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To forestall any misconceptions as to what this particular page is about, let me explain. In the book I Was a Teenage Fairy by Francesca Lia Block, one of the characters described her crush as a biscuit. In her case, Biscuit meant “way attractive guy.” We have since taken this meaning and made an entire ranking system of it, from Éclairs (a level surpassing that of biscuit) to moldy pieces of sandwich bread. This page is dedicated to those males we deem biscuit-worthy, complete with reasons why. For example, being slightly cute is nice, but add an endearing trait and the guy’s a biscuit. Anyway…enjoy! Christiana’s Top Ten
Biscuits Note: These aren’t necessarily from hottest to nottest. I mean, it started out that way but then it got too hard to rate them all…I recommend the entire list. Also, just because there’s less info on some of these guys doesn’t mean I don’t like them—it just means I don’t know too much about them. Commentary in italics by Evie. 1.
Tony Vincent:
Judas (Broadway), Simon Zealotes (movie) in Jesus
Christ Superstar What’s
not to like? He’s very good-looking
and he’s got an
amazing voice and not afraid to use it to sing tenor. Guys who can but won’t
sing tenor are, in my opinion, wimps. He has a beautifully expressive face... at
least in the pictures. I really need to hear his voice.
2.
Wilson Jermaine
Heredia: Angel in original Broadway cast of Rent Ah,
Wilson…it takes guts to play a drag queen when you’re straight, wearing
either a Santa outfit or a plastic dress. And he got a Tony for it, so that just
goes to show you! He is another biscuit with a beautiful voice—lower range and
in his falsetto. He’s also a spectacular dancer. Here’s what other people
have said about him: “I
told him to jump on a table, because Wilson is always jumping on stuff. I’ve
never seen anyone jump from a standing position without any effort and land on
their feet on a table like he does.” –Marlies Yearby, choreographer for the
OBC of Rent “So
sexy, so good, so it! Dances,
too…” –Bernard Telsey’s casting notes And
stuff he’s said: “One
day we were improvising and I did a spin and jumped up on the table. They liked
that, so the next thing was to get me off the table, and so I jumped. Marlies
said, ‘Can you do that in heels?’ I said, ‘Oh, please.’ I chose the
heels because they were easiest to dance in.” “To
me, winning the Tony means that Wilson the straight boy worked hard to play a
drag queen and was acknowledged for it.” "Anyone
can mimic a drag queen. The work was in finding the soul, letting out the more
female side of me that every male has if they're willing to let go." Nothing
more need be said. Talented, good-looking... well, as I already said,
nothing more need be said.
3.
Glenn Carter:
Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar
(Broadway and movie) I’ve
got to tell everyone—this man has the most phenomenal voice range I’ve
ever heard. He can sing way low—so low it’s almost inaudible—and yet,
when he goes to his falsetto, he can sing higher than I can! His voice also
expresses emotion in such a way that you don’t even need to see him, you
just hear him sing “Gethsemane” and you’re in tears. Plus, he’s
attractive. Evie
says that it’s his teeth that are sexy—that and the slightly large nose. Quite
possibly the most beautiful man in the world besides Daniel Day-Lewis.
4.
Eric Kunze: Jesus in Jesus
Christ Superstar (stage) What
is it with me and guys who play Jesus? Well, I saw this guy live so that was one
draw, and then I looked at pictures of him close up and, well, the rest is as in
that clichéd phrase, history. He has a gorgeous voice (again—I like singers)
and even from the lower gallery, far from the stage, I could read his emotions.
That takes talent. Surprisingly, there are very few good pictures of him online.
This one is from a performance of JCS. He’s in the center in white. Also,
random info I found: Turns out that Eric Kunze, who in April replaced fired Skid
Row rocker Sebastian Bach (creative differences) as Jesus in the touring company
of "Jesus Christ Superstar," has a thriving hot tub dealership in
Orange County. When he's not on Broadway in shows like "Miss Saigon"
and "Les Miserables," that's where you'll find him. Incidentally,
there’s an oceanographer by the same name, as well as a German hockey player. He
looks just like one of my imaginary characters. I love the hair.
5.
Taye Diggs:
Benny in OBC of Rent, Announcer
in Chicago (movie) Have
you seen pictures of this guy up
close? Wow! And even though he played the “bad guy” in Rent,
he still has a pleasing voice and he’s damn fine attractive. Gorgeous
man... What lovely smooth skin. 6.
