No intro's. No Story-so-fars. Just these words from the author:

My friends, this will be the last Stag Party. Those of you who were around when I started this, will remember I originally intended to end after five episodes. Then, a tidal wave of encouragement, positivity, support, and lets face it, threats, led to me continuing the series, hoping that it wouldn't out stay it's welcome like a long lingering guest.

Well, twelve epsidoes, including this one, I have created. Twelve episodes, some maybe quite good, some not so good. I've been proud to churn them out, whilst there has been a positive reception, despite the difficulties of an English guy creating humour for a largely American audience. And some of the emails or bbs posts I have received from people in response have been heart-warming to say the least. But, be that as it may, this will still be the last, because I think the time has definitely come to end it. Basically, the tank is dry. The wheel is flat. This parrot is deceased. I think what I'm trying to say is, I have no more ideas for the series, and I don't want to force myself into scratching together any half-baked piece of garbage and calling it Stag Party, just for the purpose of continuation. How many TV seires would be better if they left it at just the first two series? How many feature films were great until some one decided to make a sequel too many? Like, "Nightmare on Elm Street 37 - Freddies definitely dead this time, honest." I don't want Stag Party to be like that.

So, that is why it ends here. It's not the end of my attempts at creative humour, far from it, just this particular adventure.

So, If you've had half as much fun reading it, as I have had in writing it, then that means I've had twice as much fun as you have.

Thanks for the memories, ~Darkhound.

Okay let's get on with it.....

Deep in the chaos-wracked, warped and twisted desolation that men called the blight, a noise stirred. Less than human, more than animal, it's bone-scraping tones sent even the nightmarish denizens of the blight running for cover. If an observer had had the courage to stand and wait for the source of the noise to show itself, it would have detected that the noise was made up of words..... human words..... being sung....

Mat: Show me the way to go home......
Rand & Perrin: I'm tired 'n' I wanna gooo t'bed. (hic)
Thom: I had a lickle drink 'bout 'n' hour ago...
Selene & Lan: An itsh gone right to my head!
Mat: Show me the way to go home......
Rand: I'm tired and...
Mat: Hang on, hang on.... Just remind we what we're doing here anyway?
Rand: We're gonna fight the Dark One!
Perrin: Yeah!
Selene: Are you sure this is a good plan, Rand? Fighting the Great Lord of.... I mean the Dark One, whilst drunk?
Rand: Sure it is. Element of surpise. He won't expect it.
Selene: But.... drunk?
Rand: Would you fight him sober?
Selene: point taken.
Thom: Has anyone noticed the Blight has gone quiet?

[Just then, the blight seems to recede, leaving a clearing where it seems the essence of spring waits.... A being strides into view, made of leaves and acorns, and all things horticultural]

Lan: Get behind me! (draws sword)
Someshta: Hey man! Peace, brother!
Lan: Someshta? Is that you?
Someshta: None other!
Rand: But.. you're dead! Aren't you?
Someshta: Nah, it was just a flesh wound. I've had worse....
Perrin: What are you doing here?
Someshta: When the eye of the world was used, I spent some time cultivating my special plants, but then the Creator spoke to me in my heart, and gave me a new charge....

[The Nym points to a long narrow rock sticking out of the ground. Two holes are visible at the wide end, and two green mossy trails fall from the holes into the soil....]

Someshta: (reverential bow) The Nose of the World!
Mat: The.... Nose of the world? It's just a rock!
Someshta: No it isn't!
Mat: Someshta, this "cultivating" you speak of, did it involve extracting the resin, burning it, and inhaling the smoke?
Someshta: No! ....Well..... maybe.
Mat: And these special plants, were they perchance deep green and spikey of leaf? And grew only in very special conditions?
Someshta: ... erm...(cheeks blush) Look, it's boring up here! A Nym needs something to pass the time!
Mat: Well that's just great. The last Nym in the world is a dope head.
Rand: Come on, we're wasting our time.

[The party begin to leave]

Someshta: Come back! Come back! Hey, you wouldn't have any food would you?

Meanwhile.....

