DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!!
This is a blatant self-insertion. (Mostly because I'm egotistical, but somewhat because that was what the challenge demanded.) Also, it may have spoilers in the anime up the Chuunin exam. If, at any point you don't know who the characters are, click on their underlined names and you will be taken to a handy-dandy catch-up screen. Except for my character (me) because I prefer to remain shrouded in mystery. Or because I'm too lazy to make a page for me. So there
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part One: Wherein Lynnsey Has a Rude Awakening
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Lynnsey, SuperHer, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: Erm, PG? How do I know, this is only the first part!
Spoilers: Later, my pretties...Later.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. If I had, I would have watched episode 42 already. Actually I would have watched them all. In one sitting. With lotsa coffee. Mmmm, coffee and overindulgence of anime.
Dawn came early to the little town, easily overshadowing the velvet darkness from the night before. The streetlights ended their moonlit vigil and winked off for the day.
Birds started singing tribute to the morning and the last of the shadows were soon chased into nothingness. How beautiful the city seemed, bathed in the light of the sunrise. What could be more quaint? What could be more serene? What. . .
". . . IF GOD WAS ONE OF US. JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US. JUST A STRANGER ON THE BUS, TRYING TO MAKE HIS WAY HOOOOOME...."
Normally the mellow lyrics of Jewel were both soothing and relaxing. But this morning my radio alarm was turned up full blast right next to my ear. The flowing words suddenly sounded like God himself was singing to me. And God sounded pissed.
"Mregfsh" I answered, raising my hand as if in supplication before slamming it down on the snooze button. The noise mercifully stopped, but the damage was done. I was awake, or as awake as I got at...
I blinked at the clock...Seven o'clock in the goll-dang morning!?!?
I huddled in my covers and tried to make sense of why in the world I would set my alarm for such a before-noon-time. Nothing came to me, but that was unsurprising. It always takes my brain at least ten minutes to realize that yes...I AM seriously choosing reality over dreamland. The transition seemed particularly hard this morning but with an "allie-oomph" (okay, maybe three or four) I did finally manage to haul myself out of bed.
As I padded down the hallway towards the bathroom, I couldn't shake the feeling that something felt...off. Nothing I could put my finger on, but it was very disconcerting nonetheless. I was still musing over it as I entered the bathroom and reached for my toothbrush. My BLUE toothbrush.
Now, blue is a perfectly acceptable thing for a toothbrush to be. It's a lovely colour, and is normally a very soothing hue. However, my toothbrush is normally purple. The kind of purple that is not blue. Someone had switched my toothbrush with one that belonged to some blue-loving-freak!
Glancing up at the mirror in confusion, I suddenly realized that I wasn't alone in my bathroom. There was a sleepy-faced boy behind me, also staring bemusedly at the mirror. I whirled around to scream at him and saw...
...nothing.
There wasn't anyone behind me. I turned slowly back to the mirror, a terrible thought sneaking through my mind. In the mirror, the boy was still there, with a look of dawning horror on his face. Just as I suspected, the boy wasn't actually behind me in the bathroom. This was mostly due to the fact that there was no me with whom he could be behind.
I started swaying unsteadily on my feet as I leaned shakily in to get a closer look.
Even paralyzed with shock, I recognized him. The blue-black hair was sticking up at all angles, and the usual contemptuous expression was replaced by fear, but he was still obviously someone I knew. I had watched him clash with his teammates, act superior and act like Kami's gift to anime for hours at a time in the last few weeks. The fact that he was usually pixilated didn't seem to make a dent in the fact that he was sitting in my bathroom. His bathroom.
The room started to swim behind me as I realized that I appeared to be inhabiting Uchiha Sasuke's body. In his bathroom. In cartoon form.
Truth be told, I thought I took it pretty well.
"DWAAAAAAAAAAH!"
*thump*
Yep, very well indeed.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Two: Wherein the hits just keep coming
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Stupid Lisa Garbageface, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: Still PG. I think.
Spoilers: Somewhat. If you're familiar with Naruto at all there shouldn't be any.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. If I did, I'd use it to smite my enemies, so I suppose it's just as well.
My head hurt.
I wasn't sure why, or how, but there was a low, throbbing ache high on the back of my neck. It was very annoying. (For the obvious reason and also because it was distracting me from being unconscious.) I did my best to ignore it and return to the blissful state of non-awakeness. Though the actual reason escaped me, I knew it was very important for me to remain knocked out. It had something to do with a toothbrush...or was it a fan? No matter. Despite my head pain, I knew I could float in this gentle darkness for quite some time. Soft music started playing, and I started to truly relax. Sure, there was something bad waiting for me when I awoke, but I could certainly forget about it here. There was nothing that could bring me back from this state until I decided I was ready to go.
I started to hum along with the little tune. It was strange, but it started sounding kind of familiar. The words hovered on the tip of my brain, and I started listening closer. I could almost make out them out...
♪"...If you're fond of Sand Dunes and Salty Air...Quaint little villages here and there..."♪
I was sitting up and plugging my ears before I knew what I was doing. The sudden movement jarred me awake, and the bathroom light pierced my eyes like a kunai through butter. Torn between covering my eyes and ears, I forgot to avoid thinking about what had preceded my fainting spell and it all came flooding back. I groaned. How much pain was I expected to endure in a minute's span? Just in case, I checked the mirror...yep, still Sasuke.
I winced, brushing the thick knot on my head that had started all this trouble in the first place. I must've banged my head on the bathtub when I fainted. So not only was I stuck in the body of a twelve year old boy, but after only minutes in my care he was becoming lumpy. I scowled at my reflection and...*surprise*...it scowled back. Geez, some people you can't even insult.
I could still hear the evil song, so I walked gingerly back to the bedroom. The snooze time must have been up, because the music was blaring at a level that is normally reserved for crappy garage bands. I flicked it off with a little more force than was necessary and sat on the rumpled bed.
