The cures for pornography addiction

 

Rick Doder

Update if necessary. Last update: June 21, 2003

 

Hi! My name is Rick. If you are looking for help with pornography addiction, then this is the right place. I would like to help by telling you about the solutions that are working for me. Hopefully, these solutions will work for you. If you are under the age of 18, then read this with parental or guardian guidance for discussion afterwards.

 

Practical solutions that are working for me, and the reasoning used to arrive at the solutions:

 

Can we eliminate all sources of pornography as a solution to our addiction? No, because there are too many sources. Convenience stores and adult video stores that are everywhere. The Internet is almost an essential tool for communication, education and other important uses. Internet access is available everywhere (libraries, at work, at home) and there are free service providers for home use. Pornography blocking software do not work because they are designed to protect one’s children, not oneself. However, if you are addicted to Internet pornography at home, then I recommend using NetZero, an Internet service provider that gives only ten hours of free Internet service per month. That really helps to cut down on access to Internet pornography and I found that to be helpful.

 

Can we control our sexual cravings effectively through mental training and practicing better behaviors? I think we can, once we make a strong commitment to change no matter what obstacles, temptations, withdrawal, or suffering we face. Aristotle said that virtues are about what is difficult. The Dalai Lama wrote that there is a saying in Tibet that engaging in the practice of virtue is as hard as driving a donkey uphill, whereas engaging in destructive activities is as easy as rolling boulders downhill. Not all that are difficult are virtues, but all virtues are difficult in that they require conscious effort to practice. The way to freedom includes strong determination to change for the better, an understanding of reality or what is going on, knowing and practicing helpful techniques, and put sustained effort in practicing the techniques regularly. Techniques do not help if we are not determined to change and if we do not practice them. We are made of the same stuff as other people who are not addicted. Quitting the addiction is possible.

 

Right understanding: proper understanding of what is really going on and seeing the truth helps us in living happy, non-addicted lives. What is really going on? Notice what is happening. We have desires because we are addicted to pleasures. We are borne to like pleasures because they aid survival and reproduction. We get pleasures by masturbating while watching new pornographic material. After awhile, the new becomes the old, and we no longer find it to be exciting. We look for new material. The cycle continues, and we are helpless to stop it. Or are we helpless? No. Here is the way out. See the truth in what has been described. Before we have something (e.g. new pornographic material), we want and crave it and think it is great. After the new becomes the old, we no longer want it and no longer think it is great. What has changed? The material has not changed; the movie or the picture is still the same. What has changed is our state of mind. We crave for what we want not because it is intrinsically desirable or worthwhile, but because it is new, exciting, and it helps us to give ourselves pleasure. We know it is not intrinsically desirable or worthwhile because notice that we do not want it after having it. That is the nature of the mind, the human condition, what is really going on. Pleasure, suffering, happiness and misery, most of them are due to our states of mind. Our ignorance of our states of mind as the causes of craving and suffering is a cause of suffering. What specific states of mind cause suffering? Not seeing the truth of what is happening.

So what is happening? We are chasing pleasures that are forever running away from us. The time during which we are not experiencing pleasure, we are craving and suffering. The time during which we experience pleasure is short and fleeting. After we get what we wanted, we get bored with it and no longer want it. We chase after something else, the new thrill. We get it, get bored, go for something new, go for the next hit of pleasure, and the cycle of pleasure and pain repeats itself. What is worse is that sometimes we do not get what we want, and we keep craving and suffering. We are never satisfied, and this state of being perpetually unsatisfied, of craving, is suffering, is what is really going on. So we spend most of the time of our lives craving and being miserable, chasing for fleeting pleasures which woefully take up so little of our time. Notice all the while what is happening. What we want and no longer want has not changed. What has changed is our desire for any particular thing. This desire changes before and after possession. Before possession, we want it so badly. After possession, we no longer want or treasure what we previously wanted. This happens with everything that we have ever wanted. The girls that I wanted to date, the computer games that I wanted to play, the fancy mountain bikes that I wanted to own, the pornography that I wanted to watch. Some I got and no longer want, others I never got but eventually I no longer bother myself with wanting them because my state of mind changes too. However, it took me a long time to grow out of cravings without satisfying them. We know this is true just by examining past experiences with things and circumstances that we wanted. Why do we want what we want? Because we idealize what we do not have. Why do we no longer want what we wanted after we get it? Because reality never lives up to perfection, to what we idealize things to be before we have them and get to know them as the imperfect things and circumstances that they are bound to be because this is an imperfect world. Because of imperfection, nothing can satisfy us for life. Knowing this, what is the way out of the cycle of pleasure and suffering? The way out is to say to ourselves that we do not need what we want because we know that after getting it, we will no longer want it anyway. The way to happiness is to enjoy fully and be happy with what we have already. Enjoy fully the present moment, what is in front of us, and do not chase so much after what we do not have. If we are eating, notice and enjoy fully the taste of the meal. Being able to enjoy the small pleasures of life means that we no longer need to chase after the big pleasures of orgasm so much anymore.

