Look this ain't easy! I need to get shot of the F-Team, except for Selene, she's too cool to leave. So, when the stag party flee from the kings kidney tavern too escape Jessica Fletcher, Ishy & MR D & Aginor & Rhavin bolt in the other direction, Okay? Now, on top of all this, I have to fit a mountain climber in it for Smoke, more Pythonesque stuff for Kiriath and Egwene2, and a whole lot more filth. Yes, I've lost it completely. I warned you though, didn't I? I said "Let there be five episodes, and yay, there were five episodes, and then the Great Mistress of the Dark and Smoke Ashalen and Egwene2 did say unto me "No, Mutt, let there be lots more episodes until POD otherwise we will let there be a severely squashed puppy, get the picture?" and so I have to dredge the dark depths of my madness for inspiration. So, I'm sure you understand why this things getting.... a bit surreal. What's that? You like surreal? Well, why didn't you say.........

After their escape, the party camps out in a hollow in the woods. The alcohol, and the adrenalin catches up with Rand, who falls asleep. And as he sleeps, he dreams ...

Music Starts. Camera zooms in to focus on Rikki Lake.

Rikki: Hi! Welcome to todays show which is called "My mans a taint maddened channeler, and a love cheat besides!" Please welcome to the stage a young lady from Baerlon, called Min.

[applause]

Rikki: Now Min, tell us your story.
Min: Well Ricky, for years and years I'd been totally self sufficient, uninterested in romance and love and all that girlie stuff, and then this guy turns up one day, and I just totally fell in love with him.
Rikki: What was it about him?
Min: I dunno... he was so.... interesting! I mean, he had these strange grey eyes and red hair, unusual for the area. Plus, he carried a heron-marked sword.
Rikki: For those of you watching at home, a heron-marked sword is the sword of a blademaster.
Min: Yes, and he was so young I thought "No way can he be a blademaster." Anyway, he seemed really scared, like he was on the run or something, and then.... then I had my first visions of him.
Rikki: Visions?
Min: Yeah, it's a talent of mine. I sort of see peoples aura's, and I... see other things in the aura's that relate to things that will happen. I don't know how or why, only that it will.
Rikki: And you saw visions in this young man's Aura?
Min: Oh yes. Like, there's a great darkness, and millions of fireflies try to swarm into it to fill it, but the darkness swallows them all.
Rikki: That's it? [looks at the audience with that "what a load of crap" look] Min: No! There were others, actually! But they're... private. Hey, weren't you the fat woman in "Hairspray"?
Rikki: Yes. (scowls) Shut up. Tell us about these private visions, Min.
Min: Well.... There was one with Rand and me and Bela and we were naked, and I'd covered him in custard, and Bela was wearing a large pair of....
Rikki: ...YES! Thank you Min, that'll do, I think.
Min: .... well, you asked for it. You're not as good as Oprah, you know.
Rikki: (In a low voice) Watchit, you. (switches to normal voice) Now, ladies and gentlemen, meet the man himself, Rand Al'Thor.

[applause and whistles as Rand enters the stage. He takes a stool next to Min, frowning at all the other stools set out]

Rikki: Hi Rand.
Rand: Hi Rikki!
Rikki: Now, Min here was telling us about you. You come form the two rivers, right?
Rand: That's correct, Rikki.
Rikki: And you were a shepherd, yes?
Rand: Yes, Rikki.
Rikki: Did you keep mountain sheep?
Rand: Yeah, but I had to give it up, because it was making me bow-legged!

[crowd screams with laughter]

Rikki: Very funny, Rand. But, you're something considerably more now, aren't you?
Rand: (raises chin) I am the Dragon reborn!

[crowd gasps! a few boo and hiss. One person cheers.]

Rikki: So, presumably, you can channel, right Rand? You are a male channeler?
Rand: Yes. I channel Saidin.
Rikki: Can you channel for us now Rand?
Rand: Very well.

[Rand looks out into the audience, and set's fire to a couple of the audience who booed earlier]

Rand: How's that?
Rikki: (gullp) F... Fine, Rand. Just fine. Now, would you say your as fond of Min as she is of you?
Rand: (looks at Min) Well.... I.... Erm... Yeah, I guess so. Yes.
Rikki: You love her, Rand?
Rand: I... I... well.... Yes, I suppose I do.
Rikki: You suppose? You must know whether or not you do, Rand.
Rand: Alright then, yes! I love her! There, you happy?
Min: (eyes filling with tears) Oh you woolheaded sheephearder, now look what you made me do. (wipes tears)
Rikki: Well, that's very nice Rand. Very Nice. However, Min's not the only girl you love is she, Rand?
Rand: What?
Rikki: (to audience) Ladies and gentleman, please welcome to the stage, Elayne Trakand, Daughter heir of Andor, and Aes Sedai of the Green Ajah!