Ragan: Holy one, it has arrived!
Masema: What has?
Ragan: Word from.... from him, holy one!
Masema: (falls to his knees) The Lord Dragon! He speaks to me in a voice of thunder across the countless leagues!
Ragan: Well.... he sent a note, holy one.
Masema: Yes... but, imagine the power it needs to compell a piece of paper to travel all the way here!
Ragan: It was attached to a pigeon, holy one.
Masema: Yes... well.... attached using the one power, no doubt!
Ragan: erm.... using string, holy one.
Masema: String? I'll bet it was a very special piece of string, though!
Ragan: Absolutely, holy one. The moment I looked at it, I thought, this ain't no ordinary string, no siree! Covered in pigeon crap, for a start, holy one.
Masema: Yes! (foams) The pigeon - it must be honoured! I shall make it king of Gheladan!
Ragan: Very well, holy one. I'll have the sheep dethroned at once.
Masema: What sheep?
Ragan: The one you installed as monarch last month when you learnt that the Lord Dragon used to be a shepherd, holy one.
Masema: Ah... that sheep. Well, never mind then. Now Ragan, read the words of the Lord Dragon unto me!
Ragan: Okay, holy one... (unravels paper) Now then..... "Here me, prophet called Masema! Desist in your stupidity immediately, or I'll come down there and give you a right good kicking! I do not expect to hear that a sheep is king of Gheladan, nor do I expect to hear that anyone not wearing a hat, is beheaded. And don't even think of making my pigeon king instead or any stupid bloody thing like that! Just sit tight, and keep Gheladan from exploding until I win Tarmon Gaidon, okay? Yours, Rand Al'thor, Dragon Reborn."

[long pause]

Masema: It doesn't say anything about me promoting the pigeon to lord general of the army, does it Ragan?
Ragan: No, holy one. You want me to make the announcement?
Masema: If you would, Ragan. If you would.

Meanwhile:

Egwene: I tell you, I'm worried Sheriam.
Sheriam: Mother?
Egwene: I think Halima has too many male hormones.
Sheriam: She's just.... different, Mother.
Egwene: Sheriam. I caught her shaving yesterday.
Sheriam: We all need to shave once in a while, Mother.
Egwene: Not a bloody mustache, we don't. And then there's this strange manly behaviour of hers.
Sheriam: How do you mean, Mother?
Egwene: Yesterday, I suggested we went shopping at that quaint little dress shop in that town, and she wasn't interested.
Sheriam: Really?
Egwene: Yes, and have you noticed she rarely sniffs? Or tugs her hair, or raises an eyebrow? It's un-natural. She'll be watching football next.
Sheriam: Perhaps it is the strain of this march to the tower, Mother.
Egwene: That's not the worst of it Sheriam. Theodrin caught her ogling breasts, the other day.
Sheriam: Mother, perhaps she's.... well, you know.... one of those women who..... you know... with other women. Not men.
Egwene: Red Ajah?
Sheriam: Erm... not precisely, Mother.
Egwene: They were her own breasts, Sheriam! She was ogling herself in the mirror. I tell you, it's weird! Like, she has the soul of a man. The other day, she broke wind really loud! And she was proud of it! She giggled and said "Oh dear me, I appear to have released a bubble of evil!" I mean, really! You keep an eyes on her for me Sheriam.
Sheriam: Of course, Mother.

Meanwhile, on the slopes of Shayol Ghul:

Perrin: We're here! I can't believe we made it!
Mat: (shouting) YO! DARK ONE! PREPARE TO DIE! WE.....

[Mat is wrestled to the ground by Lan.]

Lan: Are you off your head?
Mat: I'm as sane as the next man!
Perrin: (discreet cough) Ahem.

[Mat looks, and finds he is standing next to Rand]

Mat: Well, I mean as sane as the next-man-but-one.
Lan: Look, our hope relies on stealth and secrecy, not bluster and bravado.
Mat: I can't help myself! I'm filling my pants, if truth be told. Damn, I wish I had some courage.....
Rand: OUCH!
Lan: Ssshhh! Now what?
Rand: (whispering) I tripped on that rock. See? I cut my knee! I'm bleeding!
Perrin: Light! You know what this means?

[everyone looks at Perrin]

Perrin: "His blood on the rocks of Shayol Ghul shall save us". Don't you see? We're saved! Rand bled on the rock!
Thom: (pats Perrin on the shoulder) Erm, lad, I think it might mean a little more blood than a grazed knee.
Perrin: Oh.... sorry. Damn, sometimes I'm such a klutz. I wish I had a brain.....
Lan: Now, we must be real quiet, while I seek out the entrance to the pit of doom.
Selene: Oh, it's over there. (points to a tunnel, marked "Pit of Doom, 150ft. (All children must be accompanied by an adult")
Lan: How did you know that was there?
Selene: I... well... I ..... read it. In a book. Yes, that's right. I read it.
Thom: What book?
Selene: Erm..... it.... was...... "Inside Shayol Ghul - the Architecture and History of the Dark One's Demesne" It specifically points out the entrance to the pit of doom. It's a good read. Really.
Lan: Hmmm. Well. Alright then. Lets go then. Selene, is your passage wide enough for more than one man?
Mat: (chortle)
Selene: Ooooh, warder, I just luuurve.....
Lan: Forget it! What I meant was..... will we need to get down on all fours and form a long column?
Mat: (snort) (snicker) (wheeze) Mwa HAAHAHA!
Selene: oooooooh, Lanny-wanny, you naughty boy. I just luuuurve a long...
Lan: Look, I just meant...... how big...... how long..... damn it.... is....
Rand: Look, stop this nonsense and show us this pit of yours!

