| Tuesday, November 30th, 1999
0741 Godsmack Godsmack ahhhhh....OK, I admit it. I have committed a cardinal sin this morning...no not That sin...jeesh you and yer one track mindz ;) I dropped a dash of milk in my coffee. I know I know...I'm going to hell. Long as I can stealth the Devil's Orchaestra though, I should be OK... (sorry, inside joke) Something I neglected to mention last night...when I went
to pick up my ticket for tonight's gala, LT Womack (XO) had to peek at
my uniform before filling out some form...1SG saw and chided her...
XO: "I wasn't checking that, I was checking his rank. I thought you were a Specialist." 1SG: "You should be a Specialist" this was said
with a bit of...I dunno, annoyance/? perhaps?
It leaves me to wonder if they're having problems with SSG Wade's recommendation for promotion...or if they're not and just foreshadowing it for me. Friday is payroll activities and class A inspection. I'm missing it for class (for the second month in a row). I wonder if they wanted to promote me Friday but can't becasue of class--hence the talk...1SG did ask me if I was going to be in class all week... grrrr....kind of maddening. SPC Brown told me to get my mail outta the dang box this
morning at accountability formation--apparently she had a lot of stuff
yesterday and didn't get the mail out until later than normal (explaining
why I thought I had no mail yesterday). SO i just went and got it
a little bit ago...Wahoo! My memory chip came in! so now I'm running
a total of 192 MB of Ram :)
MXPX Let it Happen Also got another MXPX CD in from CDnow. Talked with my parents for a bit last night. Everyone
is excited about me being home for christmas. I teased my cousin
Carol that damnit, I was coming from 2500 some odd miels away so she didn't
have any excuses for not being there for the family get together...so I
guess she mentioned that to my parents and promised she would be there.
Heh
Ordered a, *cough* plastic *cough* *cough* humidor last night...I'm too poor to afford a "real" one...
1648 So here I sit, anticipating the 525 MI holiday gala/ball/bash/party/what-have-you...freshhair
cut/shower/shave, enjoying a
and lamenting. My promotion isn't going through. the Unit doesn't have a waiver authorized for my time in service...it's twelve months required time in grade (as a PFC) and twenty six months time in service...Since I came in as a PFC, the time in grade is no problem...but I need a waiver to be promoted before I hit the 26 months time in service. *sigh* I was so SURE I was going to get a waiver...but
if the unit isn't authorized one by higher command, that's that.
SSG Wade told me at accountability formation to come in after class...so
he could tell me that. I guess it's at least better to know.
still sucks.
There is, however, a consolation prize...December 18th there is a holiday SPJP planned and HD 525 MI is manifested for four parachutes. It's a toys for tots benefit...benefit because the jumpmasters are foreign soldiers...which means everyone who goes on the jump earns foreign jump wings (another badge to put on the Class A uniform and promotion points). I don't know if it would be correct to call such rare...but I know it is not at *all* common to earn them...sort of a prestigious award really. For my dedication to the unit, oustanding moral, and motivation to further myself, the unit, and my profession, I've been put on that manifest... So instead of getting my Spec 4, I am getting foreing jump wings. It *is* some consolation in that...what with all the horror stories I've seen and heard about people injured in jumps, people with bad knees, ankles, and backs from jumping too much, and all that what have you prep time for a jump...I really don't know if I'll stay on jump status for my entire military carreer (short as it may be)...so this is to be without a doubt my only chance to earn such an award. I have no idea what nationality the jumpmaster will be, but it doesn't really matter. In any case, I understand the tone in the 1SG's voice now...it was one of annoyance. I don't blame my command--I know they *want* to promote me....they simply can't according to regulation. So no promotion, but foreign jump wings...fair trade?
Only time will tell I guess. I'm bummed out for sure...who knows
*when* the hell I'll get my Spec 4 *now*...may just be another whole year
knowing my luck.
hell, with my luck...I was surprised that memory I paid
$175 for was actually compatible, i honestly was.
Godsmack Godsmack OK so there was *no* buffet dinner...just or'deourves (sp?) and not enough to go around at that...I got some of the "dinner", a glass of merlot, (which, at, $2.50 didn't really surprise me much...) and hung about with Rich and Summer for a bit while the raffle was called (I was *one* ticket away from winning *something*) oh well. After about an hour, I left. I felt out of place in that place--weren't any ppl i knew well enough to hang out with the whole time, and I have a problem with hanging around the senior enlisted...for one thing it's technically aginst regulation to do so even if I am "mature" enough to do such...for another thing, I don't them too all too well. SPC Smalls and another cute single friend of hers was there, and I ran into Tracy on my way out...but I still left. Missing my promotion makes me want to be alone and fucked up tonight... Beal got back just as I got home and he wanted to go,
so I gave him a ride (DD ride home I assume) in exchange for about half
a pack of newports--he was gonna give gas money (for a three mile roundtrip!