Okay. So apparently the laws of nature and physics had been bent.
Bent into a familiar boy shape. I sighed. Between the early morning and the head injury, I was not at my thinking best. Why the heck was I suddenly a character out of a Kishimoto Masashi anime? And not one of my favourite characters either, but the prig who acts like his fan is shoved painfully up his butt half the time? And why did my mouth taste like the aftermath of a Charlie Sheen Party?
Well, luckily I could do something about this last problem. I once again made the journey to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Maybe things would be a little less overwhelming if I could face them with minty-fresh breath.
The door opened with a soft squeak as I once again let myself into the bathroom. And stared. And stared.
I was not alone. For real this time.
There, standing in the mirror, was a delicate figure facing away from me. She was clad in wistful pastels reminiscent of childhood innocence. Midnight black hair tumbled between two fragile baby-blue wings that waved gently in the wind. The wings then attached to a pale pink skirt that swirled around dainty ankles. She was beauty personified.
Hearing me enter, she began to turn. As her profile came in view, I took a step back. My mouth fell open in shock.
"!!!JACKIE CHAN!!!"
"Yes Lynnsey?"
Damn. Minty-ness wasn't going to help me here.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Three: In which there is much ludicrous exposition, and very few things that really matter happen.
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: The True Noir, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: It's a fricken PG! (Whoops, said fricken. Better make that PG-13)
Spoilers: Might be anything up to the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. At least, not in this dimension
I was very proud of myself. I had managed to take the fact that Jackie was hanging around my bathroom dressed as a fairy in stride. Truthfully, I was a little unnerved, but outside I was as cool as a cucumber.
"I suppose you're wondering what's going on?" He asked me kindly.
"Blurgh?" I answered. (Okay, maybe not quite as cool as a cucumber. But considering I wasn't the one dressed up the Glinda-of-the-North on Acid, I refused to be the one to act embarrassed.) Luckily, Jackie spoke desperately confused-Lynnsey.
"I realize that this must be very confusing and upsetting for you, but don't worry, it will all make sense in a few minutes."
"Hemfreag?"
"That's what I'm trying to explain. You see, I am your Fairy-Godsensei."
I started to whimper.
"By some strange and wonderful coincidence," Jackie continued "I am also Uchiha Sasuke's Fairy-Godsensei as well. That is why I have switched yours and Sasuke's bodies today. You see, Sasuke's had a rough time of it lately, and it's not likely to improve any time soon. So I decided he needed a day of fun and relaxation. However, because he seems to have difficulty loosening up here in Konoha, I switched yours and his bodies for the day so he could hang out in Winnipeg. As we speak he's on his way to the Red River Exhibition with your unsuspecting friends. You, on the other hand, will spend the day looking like Sasuke here in Konoha."
"But but but but but...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WALK WITH A PENIS!!!" I wailed.
The room started quavering again, and suddenly there were four concerned Jackies in front of me. Four concerned Jackies in fairy dresses. What did HE have to be concerned about? This made something inside of me start to boil. Sure I was trapped in my...what?...cousin in fairy-law's?...body, and Jackie was explaining why in a get-up that only him and David Foley could pull off, but I was not going to faint again. Plus, this was starting to make a weird kind of sense. Wild-monkey-on-crack-waffles sense, but nothing I couldn't deal with. Plus, maybe it was all a dream. I clung to that possibility like an intelligent viewer to Farscape on the Sci-Fi channel. In that case, it would be best to collect as much information as possible, I reasoned. I sighed and visibly pulled myself together.
"So, how long is this switch for?" I asked, having regained my power of speech with my warped sense of sanity.
"Well," Jackie smiled in relief, then paused, looking at his watch. "The total amount of time it twenty-four hours. However, you have been sleeping for the first seven and a half hours. So really, you just need to hang out here until midnight."
I sighed. Sixteen and a half hours in an animated state instead of riding on the Drop of Fear at the Ex. Of course, my plans often go awry in weird ways, so this wasn't completely a new situation. Once I spent seven hours dancing and singing with my friend Margaret in front of a gas station in Qu�bec because the bus refused to pick us up. Finally the really nice owner reamed out the bus station and made them come and get us at eleven o'clock at night. (I still have the keychain she gave us clipped to my purse.) The world may be a weird place, but nice people make it the kind of weird that's an adventure.
Still, my disappointment must've shown on my face, because Jackie started speaking in an uplifting tone.
"However, I do feel kind of bad that you're going to miss your day of fun. To compensate you, I will give you one super power of your choice. It can be anything...except the ability to always get HBO."
I blinked.
"Well," he explained defensively, "that would cost extra... and in American Dollars!."
The fact that my Godsensei was cheap notwithstanding, this situation was starting to look up. Sure I had weird hair and impossibly huge eyes, but then again so did Elijah Wood, and he seemed to be doing okay. Plus this super-power thing could have definite possibilities. All I had to do was hang out in Sauske's room all day, and the time would pass in a snap.
As if he was reading my mind, Jackie spoke up again.
"Of course, you can't hang around in here all day."
"I can't?" I squeaked, not sure I liked where this was going.
"No, I'm afraid not. In fact, Team Seven has a mission today that you can't miss. Your absence would raise suspicion, which I cannot afford. Also, at the stroke of midnight, you will return to your body, so make sure that you're back here in time."
"And I should be sure to hold onto one of my glass slippers?" I smirked, finally getting into the rhythm of this weird hallucination.
"What? No, that's just silly." Jackie asked, confused."Well, I have to go. Call for me when you decide what you want as your super-power, and I guess I'll see you again at midnight."
"Wait!" I said. I was dying of curiosity and just had to know "Before you go, I have to ask you something. Why are you wearing a pink dress and blue fairy wings?"
"To match my shoes of course." He answered.
