writing this page. I'm just in a "sharing" kind of mood, I guess. Anyway, if you don't go in for all that sentimental, mentally unstable bullshit, then you should probably just skip over this page. I've tried, in making these pages, to be upbeat and happy, to show anyone reading this that I am a happy person, damn it, and I enjoy the benefits of sanity. However, I must admit that all this is totally false. Part of my intricate facade that must not at any time be invaded by anyone. I am a very complicated person, with lots and lots of baggage, which is why I choose not to get involved with anyone at this point, although I don't get any offers anyway. But even if I did, I would have to decline, simply because I don't want to involve anyone in my mental demise. It just doesn't seem fair to the sane people out there who think they can handle me. I've been through more stuff than I care to remember and the last thing that I need is someone who wants to play "hero" and pretend like they care. I'm suffer from severe bi-polar disorder and my moods alter from minute to minute. I guess that could have something to do with why I'm in a "sharing" mood right now. Chances are, I'll probably erase this page whenever I start to feel better. I've had many "friends" who think that they can help me, that they can make me better. I don't really know how to explain to anyone that this isn't just something that goes away. That this is a lifelong disease and no amount of pseudo sympathy will change that. I suppose what I really mean to get off my chest here is that I hate false people, and in my limited experience with human beings in society, they are all false. I have met maybe one or two people in my entire being that were not totally faux. It really disturbs me because I know that even as I'm typing this, I'm being somewhat hypocritical. I know that when I am amidst people with pseudo personalities, I also develop one. I'll go as far as to say that I have a very intricate mask that I wear when I'm around people. But when it comes to being a true friend to someone, I take the mask off. Or I at least bring it down for awhile. When I want to help someone, or even listen to someone, I try to do it as honestly as I can, with the least amount of bullshit as possible. The only thing that I ask in return is that people be honest with me. I realize that some people who I think are false are really in all honestly just very shallow people. I just have to learn how to weed them out and not tell them the intimate details of my life. So I guess, in all actuality, this all boils down to me being a bad judge of character. I should recognize the people that are false, and stay away from them. Ah, well, now that I've gotten this written out it all makes perfect sense to me. I'll just have to go into seclusion and never talk to anyone again. Hmm... now there's a thought... |