| Telemarketers... |
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| We All hate telemarketers, agreed? Those annoying people who call you and ask you to buy whatever crap they have to offer... well I want to change that. Next time one of them calls, have fun with them with these 50 fun things to do when a telemarketer calls. Or better yet, also read 50 MORE fun things to do when a telemarketer calls. You'll be glad you did. 50 Fun Things to do When a Telemarketer Calls "Hello....Hello.... HELLO!?" (keep pretending no one's there) "What's your favorite color?" "That's great..." (Hang up) "WHAT makes you think I CARE?" "Give me 10 good reasons why I shouldn't hang up now..." "Whatever" (hang up) (in a little kid voice) "Do you have cookies for me?" "Listen to me you. When I catch you, I'm gunna put out yer' eyes and shove em' down yer' pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outa you, O.K.? And I'll use yer' tongue to paint my boat!" (taken from "the simpsons", but it works really good!) "Given the fact that, eventually, we're all just gunna die, WHY should I order your service?" "Now don't you feel proud of yourself calling COMPLETE strangers and asking money for some crappy service or whatever it is you're trying to sell? I mean JEEEEEEZ! Can't you people get a REAL job? Oh, I forgot, That will look REAL good on a resume... in Big, BOLD LETTERS, SAYING TELEMARKETER!" (scream the last word into the receiver and then hang up) (whispering)"...you...have...seven...days..." (repeat this until they give up) "What did you say? I can't hear you... speak up!" Interrupt them at random times, yelling at them to"SHUT UP!" "The voices... THE VOICES! MAKE THEM STOP!!!" (hold this not as long as you can) "SQWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" "AUGH! MY ARM/LEG! I BROKE IT! IT HURTS! OH, GOD CALL AN AMBULANCE!" "Answer this. Have your automated calling machines ever called themselves?" "Did I win? DID I WIN?" Keep asking "why" (sarcastically, when they're done explaining their service) "That's great..." Say random things like "But you didn't answer my question" and "What are you selling again?" and "Hello, who's there?" Even if you didn't ask a question, or know what they're selling, or are halfway into the call, etc. just say random stuff like that. (sarcastically) "I bet..." (when they are done explaining their service) Start complaining about how your coffee pot broke this morning, except if for some strange reason they are selling coffee pots Put them on hold Even if they didn't, yell "YOU JUST CALLED ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AGO AND I'M STILL SAYING NO!" Act like you called them for no apparent reason Tell them you have to use the bathroom and will call back later When you answer, say hello like normal, but if it's a telemarketer, don't say anything. Don't hang up but instead just listen to what they do. "HAS ANYONE EVER ORDERED THIS CRAP FROM YOU?" Act Possessed You a Speak-n-Spell if possible "UGH! YOU FOOL! I WAS BUSY TALKING TO ANOTHER, QUITE FRANKLY MORE INTERESTING TELEMARKETER AND YOU HAD TO COME ALONG AND INTERRUPT. GOOD BYE!" "I can't believe you people. In 5 minutes I would have broken the world record for longest nap and you jerks had to call. WHATEVER it is you are trying to sell, NO!!!" "Don't you hate when telemarketers call?" "Do you know what the meaning of life is? (99 times out of 100 they will say no, the last little guy will pretend he does and will say "I'll tell you if you order my service" (ignore these people) ) if they say no, then say "Then I don't care!" Bang the phone against a hard surface like a wall or table until they give up ask if they like cheese "What would you like on your pizza?" Pretend you are in the middle of an important meeting discussing nuclear war and because they called and interrupted, the other countries are going to bomb us. Start talking about how interestingly amusing light switches are. Start singing "The ABCs" as loud as you can, and don't give up and stop until you are done, then either wait for their reaction or hang up. Ask them what their phone number is. If they refuse, hang up. If they tell you, say "I don't really even give a crap!" and hang up. Act like you are filming a show about Zebras for Animal Planet. Pretend they called the White House. Start yelling like a deranged idiot and when you come to a swear word hit a random number key on the phone if you have touch tone, (really works good if you can hold a key for a long noise) Pretend you are in a movie theater, and they JUST revealed who the bad guy was, but they "HAD to call" Try eating a very crispy crunchy food that makes a lot of noise when you eat t while talking "Ohhhhhhhhhhh....what does THIS button do" and hang up. Say that the police are here Tell them that their product is illegal in this state "Need I remind you idiots that no one I know or at least care about has ever ordered something from you morons, and If you call ONE MORE TIME I'm gunna sue your @$$ off!" COPYRIGHT 2003 by RADIOACTIVE SPOON |
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| This is the first instalment of a yearly effort I make to the site. Each page has 50 fun things to do if those stupid telemarkteres call. Print the page, set it by the phone, whatever. I really don't care. |
| I'm not responsible for anything that may occur if you were to actually do the things in this document, so try at your own risk. If the cops come, don't pin it on me. |