Prince Charming

Back to part II

Part III

 

Saturday 6^th November 1999

            By this time, I didn’t know if I would ever see my love again, things seemed hopeless. I felt as if my life had just been declared officially over. By the time I got off of this grounding, Isaac would be near enough going back to Tulsa. I had to find some way of getting around this grounding, I needed to see him. Isaac had become a powerful drug, I needed him desperately, if I didn’t see him, I suffered withdrawals, I felt miserable.

            That Saturday I spent mostly alone, sitting in my room feeling sorry for myself, trying to pretend that watching some taped ‘Friends’ episodes would keep me from getting bored and depressed enough from wanting to hang myself from the light fixing. I didn’t understand what I had done to deserve such treatment from my mother, all I wanted was love and affection and all she gave me was apathy and grounding. Even if she’d shown some suspicion about Isaac it would have at least showed that she cared, but nothing. Isaac tried to call, but I didn’t answer, I didn’t know how I would explain that I was grounded. Most seventeen-year-olds didn’t get grounded – and if I told him I was grounded it would grow more suspicious. I wasn’t sure how his mind was working at that moment, I wondered vaguely if he had any idea about what he’d gotten himself into.

            I knew definitely what I had gotten myself into.

Sunday 7^th November 1999

            I had been reading some article I found in a magazine about Isaac and his younger brothers. Since I couldn’t be with Isaac, the article somehow soothed me, I read about him and how he’d became famous. How he’d written his first song at just nine years old. I had stayed in my room all of Saturday but I wasn’t letting my mom confine me to there, so I spent some time in the office searching the internet for sites on Hanson. There are more than a hundred Hanson fan sites out there – I hadn’t expected it to be that much, I had never thought of them as being that big. Guess I was wrong. More people seemed to adore Taylor than anything else, then Zac, Isaac came last in the adoration, no one could really see how gorgeous this guy was. Taylor was nice, but when it came to Isaac, nothing was sweeter than that sexy smile and that gorgeous wavy hair and that bronze tan. He was an Adonis.

            When I went to bed – at nine because I was bored, I picked up my cellphone. I decided I was lucky that she hadn’t confiscated it. I lay across my bed, and I dialled Isaac’s number on the speed dial – it had already become #1. I waited and finally a reply after about ten rings.

            "Hello?" Isaac’s soft voice came down the line.

            "Hey," I Said softly.

            "Where’ve you been? I tried calling, I didn’t wanna stop by in case your mom went loco on me or something…" he sighed. "Why haven’t you been in contact with me?"

            "I’ve just been having a lot of problems," I sighed, "I’m sorry, baby," I drew my breath, "Can you come over? I miss you…"
            "Why don’t you come here for a change…I’m babysitting, parents are out, Tay and Zac are at a movie with some friends…"
            "I don’t know if I can…" I began. I didn’t know how I could explain I couldn’t make it without having to admit to the fact that I was grounded and if I tried to go over the walls of the door my mom would probably give me another week or even months grounding on top of the month I already had.

            "If you can, come, if you can’t, I’ll see you around." He sounded a little upset with me.

            "Okay, I’ll try," I finally decided, I didn’t want to risk him thinking that I perhaps was losing my interest in him. I could tell he would begin to doubt about me if I didn’t make at least a little to see him.

            "Okay, you know where I live and how to get there right?" He asked of me.

            "Of course," I replied.

            "Okay, I’ll see you if you get here," He said, "I gotta go, Avery just poured dishsoap on the wall…" there was a click as he hung up.

            I pulled on some jeans, a tanktop and a hoodie and I locked my bedroom door, set my CD player to play the same six CD’s in a row – I wanted to make my mom think I was in the room, I never played the same CD over and over again, if I left the same CD playing over and over she’d know something was up. I opened my window and I leaned out, I could see exactly where Isaac would climb up, it looked pretty easy actually. After taking about ten minutes to actually climb out and get down, I ran all the way to Isaac’s house. I got there at ten, I knocked on the door and waited patiently.

            He opened the door, holding onto his youngest sister Zoe, she was screaming, her blonde tuft of hair sticking up. I looked at him, he gave me a desperate look, and I took the baby from him gingerly and rocked her, hushing her, I wasn’t too good with babies, but Zoe quietened down.

"What’d you do, run here?" He asked, noticing I was out of breath.

"I jogged," I lied and nodded down to Zoe, "She’s asleep," I said.