Johnny Depp:
Edward in Edward Scissorhands,
Gilbert in What’s Eating Gilbert
Grape? (how many title roles??), Jack Sparrow in Pirates
of the Caribbean Ah,
Johnny Depp. If you’ve seen ANY of his movies, you know why he’s on this
list. Heck, he was hot even as a freak of nature with scissors instead of
hands! Also, he’s a fine actor—I loved Pirates
of the Caribbean—as Evie said, “he usually plays the slightly weird
guy with the love interest, but in that one, since he didn’t have a love
interest, he just played the completely weird guy.” But he was great,
wasn’t he? Such
striking looks, such charisma. I loved the eyeliner in Pirates. 7.
Sean Biggerstaff:
Oliver Wood in Sorceror’s Stone,
Chamber of Secrets Okay…he’s
hot AND he’s got a Scottish accent. I love
accents, especially those of the Scottish variety. Plus, he has a sense of
humor. (see the link) http://www.seanbiggerstaff.com/playground/20questionsPart8.asp And
an extra plus, he’ll wear a kilt in public …
My
favorite part is when he says, "Not bad, Potter, you'd make a fair
beater." My friends and I created quite a disturbance when he
came on screen in Chamber of Secrets. I believe I shouted, "I
love you, Oliver Wood!" It was such an exhilarating moment; my
memories are hazy. 8.
Jesse L. Martin: Collins in
OBC of Rent, Detective Green on Law
& Order Jesse
Martin…he has the most soothing voice I’ve ever heard in the world. His
singing, like Glenn Carter’s, can move one to tears. Just listen to him
sing “I’ll Cover You: Reprise” and you’ll find that you can’t help
but get at least a little choked up. His voice is so rich and full…I envy
it greatly. “Jesse
L. Martin is proof that talent and popularity are not mutually exclusive.
When the award-winning stage actor joined the cast of NBC's Law and Order in
its tenth season, the program's already high ratings increased by 40
percent.” Also,
the guy worked in the Moondance Diner with Jonathon Larson, the creator of Rent.
How cool is that? Never
heard of him, but he seems quite attractive.
9.
Billy Boyd: Pippin
in Fellowship of the Ring, Two Towers It’s
the Scottish accent. Definitely. And the fact that, yeah, he’ll wear a
kilt, too. And he has that
little mischievous grin. Very much a biscuit. He
looks really naughty... Hmmmm. 10.
Orlando Bloom: Legolas in FOTR,
TT, Will Turner in Pirates of the
Caribbean Sorry,
the guy’s just gorgeous. As an elf he’s pretty, but I prefer him as a
man. Not that he wasn’t male as an elf, I mean, he was beautiful, but
still. Plus, he used to memorize poetry, so… Also, he’s funny. Stuff
he’s said: “I
got to dress up in funny clothes and run around New Zealand with a bow and
arrow for 18 months, how bad could that be?” “Aged
nine, I had this girlfriend, and we used to have running races in the park
to see who would be her boyfriend for the day. I wanted to be like Superman
and fly in and rescue her. Once I realised Superman was an actor, I thought,
‘That’s for me.’ I got into acting for the women.” “Legolas’s
moves are smooth and elegant, like a cat. You know how cats can jump and
land steadily on their paws? That’s what I’m trying to do. There’s a
strength in that, but it’s very balletic. It’s also bloody hard to do
without falling over!” I
love him with dark hair. I love him with blond hair, too... He'd even be
pretty with red hair... Bill Weasley?
Connect the Biscuit! 10.
Sean Biggerstaff to Eric Kunze: Both can sing. Evie's Top Ten Biscuits For the record, this list originally had Sean
Biggerstaff on it. Well, not originally, but the original list has long
since been lost to all knowledge. What I mean is, the most recent version
had Sean Biggerstaff. Well, not the most recent version, since this
is the most recent version. In any case, since it was the only
overlap, I spent fifteen minutes rearranging the entire bottom half of the list
to make up for it. Not that I mind overlap, it's just that it was the only
one. Except it's not now, because I changed it. Are you following
me? The commentary in italics is
by Christiana. Daniel Day-Lewis is the Ultimate Beautiful Man and
a Real Artist, to boot. If you've seen Gangs of New York, you
know how remarkable his depiction of Bill the Butcher was. However,
let's be honest, Bill the Butcher was not a very attractive
character. If you want to see Daniel Day-Lewis at his most
attractive, check out The Age of Innocence, in which he plays
Newland Archer, who falls in love with one woman and marries her
cousin. Awesome Scorsese-directed adaptation of an awesome Edith
Wharton novel. Most women, of course, probably find Daniel most
attractive shirtless in The Last of the Mohicans, but there is a
particular scene in The Age of Innocence in which the way Daniel's
hair falls on his head makes my heart beat faster. I, personally, am
quite torn. The man is dead sexy any way you slice it. He
should be playing Sirius Black in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of
Azkaban, but he isn't, and I have to get over it. Take
particular note of Daniel's sexy nose. It's just slightly oversized,
and if it were any smaller, he would lose the masculinity of his gorgeous
face.
