02.07.99 -- Cry for Him
Class tommorrow -- Boot shine & BK & Gameboy / more CD's today...
More sympathy for the Devil Kennedy...His brief life story of a young(19) mother on drugs -- raised by grandparents and sexually abused by his uncle -- his grandfather that left @ 7 years, his knowledge of his real mom at 12, his lock downed life at his grandparents. His bust out in HS and punkish years -- College and meeting his mother again -- his gf that just lost him, etc., etc., Despite it -- his belief that ultimately all leads to the glory of God... so much more a marvel his belief in God through all that -- or perhaps he is one that *needs* the faith as an anchor, as an explanation on a subconscious level to keep him sane & non-suicidal. The man's goal, self-stated, is perfection...I can't help but feel faith itself is a flaw...but I am not one to judge...
Never did photocopy that letter to Christa -- it's pages & pages on what I realize CA means to me -- SF & it's clubs, bridge, views, Arcata & friends & redwoods -- the ocean, the sparkle in my mother's eyes & the click in her step when I'm near...The realization that, so far, I've found nothing I have come in search of -- no self-identity or purpose or new home, no love or peace or self-sustaining joy. I have seen beauty, I have met friends, and I have documented it all -- even when it seemed trifling or worthless; I wrote it down -- still removed from reality here on base -- still hard to accept fact of where I am, what I'm doing, and what I have changed into.
Kennedy reawakened a bit of zaniness gone suppressed through
BCT, yet now life threatens him and myself both through it...I can do nothing
but cry for him.