So far: Our party has escaped from many dangers: Nynaeve and Faile, the F-Team, Balthamel, the mad Aielman, musical WOT world, teen bands, and of course, Jessica Fletcher. Currently, they all sit around a campfire, talking except for Rand who sleeps. A new day is dawning, and it's time to stop running, and start drinking..

Thom: And of course, I learnt that method of whittling from the Hellarwee tribe.
Perrin: The who?
Thom: No, the Hellarwee tribe.
Rand: CRRRGGGGNNNN
Perrin: Yeah, I meant "who are they?" These.... Hellarwee's.
Thom: Well, in the high grass that grows out on the plains, there lives a tribe of midget people. Every now and then, if you're lucky, you get to see one leap up out of the grass for a moment. That's where they get their name.
Perrin: (frowning) I don't understand...
Rand: (gurgle) NNNGGGGG (snort) ( whistle )
Thom: Well, the midgets, they leap up out of the grass and shout "Where the hell are we?"

[Lan and Mat turn away from the fire, trying to hide a grin. Rand starts mutter in his sleep]

Rand: NNNNGGGGMMMFFF no Ilyena i didn't mean it (mumble) NNGGGFF
Mat: Will someone please poke Rand.
Selene: I'll do it Matrim. I just luuurve to give people a good poking.
Mat: (snicker)
Lan: I knew a young man up at Fal Dara who suffered from terrible snoring. They tried every remedy they knew to stop his snoring. Herb-women from far and wide plied him with foul concoctions, all to no avail. They even tried a witch doctor!
Perrin: Witch Doctor?
Lan: I don't know, I didn't ask his name!

[All laugh, except Perrin, for whom the realisation that he is the fall guy for all the jokes in this episode, has suddenly occured]

Rand: NNNNNNNGGGGMMMFFF no Elayne, not the big rubber one, no MMMPPPFFNNNGGGG
Lan: Anyway, one day an Aes Sedai was passing through, and they begged her to see if she could do something for him.
Mat: (who loves a good story) What happened?
Lan: Well, she wove threads of water, and moistened his throat.
Selene: I like a nice, moist throat...
Perrin: And it worked?
Lan: No. So, she wove threads of air, and cleared out his sinuses with them. Mat: And that worked?
Lan: No. She tried several more flows, in different combinations and none of them worked.
Perrrin and Mat: SO WHAT HAPPENED?
Lan: (shrugs) Dunno. I think he's probably still snoring.
Perrin: That's it? You don't KNOW?
Mat: Bloody ashes! What kind of story is that?
Lan: (shrugs) You want a story, go ask Thom.
Rand: NNNGGGGMMMFFF yes Lanfear yes do it with the electric wires yes MMMPPPPGGGGFFFNN (snort)
Mat: (leans close to Rand's ear and whispers) Rand.... Rand.. (shouts) RAND, YOU SON OF A RABID GOAT, WAKE UP!
Rand: NNGGG.... WHA....what... who... Mat? What's a matter?
Mat: You were snoring.
Rand: Was I? I'm so glad you woke me! I was having a terrible dream. I was at the mercy of all these women, and they were angry with me, and they could all channel, except one, but she was good with a knife, and.....
Thom: You sure it was your dream? Sounds like one of Darkhound's.

[They all laugh, and Darkhound ponders the wisdom of writing a story where the characters mock the author]

Meanwhile, at a farm in Caemlyn......

Taim: Right, you despicable rabble, line up, and shut up.
[an assortment of men, all shapes and sizes, form a ragged line in front of Taim]
Taim: Well, I have never seen such a pathetic display in my life. (approaches one man) Where you from boy?
Boy: Murandy, sir.
Taim: Murandy? Only two things come from Murandy, boy, steers and queers. I don't see no horns, so you must be queer?
Boy: No sir!
Taim: What?
Boy: No sir?
Taim: I can't hear you....
Boy: NO SIR!
Taim: Don't you eyeball me boy......

Meanwhile, in a stedding somewhere....

Male Ogier: Damn it, woman, stop your incessant nagging would you?
Ogieress: Nagging? It's the only sure way to get you off you're hairy butt, that's for sure. Ogier: Look, all in good time. It will be done, in time. We mustn't be to hasty. (drinks from a large can of bear) Hmmmmf. Hmmmph.
Ogieress: Hasty? HASTY? Two hundred years I've been asking! Two hundered long years of asking and pleading for you to TRIM THAT BLOODY TREE! Look at the size of it! Light! An Ogier could live in it!
Ogier: Look, it's dangerous, out there. I might get the longing!
Ogieress: Oh here we go. Every time I ask you to do the smallest thing, it's (silly voice) "I might get the longing, I might get the longing" Well, Longing-Schmonging!
Ogier: (ears drooping) Oh no, here we go again... (starts rolling a cigarette)
Ogieress: I'm the one with the longing round here! I'm longing for you to trim that bloody tree! Positively yearning for it! I couldn't long for it anymore! An Ogier whose lost his soul to Machin Shin, is more active than you!
Ogier: But we mustn't be...
Ogieress: Don't you dare say "hasty" again! You don't know the meaning of the word! Ice-ages are more hastier than you! Why, I lose count of the times........