I
personally prefer Last of the
Mohicans Daniel. But maybe that’s because he says stuff like “I
will find you!” and in response to “How is it that you are heading
west?” he says “Well, we were facin’ to the north and real
sudden-like turned left.” Plus, he speaks another language in that
film. Agree
that he should be playing Sirius Black. I believe I've seen every Ewan McGregor
movie in which he does not appear nude, which is sort of odd, but not
really, since I don't really watch that sort of movie anyway... Ewan is Scottish, and this alone is enough
to warrant his placement on the list. Ewan can, however, sing and
skillfully wield a light saber. To top this off, he's quite a cutie. As a sidenote, Ewan is a former roommate of
fellow Biscuit Jude Law. "It's a great feeling of power to be
naked in front of people. We're happy to watch actual incredible graphic
violence and gore, but as soon as somebody's naked it seems like the public
goes a bit bananas about the whole thing." "I'm doing my bit for the women's
movement. The women have always been naked in movies and now I'm just
desperate to take my clothes off as much as possible." "I've been waiting nearly twenty years
to have my own light saber. Nothing's cooler than being a Jedi Knight."
It’s the light
saber. He makes the prequels worth watching. Jude's a great actor, but mainly he's just
really pretty to look at. He's also British, which is a plus for any
man. "I would never know how to sell myself
as a sex symbol. That's not how I'm programmed." "I've always thought Prince Charming
in Cinderella was the most boring role; I'd rather be the Wicked
Witch."
Mmm. I've found Viggo attractive ever since he
played that scruffy shirt salesman in A Walk on the Moon (a good
movie for those of you who want to see, er, a little bit more of
Viggo). However, since he took the role of the greatest guy ever,
Aragorn, he's really jumped up on my list. Since I found out that he
published a book of poetry before he became famous, is a jazz musician, and
painted his own murals for A Perfect Murder, his spot on the Top Ten
list has been sealed. Basically, he can do everything. He is an
accomplished horseback rider, a good swordsman (Remember that little trick
at the end of Fellowship when he knocked away a knife with his
sword? Viggo actually did that), speaks English, Danish, and Spanish
(hey, for an American, three languages is impressive), and is a
photographer. I gotta love an artsy guy. Now that I
think about it, perhaps he should be even higher on the list... But then, he is American.
[jaw drops at
gorgeousness] He's kind of funny-looking (though not in
an unattractive way...), but mainly he just has a really interesting
voice. I loved him as Elrond, but really became infatuated with him as
Agent Smith. As far as computer viruses go, I wouldn't mind having
that one infect my laptop... Hugo's also interesting because it's
difficult to say exactly where he's from. He was born in Nigeria and
grew up in South Africa, England, and whatnot. He ended up in
Australia, so he is usually identified as an Aussie.
It’s the voice,
definitely. The way he slurs every word together and yet perfectly
enunciates them. “MisterrrAnderson…” Russell Crowe is the very epitome of
sexiness. My infatuation with Maximus was quite an important stage in
my life. Russell is really annoying sometimes because he's just rude,
but I think you'll agree that that's just interesting. Russell's voice is really growly, probably
because of cigarettes, and though this is sexy, I think you'll agree he
should quit. Not pretty per se, but very, very manly. "I'd move to Los Angeles if Australia
and New Zealand were swallowed up by a huge tidal wave, if there was a
bubonic plague in Europe, and if the continent of Africa disappeared from
some Martian attack." "All that stuff, this public persona
of me - let's call him 'the wild man' - that is not helpful. It doesn't make
me more of a box office draw. It's the quality of my work that makes people
want to go to my films."