I looked down to see him wearing dainty blue mary-jane shoes with delicate pink ribbons.
I blinked. It didn�t make any more sense with moist eyes. And unless I started blinking LSD, it wasn�t liable to any time soon.
�Yeah. Of course.� I agreed then I shut up. Besides, he was right, they did match quite prettily. God help me.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Four: In which Sasuke Sulks.
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Mighty Mouse, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: We'll say PG-13. Juuuuuust in case.
Spoilers: Might be anything up to the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. I did, however, invent electricity. Try and prove I didn't.
Sasuke was a bit unsettled.
To be fair, he had much to be unsettled about. He'd awoken in a strange place with a man dressed in a fairy suit hovering above him. After the resulting skirmish, which he was ashamed to admit, he'd lost horribly, Chan-san had explained what was expected of him today. Which made no sense. At all. And to make matters worse, he had truly horrible hair. Half of it seemed curly, half seemed straight, and it all stuck up in weird places. Plus it seemed to be regarding him with a suspicious gaze. Of course, that was impossible...right?
However, it wasn't his loss in the fight(which he could justify with the fact that he was now trapped in the body of a twenty-something year old girl) or the dislocation (hey, he'd moved around before) or even the horrible hair (he was trying not to think about it, it tended to growl when he did) that had unsettled him. What was really bothering him was that he seemed to be slipping as a ninja.
Chan-San had been quite clear that this girl's friends were not to find out that there had been a body switch. Sasuke had figured this to be a cinch. It was obvious that this girl and her friends were no ninjas, so they would be no match for his intelligence gathering and blending abilities. However, to his complete shock, Carla and Theresa had figured out the situation before they'd even arrived at the park. To make matters worse, he still had no idea what had given him away.
The girls had reluctantly agreed to take him to the Ex anyways with the promise that they would see their friend again at midnight. Of course, the silence on the rest of the ride there had been understandably awkward. The fact that Theresa kept distractedly calling him her sexy strumpet was not helping matters either.
Squeezing himself into the corner of the car in order to edge away from them, Sasuke glumly pulled out his "mission". It looked deceptively simple;
Operation Have Fun Or Else!
1) Go to the Red River Exhibition
2) Go on all the rides.
3) Buy assorted snacks.
4) Win a large stuffed animal.
5) DO NOT use any jutsus. (at all, this means YOU Sasuke!)
Sighing, Sasuke began to brood. He supposed it was too much to hope for that Lynnsey wasn't screwing up things in his life as well. It would probably take weeks to undo the damage. How depressing his life was becoming. Once he was the hidden leaf village's number one rookie ninja. Now he was a charity case for a cross dressing Chinese guy. Next thing you know, Naruto would be...almost as good as him at something.
♪"ARG...ARGGGG...ARGGGGG...ARGGGGGGGGG! We are the Piiiiirates, that don't do anythiiiiing..."♪
The peppy sounds of Reliant K started blaring out of the radio, coming from every speaker.
Sasuke glanced sharply over at Carla. She shrugged.
"I hate these awkward silences." She smiled.
Sasuke put his head in his hands. And now he couldn't even brood in peace. It was going to be a looooong day. Arg.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Five: In which Lynnsey actually starts interacting with the characters of Naruto. Yay!
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Voldemort, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating:Hm, PG-13 for a mild swear or two and references to poopey.
Spoilers: Shouldn't be anything after the start of the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. I also didn't actually invent electricity. I am, however, awesome. Woot.
Arg, it was going to be a long day.
I hadn't even met up with my team-mates yet, but already time had slowed to a crawl. Most of this was due to worry. I didn't know how I should act, what I should say, or whether the multiple bottles of gel that I had used on my hair were a wee bit of overkill.
I whirled around as my team-mates sleepily approached. My hair swung around and pulled the skin of my forehead back into an expression of extreme shock. Okay, maybe the fourth bottle was a little much.
I quickly adjusted the balance of the hair on my head and luckily, neither Naruto nor Sakura seemed to notice.
"Oi, Sasuke!" Naruto called out sleepily, his neon-yellow hair looking much more alert than the rest of him.
"Ohayo, Sasuke-KUN!" Sakura yelled cheerfully, then spoiled the effect with an ear-splitting yawn.
Not sure exactly what to say to them, I settled with a nod and a grunt.
They seemed to take that well, and flopped down beside me as though they expected a long wait. And I'd watched enough of the anime to know that if we were waiting for Kakashi, we'd be waiting a looooong time.
After about three hours of sleepy grumbling about evil-inconsiderate-lazy-bitch-senseis and the superiority of his current favourite kind of ramen, Naruto finally fell silent. For about three seconds.
"N�, do you guys know what the mission is today?" He asked casually.
I grunted a negative as Sakura added her own no.
"Ano, you don't think that the old geezer is still...still angry about last weekend...do you?" Naruto asked even more casually.
Sakura glared and, following her example I grunted my displeasure. This non-verbalness was becoming kinda fun.
Naruto was rapidly edging out of casual and into William Shatner rhythm.
"Because...you know...I...wasn't really expecting him to fall for it...really...you know...it was kinda an accident...sorta..."
Sakura exploded. (Not literally, because it was too early for that, but in the verbal sense.) "Naruto, what the hell were you thinking! The Third Hokage will be pulling noodles out of his underwear for days!!! Of course he's still upset!"
I grunted again, this time in annoyance. A few more breaks in conversation, and I'd be able to give Kirika a run for her money in terms of most ideas expressed in one syllable. Of course, this new wrinkle in our mission made me a little nervous. You could never tell with those old guys, sometimes they held a grudge. It would be just my luck for him to take it out on the team today. And since I was rapidly exhausting my supply of grunts, I thought I'd fall back on a traditional reply of Sasuke's to Naruto.
"Naruto no Baka." I said calmly.