We can change our minds and the right state of mind helps us to be happy. Contentment with what we have helps us to be happy. What do we need to be happy? Food, shelter, family, friends, some interests, something to do with our lives, and that sums it up pretty good. Happiness is a state of mind that can be less dependent on conditions. Normally, we are miserable because we insist that we must have this or that in order to be happy. For example, the addict insists that I must look for new pornography and masturbate to it in order to feel pleasure and be happy. The insight here is that your mind insists that you need this or that thing to be happy, when the reality is that probably what you think you need, you do not really need. Our insistence of imposing conditions that need to be met before we are happy is a cause of suffering.

Reality is what is really going on in the universe. Perception is the interaction between the mind and the external world through the senses and actions of the body. What we see are perceptions and not reality because seeing reality requires us to know things as they really are, but we never completely know things as they truly are. For example, when we talk to others, we see what they want us to see, and we see what we want to see by choosing to notice certain aspects over other aspects. Sometimes the mind gets in the way of seeing the truth. For example, let’s say there is a person who seems nice to people who he knows, but he talks behind their backs. People who know him perceives him to be nice, but they do not see the reality and truth that he talks behind their backs. When they hear from mutual friends who say that this person talked behind their backs, they cannot believe it because their minds tell them that this person who is so nice cannot possibly do such a thing. If we were capable of seeing and knowing everything, then we would have less trouble in our lives because we understand what is going on.

What does reality versus perception have to do with pornography addiction? Our minds tell us that we like pornography, we crave it, and we lose control over it because we enjoy it so much. Our perception and subjective experience tells us that we have no willpower over the addiction. What is the reality? Addictions are based on the release of certain neurotransmitters in the brain. Repeated thoughts and behaviors that we notice subjectively cause our habits. Objectively, habits are made of certain neural connections that have been strengthened by repeated stimulation. That means that quitting an addiction can be thought of as rewiring the brain and establishing new neural connections that replace the old ones. This rewiring is done by new understanding of the nature of what is going on and by cutting the link between the feeling of craving and the response of getting what is craved. This is done by meditation which is explained further below.

Our perceptions are not reality because our minds cloud us with thoughts and feelings that we dwell on and allow ourselves to get stuck on. Obsessions and cravings are based on entertaining the same thoughts and feelings over and over again. When we are obsessed with a woman or pornography or anything else, that obsession is caused by our seeming inability to stop thinking about them, but there are ways to stop. Meditation is a good way to break ourselves from getting stuck on certain thoughts and feelings that we do not want to get stuck on.

Here is another understanding of insight that leads to detachment from the craved objects and circumstances. Nothing inherently exists because everything that we sense are aggregates of smaller parts and these parts are in cycles of breakdown and reformation that give rise to other things all the time. We do not normally notice this because some things take a long time to break down and reform, but they do break down eventually. Seeing everything in your current surroundings, imagine pressing the "fast forward" button of time and seeing everything around you break down and become something else. The monitor in front of you will eventually end up in a garbage dump somewhere and break down. People in your life will grow old and die. Nothing is forever, so what is the point of wanting and attaching to things that never last? We only give ourselves heartaches by doing so. Let go of attachment to possessions, objects and circumstances, including pornography. That does not mean to throw away everything we own or to stop wanting anything or anyone or to deny ourselves of pleasures which is the other extreme, but it means to take the middle way and be moderate in most things.

Another insight is that we approach the world from a personal point of view, when reality is that I do not exist inherently and independently. A personal point of view assigns meaning, value and significance to things and circumstances that have no intrinsic meaning, value or significance. The world that we experience is just that, what we experience. What we do not sense we do not think exist, but how could we ever know what really exist or do not exist? How could we know that this is not all just a dream or a synthesis of the mind? We can never know. But I digress. When we seek pornography, what we really seek is the firings of certain neural connections in our brains that give us the feeling of pleasure. So what we are really looking for is not in the outside world, but the pleasure is in our minds. Our biology imposes unto us conditions that are required to feel pleasure, but is pleasure, the firings of certain neurons, really important? No. We live too much in sensual pleasure and blind ourselves from the truth with our senses. The truth is that we are minds and awareness imprisoned in the needs and compulsions of our bodies. Knowing this is another step towards freedom.

When we notice that we are having lustful thoughts and emotions, we should not entertain the thoughts and feelings so much by thinking and doing something else. What is lust? Lust is defined as "excessive, overwhelming, or uncontrolled sexual desire." Why should we not dwell on lust? Because the consequences of lust are negative. There is nothing wrong with normal sexual desire, but excessive sexual desire is negative because then we become unthinking, self-centered, and focused on short-term pleasures without reflections on long-term consequences and the effects on the well-being of everyone. Upon reflection, we realize that lust is harmful to everyone. How is lust harmful? Lustful cravings cannot be satisfied completely and lastingly, so they always come back to haunt us. Never-ending cravings eventually meet with situations in which the cravings cannot be satisfied, and unsatisfied cravings are sources of frustration and suffering. For example, lust for attractive women is a source of suffering because such a craving is never-ending. One minute we like this girl’s looks, the next minute we like this other girl’s looks. We are hooked to the point that we cannot lead healthy lives, and we affect others negatively. A Buddhist idea of impermanence observes that everything in the world changes and interchanges all the time and nothing is stable or forever. A girl with the looks that we like will grow old in time and we will no longer like her if we like her mainly for her looks. We cannot possibly have sex with all the beautiful women in the world. Even if we think, "If I can have her or see her naked, then I would be satisfied," we know from experience that is not true. We get bored with her easily and we need more. Lust is never fulfilled completely and is always a source of burning cravings, discontent, heartbreaks, divorce, restlessness and suffering. As long as we lust, we will continue to suffer. As soon as we refrain from excessive sexual desires and other afflictive emotions, be able to stop them once they arise and prevent further arisings, and cultivate positive thoughts and emotions such as love, kindness, tolerance, patience, forgiveness, compassion and so on, we stop our suffering and attain happiness.