[Silence....]

Selene: Well there's no need to be filthy.
Thom: Yeah, steady on, Rand.
Rand: Sorry guys. Sometimes, I'm an uncaring swine. I wish I had a heart......

[They enter the tunnel, and at length arrive at the pit of doom. The mad sky races over head, the fiery lake bubbles down below...]

Rand: Oh wow! Nice sky effect...
DO: FOOLISH MORTALS! YOU DARE TO DISTURB SHAI'TAN?

[The voice is like a thunderclap, but as if felt in the bone, rather than heard by the ear]

Mat: Nope! Not me! He does though! (points at Rand) He made us do it!
DO: SILENCE! I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT MINE ANCIENT ENEMY WOULD BE SO FOOLISH AS TO COME TO ME! YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR DOOM!
Rand: Come on. Give it your best shot!
DO: MY HAND MOVES.....
Rand: Where? I didn't see it....
DO: NO, I MEANT, LOOK OVER THERE..... AND DESPAIR! SHADAR HARAN!

[The superfade appears]

Rand: Boy, you're a tall one.
Shadar: (in a voice like rotting leather) Yes I am. Tall enough to crush you!

[Authors note: I didn't want to use "rotting leather" again, honest I didn't. I considered alternatives, like "a voice like an over-ripe melon" and "a voice like David Hasselhoff" and even "a voice that was really unpleasant, and no mistake" but "rotting leather" won through in the end.]

Rand: Oh really? (grabs Shadar's cloak, and rips it away, to reveal two quite short fades, one standing on the others shoulders)
Shadar (top half): Ahhh. So, you know abut that trick, do you? Oh.... right then... well.... RUN FOR IT!

[The top and bottom sections of Shadar flee quickly. Meanwhile, Selene yawns, and slowly wanders over to a dark curtain hanging over a nearby rock....]

DO: IT WILL AVAIL YOU NOT! THIS IS MY DOMAIN. HERE, REALITY IS HOW I WISH IT TO BE! YOU WILL ALL BE HELD ON THE CUSP OF DEATH IN ENDLESS AGONY FOR ETERNITY!
Selene: Oh boys?

[they turn, and she pulls back the curtian, revealing an alcove. In the alcove, an old man sits, working various levers and buttons to make the lava bubble, and the sky whizz past. When he speaks, he speaks into a microphone. They see his lips move, and they hear the Dark One....]

DO: I WILL SUCK THE MARROW FROM YOUR BONES! I WILL TEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR MISBEGOTTEN BODIES! I WILL....
Mat: I don't believe it! The Dark One's just a weak old man! He's not very powerful after all!
Selene: Perhaps now would be a good time to mention my new shoes? My red shoes? Ruby red, infact? (rolls her eyes) Doesn't anyone see where this is going? I'll be clicking my stilettoes together three times, any time now.
Rand: Shai'tan! Stop this stupidity! Come out of there!

[Shai'tan realises he is observed.]

DO: I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'D BELIEVE THAT BENEATH THIS FRAIL AND ELDERLY EXTERIOR, LURKS THE SOUL OF AN EVIL GOD?
Rand: No, and I'll thank you for not talking into that microphone. Now come out of there.
DO: Well.... alright then. I suppose the game is up, eh?
Selene: ......There's no place like home you know....
Rand: Why? Why scare the whole world witless all this time?
DO: You don't know who I am, do you?
Rand: Should we?
DO: You should Rand. You're meant to be me, after all.
Rand: Wait..... Lews Therin?
DO: The very same! See, there was never a Dark One, you know.
Rand: But how.... why..... what.....

Lews: Well, it's like this: (opens a bottle of beer) When Mierin bored that hole in the pattern she'd been going on about for ages, she found..... nothing. Bugger all! Can you believe it? So, she came to me, said how her reputation was at stake and all that. Well, she can be very persuasive, you know. Anyway, I was getting nowhere with that doe-eyes sop Ilyena, so Mierin and I came here, and we channelled this bloody great rock out of the ground, and with the help of a few good mates, like Elan, Barid and Tel, we sort of made up this Shai'Tan business. It was a hell of a laugh, if truth be told. That was the thing about the Age of Legends - it was so peaceful, it was boring! I mean soooooo dull! Shai'tan soon livened things up a bit, though. Before long, it had gotten a bit out of hand, though. I was knackered, one minute being the big Dark One, the next being Lews Therin, so I led a "strike" on myself, and "sealed" up the DO, then I went back to being plain old Lews Therin. I thought that would be the end of it, but I found I missed it. So, I pretended I was going mad, and made myself another mountain, Dragon Mount. But, it lacked that certain something, so I returned to Shayol Ghul, and everyone thought I was dead. Mierin, me, Tel, Barid and all the rest had a massive party, must have lasted, oh, several millenium, I guess. Elan kept nipping out to get some food in every forty years or so, and stir up a bit of trouble. Well, you know Ishy! Anyway, then you showed up Rand, and we had an opportunity for one last bit of fun! I didn't realise you was going to start killing poeple though.