Naruto continued the tradition by going ape-poopey.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT DID YOU SAY SASUKE!!!! I'll kick your ass you blue-loving freak!!!"
Luckily, before the ass kicking could commence, a poof of smoke signaled the arrival of Team 7's Sensei. Of course, I was making an educated guess about the person's identity, since I refused to look at him. The fact that Hatake Kakashi was essentially a cartoon character did not stop me from having a mad mad crush on him. And since Sasuke didn't usually blush and drool in the presence of his sensei (at least, not outside certain yaoi fanfics) I would avoid looking at him until I absolutely had to.
"Yo!" He said cheerfully, ignoring the murderous looks the other two students were aiming his way, "Sorry I'm late, I had to help some sailors remember the words to the Ballad of Bonney Jude."
"LIAR!" Naruto and Sakura screamed out shrilly.
"Hmph" I muttered. For variety. And to distract me from looking at Kakashi. Which might lead to throwing him on the ground and yelling "Let me ravish you, my silver-haired Jounin of the Night!" No one wanted that. Well, actually, I really really did, but even I could see how it might look a teensy bit suspicious. It would be best to wait until I WASN'T in Sasuke's body to start assaulting his teacher.
"Well, at any rate," Kakashi continued, oblivious to the fact that he was seconds away from a good old fashioned shag-down, "we have a C-rank mission today, assigned personally from the Third Hokage."
A cloud passed over the sun, and an ill wind ruffled the grass. Sure, my rock hard hairstyle didn't move an iota, but it still wasn't a good sign.
"For this mission," Kakashi continued after an appropriate pause, "I believe it will be better for me to SHOW you" He glared at Naruto "directly what we have to do instead of explaining it. Follow me."
And he took off like a silver bolt of lightening. (Once again, this was an logical deduction, as I was still avoiding gazing upon his splendor.)
We followed his quick movements for a couple miles. About twenty minutes into the journey, I started to smell something unpleasant. Ten minutes after that I was wishing I had let Naruto punch me in the nose, so I wouldn't have to inhale the stench anymore. I had a sneaking suspicion of what we were approaching, and if it were true, I was going to kill Naruto and my Fairy Godsensei, and not necessarily in that order.
My worst fears were confirmed when we came upon the largest pile of shit I had ever seen in my life. It was a reeking half circle of crap with a radius of at least twenty feet.
"A few days ago, the wife of a very important statesman lost one of her rings in this area." Kakashi started explaining to his dumbfounded students. "It was very valuable to her, and she is determined to get it back. The entire area had been searched systematically over yesterday and today. This area was the last place that had to be searched. Unfortunately, last night the farmer who owns this land began preparing his field for the planting season. He was stopped before he got too far, but he accidently covered almost all of unsearched area with his fertilizer.
"Sensei..." Sakura started to speak, horrified. "You don't mean...?"
"Yes Sakura, I'm afraid I do." Kakashi answered gravely. "We have to hand sift over a ton of Donkey manure."
"Shit." I said, though whether I was voicing my displeasure or correcting Kakashi's vocabulary I wasn't certain. All I did know was that there was going to be a mother of an ass-whooping with Jackie's and Naruto's name on it. And I hoped that some of the noodles that the Hokage was pulling out of his shorts had thorns. Big ones.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Six: In which Sasuke starts to loosen up. He'd better, because HE's not the one digging through a ton of donkey crap
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Harvey the Wonder Hamster, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating:Hm, PG-13 just to keep things the same.
Spoilers: Shouldn't be anything after the start of the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. Or the Naruto Solar system, sun, planet, continent, country, province, village, house, room, chair, or Naruto himself. Because that would necessitate less slacking off than I'm accustomed to.
Sasuke was bored.
This was not an unfamiliar emotion for him. In fact he was bored so often that he had invented a complicated and varied boredom scale. Right now he was "bored enough to consider cross-dressing as Sakura and seeing if he could embarrass Naruto". This level was much more bored than the "Actually speak to Sakura beyond saying urusai or grunting non-commitedly" level, but still several levels above the dreaded "Encourage Naruto to speak" kind of boredom.
This was mostly because of the rides they had been on so far. Because they'd been avoiding the long lines they'd been on all of the less popular rides already. The haunted house had been cheesy, the bumperboats a joke,and the spinning teacup ride had made him more than slightly ill.
Carla and Theresa had noticed his drooping behavior, and decided to cheer him up. After all, sure he had replaced their friend in a sneaky way that apparently defied physics, but they'd never really liked physics anyway. Besides, they were sure that wherever Lynnsey was, she was having a good time.
"Emm, Lynnsey-pod-person?" Theresa asked hesitantly, "you look a little bored, how about we play some games before we tackle the rides again?"
Sasuke grunted non-comittedly. For a second Carla's face filled with confused recognition, but then she shook her head. It couldn't be.
"You see," Theresa said, leading them over to one of the stands, "for this game, the objective is to throw a dart inside that star."
"If you do," Carla continued, "you win a small prize. Win enough times,and you can trade it in for a larger prize. Wanna give it a try?
Sasuke looked at the size of the dart. Then he looked at the size of the target. This didn't seem too hard at all. He mentally superimposed the face of his brother over three of the stars and lifted the dart and started to throw.
"Hold on there, little lady," The vendor interuppted."You're standing way too far back. You get to stand here when you throw."
Sasuke moved up three meters and casually threw all three darts at once. Each thudded in the dead center of a star.
Carla and Theresa looked slightly impressed. The vendor looked terrified.
"I think I like this game." He smirked in a decidedly non-Lynnsey way. He thrust out his hand "Give me three more darts."
The day was beginning to look up.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Seven: In which Lynnsey is found out, and discovers a newfound hatred of Statesmen's wives.
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Shaft, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating:Hm, PG-13 just to keep things the same.