 

On implementing helpful techniques, when we change our actions, habits and surroundings, we are NOT only going to make small little changes. We must make many big changes. Why? Because many causes led to our pornography addiction or present circumstances. To eliminate pornography addiction, its many causes must be eliminated. How do I know? I learned it from Buddhist reasoning. The ideas below are paraphrases from a book called Ethics of the New Millennium by the Dalai Lama. Note that the sentences below about pornography addiction were not written by the Dalai Lama. Those sentences are my interpretation and application of the ideas presented. In Buddhist teachings, the idea of dependent origination states that:

 

1.     Complex webs of numerous causes and conditions lead to the effects and consequences that we observe. Effects and consequences do not occur without their causes. For example, think of all the causes and conditions needed to make a car. We need the mining and shipping of raw materials, employing and training workers, drafting and planning designs and instructions, purchasing and transporting machinery required, and so on. Similarly, pornography addiction does not occur without its many causes. To eliminate pornography addiction, we must eliminate many causes of the addiction by making many changes to our thoughts, emotions, attitudes, behaviors, habits, surroundings, activities, practices, actions, and so on.

2.     Mutual dependence exists between "part" and "whole". Without parts, there is no whole. Without whole, there is no concept of parts. In some sense, there is great complexity in the possibility of infinite parts and wholes. For example, I am a person (whole), made of many organs (parts). An organ (whole) is made of many different types of tissues (parts). And so on down to cells, organelles, molecules, atoms, protons and neutrons and electrons, quarks, etc. I am only one person (part) out of many people that make up my community (whole). And so on up to towns and cities, municipalities, regions, provinces, nations, the world, the Earth, the solar system, the Milky Way, the galaxies, the universe(s), etc. The point is that the idea of dependent origination means that "wholes" do not occur without their "parts", and "parts" are not "parts" without "wholes." Causes and effects (parts and wholes) can extend infinitely backward and forward. Therefore, to eliminate our pornography addiction or to change other circumstances (whole or effect), we must eliminate the many, many causes of our addiction (parts or causes) that extend infinitely backward.

3.     All phenomena dependently originated because all lack independent identity. Nothing exists in and of itself. Everything is connected. A wheel, for example, is made of smaller things like rubber, and a wheel is part of bigger things like cars. Cars are not cars without wheels, and wheels are not wheels without rubber. That means that our present situation has been brought about by infinite causes that extend backward, and our pornography addiction or other good or bad deeds are some of the infinite causes that spreads infinitely forward to affect others. Figuratively and literally, without "you", there is no "I", and without "I", there is no "you". The concept of "I" would not exist without the concept of "you," and vice versa. On another level, how would I live without all of you working for my survival and well-being? Where would you be without people working for our survival and well-being? We depend on each other to survive and live happily. I wear clothes made by others, eat food grown by others, live in a house built by others, depend on other organisms for survival, and so on. In turn, I work in an occupation that benefits others and I do things that benefit others and other organisms. Knowing our lack of independent identity, there is no real "you" or "I" or "it". In time we return to dust. We all belong to "us" of this universe. Knowing the universal impact of our actions as causes that extend out to affect everyone’s happiness or suffering, we have the responsibility to eliminate the many causes of our bad deeds and habits, and to ensure that we become positive causes that affect others in good ways. In doing so, we destroy the chains of causes and effects that bring about pain and suffering, and we extend chains of causes and effects that bring happiness and peace to the world and beyond. We know by experience and reasoning that pornography addiction does not benefit anyone and harms everyone. In being aware of the universal dimension of our actions and their consequences for others who are innocent and who want happiness but not suffering, we muster up the strongest determination possible to restrain from pornography and to cultivate better actions based on understanding and compassion.

 

Are we done with right understanding? Hardly. This can be a beginning of a life-long pursuit. There is much more that we need to understand and appreciate in order for us to live correctly. Mental training is important in realizing truths and understanding them. Asking many important questions is a key to wisdom. Socrates said that, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Life is examined by asking questions. A method that I find helpful is to reason my way through issues and problems by writing out questions and thinking about and writing down the possible answers that lead to more questions. Often, a final or definite answer is not necessary. I find that asking the question in itself brings awareness to a previously ignored aspect and a sense of wonder, both of which are beneficial to enlightenment and changing ourselves to live a happy life. Full awareness is enlightenment.

