It was midnight, or thereabouts. The moon was full (and Astronauts queued to get in). Deep in the forbidding wastes of the three-fold land, 5 men and a woman made their way along. Well, four of the men anyway. One of them, Mat Cauthon, was being pulled along the ground by Rand and Perrin, who had hold of a leg each. Selene walked to the side of Rand, whilst Lan and Thom led the way. Of all of them, only Selene's graceful steps could be deemed "steady"....

Lan: So, you don't exactly know where it is that we are then, Rand?
Rand: Look, weaving a gateway whilst under the influence of alcohol is not an exact science, you know.
Thom: Who told you that?
Rand: Asmo...I mean, I read it somewhere. Yeah, in a book, that's right.
Perrin: Well, I hope we find an Aiel hold soon, I'm getting very thirsty.
Rand: Yeah, I can't believe how heavy Mat's got.
Thom: Well, it just so happens... (rummaging around in his cloak)... Aha! Thought so. Knew I had a bottle of Leg Shortener somewhere. Anyone think to bring a bottle opener?

[Lan, Perrin, Rand and Thom all look around sheepishly]

Perrin: We've got to get it open! I'm desperate!
Rand: (grabs the bottle) must break the seal break the seal bust the seal kill the seal break it break it break break break...
Perrin: Rand, calm down man. No need to crazy over it. (the others look at him sharply) Well, not crazy, exactly, I mean...I..
Selene: Oh for hell's sake! (grabs the bottle from Rand, grips the bottle neck in her cleavage, and twists.) There, it's open. Might be a little warm though, and some of the seat from by bossom is on the bottle lip. Whose first?
Rand: ME!
Perrin: NO, ME!
Lan: ME! ME! ME! GIMMEE !
Thom: ME! It's my (BLEEPING) bottle, you (BLEEPS).
Mat: (from the ground) meeee.... meeeee.
Selene: Rand asked first. (gives bottle to Rand) Here, Lord Dragon. (husky voice) Put this in your mouth and take a deep swallow ...
Lan: (stroppy voice) That's it ! I'm going to lay down here and just die.
Thom: Y'can't die, Lan. Nynaeve would kill you...
Lan: It's my party, and I'll die if I want to! (leans up against a strangely marked pillar) Yeah, nice and comfy against this portal stone...
Perrin: Portal Stone?
Thom: Portal Stone?
Rand: Portal Stone?
Portal Stone: Me?
Mat: (slurred) Stortal Pone? (hic)

Selene: (to author) Get on with it, Darkhound. I'm not going to say it, so you might as well just get on with it.
Darkhound: Alright! Alright! (low voice) Bloody women...
Ariella: What was that, slave? (dangerous voice)
Darkhound: (face to floor) Nothing, most magnificent majestiness.
Ariella: GET ON WITH IT THEN!

[And so Rand activated the portal stone.]

Flicker. Flicker. Flicker again. (pause) Flicker. Flicker? Flicker! (A really long pause) Fricker (a chinese flicker), F-L-I-C-K-E-R (a flicker trying to make an impression)

Thom: Where are we?
Rand: An alternate world that might exist.
Perrin: Different to ours?
Rand: Maybe. Could be VERY different...for example, here Faile might be a really nice girl....
Lan: Or here, there may be someone that thinks the artwork in the WOT guide is really cool.
Selene: No, warder, I don't think that world COULD exist.
Rand: (points) Look!
Everyone: What?
Rand: (holds up his pointing finger) I broke a nail...
Lan: I swear, I'm gonna thump him in a minute...
Perrin: (points finger) Look!
Thom: We're not falling for that again, wolf-boy.
Perrin: Erm...I meant REALLY look.

[A man was coming towards them. They all fingered their weapons. Selene suggested there was a time and a place for that kind of behaviour, so they gripped their swords and axes instead.]

Man: Hello! Lost are you?
Rand: No! Where just...temporarily between places we recognize.
Perrin: Or "Lost" as it's otherwise known.
Man: Well, allow me to guide you. My names Fred Saberhagen.
Everyone (except Mat): Who?
Fred: Fred Saberhagen! Y'now, the guy who gets to have his words on all of RJ's covers!
Rand: Wait a minute...You're the one that says... (frowns) "As long as a broadsword, and bulging with fine words?"
Perrin: No, it's "As solid as a big sword, and trembling with true excitement?"
Thom: "As tough as old boots, and hot as a fire?"
Lan: "As strong as a rock, and glowing like a hot fire?"
Mat: (mumbled) as big as a bigthing 'n' s'long as long?"
Selene: "As stiff as a meaty [CENSORED] and throbbing with true [CENSORED] ?"
Fred: SHUTTUP! SHUTTUP! (shakes head) Look, it's "Solid as a steel blade, and glowing with true magic" (proud look)
Everyone (except Mat): (disappointed tone) Oh.
Fred: Yeah, well.....Look, about this world. It's the most terrible world that ever could be. It's a world where RJ decided to write WOT as a musical!
Everyone (except Mat): NO!
Rand: We gotta get out of here....

[Suddenly, a new voice:]

New voice: Not so fast!
Selene: Semirhage!
Semi: Yes! Semirhage! And I have you all shielded and in my power!
Rand: She's right, I can't channel!
Selene: Nor can I ! (they all look at her) ....I mean, obviously I can't...I'm only the Lady Selene after all....I meant if I could have channelled, then now I wouldn't have been able to... that's what I meant!
Thom: Torture us all you want. We'll tell you nothing!
Lan: Yeah, nothing at all, foul forsaken! Torture away!
Perrin: Sod them! I'll tell you everything, honest.
Darkhound: Torture me all you want! Please! I'll give you anything, just torture me!
Everyone (even Mat): SHUT UP, DARKHOUND!
Semi: Meistro! (music starts up from somewhere) - ("favourite things" from the sound of music)

...and Semi starts singing:

Everyone: SCREAM!

To be continued.

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / Lan's Stag Party