Spoilers: Teensy tiny offhand reference to episode 41 of the anime.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. Which makes me sad.
What had I done to deserve this?
Okay okay, maybe there were a few things. But the majority of the time I do try to be a good person. I never kick puppies, try to help people with their chemistry homework, and felt really really guilty when I realized that I had kept the rented copy of Return of the Killer Tomatoes. (By accident, I swear.)
So, which gods had I pissed off enough that I had to shovel caca all day instead of hanging out with my pals at the Ex?
We'd been at it all day. Naruto had moved to the other side of the mound with Kakashi sometime after the fifth death threat, so we hadn't seen him since we'd started. Sakura, predictably, was hanging out very close to me. When she wasn't grumbling about our task, she was chattering vacantly at me. Normally I'm kinda fond of Sakura, but if she didn't shut up soon I was going to take a page out of Ino's book and Bitchslap no jutsu her! Instead I settled for grunting distractedly whenever she paused in conversation.
So it was a real surprise when she flipped me over and stepped on my head.
"Sakura, what the hell are you doing?" I asked. Actually what came out was "Saku-mph, mph mph mphh mph mphhhhhh?" but I thought the meaning was pretty clear.
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SASUKE-KUN!" She hissed.
Bugger. I was busted.
She let me up just enough to reply, and I spit out a mouthful of (what I prayed was) mud before explaining exactly what had happened to me since I woke up that morning. I went through it quickly, as though it would be more credible that way. After I was done I awaited another mud-wash for my ludicrous story. There was a beat of silence.
"Okay." She replied simply, and let me up.
"Uh, wha?" I answered smartly."You actually believe me? You're not going to turn me in?"
"Well, on the first point; your story, while somewhat...unusual...does explain the discrepancies in your daily behavior today. Also, the panic on your face when you described your encounter with Chan-san was too complete to be a fabrication. On the second point; I feel that you've been punished enough with this mission today. After all, this whole chain of events doesn't seem to be your fault. And since Sasuke-kun will be back tonight at midnight, I don't think reporting you would do any real good."
I smiled at her, relieved that at least one thing seemed to be going my way today. Suddenly Sakura's visage turned dark.
"Plus, if you think you're getting out of this crap shovelling with a simple story of body switching, you've gotta 'nother thing coming buddy!"
"Erm, heh heh heh, I would never think that" I chuckled uneasily, hiding my crossed fingers behind my back. "N�, if I could ask...what exactly gave me away?"
"Well," Sakura started, "first off, the hair was a big tip off. I've lov-...had a crus-...KNOWN Sasuke-kun for years now, and he has never had anything less than perfect, silky, wonderful..." She trailed off for a moment, a happy blank look on her face. "...Er, ahem. Well, today, the hair is a bit..." She paused, searching for a word that wouldn't hurt my feelings "...stiff."
I nodded, and she went on. "The second thing is the disbelieving disgusted look that's been on your face since we started. It's a little more prissy than Sasuke's usual 'I would be done quicker if I wasn't saddled with these morons' expression."
I nodded again. These were good points all.
"But the most obvious thing that gave you away is that I've been prattling away and cozying up to you non-stop all day, getting more and more stupid and vacant, and you haven't told me to shut up even once!"
I stared at Sakura, stunned. "You mean, you've been acting annoying all day on purpose?"
"Let me put it this way," She told me wryly. "I was seconds away from extolling the virtues of my favourite ramen."
I glanced over at her with newfound respect. Sure, Sakura was pretty useless at this point in the anime, and she wouldn't even start becoming less so until halfway through the Chuunin exam. But she was no fool, so maybe there was hope for her yet.
"Wow, I'm impressed!" I told her truthfully.
She frowned. "Ano, could you not say things like that while in Sasuke-kun's body please. It's really weird."
I was about to promise her to do my best, when a fancy stagecoach pulled up beside us. A dapper looking gentleman held open the curtain for a fancy-pants lady, who covered her face in disgust.
"My my, it is quite fragrant out here." She commented.
I did not say what Sakura and I were thinking out loud. I wasn't sure the world was ready for that powerful a curse. Instead I smiled, making sure to show off all the "dirt" in my teeth.
A little disappointed at our lack of reactions, she sniffed and informed us "Well, I just came by to let you know that you don't have to dig anymore. It turns out my ring was in my pocket the whole time." She chuckled merrily, too dense to see the murder in mine and Sakura's eyes. Kakashi came around the bend, non-chalantly holding a firm hand over Naruto's mouth as the orange clad ninja went from pink to fushia to majenta.
"Thank you for coming out of your way to tell us." Kakashi told her politely.
"Hmph, you'd better be!" She told us sternly, and the coach took off. With Kakashi waving serenely behind it.
The rest of us didn't know exactly where to look. At the retreating stagecoach in hopes that it would burst into sulfuric flames, or at Kakashi, who had squandered our opportunity for rich-ass-kicking. While my lust for my current sensei was still as strong as ever, I felt my love for him waver just a tiny bit.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" He asked us expectantly. "We've got to hurry if we're going to set an untraceable trap to dump this crap onto that coach before it gets back to town."
We stared at him disbelievingly for a second, then whooped with joy as we started about our task. My love righted itself and grew three sizes bigger. Sure, I was stuck in another dimension in a twelve year old's body while covered in donkey excretement, but right now, all was right with my world. Boo yeah.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Eight: In which Sasuke starts having fun. Yes, that Sasuke. Predictably, this chapter is really really short.
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: The Ghost of Christmas Past, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating:Hm, PG-13.But don't worry, much less poopey in this chapter.
Spoilers: Nothing after the start of the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. I will explain why in syllogism format; You see, Kishimoto Masashi is the creator of the Naruto universe. I am not Kishimoto Masashi. Therefore, I am not the creator of the Naruto Universe.