 

To help us eliminate, withstand or control our sexual cravings or our responses to sexual cravings, I think meditation is very helpful. The following are excerpts and paraphrases from the book Buddhism: A Very Short Introduction by Damien Keown. The excerpts explain the usefulness of meditation against cravings. (Note: the paragraphs below are copyrighted by Damien Keown. 1. The materials may be used for informational or educational purposes only. 2. The materials must not be used for commercial purposes. 3. Any copy of the materials or portion thereof must include this copyright notice):

 

There are two kinds of meditation: calming meditation (samatha) and insight meditation (vipasannā). The Buddha developed insight meditation because it provides deep philosophical insight into the nature of things which is needed for complete liberation (from craving and suffering). In calming meditation, intellectual activity subsides at an early stage (to give peace and tranquility). In insight meditation, the object of the exercise is to bring the critical faculties full into play in a detailed reflexive analysis of the meditator’s own state of mind. In practice, the two techniques of calming and insight meditation are normally used back-to-back within the same session: calming may be used to first concentrate the mind and then insight to probe and analyze.

"In insight meditation, the meditator examines every aspect of his subjective experience, breaking this down into four categories: the body and its physical sensations; feelings; mood; and mental patterns and thoughts. A typical session might proceed by extending awareness of the rise and fall of the breath to the rest of the body. Every minor sensation would be noted such as twinges, aches, itches and the impulse to move and scratch. The meditator does not respond to those impulses since the purpose of the exercise is to note with bare attention how bodily sensations arise and subside without reacting to them in the normal semiautomatic way. By learning to observe without becoming involved, the pattern of stimulus-response which underlies much human behavior can be broken. Little by little the realization dawns that one is free to choose how to react in all situations regardless which buttons are pushed. The grip of long-standing habits and compulsions is weakened and replaced with a new sense of freedom. The analysis is gradually extended to the whole body, the intellectual being wielded like a surgeon’s scalpel to dissect the various bodily parts and functions. From this the awareness arises that the body is nothing more than a temporary assemblage of bones, nerves, and tissues, certainly not a worthy object to become infatuated with or excessively attached to."

"Next, attention is directed to whatever feelings arise. Pleasant and unpleasant feelings are noted as they arise and pass away. This sharpens the perception of impermanence and gives rise to the knowledge that even those things which seem most intimate to us – such as our emotions – are transient states which come and go. Next, the subject’s current mood and the constant fluctuations in its overall quality and tone are observed, and finally the stream of thoughts which passes through the mind. The meditator must resist the temptation to lose himself in the daydreams and fantasies which inevitably arise. Instead, he simply observes with detachment as the thoughts and images follow one another, regarding them like clouds passing across a clear blue sky, or bubbles floating to the top of a glass. From this detached observation it gradually becomes clear that one’s conscious mind is but a process like everything else. Most people regard their mental life as their true inner essence (one thinks of Descartes’ famous statement ‘I think therefore I am’), but insight meditation discloses that the stream of consciousness is just one more facet of the complex interaction of the five factors of individuality, and not what one ‘really is’."

"The realization that there is no hidden subject who is the owner of these various sensations, feelings, moods, and ideas, and that all that exists are the experiences themselves, is the transformative insight which triggers enlightenment. The recognition that there is ultimately no subject that ‘has’ desires weakens and finally destroys craving once and for all, making it ‘like a palm tree whose roots have been destroyed, never to grow again’. Experientially, it is as if a great burden has been lifted: the clamourings of the ego, with its vanities, illusions, cravings, and disappointments, are silenced. The result is not some kind of Stoic passivity, for emotion is not suppressed but merely freed from the distorting gravitational pull of the ego. Others begin to come more fully within one’s emotional horizon as the merry-go-round of selfish craving and gratification slows and stops, to be replaced by a deep and lasting sense of peace and contentment."

 

The excerpts and paraphrases above are far from complete descriptions of the practices involved. However, let me tell you how to meditate as I understand it. What you do is you sit in a relatively quiet spot and focus on your breathing. Some people emphasize the particulars of the technique, such as how to sit during meditation, but I never got too hung up on that. The main thing is to sit still and focus your mind on your breathing. Notice when you breathe in and breathe out. Do so deeply and gently. What you notice when you do this is that random, unsolicited thoughts, impulses and desires arise. For example, you get an urge to scratch an itch on your body or you find your thoughts drifting to some personal issue or something or someone that you want. Notice these thoughts and impulses as they arise, but do not hold on to them. Focus your attention again on your breath. The tremendous usefulness of meditation is that the practice allows you to rewire your brain such that in everyday living, when thoughts and impulses arise that you know you should not entertain at the moment, you could let them go just as you have done so during meditation. Also what I found is that after awhile during meditation, thoughts arise that give insights into my conditions and problems.

I encourage you to read the book and learn more about Buddhism because it is not religious in the sense that no belief of faith or worship is required, and its teachings are practical and helpful in daily living.