Never seen a movie
with him, therefore cannot comment. I thought it would be really cute if I had
lots of guys whose names started with "H" on the list, so that was
extra points for Hugh. In any case, this little English cutie didn't
need that many. He's been in plenty of good movies (I particularly
like About A Boy), and somehow or other, he's managed to charm
me. To be quite honest, I'm not sure why, since he's not my usual
type. Aside from his being British.
My personal
favorite film of his (next to About a
Boy) is The Englishman who went
up a Hill and came down a Mountain. Aside from benefiting from the wave of
"H," Hugh Jackman looked very, very good in that tight suit in X-Men
2. He's really manly and really pretty. Also, he sings, so,
props to him.
Never seen any of
his movies but I must say he is
attractive. That slightly long-ish curly hair is just
really, really sexy, but coupled with that masculine Aussie voice... Ooohhhh.
And I am only nineteen, so I had to include one attractive young thang that
isn't too much older than I am. Plus his name starts with an
"H."
Long hair,
Australian accent, and ability to sing. Very good. However, smoking habit a
turn-off. Sean Connery will always
be the sexiest Bond, no matter how old he
is. Plus, he's got an interesting voice. Besides, he's Scottish,
which is automatically, like, ten million points. In the words of my
sister after seeing a preview for Die
Another Day, “He’s no Sean Connery.” No more need be said about
this legend. Liam Neeson is not that old,
but was going to be on the list anyway, and happens to be a bit older than
Tony Blair (see below). Mainly, I just thought Qui-Gon Jinn was an
extremely attractive character, with the long hair and light saber and
all. And he's from Northern Ireland, and that's not far from
Scotland. How could you not
fall in love with him after seeing Les
Miserables, even though they ruined the book? Tony Blair is really rather
ugly compared to, say, Jude Law, but then again, he is the Prime Minister,
and he's quite a good talker. He may be fifty, but he's pretty young
for a world leader. And this little American chick loves British
men... But really, have you seen Prime
Minister's Questions? This is the time when Parliament grills Tony
Blair on his activities as Prime Minister and he attacks them for asking
stupid questions. It's a wonderfully hilarious romp. Catch on
C-SPAN Sunday nights at 8:00. Uh…I’ll
trust Evie on this one. Some
people just don't get it... |
MORE BISCUITS
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(Text by Christiana, commentary in italics by Evie.)
Chris Thile:
He
should have been in my top ten as I’m severely lacking musicians
there, but oh well, here he be, on the website but not in my top ten. Yep…a
musician. He plays mandolin and bouzouki—one of those African sounding
instruments. He writes his own songs and sings them as well. Again, not
afraid to use the falsetto and it comes out just beautifully. Chris
Thile is a member of the band Nickel Creek, an amazing little bluegrass
group where he is the only person who does not have the surname Watkins.
Granted, there are only two other members… The
best picture I found of him is the picture that comes on the front of
his CD…see below.
Ooh, Aragorn reference in the album title... And I love the hair... Musical guys are just sexy.
He
had an album at age 12 and again at age 17. Quite the prodigy, Chris
Thile is. Here, let me let someone else say it. “A
new description of Chris Thile would be hard to come by, especially
since all the good superlatives have already been used. They called him
a child prodigy when he was 12 years old and making his first solo
album, Leading Off, and a virtuoso when he was 20 and putting out his
third solo effort, Not All Who Wander Are Lost. On the heels of those
descriptions came effusive adjectives for his talent with a mandolin,
words like "brilliant," "bold," "utterly
fantastic," and "staggering." Heady stuff for someone who
was barely out of his teens. But to hear Thile's joyful playing, or to
see his fingers fly with easy speed and agility over his mandolin is to
learn firsthand that the enthusiastic praise aimed at the young mandolin
player isn't just hype.” I’ve
seen him in concert, once. That
stuff about his fingers flying is absolutely true. Oh, and for those who
are interesting, he’s 22 and, yes, unfortunately, is married. Here’s another picture for consolation, though.
I really like that shade of blue. I once had a backpack that color, but it was stolen.
Strong Bad:
I’m sorry, he’s just hilarious.
No apology necessary. What a funny name...
Go
to www.homestarruner.com
to check his email responses. Utter hilarity. Here’s a quote: “Do
you don’t not dislike not me?”
And a picture…
That red face is really attractive. Kind of like Darth Maul.
David Afsharirad:
Just a great guy. Had to include him because of this picture.