Sasuke was having a good time. Seriously.
First of all, he'd won six HUGE stuffed animals with the darts throwing game. Then he'd started winning prizes for admiring spectators. This led to so much good will on their part that him and Lynnsey's friends didn't have to stand in line for the good rides anymore, they were always allowed to go right to the front. In just half an hour they'd been on the drop of fear, the gravitron, the water mountain, and the zipper...then they went on all of them again!
Since they were starting to get a little dizzy, the three of them stopped for some mini-donuts. They were magnificent! They melted in your mouth, and left only a warm taste of cinnamon. Too soon they were over, and Sasuke was still hungry. On a whim, he bought three of something called a sno-cone, and shared them with his current companions. They were also delicious, and Sasuke felt a genuine smile stretch across his face.
"You know," he couldn't help saying. "I'm having a really good time."
That was when it happened.
A group of obviously inebriated jeune-punks staggered into their table, knocking their frozen treats to the floor. "Watch wher' ya goin', you bitches!" One exclaimed, and the other ten laughed drunkenly at his fabulous wit.
Theresa and Carla glared at the idiots, but really, what could they do? There would always be dorks, and sometimes all you could hope for was that they'd be struck by penile cancer in a part of the world where anaesthesia had yet to be discovered. They sighed, and prepared to go somewhere else, when they noticed that Lynnsey was shaking.
"It's okay Lynnsey," they soothed, thinking that she was going to cry. "They're just assholes. We'll get some more Sno-Cones."
Sasuke raised his head, and the other two girls took a step back. Their normally friendly friend's face was filled with raging fury, and her expression was scary to observe.
"No." He said calmly, as though he wasn't wearing his KILL KILL KILL expression. "I think we should make some new ones...out of their BONES!!!"
He sprang forward at the retreating throng, screaming "I am an avenger, and I WILL destroy you for the death of my Sno-Cone!!!!!"
The two girls left behind stared after their retreating friend, then shrugged and followed. The line for the concession stand was too long anyway.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Nine: In which Lynnsey Scars Naruto for life. Hee hee.
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: The Mad Flasher, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: PG-13. I think. Possibly. Maybe.
Spoilers: Nothing after the start of the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. Yet.
My day was looking up.
The trap had gone brilliantly, and the coach would not smell quite the same for weeks. In celebration of a mission well done, Kakashi had taken us to the hot springs. First we had washed off the icky reminder of our efforts in one spring, then moved to a much cleaner one for some much deserved relaxation. Sakura, of course, was in her own private spring, and (wah!) Kakashi left before stripping and joining me and Naruto in our own. Still, it was comfy, and I floated aimlessly in the peaceful silence for my first really relaxed moment all day.
Of course, the peace was just too good to last.
"Ano san, ano san! Sasuke?"
"No, I'm a twenty-one year old girl who's inhabiting Sasuke's body for the day." I said sarcastically, though oddly enough, completely truthfully.
"Very funny." He scowled. Then his expression became a little anxious. "Ano, you were talking to Sakura all day. She's doesn't..hate me...for today, does she?"
I debated torturing him, saying that she had sworn off men and was currently living with a very nice community of squirrels, but something in his expression stopped me. Sure, Naruto was annoying more often than not, but deep down he was a pretty good kid. Truth be told, he'd had almost a harder life than Sasuke's. If Jackie Chan had been his fairy Godsensei, I was sure we would have traded places dozens of times by now.
"No," I admitted. "She's a little peeved right now. But she should be back to her usual charming self in the next day or so. Heck, even I've forgiven you already."
"Oh good." He smiled in relief, and I smiled back.
I don't know why I didn't leave it like that. Maybe there's some lesser demon or imp in my lineage, but there was some evil part of me that couldn't let the situation go.
"In fact," I murmurred huskily, "I find myself becoming more, and more fond of you Naruto."
Naruto's face filled with shock, then disbelief. "WHAT did you SAY!?!"
"Is it such a surprise?" I went on, swimming lazily in his direction. "We've been training together, working together...BEING together since we graduated. Is it so odd that..." I paused for effect, "my feelings have developped?"
Ressembling nothing more than a panicked chipmunk, Naruto dashed from the bath murmuring something about being comrads, and not wanting to ruin that, and anyway we were too different. He might have said more, but about that time he passed out of hearing range. I sat back in the bath that I now had to myself and smirked. Soooo Evil. I ain't lost it yet.
After a few minutes, I got bored, and got into my clean clothes. It was getting late, and, (despite the good way it turned out) I did not want to spend another day stuck in Uchiha Sasuke's body. While crashing through the bush in the approximate direction of his house, I heard splashing sounds in off to the left. Curious, I pushed in that general direction.
After a few minutes, I peaked through the foliage of a large clearing. There was a huge and majestic waterfall in the center, fueled by a picturesque river. At the bottom was Hatake Kakashi. Stripping down to shower.
Of course, there was no biiiiig rush to get back to my body.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Ten: In which Stuff that is not Kakashi stripping happens. *sigh*
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Luke Skywalker, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: See previous parts. Any previous part. Go wild.
Spoilers: Nothing after the start of the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. The other one is fair game.
It took Carla and Theresa a few minutes to catch up with Sasuke, and by that time there wasn't much to catch up with. There was a huge pile of groaning drunken idiots, four crumpled stands and, inexplicably, four different coloured feather boas.
Sensibly ignoring the boas, the two girls rushed up to where Sasuke was absently kicking the leg of the biggest youth. The smirk was back on his face, and when he turned around, there were three more Sno-Cones in his hands.
"Here," he said, handing two of them to the slack jawed girls. "They were out of cherry..." he kicked the oaf again, "but there's still lots of raspberry left."
A bit bemused, the two girls took the frozen treats.
"Arigato...SASUKE-KUN!" Carla said dramatically.
"DUM DUMM DUMMMMM!"
