Crash Course on Etiquette

On Driving: When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. Most consider it
unsafe, if not downright stupid...

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite ask
her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially while driving.

On Personal Hygiene: It is best to partake in some form of personal
hygiene.

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should  be
done in private using one's OWN keys.

The same goes with biting and picking one's toenails. And never should
one partake in this personal endeavor at the dinner table.

While Entertaining in Your Home: Do not allow the dog to eat at the
table . .
. no matter how good his manners are.

On Dating: If you go fishing, always offer to bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.

Be aggressive yet polite. Let her know you are interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall
two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

On Attending The Theatre: For the best enjoyment for all, crying babies
should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has
ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

On Wedding Attendance: Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding
gift.

If you are so honored to be the groom, it is best to refrain from
bringing a date.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. It's
just too hard to explain...

Etiiquette for All Occasions: Never take alcohol to a job interview, and
especially don't offer it to the interviewer.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler or bottle to church.

Always try to identify people in your yard before shooting them.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive the U-Haul van in the funeral procession.