Remember, meditation or asking questions are practices, not theories. We can all read the above paragraphs and understand them on an intellectual level, but to experience and appreciate the teachings on deeper levels require practice. To quote from the book again, "Meditation is by no means easy to master, since the mind continually throws up distractions... Learning to meditate is a bit like learning to play a musical instrument: it requires determination, commitment, and daily practice."

 

After some understanding of meditation and Buddhist ideas that can help us reduce sexual cravings, there are other shifts of perspective that might be helpful as well.

 

Pornography addiction is characterized by excess and lack of control. If we can keep pornography use to moderate levels and if we gain some control over ourselves, then that would be the end of pornography addiction. Elimination of pornography addiction does not mean that we have to abandon pornography completely. Let us admit the following: naturally, we like sex and beautiful women, we like to fantasize about them, and there is nothing wrong with all that. Why should we deny that we like something when we really like something? We cannot deny that we derived pleasures out of use of pornography. Different people like different things, and we just happen to like pornography. The use of pornography by itself is okay. However, pornography becomes a problem and an addiction when we let our thoughts and emotions get out of control, when we are compelled to use pornography, and when we hurt others and ourselves in the process. The good news is that we can modify our attachment to pornography by mental and physical changes. Of course, monks and priests might say that even lustful thoughts and feelings are wrong, sinful, full of suffering, or illusional in the sense that beauty does not last forever and our attachment to it only hurt ourselves, and they might be correct. However, unless we want to be monks and priests, let us stick with being good men attracted to beautiful women and enjoy that attraction but also be able to control ourselves and to value other aspects of people and life as well beside sexual matters.

That does not mean that we must abstain from pornography forever. That is the other extreme, opposite to out-of-control use of pornography. If we like pornography, then why deny ourselves? A good analogy is eating ice cream. We know ice cream is fattening and bad for us. However, if we like ice cream, then why deny ourselves? Eating ice cream only becomes a problem when we eat tons and tons of it all the time. An ice cream addict might try to abstain from ice cream forever, fearing that even thinking about ice cream would set him or her off. That is like a bomb waiting to go off, to knock us back to old patterns of loss of control. Why do that when we can live moderately? Having ice cream on the odd occasions does not harm anyone, and we are happy about it. Of course, if we can abstain completely from pornography (or ice cream), then that is definitely good for us. Meditation or asking questions and reasoning might help in that endeavor. However, let us learn how to walk before we learn how to run. Let us learn how to go from addiction to moderation first before we learn how to abstain from pornography completely.

Should we eventually aim for complete abstinence at all? Is moderation and controlled use of pornography okay? Complete abstinence is better than moderate use of pornography because no more time is wasted on pornography, and we gain control over our lives and a sense of freedom to pursue better endeavors that we wish we could.

In the beginning, we are not trying to abstain forever. That might be too hard for us at first. Initially, relapse into out-of-control behavior is very likely. If we expect too much too soon, then when we do relapse, we feel very guilty and defeated, and we do not recognize the progress that we have made along the way. We should PLAN for moderate use of pornography at first.

We need some planning. What is one possible plan for moderation? Work weekdays, play weekends. In other words, do work that we should do on weekdays and use pornography on weekends. I am not advocating regular use of pornography. An ideal is to eliminate use of pornography completely, but we learn control first before we can gradually approach a comfortable and complete abstinence. The effect of my suggestion is that on weekdays, we are not so focused on pornography anymore because we plan to save it for the weekend, we are not overwhelmed by the feeling that we have to abstain forever, we are not compelled, and we feel free. What we accomplish here is some freedom to view pornography (on weekends) as well as some discipline (on weekdays). This practice of moderation frees up much time that we can spend on appropriate activities, and our lives become more normal again. What we might find is that once we commit to abstaining on weekdays, we find the freedom from lust that we long for as if we are living in a time before the addiction started. In addition, we might find that if we are able to abstain on weekdays, then we could do so on weekends as well! Not that we need to because we grant ourselves permission to use pornography on weekends. In the mean time, on weekdays, if we feel the urges, then we can deal with it in ways other than using pornography. Fantasize and masturbate all we want, but no pornography on weekdays. This decoupling of pleasures from pornography also helps in eliminating pornography from our lives. We find that we still can have fun without pornography.

Another shift in perspective is that we can try to think like a non-addict and try to figure out why some other men do not like pornography. One reason they might not go for pornography even if they have seen it is because of their opinion of themselves and/or pornography. They might think they are dignified and that they are too good for pornography. Pornography is repulsive in its artificiality, with only the mechanics of sex and the show of pleasures, but it lacks spirit and soul, without intimacy and love. All of it is just an act, a fake show of sex in comparison to real love making with a loved one. Sure, beautiful naked women are arousing, but pornography on a lonely night is just not the same as the warmth of a real embrace or the comforting words of a loved one. Non-addicts know they are good enough to attract girls and they do not need pornography because they believe in themselves. They look down upon dependence on pornography as a weakness. What we like really depends on how we look at it. For example, some people love golf, while others do not. Why would some people dislike golf? Because they see and approach it differently. Sometime ago, I watched a documentary on Carl Fisher, the man who built the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and turned a patch of swampland into Miami Beach. He hated golf because he had poor eyesight. If he hit the golf ball right, it went far and he could not see where the ball went. If he hit the ball not so far, he could see the ball but he did not play well and that is no fun! Anyway, my point is that whether we like pornography or not depends on how we see it.