Meanwhile, not far from Rand's crew, a man stands staring in their direction....

Flunky: Master Fain! Master Fain! Are we getting nearer?
Fain: Oh yes, much nearer. (MuHaHa). Yes, nearer indeed. (he he he he)
Flunky: Will we catch 'em up tomorrow, Master Fain?
Fain: Hmmm? Oh yes, tomorrow, yes. Al'thor is mine. all mine! (he he he) He always was....
Flunky: Only, you've been following him for seven books now, master Fain, and well.....
Fain: What? C'mon out with it...
Flunky: Well, you never seem to manage to corner him in a trap.
Fain: (menacing look) Is that so? (MuHaHa) I'll show you. I'll show you all!!! Al'thor is mine!
Flunky: (holds up hands in supplication) Whatever you say boss!

Fain: (he he he)
Flunky: Master Fain? When we catch him.... what'll you do to 'im, boss? Something terrible?
Fain: Terrible (he he he) Oh yes! I'll corner him with this.... [Fain reaches inside his jacket, and his flunky leans back with fear. Instead of the ruby hilted dagger Fain pulls out...]
Flunky: An autograph book?
Fain: Yes! (mwa ha ha) He won't escape me this time! I'll have his autograph, or die trying! (he he)
Flunky: But.... but.... an autograph book?
Fain: What did you think I was? Some long dead ghoul that's been touched by the Dark One? Oh what imaginations you have! (he he he) I just want his bloody signature, that's all! For the complete set! See here....

[He shows the book to his flunky. It is titled "Dragons of the age, false and true."]

Fain: .... that's Raolin Darksbane's autograph, that is. Now he WAS a gentleman, always had time for his fans, not like this young pup Al'thor. See here (flicks some pages) this is Guaire Amalasan's! And here..... Logain's! See, I even have Mazrim Taim's somewhere....

Meanwhile, our heroes have found a tavern in a nearby village, and our enjoying some breakfast - liquid breakfast.

Mat: (slams bottle down on table, and wipes lips on back of his sleeve) Aaah! That was what I needed! A nice chilled bottle of "Laughing Larry's Liquid Lunacy".

[the bottle wobbles, topples, spins round several times, and points at Selene. Mat grins...]

Mat: Truth or dare!
Selene: What?
Mat: It's called Spin the Bottle. Whoever it points at gets to choose Truth or Dare. Either you swear to answer a question truthfully, or you do a dare. Fail, though, and it's a forfeit....
Selene: I choose truth.
Lan: Selene, you don't have to play...
Selene: (holding up a hand) It's okay. I will tell the truth. What is your question? [ Mat confers with the other men]
Mat: I... we.... I would like to know, what a man would have to do, to get you to go to bed with him

[Selene pauses, then moves close, and whispers in Mat's ear. Mat goes a whiter shade of pale...]

Mat: And if I were to do that, you would find me irresistable, and just have to have me, would you?
Selene: Oooh, definitely, Matrim. I'd channel the clothes off you, so I could get to you quicker.

[the men look at her questioningly]

Selene: Well, I mean, if I COULD channel, that is. Ha Ha. Yes, if I could, I would, but I can't so I won't. No siree, no chance of poor Selene channeling, none at all. Nada. Zip. Zero.
Thom: Okay, I think we get the idea, my lady.
Selene: no chance at all. Nope. None. Null. Nill. Noooooo waaaaaaay......
Lan: Yes, we understand Selene......
Selene: Ne Channelez pas.....
Rand: Selene, we.....
Selene: Nicht Channellen fur Frauline Selene.....
Perrin: Really Selene, we totally....
Selene: Hoots mon, they'll be nay chann'lin for me, I kin tell ye.
Mat: Please Selene, I really do believe...
Selene: 100110010101001111100010100100011111010101001111

Everyone: ALRIGHT ENOUGH! WE UNDERSTAND! STOP IT!
Selene: Well, as long as evryone's sure they understand....
Everyone: YES!
Selene: Well...... okay then. So Mat, you up for it?
Mat: Erm.... *licks lips furtively*
Selene: Oooh I lurrrve a man who can lick lips furtively...
Darkhound: Er... Selene? That was a desriptive addition, denoted by the two asterisks. You aren't meant to be able to read it.
Selene: Oh.... sorry.
Mat: Okay! I'll do it!

Meanwhile, at a whitecloak camp nearby, the whitecloak captain stops by the washing line, and begins to curse....