We headed into the room where Mackenzie was sleeping and we put her back to bed, the rest of the kids were asleep. I watched Isaac put her in her cot and put her covers over her with tender loving care, I drew my breath thinking this man would make a wonderful husband some day. To me? I sincerely doubted it, but to someone definitely. I smiled a little as he left the cot and crept over to me – I was standing by the threshold. We left the room and he left the door open so he could listen for her crying. We looked at each other.

            "So…what happened on Friday night after I took you home," we headed along the hall to the living room.

            "Nothing," I shrugged.

            "What’d your mom say."

            "She doesn’t like me dating," I shrugged.

            "You’re seventeen, you should be allowed to date," He shrugged too, we sat down on the couch and he looked at me, "I know…you probably will get mad at me for saying this, but I can’t help but feel there’s something more to you," He said, looking at me worriedly.

            I looked away, and he reached over and put his hand on my cheek and turned me to face him and made me look right at him, right into those dark eyes of his. I weakened, and before he could ask anything else I pushed my lips to his hoping it would distract him. And what do you know. It worked. He slipped his arms around me and seemed to totally forget his suspicions. I buried my hand in that soft, dark blonde hair of his, trying to get my body as close to his and make him forget everything that he’d wondered moments ago.

            Our tongues danced, hands wandered in each others hair and up the back of each others shirts, and every move I made was only to keep him distracted. I felt somewhat guilty about it. But it was something I was enjoying, I didn’t know why I should feel guilty.

            I don’t know how exactly, its one of those impulsive things you don’t realise you’re doing at the time, but it ended up that I was sitting on his lap, French-kissing him passionately, his hands cupping my butt a little, I could feel the bulge in his pants pressing against me a little and I was beginning to feel a little edgy. At the same time, as I felt nervous and scared, I wanted to provoke him, I wanted to see this side of him he said no girl had ever seen. Just to be in the knowledge that I would be the first. That would have to mean something to him, right?

His lips made fast work from my mouth to my jaw and tracing a line down my neck, he pulled me closer, I felt his bulge press against me harder and I heard him stifle a groan into my flesh. I had my hands up the back of his shirt and tugged that off eventually, not even sure what had come over me, he looked at me, perhaps a little bewildered, but he was very turned on. I remember it so vividly…the rise and fall of his bare chest, his Adams apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed nervously. We kissed again, even more heavily, his hands unsnapped my bra up the back of my shirt and I was beginning to think I’d actually gotten my wish. The wish that would make me his first lover and hopefully it would mean enough for him to want to take me with him when he left in December. I ran my hands across his bare chest, enjoying my first real feel of his flesh, that satiny smooth skin of his…

Then he spun around, the sound of someone having just walked into the hallway made him yank himself away from me and grab his T-shirt and pull it on, I sighed and smoothed down my shirt and sat primly as Taylor and Zac walked in. Taylor just looked at us, noticing there was no television on, we had not seemed to have been in any type of conversation, we looked guilty. Isaac was breathing heavy, his chest still rising and falling, his face pink, his lips red from the pressure of mines. I looked a little crumpled, my hoodie hanging off, my open bra billowing at the front making my tanktop seem out of shape, my lipstick smeared a little, my hair-tie hanging out. I blushed insanely and looked away from both of his younger brothers in embarrassment.

"Uhhh, are we interrupting?" Taylor asked, a coy smile on his delicate lips.

"No," Isaac breathed, "No…of course not," he sat back, arms folded casually, he tried to be as natural as possible, "How was the movie?"

"Oh, it was fine."

"It sucked," Zac muttered, he looked over at me and raised an eyebrow.

I stood up, "I should go," I said. I was desperate to fix my bra which Isaac had unsnapped during our make-out session.

Isaac stood, "Let me drive you," he suggested, he looked at Taylor, "You guys keep an eye on things until I get back, I won’t be long."

"Okay," Taylor nodded.

Me and Isaac got into his car and buckled our seatbelts, I didn’t want to go home, but I knew Isaac wasn’t about to park on some off road somewhere just to continue our make-out session no matter how horny he was, he had more respect for me than that.

"Just to the end of my street is fine," I said quietly, I was sitting primly, hands crossed at the wrists and on my lap. I looked out of the side window, watching L.A. go by while Isaac drove steadily.

"What’s going on with us?" he asked quietly.

"What do you mean?" I turned and looked at him questioningly.

"I don’t know, I keep promising myself this isn’t going to go too far…and it’s going a lot further than I had thought it would," He explained.

