The barman of the "Queen's Colon" tavern looked up as five guys of varying ages, shapes, sizes and countenances entered. "Oh no," thought the barman. "This is trouble."

One wore a cloak that shifted it's colours to blend with the background so that it seemed his head floated in mid-air. He went over to the pool-table with the grey-eyed psycho with the matching tattoos. A young looking rogue with a nasty spear and a fox medallion stood surveying the waitresses, whilst the Gleeman with the ridiculous facial hair talked to the big lug with the golden eyes.

The young looking rogue with the fox medallion looked around with a broad grin, removed his even broader hat, and shouted "Lock up your daughters, Mat Cauthon, Lord of lurve, is back in town!" and immediately sauntered over to Brenda the busty waitress..... Thom Merrelin approached the bar...

Thom: Five Flagons of "Old Bonzo's Leg Shortener" please, barman.
Perrin: Why's it called that, Thom?
Thom: Because, three pints of this, young bull, and you'll find your ass on the floor!

(At the pool table, Rand misses a risky double on the eight ball. After it comes to rest, it mysteriously rolls into the pocket.)

Lan: You cheating swine!
Rand: What? Me?
Lan: Yeah, you channelled it into the pocket !
Rand: Did not!
Lan: Did too!
Thom: (coming over from the bar with Perrin) Lads, lads, give it a rest will you? Rand, that's very unsporting you know.
Rand: Well, I NEVER win (sulks) Whether it's cards with Mat, or Arm-wrestling with Perrin, or Swordplay with Lan, I always come second!
Mat: (from across the bar) THAT'S NOT WHAT MIN TOLD US! ABOUT YOU COMING SECOND I MEAN....

Rand glares at Mat, but he's busy picking olives from Brenda's cleavage with his teeth.

Perrin: Oh yeah, like you can complain, Rand. A nation of savages ready to fight for you, all the lords of the land bow to you, and to top it all, THREE women on the go!
Rand: (sheepish grin) Yeah, well. Get's expensive at christmas though.

[Just then, the lights are dimmed and the tavern goes quiet.]

Barman: Gentlemen, Gentlemen, silence please! Tonight, for your entertainment, the one, the only, the sexy, the scintillating, the sensational, SELENE !!! (crowd go wild)

[A stunning dark-haired woman emerges onto the stage, garbed in silver and white. She begins to sing in a low, sultry tone:]

Selene: "I got chills, they're multiplying....and I'm looooosing contro-o-ol. Coz the power you're supplying...." (jumps on the pool table in front of an open mouthed Rand) "...it's Electrifying !!!!"

[Thom frantically knuckles his moustache. Lan wears what passes for a grin on his face. Mat, who wasted no time in joining his friends, is trying to roll his tongue up from the floor. Perrin is open mouthed. Rand has turned a burgundy colour.]

Meanwhile...

Selene: Y'better shape up (oooh-oooh-oooh) coz I need a man...." (puts a foot on his shoulder) "and my heart is set on you.....Y'better shape up...."

Meanwhile.....

Nynaeve: He's WHAT? (tugs braid)
Elayne: Having a stag party, Nynaeve.
Nynaeve: Why? (tugs braid) (sniffs)
Elayne: He's just having fun, Nynaeve.
Nynaeve: He's not aloud to have fun! (tug) (sniff) (tug)
Birgitte (under her breath) No, nor is anyone else whilst your around.
Nynaeve: What did you say? (sniff) (tug) (big sniff) (double-tug)
Birgitte: I said he won't be having much fun without you around.
Elayne: (hiding a grin) He's not married yet, Nyn. His fun will end soon enough. Just give him one night, hey?
Nynaeve: (tug) Well....(sniff) I suppose one night's okay (tug) ....but if he so much as LOOKS at any woman... (ominous tug) (ominous sniff)

Down at the Queens Colon (The tavern, that is)......

[Selene finishes her act, and grabs Rand's tankard of dark brew. She downs it in one.]

Selene: (wiping lips) I do like to get my lips round a nice dark Aiel....
Rand: Surely you mean dark Ale?
Selene: I know what I mean... (heavy lidded look)
Mat: (laying on the pool table) Hey, Lishen to me, efferybody. I've gotta really good idea. Letsh all go 'n get tattooed ! Randsh got 'em and he's got bloody women all over... (hic)...over the shop.
Lan: Where you gonna get tattood this time of night, Mat?
Mat: (pulls down his breaches) Well, I thought I'd get one right about....
Lan: NO! No.. I meant where abouts in the world, not on your body.
Mat: (belch) Oh...S'right then. I.... (tries to walk but forgets his pants are round his ankles, and falls flat on his face)
Perrin: You alright Mat?
Mat: (snore) zzzzzzz
Rand: Hey, I know! Where we can get tattoos, that is. Lets go to Rhui.... Rhooey.... Rio... Rudi.... That place in the waste where I got these! (displays matching dragons)
Selene: Mmmmm, I just looooove a man with tattoos, Randy.
Perrin: Right, that settles it. Rand, can you make us a gateway?
Rand: Shure. S'no problem 'tall. (wobbles slightly) There!

[A gateway appears a few feet away, but horizontally Two men drinking at a bench nearby look down to find their legs sliced off below the knee.]

Man#1: (holds up his tankard) Hey, I see why this is called Leg-Shortener !
Man#2: Yeah, thank the light we didn't order a couple of flagons of Dangerous Frank's Knob-Exploder !
Rand: Lads, Help me with Mat, will ya?

[They all grab a limb each and chuck him into the air above the gateway, letting gravity do the rest.]

(Gravity: Yeah, that'd be right. Just throw him in the air, and let muggins here do the rest. I'll break my back, while you all sit around....)

[One by one, Perrin, Thom, Lan and Rand, with Selene in tow, dive through the gateway, which winks out]

To be continued.

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / Lan's Stag Party