Some men might not be so interested in sex and sexual pleasures. Some men might see pornography as a waste of time. Everyone knows it is, but we who are hooked on pornography fundamentally see it differently. We really enjoy pornography. How can we shift our focus so that we do not like pornography so much? Let us approach pornography from other angles. Pornography prevent us from going after real girls or developing our own real, existent relationships. It prevents us from learning how to really have fun with our girlfriend or wife, or it prevents us from finding a girlfriend. It prevents us from working out, having other interests, and developing into more attractive and wise men. It prevents us from finding more rewarding activities that are pleasurable and good for the mind and soul. The time spent on pornography could have been spent on getting into better shape, having better health, developing a better mind and other interests, becoming stronger men physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, and so on, things that make life meaningful and that women like in men. Pornography is for those who want things to be easy, who fear change and growth, who deny ourselves of our own unexplored potential and indulge in the fake world when we could lead bold, interesting lives. Pornography is too easy and not challenging enough. Sure, no images of naked women would reject us or our pleasures, but what is the fun in that? Where is the thrill of the chase and conquer of finding and building real relationships? Where is the joy of maintaining a real relationship by exploring deeper into the relationship and gain more sexual discovery and intimacy? Where is the warmth of a real embrace, a shared moment, two lives lived together? Where are the friendship, the jokes, the joys, the laughs, the poetry of love? Why settle for pornography when every one of us is capable of leading more fulfilling, exciting, and interesting lives than sitting in front of the monitor or TV or magazines for hours on end, numbing our spirits, wasting away our minds and bodies?

The real and most desirable women are not necessarily the best looking ones. What kind of social values led to this stupid belief? No, really desirable women are those who really care for us, who hold us tight when we are down and out, who share in our triumphs and defeats, who knows us inside out, who shares or shared her beauty with us when she is or was young, who keeps us warm at night, who provide for our need of being needed, who we get along with really well, and who we would not trade for anyone else in the world, even into old age, sickness and death. Pornography is none of those things. Pornography is all about youth and the physical and what is appealing on the outside, and if that is all that we focus on and love, then our lives are empty indeed of deeper and soulful love, the kind that turns men into heroes, the stuff of legends and fairytales, the happily-ever-afters and till-death-do-us-part’s.

 

Some men do not have problems with pornography because they just do not put as much an emphasis on sex and pleasures as we might. We become what we think about and do most of the time. If we make a habit out of thinking about sex often, then we are bound to be addicted. Become interested in and think about something else, and we are bound to change. How can we make changes and develop other interests? I thought about that, observed what I like and dislike, and came up with the following model.

 

 

Benevolent cycle

Vicious cycle

We like pornography because it is intrinsically interesting and likable to us and we use it. One of the ways out is to like some other activity better than viewing pornography. As outlined above, we can develop that activity by practice. Even if we do not like what we should do at first, practice makes us good at it and helps us to like it and have less aversions to it due to reduction of uncertainty and anxiety. Find new things to do and play. How much or whether or not we like something depends on our experiences with it and our attitudes toward it developed by thinking. We can change future experiences by trying something new and practicing.

We can focus on other things and get out of addiction. We need not be driven by desires and pleasures only. All of us have a conscience, the inner distinction between right and wrong, all of us can learn, and all of us can practice thinking and reasoning, asking questions, to get ourselves out of problems. Be driven by conscience and reason in addition to desires and pleasures. Look for love, truth, justice and wisdom. We could spend our lives on the happiness of living correctly and doing good for the world. We do not need to be slaves to our desires and habits.

 

Physical activity: playing sports or bodybuilding help in lessening our sexual desires. Endorphins are released during exercise, and they help us feel good. We might observe that after playing sports we have little or no sexual desire because we are already high on endorphins. That is like the refractory period after orgasm. Besides helping us feel good and keeping us away from pornography, appropriate and regular exercise keeps us physically healthy. I encourage you to try doing pushups daily because that can be done virtually anywhere anytime, with no special circumstances or equipment required. Start with doing just one pushup each day and increase the number of repetitions gradually. Do sets of repetitions at each session and pause to breathe in between sets. The number of repetitions done in each set can be increased as you get stronger. What I do is I breathe in, do a set of a number of pushups while I breathe out, pause to breathe in, and then do another set. When you are strong enough, at each session, do sets of pushups until you cannot do anymore. Pushing to the limit is the way to build muscles, and you feel good afterwards with heart pounding and you feel your blood and warmth flowing to your shoulders and head. It feels kind of like the afterglow of an orgasm. You also build self-confidence as you begin to see the results of your workouts. You feel good because you can do now what you cannot do before, namely you can do more pushups than before and you feel stronger. This instills the feeling of potential and the belief in your ability to grow and better yourself.