[audience whistle and hoot and hotter, except for two who just smoulder... Elayne struts on stage, her eyes meeting Mins. Sparks fly. She sits on the other side of Rand, who looks rather uncomfortable...]

Rikki: Your highness, welcome to the show.
Elayne: Just Elayne, please Rikki.
Rikki: Okay, just Elayne it is. Now, just Elayne, you know this man?
Elayne: Oh yeah. First time was when he fell into the royal gardens at Andor. He's been trouble ever since.
Rikki: Fell?
Elayne: He was climbing a tree.

[the audience laughs]

Rikki: And would you say, that you know Rand very well.
Elayne: Well, I certainly got to know him well enough, in the stone of Tear!

[the audience gasps]

Elayne: Yeah, I got to know him very well indeed. Intimately, I'd say. Right Rand?
Rand: Well, that is... erm... well...
Min: Rand? What's that Andoran sop talking about?
Elayne: You cow! You're Andoran! I'll be your Queen soon, you peasant!
Min: Peasant! You might wear your fancy clothes, but I recognise a slapper, when I see one!
Elayne: Slapper! Why you little.... (she channels and Min is thrown across the stage and pinned flat against the wall with flows of air) I'm gonna peel of your skin...(gasps as she is cut off from Saidar) Rand! How dare you shield me! Let me go! (Min slides to the floor)
Rand: No, Elayne. I won't let you hurt Min. (turns to Min, who is stalking across the floor towards Elayne) And I won't let you hurt Elayne, either.
Rikki: Rand? You feel for both these ladies, don't you.
Rand: Yes, I love both of 'em.

[audience gasps.]

Rikki: Lets take a commercial break right there....

cue music, camera pans out, fade out....

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fade in, cue music, camera pans in....

Rikki: Okay, now it's time to meet lady number three!

[audience gasp "No!"]

Rikki: Yes! Come in, Aviendha!

[much applause and whistling]

Rikki: Aviendha, thanks for coming on the show. Now, you follow a weird system of honour don't you?
Avi: Yes, Ji 'e' toh.
Rikki: Okay, does this "cheese-on-toast" allow you to tell us of your experience with Rand?
Avi: No, It's Ji 'e' toh.
Rikki: (waves hand) Whatever. Can you dish the dirt or not?
Avi: Ji 'e' toh does not allow me to tell...

[audience groans]

Avi: ....but the $500 appearance money does! In a nutshell, we went somewhere really cold and snowy, and he gave me one in the igloo.
Rikki: I've never heard it called that before!
Rand: No! That is.... we did..... but.... Dammit, it's wasn't like that!
Rikki: Oh? Well, in case Aviendha's word wasn't enough for you, we got a witness! This gentleman was climbing a glacier in Seanchan, and saw it all. Come in, Mr Strange!
Mr Strange: Hello, Rikki.
Rikki: You saw the dirty deed?
Mr Strange: Yes, I did. I saw it all! Y'see, I was climbing the southern face of Mount Upwards, which has two out sloping stretches of more than 100 feet, not to mention a complete lack of resting ledges until you reach the apex, and... Rikki: Just get on with it. Why are you here, anyway?
Mr Strange: Darkhound has to get a mountain climber in this episode, to satisfy the dark sister known as Smoke Ashalen.
Rikki: Oh, I see. Why do you people climb mountains anyway?
Mr Strange: Because... they're there!
Rikki: Silly person. Get off my show. (Mr Strange leaves, by climbing the back wall of the stage. Because it was there.)
Min: You want to explain this, Rand?
Elayne: Yes, I'd love to here your explanation to Rand Al'thor!
Rand: Look... look.... I... I can't.... I don't....
Avi: He loves me as well. He said so. Is this a wetlander custom? To tell a woman you love her, when you find out she is with child?
Elayne: WHAT?
Min: WHAT?
Rikki: (rubs hands and murmurs to her producer) You getting this, Ivan? This is award winning viewing figures, y'know.

[Just then the mountain climber falls to the floor, and a few second later, his tattered, bloody skin drifts down and covers him like a shroud. A moment later and Lanfear glides down from the ceiling, on a staircase made from air.]

Lanfear: So, you've been at it again have you Lews Therin?
Rand: What? Me?
Lanfear: After last time, I thought you'd learn, but you did it again, Lews Therin!
Rand: I am not him! Stop calling me that!
Lanfear: You are, too! I am going to give you pain, Lews Therin! (she tries to channel, but finds she's blocked)
Rand: See? I can shield as many of you as I have too.
Lanfear: (shrugs) Oh well... (she kicks Rand between the legs, and he drops like a stone, making that special noise that men make when this unfortunate event occurs)
Rand: NNNNNNNNNNN
Rikki: Look, if you'll all take a seat...
Rand: NNNNNNNNNNN
Lanfear: Pain, Lews Therin....
Rand: NNNNNNNNNNN
Rikki: Erm... I think it's time for a commercial break.....

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To be continued...

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / Lan's Stag Party