That's just weird.
Also, he’s a fine musician—he writes songs (such as “Heroin Girl” and “She’s Swell”) as well as playing many others.
Joaquin Phoenix:
Have
you seen him in Signs?
Ever so funny and his lovely little mannerisms and comments…just all
around biscuity… “Well, aside from a six-foot tall Hungarian pole-vaulting woman…”
Have you seen him in Gladiator? I guess not... He is kind of weird, but that's not a bad thing...
What beautiful lighting... Fab photo.
(Text by Evie)
Keanu Reeves:
I just love to make fun of Keanu Reeves, but I also think he's very striking-looking. His height and elegant features are quite aesthetically pleasing onscreen. Sometimes it's fun to watch someone who is just dumb and sexy.
Fun quotes from Keanu:
"I'm a meathead man. You've got smart people, and you've got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb."
"I'm sorry my existence is not very noble or sublime."
"I'm Mickey Mouse. They don't know who's inside the suit."
Mainly, however, Keanu is on the list because of this quote, which I find hilarious on a number of levels:
"What would happen if you melted? You know, you never really hear this talked about much, but spontaneous combustion? It exists!...[people] burn from within...sometimes they'll be in a wooden chair and the chair won't burn, but there'll be nothing left of the person. Except sometimes his teeth. Or the heart. No one speaks about this, but it's for real."
Tobey Maguire:
Tobey is short for Tobias. Isn’t that a lovely name? Anyway. Ever since seeing Pleasantville I’ve thought Tobey was just adorable. He’s so endearing—he’s got this sweetness that just radiates off the screen. I thoroughly enjoyed Cider House Rules and Spider-man, even though in this last he seemed to have grown up a bit. But still, he seemed so unsure around girls and that’s one of the cutest things about him. “Let’s have lunch together some evening.” I recently saw Seabiscuit and was jolted every time he took off his hat. He had red hair in that movie! Also, the polite, sweet, shy Tobey I thought I knew was rude, immoral, and swearing all the time. It was actually kind of a shock! Still, shows his diversity, I guess.
James Franco:
Most
people probably know him from Spider-man,
but me, I became a fan of James when I saw the show Freaks
and Geeks. One of the most clever, well-written comedies of
television that yet remained true to life, and it was canceled, never to
return. I believe I cried when I heard the news. Still, James Franco,
while playing a druggie sex fiend rocker Daniel, was very funny and very
good-looking, and I was happy to see him make a foray into the
mainstream. “When I was a child, I always wanted to be an actor but I had really bad buck teeth…” he says. Well, he hasn’t got those teeth anymore.
Now,
are you really surprised that he was cast as James Dean?
I like him because he really looks like Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafoe is weird.
Mel Gibson:
still married to his wife, devout Catholic, has seven kids, again, all by same wife…very much a family man, plus being extremely attractive. He’s so fatherly…even to the point of chopping people up with axes or locking them in cellars, but still, a classic biscuit.
Good
Goshamighty, he’s still hot!
Sorry folks, he’s just hot. He co-wrote a movie, which is admirable, he was a wonderfully caring lawyer in another film, and he’s just all-around talented. Still, my favorite thing about him is that when he and Ben Affleck were younger, he’d beat up bullies who picked on Ben. Aw. And I love his teeth.
I have a friend with Damon teeth. He's wonderful.
Brad Pitt:
Possibly the hottest man in Hollywood. And he’s been with Jennifer Aniston for a good long while, at least in terms of Rich and Famous Marriages. He’s a very good actor—Spy Game, Ocean’s Eleven, The Mexican…and I’m sure I’m forgetting some, or at least leaving some out. But hey, I haven’t seen all of his movies, so…also, he guest-starred on Friends and that episode had me proverbially rolling on the floor, especially when he said “YAMS!” Ah, lovely guy.
Yeah, Brad Pitt combines exquisitely handsome features with complete masculinity. Yummmmm... He was awesome in Fight Club, too. You forgot that.
Paul McCartney: My personal favorite of the Beatles. He was such a cutie back then…still is now, though he’s just a bit older. He wrote so many songs and has a great singing voice. And he plays piano. I can’t lie to you—if a guy can play the piano that’s a MAJOR turn-on. And he’s still going around singing and all, talking about how each new place he goes he gets a massage, pronouncing it “MASS-age.” And he’s British. What more could you want?
And in his younger days…
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