What's the definition of mixed emotions?     
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy. 

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....
the other is used to carry groceries.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?      
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?    
You fill it with gas.

What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco. 

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.


What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer. 

What's the weather like in Tahoe? 
Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.

Why is divorce so expensive? 
Because it's worth it.