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| Putting the Damage On by Karen Elizabeth Waters I don�t know how to respond to the words I�ve read, to the words that sting like a bee...like a wasp or hornet. A woman who has saved me, now has ruined me...has turned my friends against me. How should I feel? How should I act? I�ve cried. I�ve torn down all my beloved things that show my respect for you, Tori and for all my other favored loves in life. Now, I�m afraid to even listen to the music that used to heal me when I was so depressed. I�m falling down a hole that I was slowly climbing out of. It�s getting deeper and deeper. I feel like Alice, because as I fall, I see my life as it was or is surround the walls of the tunnel that I�m plummeting down at an increasing speed. My wounds that I scarred my arms with begin throbbed and beg to be opened again. I see the devices I used and they call out to me, but I stare at them with hatred and terror, for all they did was hurt me more than helped. There�s no one left in my life now. No one to talk to. I can�t trust anyone. I wish I could talk to you, Tori. The woman who came to me years ago when I lost my voice. When I lost my teacher who helped me develop the music that made me who I am. My keyboard weeps because it wants me to play it and I don�t want to. I don�t want to sing either or write anymore songs. My companions, the felines I care for like children, the children I can�t have, walk around the house in a daze or maybe confusion because I�m not singing to them. I�m crying instead. What�s happening to me? Am I a failure? I feel like that little girl who�s lost...who was lost so long ago. Who needed friends and thought she found them, but found friends in things like drugs and alcohol when she should have been putting more effort in her education in high school and thinking about a future in music and in college. I feel like the girl who was taken advantage of by violators, just because she thought it was a way of getting love. I feel like the girl who kept losing one thing after another only to discover, she was losing her soul. Why is this happening to me? I didn�t ask for this, did I? They claimed I pushed them away. They said, I�m selfish and mean. Did they push me on purpose just to see how far they could go? Just like when I was little and how the kids used to tease me? Let�s see how far we can go. Let�s see if we can make her cry. They�re right, but, when you�re lost, don�t you have a right to beg for help? Over a year ago, I experienced a scare that I never want to feel ever again. That�s when it all started. Slowly, one by one...they all left me. I secluded myself because of fear. I cried out for help. I became mean when no one listened to my cries. That�s all I do...that�s all I ever do anymore is cry. I�m selfish...because I�ve lost so much and cling onto what I have and beg for more. I�m mean, because there�s a bug inside me that takes control of me, like a possession, an evil spirit and I can�t control it, try as I might, but it controls me. I�m not getting better, I�m getting worse. I thought I was getting better. Then I was betrayed. Oh, they say they still love me, that they�re still my friends. If that�s true, shouldn�t they be here...now, talking to me, not yelling at me, telling me I�m mean? What more can my doctors do, when the options are small? Now I beg for death. Not by my own hands, mind you. I fear there is no hope. All the medicine in the world, all the therapy in the world, and even a trusted musician�s therapy that I love and look up to (hated by all those around me because my love for her is an obsession) is no hope. Think positive. Put a smile on your face. There�s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. There�s a happy end to every story. I�m beginning to doubt all that. My fantasy world is falling down around me. My love for faeries and mermaids just doesn�t seem enough to protect me from the negative thoughts. Did it ever occur to people that I surround myself with these beautiful things to make me feel and think positive? That listening to Tori Amos� music makes me feel positive about myself? About the musician that I am? That I want to be? They�ve destroyed that. And now, I�m packing my things up, just to prove to anyone who enters my place that when you�ve broken my heart and taken my soul away, you might as well pack my things. I may not be moving away to a different home, because I can�t afford to move. But, there will be no pictures to look at on my walls anymore. Just emptiness. Like how I feel now. Thank you everyone for standing by my side when I needed you the most. I just hope that there is a happy ending to this sad story for this little girl who�s lost in this sad world where hope is just a word tossed around like the word �love�. August 1, 2002 2:15pm |
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| The Endless Pain by Karen Elizabeth Waters I thought no one would ever love me. The kind of love that everyone hopes to find someday. I gave myself to too many men, and all I got in return was a depression I couldn�t escape from. �No one will ever love you,� she said. �you�re fat and the only thing a man wants from a girl that�s fat is a fuck!� �I�m ashamed of you. Look at yourself. You�re fat, you�re lazy, you are a nothing!� Night after night, little or no sleep, I wept because no one loved me. I asked a few male friends to go to the prom with me. They all laughed in my face. �I wouldn�t be caught dead in public with you!� I turned to drugs for an escape of my horrible reality. My friends, or who I thought were my friends, used me and put me up to daring tasks. Shoplifting and stealing money from my family, taking strangers to the beer store just so my so-called friends could get drunk! I only did it because I thought they were my true friends. They didn�t laugh at my weight. They didn�t make me feel ugly. They wanted to hang out with me. I drank until I puked. I broke into someone�s house. (they told me it was a friend�s house and we had permission to party there) I tried to kill my mind. I scarred my wrists and arms with scissors and knives. What�s wrong with me? Then he came into my life. He treated me like a queen. I gave him my virginity. I moved in with him before the end of my senior year. One month later, he changed. I wasn�t allowed to have any friends. I couldn�t see my family. I didn�t have a life. Yet, I stayed with him. The hitting began, followed by the raping. I gave in and allowed myself to be used for his sexual pleasure. There was no love. Only punches and such. My 18th birthday came and went. That�s when he almost killed me. We were swimming. He held me under the water. All I remember was everything turning black. When I came to, it was his friend that saved me. I still didn�t leave him. When I finally came to my senses, I moved back to the place I tried to run from. My parents home. They didn�t believe the horror I went through. They claimed I was lying just to get attention. Soon after returning home, that�s when the health problems began. Just another nail in my coffin, I thought. Why couldn�t I just die and get it over with? Five years after him, another man came along and showed me a different world. I fell hard for him. He didn�t hit me...he didn�t force himself on me. He was perfect! But he didn�t want me like the way I wanted him. He ended it with me the night before Christmas Eve. When would this misery end? Months later, HE, the thief, the liar, the user, the cheater, came into my life. Being desperate for love and affection, I answered a personals ad from a local personals column. That�s how I met HIM. HE told me �I love you!� one night, after making love. Or what I thought was making love. I cried. I thought HE was telling me the truth. Things went too fast! I wanted to escape from the clutches of rules and regulations from my parents. Once again, I packed up my things and moved in with another man. That�s when my things started to go missing. A cd here, a Nintendo game there, a movie here, and my favorite crystal ball ring. Even my brand new Egyptian ouija board disapeared. He used my car behind my back. Crashed my car with my sister and Grandmother in it. The straw that broke the camels back, was me returning home from work to find a house full of drunks lying on the floor, food everywhere with ants crawling all over it. No sleep...I cleaned up everything! I screamed at the drunks to get out of my fucking house! That night, a night I�ll never forget, he returned from HER house (some chick he met one day while living with me) with sucker bites all over HIS neck. I had been in the hospital all day long. HE wasn�t the one who took me...HE didn�t stay by my side. I told HIM to get out of my life! I was tired of supporting HIS lazy ass. (HE never worked and HE never tried looking for work) The pain from my health and the pain from HIM drove me to the point of insanity. Especially when HE told me HE fucked that Goth whore Courtney Love wanna-be on MY bed. The story continues, but I�ve said enough for now. My life is better. Better because I did it by myself! I broke free from the chains of misery. It was you, Tori who began the therapy. You rescued me from myself. You saved me from ending it all. I love you! |