Sasuke and Carla stared at Theresa.
"...I always wanted to say that." She said, blushing.
"Hn. The avenger thing gave me away?" Sasuke asked.
"Yep." Carla answered simply.
"Okay, but I have to know," Sasuke asked, "how did you know I wasn't Lynnsey in the first place?"
"The lack of Wheeeeeeeees while driving." The two deadpanned.
"..."
"Don't ask."
"Very well. Actually guys, would you be able to take me back to Lynnsey's house now? I have to be back by midnight, or else Jackie promised to wear fishnet." Sasuke shuttered. "But before I go back, I just want to say that today has been really fun. You guys are really great, and I'm glad I had this chance to know you."
"No problem," the answered in creepy unison.
"Well, if it means anything, we had a great time too!" Theresa added.
"Yeah, and hey...SNO-CONES! Always awesome." Carla pitched in.
"Well," Sasuke said, looping his arms through those of the two girls. "Shall we go?"
"Lets!" The two girls said happily, then glanced in askance at him.
"Oh, okay!" Sasuke said, once he realized what they were not quite asking.
"One, Two, Three...♪...We're Off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz...♪"
Indeed.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Eleven: In which...Oh, why are you reading this. Go read the story already!
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Batman, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: See previous parts. Maybe PA for stripping and extensive commentary thereof. Depends on how dirty your mind is. You don't wanna know what the rating would be for me.
Spoilers: Nothing after the start of the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. And now, back to the batcave!
I was dreaming. I must have been.
Obviously I had succumbed to dreamland in the spring and fallen asleep. Because there was no way I'd been a good enough person to merit watching Kakashi strip down in front of me.
Of course, when in Rome...
I crouched down lower in the foliage, trying to keep quiet. So far, he hadn't noticed me coming, but you can never be too careful.
He was already naked to the waist, the falling water sluicing over lean shoulders and the sharp planes of his abs. Ducking his head under the waterfall, his hair was dampened to a dark, almost metallic colour. He shook his head, and large droplets of water flew everywhere, catching the light like glittering diamonds. I watched them, mesmerized as they spiraled brightly away into the darkness.
Of course, pretty water was one thing, but frankly it was like watching COPS while a Shakespeare play went on around you. My gaze returned back to Kakashi's figure, disappointed to realize that he had turned away to face directly into the waterfall. He tossed his facemask casually off to the side, and his thumbs hooked in the pockets of his pants and started to pull down. I held my breath...
"Having a good time?" Someone asked right behind me.
I shrieked and whirled around to find...Kakashi?
I glanced back to the waterfall, and saw only a log where Kakashi had been half naked a moment before. Suddenly it clicked. He must've heard me coming, and had used kawarimi no jutsu. *sigh*, I knew it was too good to be true.
"What do you have to say for yourself?" He asked me.
"Can I have that log?" I giggled.
He held my gaze for a moment.
Erm, guess not.
"Sorry." I told him truthfully. (Well, I was sorry he'd caught me!)
"Well," he spoke after an awkward silence. "I suppose it's kind of flattering. Besides, I suppose things will be back to normal after Sasuke gets back in his body."
"Yeah." I agreed. A lot of things would make a lot more sense when this thing was reversed. Hey...wait a minute...
"How did you know?" I asked.
"Well, I am a Jounin, and we are trained to gather and analyze information." He began."Also, the oogling of me while I showered was a bit of a hint." He smiled during this last part, and I blushed.
"Well, Sasuke COULD be exploring his sexuality!" I countered defensively.
"Sasuke could decide he likes ferrets watching him do it with the third hokage in a pink tutu with blue faery wings"
(I shuddered, Kakashi gracefully ignored it).
"But he would still be the same type of person. He would be a little more upfront about his crush, and if there is a god he would never giggle the way you did two minutes ago. Also, I think Naruto�s more his type."
"And now, so does he." I grinned evily.
"Um, could you not do that until you�re back in your own body? It's kind of creepy on Sasuke's face"
"Sure."
"However, the biggest tip off is when I heard you admit it to Sakura."
"..."
What a smartass. I had to have him. But it was sooo late. True, I was having a good (if insanely embarrassing) time, but I had to get back or resign myself to learning to pee standing up. I started to pout, then an perfectly ingenious and somewhat evil idea occured to me. But it involved a chat with my Fairy Godsensei. No time to waste! To the batmobil-er...bathroom. Bat-room? Whatever you wanted to call it, I had to get home. But there was one more thing that I had to do before going.
I reached out and...gave Kakashi a big hug. (Hey, what were you expecting?) Besides, when would I have a chance like this again? He gaped a bit, but then gave me a squeeze in return. That sealed my resolve, and I knew what I was going to do.
"I always knew you'd be a good hugger." I told him shyly, and before I could be furthur distracted (hey, I also didn't know if he was a good grope object!) I turned around and ran back to Sasuke's house.
I had work to do.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Eleven: In which our heroes, main characters, Oh hell, in which Lynnsey and Sasuke finally meet face to face.
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: The Last Scion, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: Well Chuck, I think I'll go with...PG-13!
Spoilers: Nothing after the start of the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. Actually I did. Kukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukuku
We both made it just in time.
Jackie was tapping his feet (clad in fishnet, despite our timely arrival) but we both squeezed into the other's bathrooms just as the highly conveiniant clock struck twelve.
"So," Jackie asked us, smiling beautifically. "How was your day in the other's shoes?"
A myriad of emotions washed over me as I looked back on the day. Anxiety, curiosity, horror, relaxation, *ahem* another emotion, and finally satisfaction. Oddly enough, a similar gamut of emotions were evident in Sasuke's...erm...my...the other person's face. He must have had an interesting day as well.
In the end we both decided to play it cool.
"It was alright."
