Tuesday, July 13th, 1999

1430

I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s just today, maybe I’m not in the mood…maybe I just haven’t found the right one or ones…I went online today at work looking for online journals to get into…been workign like a dog all morning getting these chapter packets together.  Finally, it seems like an eternity, but two of the 14-12c (serious misconduct –drug offenses in this case) are to be reviewed and signed today hopefully.  The two pregnancy chapters over at 319th are being reviewed and hopefully signed today.  There’s another chapter to be started, the Colonel is going to override the Company Commanders desire to retain the soldier and begin the chapter proceedings himself… this is the fourth soldier of the four soldier group—all involved in the same incident, but this soldier was in a different company than the other three.

But I've digressed here.  My point is how pompous and self inflated journal writing seems at times.  Right now, there are 754 journals listed on open pages.  How can anyone conceivably go through them to find mine and say “oh hey, wait, here is something different, something original, something more interesting to me than the others…”  I have here one of essentially the nameless, faceless journasl that comprise the vast majority of those 754—the ones that get a few random hits on occasion and maybe a few loyal readers…everyone I know that is reading now I usually converse with on ICQ regularly anyways, so what is the point sometimes, you know?  Pontification for the sake of pontification really—especially now that things seem to be running smoothly in my life…of course there is this recent development—I forgot to pay my credit card bill and now they’re mad at me and my bank account somehow went negative…which is very strange because the last check I wrote was for my mother and it should have cleared long b4 my trip to NYC…where my account balance was positive couple hundred something…But I shall be receiving pay tomorrow so all should be OK.

See, it’s little frickin things like that is all too make excitement.  Being in the army don’t make me so different as to make every entry write itself.  I still make my life and decisions.  Yeah sure, I wear camoflague clothing everyday, and techincally, I’m able to deploy within 18 hours to anywhere in the world…

That’s one more thing about moving to 319th,  the chance of actually *being * deployed is a lot greater, but still small in my case.   Legal issues like court martials and chapters need to be brough back home here anyway…about all I’d be good for out in the field except in rare cases are article 15s other minor things.

Just spent the last four hours with Dan while he did the paperwork on his "new" 94 Eclipse...Not a bad car, but i personally think he got jacked on the price...I told him as much but he went ahead with it anyway.  We went out to Monteray's afterwards-on him...My god but we were both famished by that time...The "California Burrito" was really good, but it had nothing on a burrito from Hey Juan!, that little hole in the wall, quite nearly literaaly a hole in the wall, back in Arcata...

Got an email from Sarah Lynn McAdam the other day...surprised me quite a bit--quite pleasantly actually.  I hadn't really expected to get through to her old school address, particually since she now confirmed that she was done with school...Up in PA with her boyfriend, number crunching for now...

Once again tonight I dwelled upon my bachelordome...for years it was just a thing, nothing major...but now.  In a couple weeks I'll be 24.  Life is rolling about on me and things don't look to change as far as that goes.  I never imagined myself being married and I wonder if that has become a self full filling prophecy...I guess by now I've become accustomed to seeing friends get married, have children, become productive members of society, setlle down, etc...Dan dropped the bomb about he and Katie...just talk at least for now, but i don't think this one is gonna burn out...At least they've the sense to set the date way beyond so she can finish school and he can ETS...

After seeing New York the hurt of the situation intensified...travelling just doesn't hold the thrill it used to have, the wonder.  Those dreams of seeing the world seem less important to me now.  Not to say I want to nix plans on Europe, London, Paris, maybe Moscow, etc, but the vitalness of those trips are dimming.  These dreams were some of the saving graces being alone had to offer...to travel unhindered by anyone of anything, plans or reservations of the road ahead.  But I can't even picture a hand on mine right now--can't even conceive the face...Still waiting for mrs. right to make that first move, cuz lord knows every women I've met have been other than what I saw or turned away for whatever reasons of their own...and I've discredited nor blamed any of them...

So i picture the future where none of my friends are single and they all have children...what am I to do except keep even further to myself, make my own entertainment, my sories...what companionship will I have, unaccompanied by the occasional, "i gotta check on the kids", or "i gotta take the kids to daycare" or whatever...even wives--a wife needs time with her soul-mate and with my limited circle of friends, how many others will I have to turn to...how of those I can turn to will be scattered elsewhere.  I think it was Jen a few nights ago who commented on all the friends I have or have had.  I never really saw it until she said that and I started thinking...yet they are all elsewhere, and no further accessable than through a phone line somehow...

Angle Soto told me back when I was a scant 16 that the only thing in life that changed was the people--the stars, the sky, the cities, everything stayed the same except for the people and their actions. He was a wise man and I learned a lot of lessons in life from him.  These words from him I've held to heart but never really believed until I got here in the military and had that chance to see a couple places...In fact, to go even further, a lot of times the people are the same as well.  I have only myself right now to make life worthwhile.  I'm not waxing depressive here, don't worry, just contemplative.  At the same time being exclusionary, my solitude prepares me for years of non-companionship...