"Look, I know you thought this was gonna be like…what, a temporary thing – holiday romance sort of thing, right?"
            "Right," He nodded, "But it’s not," He sighed. "You know I have feelings for you…you make me feel so…I don’t know…normal I guess. Like someone actually cares about me…"

My breath caught in my chest and I almost choked, knowing that meant the world to me, it was how I felt about him too, "Me too," I looked at him.

He sighed, "But…we know I’m going away in a month or so," He explained. We haven’t a proper estimate to how long the album will take but…god…" He sighed, "A month doesn’t seem like nearly enough time…"

"It’s almost been a month already, since we met," I looked at him.

"Time has flown by…" He sighed, he drove to the end of my street, it was dark, the car was quiet, no one would notice me out on the street at this time anyway. My mother would never think to look out the window, I doubted if she even noticed I was gone.

"Do I get to see you tomorrow?"
            "At lunch time, it’s…the best I can do," I sighed. "I…have a lot to do tomorrow," I lied. The truth was I couldn’t see him because I was grounded.

"Lunch time, huh?" he seemed a little disappointed.

"Yeah, meet me at Charlie’s at twelve…"

"Okay," He gave a nod.

"Okay…" I looked at him.

"Night," He sighed and he brushed his lips against mines to kiss me goodnight.

I briefly returned the kiss and I left the car, went down my street quietly and climbed up the rose trellis and into my room. Just as I had reached my room, I heard a knock. Looked like I had just got inside on time. I sighed, fixed myself to look like I hadn’t been out at all and I opened the door. "What?" I demanded impatiently.

My mother was standing there, "I’m going to make something to eat. Do you want anything?"

"Yes. I want to be left alone," I said, and with that, I closed the door and locked it. I know a lot of you are probably thinking I was being cruel but I thought she got no less than she deserved. She’d spent years not loving me, not caring, not showing me affection, I had no reason to treat her any different than she’d ever treated me. I know some of you are thinking ‘she’s your mother and you respect your mother no matter what she does’. But I’ve always heard people say to get respect, you have to earn it. I don’t remember my mother ever earning it. Not in my eyes at any rate. Oh, Charlotte would probably see it different, Charlotte tries to see it everyone’s way, she tries to be the happy medium. But me…no, I saw my mother the way any teenager would. She was a domineering bitch with a heart of ice and stone. My heart, however, was quite real. And it was breaking.

*           *           *           *           *

Monday 8^th November 1999

            With only nine days to go to Isaac’s party, I was getting desperate for a way to make it. It was all I could think about at school that day. I didn’t know how I would go but I knew I was going, I knew that much, and when I went to that party, I was going to be the most stunning thing in the world. Isaac would take one look at me, and instantly be head over heels more than he ever had been in his life and we would run away together and live happily ever after.

            So much for dreams.

            One good thing that came out of that day was that me and my friends all started conversing normally again and things all seemed back to the mundane way they had before I’d ever heard of Isaac Hanson.

At lunch, I got to the end of the street and waited on the wall just like usual and Isaac picked me up, I got in, at this point I was wondering how blatantly obvious it was I was younger than Isaac was – a lot younger. Here I was, in a school uniform, my classmates passing.

Me and Isaac had a quick lunch together, on which explained how well his album was coming along. He explained that the album was coming along so well it could even be finished a lot sooner than he and his brothers had expected. He explained how well Zac had been singing since his voice had broke in the last year or so, and how Zac’s solo song on the album was really going to impress a lot of people on how well his voice had come along.

I don’t think he really even noticed how quiet I was, he was so excited and in his good mood. I sat and listened, and nodded, watching his eyes the whole time and pretending he was speaking about the most interesting subjects in the world.

When we parted, we quickly kissed, I got out of the car which was parked near the wall again, I smiled and went back to school, walking quickly, feeling the eyes of my classmates who had seen Isaac dropping me off.

            When I got back into the school, Victoria ‘Vikki’ Hamilton stopped me before I could reach the lockers to grab my science book.

            I looked at her, "what?" I demanded.

            Vikki was one of these malignant people. Bad attitude, the lot. It’s ironic how the ugliest people in the world are also the most beautiful. Vikki was nasty, and cruel, but all the guys in our grade wanted her. They adored her, the other girls idolised her.