Captain: Oh (clinton) (thatcher)
Lieutenant: CAPTAIN?
Captain: Lieutenant, who was on washing duty this day?
Lieutenant: CHILD MCULKIN, CAPTAIN!
Captain: Well, go fetch him for me Lieutenant.
Lieutenant: RIGHT AWAY CAPTAIN!
Captain: And stop shouting! You're not the bloody dark one, you know.
Lieutenant: Sorry sir.

[Lieutenant goes off, returning shortly with child Mculkin]

Captain: Ah, child Mculkin. You were on washing duties today, were you not?
Child Mculkin: Yes Sir.
Lieutenant: It's "Captain", Child Mculkin.
Child Mculkin: Yes, Captain, Sir.
Captain: (sigh) Thank you, Lieutenant. You are Dismissed. (The Lieutenant leaves) Now Child Mculkin, did you make sure that the wash load contained only white cloaks?
Child Mculkin: Yes, Captain, Sir.
Captain: So, you made doubly sure that only cloaks of purest white made up the wash load? No stray socks, for example? (points to sock on washing line)
Child Mculkin: Yes, Captain, Sir?
Captain: You made absolutely sure? That no socks, for example, oh I don't know, say.... this bright red sock here, didn't polute the wash?
Child Mculkin: Erm... fairly sure, yes, Captain, Sir.
Captain: Fairly sure? Fairly sure that you checked for bright red socks in a whitecloak wash?
Child Mculkin: Well.... fairly.... sort of.... well.... erm... nope. No Captain Sir, I didn't ,Captain, Sir. Sorry.
Captain: Sorry? Oh well that makes it okay of course. If you're sorry, then I can forgive you.... this (points at cloaks on wash line)

[Child Mculkin grins]

Captain: However, I don't think the questioners will take very kindly to the name change.
Child Mculkin: Name change, Captain, sir?
Captain: Why yes, Child. Tell me - why are we known as the "whitecloaks", Child Mculkin?
Child Mculkin: because..... because.... coz our cloaks are white, Captain, Sir!
Captain: Yes, Child, well done! But not anymore, hmmmm? Now, they are a different colour. An altogether less pure, and less.... macho.... colour. So how will we be known from now on, Child Mculkin? Hmmmm?
Child Mculkin: Erm.... Pinkcloaks, Captain, Sir?
Captain: Yes, Child, Pinkcloaks. What a name to inspire fear in the black hearts of Darkfriends. Still, I'm sure the questioners will understand....

[Just as Child Mculkin feints, the lieutenant returns.]

Lieutenant: CAPTAIN?
Captain: (sigh) You're shouting, lieutenant.
Lieutenant: Sorry, Captain..... Captain?
Captain: Yes? Lieutenant: Our scouts report.... report....
Captain: Out with it, lieutenant.
Lieutenant: Well, Captain, they reported Mat Cauthon in the camp, Sir.
Captain: What? Mat Cauthon here? Where exactly? When?
Lieutenant: Well, Captain, last we saw of him he was going that way (points to the horizon) and he was running very quickly.
Captain: How odd.
Lieutenant: And.... he was naked, Captain
Captain: Naked?
Lieutenant: Yes, Captain, and... and he had a sign around his neck, that read "I AM A DARKFRIEND, HONEST." And, he was shouting, "COME AND HAVE A GO, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH"
Captain: Hmmm....
Lieutenant: You think he is a Darkfriend, Captain?
Captain: Nah.... he's probably doing it to get laid.

Meanwhile....

Mat: And I ran right through, and before they had a chance to saddle up, I was through! (pant) (gasp) So, Selene.... (wheeze) I'm brave aren't I?
Selene: Oooh, definintely. The bravest.
Mat: So... well.... y'know. I suppose, ( wheeze ( I suppose you're struggling to keep... keep your hands off me?
Selene: Well, not exactly struggling.....
Mat: What? You promised! You said you liked brave men, and that if I did this, I'd prove myself brave!
Selene: Yes, but there's just one thing, Matrim.
Mat: What?
Selene: I was lying!
Mat: WHAT! WHY YOU..... HOW DARE.... HOW COULD.... mummy?
Selene: Of course, that means I have to do a forfeit.
Mat: YES! FORFEIT! YOU SHOULD GET 'EM OFF!
Selene: Already have done, Mat.
Mat: When?
Selene: When you were running about in the whitecloak camp!

For the first time, Mat realises the ecstatic grins on the faces of Rand, Perrin, Thom and Lan. He also notices their faces are quite flushed, and some of them are displaying signs of "lipstick" kisses.

Mat: YOU .... YOU... YOU.... YOU.... YOU... B.... B.... (thud)
Rand: It appears that Mat has fainted. Well done Selene, that was a quite excellent practical joke.
Perrin: Only next time, you should kiss us with the lipstick on. Thom's lips are chapped.

[Thom gives a big, glossy, red grin]

To be continued...

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / Lan's Stag Party