Exercise Diary
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from
when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it
was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations
with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and athletic-clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get
started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.

Day 1: Started the morning at 6:30 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth
it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.
She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on
the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I
think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
10 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a
little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This
is going to be GREAT!
 
Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made
it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into
the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her
smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
 
Day 3: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth
brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am
certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a
Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was
bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I
did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya
told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine
anything worse.

Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in full
snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late; it took me that long
just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance,
Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's
room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try
the rowing machine. It sank!

Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. If there were any part of
my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it
would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for
you, Tanya: I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for
the damage. YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill
flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or a
social studies teacher?

Day 6: Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where
I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote, so I watched 11
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Day 7: Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next
time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift
certificate for a root canal.