            "You date one of the HANSON brothers?" she demanded as if it were her right to know, her green eyes on fire, I could tell she was pissed. Probably because the thought that plain me could get a celebrity while all she got where the guys on the school soccer team. Plus, I could get an older guy. I knew she was probably just jealous.

"No," I passed her and headed to my locker, I knew better than to go to telling someone that I was dating Isaac. It could mean a lot of trouble for both of us, just like he had said, his girlfriends in the past have been known to have been stalked by angry fans.

            "You fucking liar," she hissed. "You date that one who’s like eighteen or something!"

            I spun around, and gaped, "What right have you to call me a fucking Liar?" I demanded, "You wouldn’t know your pussy from your mouth!" I folded my arms.

            "Everyone’s seen you with Isaac Hanson…all of the Hanson brothers. You just better stay away from them," she acted that way that gave the impression she had been watching Ricki Lake, fists on her hip, head nodding and shaking.

            "Talk to the hand," I put my hand up and turned my face away from her, rolling my shoulders a little. I really just could not be bothered with her crap right now.

            "Just stay away from them, you little slut."

            "Takes one to know one, doesn’t it?" I glanced at her.

            The next thing I knew I was on the floor with my head getting slammed against the tile floor, the girls in the hall all circling round shouting ‘fight fight fight’ and I was unable to move, Vikki was strong for being so small, she had my hips straddled with her legs pinning me and her hand in my hair slamming my head down against the tiles, I felt dizzy and nauseated, and my arms were flailing trying to fight back. She slapped and punched me, banged my head and I barely got a hit in back at her.

            And then something I never expected to happen happened. I was so confused and hazy in the head I thought I had been dreaming at first, but someone pulled Vikki off of me and started yelling something.

            I looked up, my nose was bloody, my teeth felt sore, my body felt shaky. I thought I was dead.

            Zachary Walker Hanson – my arch nemesis – was standing yelling something at Vikki, she looked so stunned her expression was priceless. Had I been strong enough to hold a camera I’d have wished I had one.

            "Just fucking leave her alone!" Zac frowned, his voice seemed to boom over the halls, he wasn’t afraid to swear loud in the hall – this wasn’t even his SCHOOL. He wasn’t even from L.A.

            She stood there, speechless.

            Zac looked at her, "god, you fucking girls disgust me, fucking cats, all of you," He shook his head in disgrace and walked over to me, I wasn’t sure if he had seen the whole display or not, but he put his hand under my arm and pulled me up, he was strong, arms like steel. He looked at me, I think it was the first real time I didn’t see him as a total loser. I still wasn’t about to get on my knees and bow and call him my hero.          

            "You okay?" he asked softly.

            I sniffled, "I’m fine," my nose was all bloody, and I could taste it in my mouth.

            "Yeah, well you don’t look it," Zac glanced at Vikki who was throwing me dirty looks from across the hall where she stood with her friends. "Don’t you have some geeks dick to suck?!" he spat, Vikki tossed her hair over her shoulder and walked off at that remark.

            Zac looked at me, "You should cut class or something…"

            "I can’t, my mom would kill me."

"What are you doing here anyway?" I demanded, I took a Kleenex from my pocket and I pressed it against my bloody nose.

"I gotta take a test," He rolled his eyes, "mom makes us take our tests in school…" He looked around at everyone staring, there were a few girls who looked like they wanted autographs, he gave an expression that said he wasn’t going to be signing any. He glanced at me. "You gonna be okay?"

"Why did you even bother?" I picked up my bag.

"Because you’re Reece’s friend, that’s the only reason, don’t go all concerned that I might actually have feelings for you, I don’t," He put his hands in his pockets.

"Then I won’t feel obliged to thank you," I snorted.

"Nice. You always treat someone who saves you from a severe beating this way?"

"Only you," I looked away from him.

"What the hell are you doing with Ike, Astra?" Zac demanded, "I don’t get it, you’re not even the kind of people who have anything in common…"

"We have plenty in common," I walked over to my locker and fumbled with the lock and opened it.

He followed me over, "Yeah, well, what do you have in common with a nineteen year old romantic who’ll fall for anyone who’ll make it look like she likes him for who he is inside, not for the fame," Zac looked at the back of my head, I paused to listen. "What does he see in you. What do you see in him…"

I turned around. His eyes were piercing through me, and I felt my heart skip nervously, "What me and Isaac see in each other…" I trailed off, "Is unconditional love."

Zac fell silent for a time, then he adjusted the strap of his bag, "see you," He muttered and walked off.