 

How we see and know about ourselves are often false. We were not destined to be pornography addicts the minute we were borne. I realized recently through reading and asking questions that each of us have more potential and possibilities than we ever knew. I always fixed myself into an immutable image of myself, believing that I am this, I am that, and I cannot do this or that. However, how could I know until I really try? Beliefs do not make things true. I can believe that I am unlovable, but that does not mean that no one could find something to love in me or that I cannot become more lovable. I can believe that I am a pornography addict, but that does not mean that something intrinsic in me forces me to be an addict or that I could never change. The truth is that we can always achieve more than what we believe we can achieve, and change is the only constant in life. You do not have to be an addict if you don’t want to be one.

 

The Dalai Lama gave this advice his daily reflections book: "As far as your personal requirements are concerned, the ideal is to have fewer involvements, fewer obligations, and fewer affairs, business or whatever. However, so far as the interest of the larger community is concerned, you must have as many involvements as possible and as many activities as possible." Stop focusing on lust so much and start focusing on others more. Lust leads to cravings and suffering of self, whereas compassion leads to caring about others which leads to actions that benefit everyone. I highly recommend doing volunteer work in your community. I do that now every weekend. When I help others, I focus on them and for that short time I forget about my own problems and suffering, and I feel really good helping others on a spiritual level that is much more rewarding than a guilt-ridden orgasm to pornography.

 

In our battle against lust, we need love, need to know what love is and how it is different from lust and infatuation. I hope the paragraphs below would be helpful in answering that perplexing question of "What is love?" and help in curing pornography addiction as well as to help you find love in your life.

 

Love or infatuation (from an Ann Landers column)

          Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another. Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows - one day at a time.

          Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity.

          You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

          Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by her presence, even when she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want her nearer. But near or far, you know she is yours and you can wait.

          Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing her."

          Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

          Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you will admit it is difficult to be in another's company unless you are sure it will end in intimacy. Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

          Infatuation lacks confidence. When she's away, you wonder if she's cheating. Sometimes you check.

          Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. She feels that trust, and it makes her even more trustworthy.

          Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later, but love never will.

          Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.

 

What is love? (from an Ann Landers column)

          Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

          Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future and it doesn't brood over the past. It's the day-in and day-out chronicle of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and working toward common goals.

          If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.

 

Twelve rules for a happy marriage (from an Ann Landers column)

1. Never both be angry at once.

2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

3. Yield to the wishes of the other as an exercise in self-discipline, if you can't think of a better reason.

4. If you have a choice of making yourself or your mate look good - choose your mate.

5. If you feel you must criticize, do so lovingly.

6. Never bring up a mistake of the past.

7. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.

8. Never let the day end without saying at least one complimentary thing to your life's partner.

9. Never meet without an affectionate welcome.

10. Never go to bed mad.

11. When you've made a mistake, talk it out and ask for forgiveness.

12. Remember, it takes two to make an argument. The one who is wrong is the one who will be doing most of the talking.

 

Sex and cheating

          Would you ever cheat on your girlfriend or wife? Love means loving one's mate more than yourself and being willing to sacrifice yourself for her. What would you do if your mate cheats on you? If your mate apologizes and wants to stay, forgive her and still love her. What would you do if your mate loses all interest in sex? Go to therapy with her, but if that fails, love comes first before sex. For those who really love, sex is the spice, something secondary. Who is most worthy of this kind of love, selfless and forgiving? If you are not married yet, the one who wants to do the same for you is worthy of this love. If you are married, of course your wife is the one most worthy of this love.

 

Love or lust

          Lust and attachment are focused on physical appearance. Love closes its eyes to physical beauty that fades away with time anyway and is focused on who the person is inside, her caring and kindness, her goodness of heart and optimism, and how well you get along together. In relationships, beauty encourages attraction, but it is not everything and one should move beyond the initial sexual attraction as the relationship progresses. For long-term relationships, one needs to focus on who the person is inside because everyone grows old and ugly with age without fail. Learn to think pass appearances and one would be much more rational and calmer inside. When you think about your beloved, do not always think about what she looks like. Think about the good things that she does and the good things that she says. That is love. Lust is focused on sexual attraction, sex and sexual pleasures for oneself. Love is focused on friendship, companionship and being together. Ask yourself if you would love and stay with your beloved even if you can never have sex with her again for some reason. If you choose to stay, then you truly love her. Lust demands reciprocity. Love is being kind, caring, considerate, forgiving and loving WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN. Lust leads to insecurity, jealousy, cravings and suffering. Love is unselfish in ASKING FOR NOTHING IN RETURN and is therefore calm, peaceful and fearless because even if she leaves or cheats, one still forgives and loves her. That is love to the highest degree, the kind of love that everyone can strive for. Once you practice that kind of love, you can love fearlessly and life becomes beautiful. If everyone can love without expecting anything in return, then the world would be so beautiful. Lust looks out for the self first. Love looks out for others first and remembers the good deeds of others. Never marry for the sex and lust because that marriage is doomed to fail. Lust is easily tempted to cheat. Love is not easily tempted to cheat because love is focused on the person inside, is considerate of one's mate's feelings and is not easily swayed by physical attraction. Marry for love because love makes the marriage work and not the other way around.

Pornography is damaging to love because pornography encourages men’s already inborn focus on physical appearance and prevents us from developing our emotional and relational capacity beyond lust.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 of the Bible:

          Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevere. Love never fails.