Rand: Sorry. I'm a bit heartless sometimes.
Lews: Heart your problem is it? No worries, I can sort you out one of them. Got a few left over from the age of legends.
Mat: You can do that?
Lews: (shrugs) We could do pretty much anything, in the age of legends!
Mat: Like... give a man courage?
Lews: Sure! No problems!
Perrin: What about brains?
Lews: (shrugs) It's a small thing, really!
Perrin: Yeah? Excellent!
Thom: Well, this is a tale that could make me a considerably rich gleeman! Tell me, where is Mierin, then?
Lews: You really haven't guessed? MwaHAHAHA! You're all in need of a brain, in my opinion!
Selene: Erm.... boys? I wanted to tell you, I really did.
Rand: Selene? YOU? NO!
Selene: All right, don't over do it. It's only obvious because the readers have already read the series.
Lews: I can't believe you got here all the way through the blight! Without any casualties!
Lan: Well, I had a bit of trouble with the worms.....
Mat: .....but Thom had a cream that cleared it up for him!
Rand: And then, just when we were hoplessly lost, a toad like creature, all yellow and jaundiced and sickly and fevered, appeared, and we followed it, thinking only Shayol Ghul could spawn such a creature, and we were right! It led us here...
Lews: Ah! So, you "followed the yellow sick toad!"
Everyone: (singing) Follow the Yellow Sick Toad! Follow the Yellow Sick Toad! Follow, follow, follow, follow the Yellow Sick Toad!

[Authors note: I would like to apologise for contriving to include that joke, but it had to be done, you understand. It IS the last one, after all]

Rand: But.... if your Lews Therin, then, who am I?

"YOU ARE A TWO-BIT WOOLHEADED MALE SIMPLETON FROM THE TWO RIVERS!"

[The voice startles the company with it's vitriol. They turn to the source of the voice....]

Selene: (gasp) OH NO! It's the Wicked Witch of the West!
Lan: Oh no, it's Nynaeve.
Nynaeve: That's Wicked Witch of the Two Rivers, actually! (sniff) So, I finally caught up with you! Thought you could escape me, eh? (tug)
Lan: I can explain, dear one, honest, I....
Nynaeve: Silence! (tug) Five episodes, you said. Five epsiodes of Stag Party, and then your wandering days were over, and you'd come and lay in misery at my feet forever! (sniff) And yet, here we are, in episode TWELVE, and you're still having ..... fun.... (she spits the word "fun")
Lan: Look... I.... I.... it's.....
Nynaeve: Hush, spouse-to-be! I am speaking! (tug) And as for you lot of unworthy, good-for-nothing, low down dirty.....

[The party cower on their knees under the force of Nynaeve's anti-fun....]

Lews: Wait a minute.... here Nynaeve, catch!

[He throws his bottle of beer at Nynaeve, who can not catch it, as touching a beer bottle is anathema to her, and it spills down her front...]

Nynave: AAAAAAH! (sniff) AAAAAAAHHHH!
Rand: What's going on? What's that hissing noise? Why is Nynaeve steaming?
Nynaeve: I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING...... MELTIING....(tug) MEEEELTING ....(sniff) AAAAaaaaaaa...(pop)
Mat: She's gone! Well done Lews!
Rand: Yes, well done! All these years we thought you were the one source of evil, and all along it was in the Two Rivers with us! How blind we were!
Lan: Not as blind as I! I was going to marry her! What was I thinking?
Selene: Go easy on yourself, Warder. You were under her spell. No man, save Lews, could stand up to that.
Perrin: Now wait a minute...yes! .... So, presumably, Faile is like, her acolyte right? And she's using her black arts upon me, to make me so helpless and downtrodden, right?

[There is silence]

Perrin: Don't you think?

[Still silence]

Perrin: Guys?

[silence]

Perrin: Right?

[silence]

Perrin: Don't you agree?

[silence]

Absolutely, irrevocably, and utterly, THE END.

~Darkhound

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / Lan's Stag Party