so i just asked for cigarettes--i was expecting two or three...).
in a way, I wish I'd stayed...would have been a good opportunity to be with Tracy, or at least meet Smalls friend...i just wasn't in the right state of mind I think... Dickel and I...we understand one another. Don Tomas is a crutch as well... and hey, music I really like...can't go wrong... anyways...i'll probably moan about beign single later tonight when I'm too drunk to restrain myself...yet I refuse every good opportunity it seems...coward. "Do like I told, stay away from me, never misunderstand me! Keep away from me!" Godsmack Rich is alwasy pointing out these cute women...By now I wonder if he thinks I have problems because he's never seen me pursueing any of them...I *do* have problems... Right now, Rich is my best friend and i don't feel comfortable confiding in him...so I'm basically shit out of luck. My lonliness is oft times my own doing...of this I am fully aware, despite my whining about it. I'm down to about two fifths left of this bottle of whickey...any
guesses as too how much I stare at in the morning with a headache, thinking
"why you dumb bastard?"
I was given the greatest compliemtn by Summer this evening...she was talking about how Rich is such the "typical man" referencing the sterotype of a car loving, motor bike loving, woman chasing in his past etc etc kind of man...and she then said I was such the "atypical man" meaning...everything I think she meant that I'm proud of. I'm worried about her really. Rich leaves for a one year stint in Korea in February and she doesn't really have too many friends...at least from what I've seen. This makes me worried about myself cuz I've grown to like her...not in the "like like" way...but I'm afraid...when she compliments me like she has tonight and seems irritated with her husband like she does...a man who is a good friend of mine now...I worry I may hurt myself by eventually seeing something that, there or not, can only hurt the both of us irrevocably...me probably more I'd hafta think due to my neurosis regarding women. Last night I had about two thirds the whisky I've had so far...getting out of bed on 4.5 hours sleep was hard this morning. Thank be jeezies I don't hafta get up till about 0800 tomorrow. In a large way, I'd like to go back to the party right now and hang out with Tracy...but I've had too much to drink to consider driving... really I just want a person to comfort me right now.
I need someone to understand me and appreciate my needs and work around
my neurosis. I need a woman capable of pushing past my "exterior
interior" and pulling that heart of gold into a real and meaningful relationship...I
used to think it would just *happen* and she'd just fall into my lap...but
it's near drunken states like these where I question such thinking...
in a way, these last few musing are for myself alone. I'm glad I already swent out the notification, thinking I was done writing for the evening. Sometimes I *don't* want everyone to know these thoughts...sometimes I want these thigns just for myself. Sometimes, on the other hand, I want one of "her" to find these thoughts and feel an overwhelming desire to help me, to be my love, to make me a complete and functional person...lately I've been having those thougths of being loely for all my life...it has changed from being alone to being lonely because it scares me more than it ever ever ever did... I'm 24 years old, a virgin, and I haven't been in a position to love anyone for several years because of myself. I finally emailed back Joe after over a month...tell me
this wasn't a fucked up way of doing it someone please, I fucking god damn
triple god fucking damn dare you too...
i sure took my own sweat time replying to this one, didn't I? takes realizing I never did, a whole lot of alcohol and a lonely life to make me type back...my apologies. double apologies...unless you want me to seem like I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on you...delete this fucking email before it's too late! I *reallY* fucking mean that too! I too am single. my life has been a fucked up succession
as far as love
you know I was falling for her when you and she were hesitantly
at each
what made it hard for me was because I was trying to *make*
myself fall for
and then we went to the same college and she had that
accident with her
and you know Rachelle eventually went to the same college
too and I had had
oh god highschool, you, april, nish, rachelle...I think
fucked me up for
you know I'm still a virgin? haven't been able to
meet or stay with a woman
and then not more than a couple months ago now I realized
I loved a friend
and I won't even BEGIN with what happend with Rebecca
but suffice to say it
four years to get my head together and figure out how
to have a real
in college pot was a huge crutch, coupled with alcohol.
now I have huge
if I was you...fuck I have no idea how I'd respond...not
even the slightest
shit I could not even imagine getting such an email from someone... i am beginning to honestly think I need counseling. This journal *obviously* isn't helping me. Every time I drink a sufficient amount these thoughts surface and I seem to lash out at whatever I can... first priority is finishing my class this week...then I'm printing this out--hell, i'm gonna pint it now, then taking it to the chaplain... so i wonder how many people on the list check this late
or crusie by at random...my apologies....one bright site...i am
i still have hope I'll get through this and fall in viable love... anyone beside me seem to get a pumpkin aftertaste to whiskey
and coke?
my life = FLOCCINOCIHILIPILIPHICATION!!!!!
|