Jackie smiled knowingly. I had no doubt that he knew exactly what had happened. After all, he was Jackie Chan.
"Alright then." He went on. "To switch back, just walk through the mirror, and all will be as it was."
We followed his orders, stepping trustingly into the mirror and through it. I was half expecting to smack into it, but I passed through it as smoothly as though it was made of water. About halfway through, just after we had passed each other, Sasuke spoke.
"You have some interesting friends."
"What do you mean by that?" I bristled. No one was allowed to make fun of my friends but me.
"Just that�I like them." He said without looking at me.
"Oh, thanks." That was a completely different kettle of fish. "Me too. Your friends are pretty cool too. Maybe you should start telling them that more often."
Both of us smiled, even though neither of us could see the others face. Then that imp popped his head back up and gave his own sendoff.
"Oh, and by the way, Naruto thinks you�re gay."
"WHAAAAA........" The rest of his angry cry was cut off as I passed all the way through the mirror. Hee hee. Sooooo evil.
And I was an evil person back in my own body. Everything was back to normal, or as normal as it got around here.
I looked up and Jackie was still there.
"Is there anything else before I go?" he asked.
I smiled.
Title: A Day in the Life of Your Favourite Anime: Naruto-ed version
Part Eleven: In which everything is wrapped up nicely
Fandom: Naruto
Author name: Love Machine, Graymalkin
Author email: [email protected]
Category: Challenge response, Comedy
Rating: This is the only part that could even be within spitting distance to an R. If you are easily offended, just assume that I asked Jackie Chan for a really sensible toothbrush (but a purple one dammit!). For those of you who know me better...read on. You have been warned.
Spoilers: Nothing after the start of the Chuunin Exam.
Summary:See title
DISCLAIMER: I did not create the Naruto universe. Luckily it doesn't really apply to the following part, since I'm back in my universe. I'm just too lazy to cut out the disclaimer. Disclaim disclaim disclaim (I can't stop myself!)
"...and that's exactly what happened."
It had been two weeks since the whole body swap incident. Unfortunately, I'd been very busy, so I was just now explaining to my friends exactly what had happened during that VERY odd 24 hours. Since they had lived through their own half of the freaky-friday experience, they required very little convincing.
"Erm, Lynnsey-chan, I think you left some things out." Carla said after I'd finally finished."What did you ask Jackie Chan after the whole ordeal was over?"
"Well," I started, wondering exactly how much to tell them. What the hell, they deserved the truth. "I felt kinda bad for oogling Kakashi all day..."
They stared at me in disbelief.
"Well, I wasn't sorry for the oogling." I amended. "But I was sorry that was all I got to do...I SEE THAT LOOK THERESA! I mean, I was sorry that I didn't get to let him know that I wasn't only attracted to his pixelated exterior. I was also very fond of him as a person. I mean, he was loyal, dependable, a kick-ass fighter, funny, AND a good teacher. So I asked Jackie to deliver a note to that effect to him. At the end of the note was a little post-script that invited him to get a cup of coffee with me anytime he had the time, and maybe we could get to know the real usses."
I paused, fairly certain that usses wasn't a word but not really that concerned. "Anyway, he was able to do that because Jackie felt bad at the horrible horrible mission I had to do that day. So to make it up to me, he also made the mirror between our dimensions permeable to everyone in Konoha village and Winnipeg."
"Mmmm Hmmm. Okay." My confused friends said, trying to urge the story forward.
"Well, we got a cup of coffee the next day, and really got to know each other. It went really well, and both of us had a really good time." I smiled. "It was a really nice outing. Then afterwards I got to try out my superpower and it worked swell."
"Superpower?" They asked, surprised.
"Yeah, remember how I was allowed one superpower? Well I never had time to ask Jackie for one during that day, so I get to have one in the real world permanently."
"Wow, that's so cool!" Carla exclaimed.
"Yeah, what is it?" Theresa asked.
I let them stew for a second, imagining super strength, or invisibility, or the ability to get really good Canadian Cable. True, those had all been tempting, but I was much happier with the one I had chosen. I felt my smile stretch from ear to ear.
"Sex."
*blink blink*
"What...?"Theresa started.
"...the hell?" And Carla graciously finished.
"My super power is that I'm really really good at sex. The best that ever was, in fact."
"Arg." My friends slapped their foreheads. You'd think they'd expect this kind of thing from me already.
"And it gets better." I continued. The grin on my face was approaching gigantic proportions. "You know what Kakashi's title is, right?"
Carla groaned again, but Theresa hadn't started watching Naruto yet, so she had to ask. "No...what?"
"He's the copy ninja." Carla explained, her head in her hands. "So he is able to perform any jutsu as well as the person who he's copying off of."
"Oh...OH!" Theresa said as she realized the implications.
"And THAT'S why I haven't seen you guys in two weeks." A very fun two weeks. Whee.
The horror in their faces was making me feel ever-so-slightly guilty, so I decided to take pity on them.
"You guys, I'm just kidding! Gosh, you fell right for it." I assured them."Geeez, what do you take me for?"
"Oh thank the gods!" Carla sighed in relief.
"Yeah, you really had us going for a second there." Theresa smiled.
"Well, you guys know me. Actually, I can't really talk now. I gotta go meet someone."
"Oh, who?" Carla asked, still relieved that I had been kidding.
"Ummm," I stalled.
"Ready to go Lynnsey?" A deep voice asked behind me.
I smirked, then turned around. Behind me was a very familiar figure with quicksilver hair hanging softly around his face.
"Sure thing. Um guys," I couldn't help putting on an innocent face. "This is Ka-...erm, Kevin."
"Domo!" He waved cheerily at them. They're jaws were hanging down somewhere in Australia.
"He's visiting from Japan. Anyhoo, we're late so, um, see you guys later!" And we dashed away before they could ask anymore questions.
...Yep, I still had it.
THE END