 

 

The paragraphs below are older material of the web page. They outline some actions that can be taken to eliminate pornography addiction. An important key here is not to only read what this web page or what other web pages offer but to practice and implement whatever we find helpful. In addition, do not only read and learn from others but also think for ourselves and come up with techniques to help others and ourselves.

  

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If we cannot eliminate sources of pornography, then we must be able to deal with our thoughts and behavior. How can we do that? What triggers the acquisition and use of pornography? The withdrawal, the empty feeling, the sense of unease, and lustful craving compel us to pornography. How can we deal with these feelings? That craving and compulsion almost always succeed in forcing us to act out and get porn. We know from experience that the cravings compel us irresistibly. Plain abstinence without refined training and techniques does not work. Even if one can reach abstinence by very hard effort through willpower, relapses can occur easily, and there is much suffering involved in strict self-discipline without right understanding.

 

If unrefined self-discipline and stubborn abstinence do not work, then what is the solution for us? Although we are borne to love sex, through reading, careful observation and thinking, we realize that our natural sex drives are only triggered under some circumstances and not others. We recognize that once the sex drive kicks in, resistance is very difficult. A key to freedom is to prevent our sex drive from being activated in the first place.

 

How can we prevent the activation of our sex drives? Under what circumstances are our sex drives turned off? When we are in public places and engaged in wholesome conversations, we can still be tempted by attractive people around us or by our own thoughts, but decent social activities displace our sex drives, occupy us, and prevent us from acting out. In darkness and in private we go on being addicted. In sunlight and in public we are naturally freed. Being open and being in public is a natural state for social creatures like human beings. In addition, being in public view serves as a deterrent to shameful acts. Therefore, stay in public view as much as possible as a way to fight lust. Open our curtains and doors. Move the computer to a shared place in the house or apartment, or where it can be seen by people outside. Go to bed earlier and leave our curtains open to be greeted by sunlight in the morning and start the day in the light. Engage more in wholesome social activities. Volunteer, volunteer, volunteer! Help others, and there are always people who need help. Most importantly, stay out of the house and away from private places as much as possible. Let us be in full view of others and do good deeds. I know from experience that the more time I spent away from pornography, the easier it gets to stay away from it.

 

In a book that I read, the Dalai Lama compares the mind to the lake. A storm can stir up mud and make the lake opaque. After the storm, the lake returns to its undisturbed state. In the right inner mental state and outer environment, our minds stay clear and clean.

 

Is the cure that simple, to live in the public and in the light? Unfortunately, no. Private occasions are inevitable, and as long as we are not really old yet our hormones and sex drives are still high, waiting to be triggered. Changing our physical and social environments is only the first step towards our cure. Much thinking is required to realize truths, techniques, proper self-restraint and the correct thinking and attitudes that lead us to full recovery. Truths and techniques can be learned from many different sources. I recommend to you some books that have information that I found helpful.

 

These books are based on or about Buddhism, but anyone with any or no religious beliefs can read them because Buddhism is compatible and inclusive to all religions and all secular beliefs. One book is called Buddhism: A Very Short Introduction by Damien Keown, published by Oxford University Press. The book explains among many things how one kind of meditation is used to train self-control of our thoughts and feelings, by focusing on one aspect (i.e. our breathing) and bring our attention back to that aspect when we find our thoughts drifting to other issues. The other book is called Ethics for the New Millennium by His Holiness The Dalai Lama, published by Riverhead Books. The book teaches ethics and how we can restrain from unethical practices. In fact, any book by the Dalai Lama is very good. A third book is called The Book of Wisdom: The Heart of Tibetan Buddhism by Osho. This book explains the sutras taught by Atisha to Tibetans in the past. The sutras are very good for gaining wisdom that leads to a more awared way of life. For example, one idea is that truth does not need to be believed in. Truth is, regardless of what we believe. Beliefs do not make things true. What is true is true. Truth is. Truth is all around us, just as water is all around a fish, but most of the time we do not see the truth, just as the fish does not see that it is surrounded by water because water is all that the fish knows. Truth can be known, can be seen, and belief is not required because we know and see the truth. One does not need to believe that there are clouds in the sky; one can see and know that there are clouds in the sky. To know the truth is to become free.

 

 

"We of the free world can still be slaves to ourselves, enslaved by desires, cravings and attachments, and living in constant conflict between doing what is right and doing what our cravings demand. More freedom is attained when we become more aware of the truth and understand ourselves by learning and asking questions." --Rick Doder

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Help others with their problems and you will get better! Feel free to write to me at [email protected] if you have constructive comments and suggestions. I would also appreciate corrections of any grammatical or spelling errors as well as suggestions on other improvements.

 

Remember, DO NOT put yourself down when you have cravings or give in to them. As long as you do not give up in your fight, sooner or later you will succeed! I am thinking of you and wishing you success in your struggle for freedom.

 

Causes of pornography addiction (updated November 4, 2001): the next page contains updated but old material of this web page. If you would like to know possible causes of pornography addiction, or to read about the consequences of pornography addiction, then visit the next page!

 

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