02.06.99 -- A friend's Pain
Jump Boots -- Airborne Teddy Bears, BK, CD's & Beer/Bowling...oh what a day. Kennedy is hurting. His girlfriend of 3.5 years is gone -- replaced by a 25-year-old law student. Jan 12th he says, they decided on a time alone, apart, to contemplate...and now he's been replaced. The pain shows, in his walk, his talk, his eyes, his tears. My strong friend is reduced to a child by this. So many things made tonight bad -- this pass & it's near "real life" allowances showed him again what joining the military to start a family on gave up -- he was a talented performer on the acting/musical stage, and turned down an offer leading to great things in order to enlist...and now that decision is tearing him apart...
In many ways, I relate to him -- his life so desired yet left behind -- his search for a family and the love I daily dream of -- constantly wishing on fallen stars for -- now disintegrating on a phone call. So many things go wrong in life -- so many of us here are here because of crumpled dreams -- by our doing or others. I wrote it in BCT -- all of us have our stories -- some unique, some cliche as all hell.
I consoled him for a few moments -- sympathized and empathized w/ him -- told him that sometimes life simply does that -- paths meet avalanches and don't reopen -- friends are met and lost constantly. I even told him his god and his faith is there for him, even if my belief is not there. I think maybe I helped a little, I don't know.
We all have our pain and our fears. Kennedy has shared
both w/ me. That burning question -- "Who am I", deep down, past all the
bullshit of morality and intelligence -- who I was meant to be or what
I was meant to do. He's afraid because he doesn't know -- just like myself.
He enlisted to begin a base for a family, forgoing a production Co. internship.
He's back asleep now, having conversed on this early Sunday Morn (FG, 0039)
for about 1/2 hour. I can identify with him. I only wish O had more answers
and more advice on how live through it all. For me, I still don't know
other than duty to my family what kept me alive this time last year when
I was suicidal. One full year since then, and I find myself questioning
to find my niche, and myself, where I can live out my year and perhaps
enjoy worthwhile times, a life holding interest, vareity, and love. A year
ago, life bored me so much I wanted to end it. In fact, I felt as if I
simply failed and it was time to go. I was a nihilist. Nothing made me
happy or sad.