I sighed, and went through the rest of my day as normal. As I was leaving, a crowd of girls encircled me with their questions – do I know Hanson, can you give me their number, can we hang out with them sometime, can you give them my number, etc. I ignored them and left the school, going straight home. I got inside and mom wasn’t home, I looked around the quiet house, walking, somewhat taking in everything, wondering how far I would get if I just upped and left. Probably not far enough.

I went into the office and I turned on the computer, I decided to email my mother at work and see when she was coming home. I logged onto the Hotmail address I had given myself, and I emailed her work email address asking when she was coming home and if she wouldn’t be, should I just cook something to eat for myself. I waited almost ten minutes before I got a reply. It read:

            Won’t be home until nine. Make yourself something to eat or call for a pizza – there is money in the barrel on the wall-unit.

I looked at my watch, it was coming up for five soon – four hours without my mother. I dialled Isaac’s cellphone number on the office phone after disconnecting the internet and I waited impatiently, hoping he would answer quick.

"Hello?" came his reply.

"Hi," I said, "It’s me."

"Oh, hey," Isaac said, I listened closely, I could hear singing in the background, it sounded like Taylor. "What’s up?"

"Nothing…listen…my mom isn’t gonna be home until nine…" I said, "do you wanna maybe come over and watch a movie with me?"
            "What movie?"

"I don’t know," I walked out of the room holding the cordless phone and I picked up the TV Guide and looked, "Kingpin is on at seven…" I said.

"That’s a good movie."

"Wanna come over and watch it with me then?"

"Okay," he agreed, "I’ll be over after work, okay?"

"Okay," I said, I felt a smile stretching my mouth as wide as it could go. "Could you maybe bring a pizza or something with ya?"

"I’ll do my best. Bye," he said softly and hung up. I couldn’t help but notice he sounded a little down in the dumps. I decided when he got here a real warm welcome would be in order.

I tidied up a little more in the living room, made the living room cosier, turned on the TV, made some popcorn and waited for Isaac to show.

He showed at six thirty, with a Pepperoni pizza.

"How was your—" Isaac was about to step in the door when he noticed I had a bruised face and traces of blood still on my nostrils. "What…happened…?"

"Got into a fight with some bitch," I shrugged, "It’s not important."

"I hope you won…"
            "I did," I lied.

He hugged me and kissed my forehead lightly, "Sorry you got hurt."

"It’s fine," I took his hand and took him to the living room and we settled down. We ate, and we watched the movie, and somehow all through the movie, all I could think of was Zac saving me at school earlier that day. He obviously hadn’t mentioned anything to Isaac about it. I just could not understand why Zac had even bothered interrupting from me getting my ass kicked by Vikki. Zac hated me – or so he’d always led me to believe. For this past month Zac had basically been the bane of my love life’s existence.

"You seem preoccupied," Isaac nuzzled my neck affectionately.

"I’m just tired. I guess I’m not sleeping very well lately…too much on my mind."
            "Is this about me?" he raised his head and looked at me, his expression concerned.

"Kind of."

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked, he brushed my hair from my forehead, and looked into my eyes.

"I can’t…" I sighed.

"Maybe you just need to loosen up," He suggested, he kissed along my jawline, and I closed my eyes, and held onto his arms, his lips felt strangely good as they travelled up and down my neck. I signed contentedly, and slumped down a little in my seat.

"Yeah…maybe I do…"
            Isaac seemed to forget his sexual inhibitions for that moment, and unbuttoned the top button of school uniforms blouse – I hadn’t even thought to change. He kissed down to the exposed skin and I slipped my arms around him and rubbed his back tenderly. Pop went the second button on my blouse, and I felt his fingers brush against some more of my exposed flesh. I shivered on reaction, and pulled him closer, he sucked and nibbled lightly on my neck, I smirked a little.

Isaac’s nimble fingers took no time in making fast work of ridding of my blouse and soon I found sliding down my shoulders and his lips kissing the skin on my shoulder aside my bra strap.

My heart must have been beating a thousand times per second, and at the same time, I felt so relaxed and happy. My body had all sorts of reactions that I wasn’t used to, especially when he touched my chest, I arched my back and let out a soft moan, I’d never felt anything like it. It was like an ache that felt good. Like a need that needed fulfilled. I’d never known how it felt to want someone so bad until that moment right then. I slid down lower, feeling him unsnap my bra at the back and kiss my collarbone as if he were trying to distract me.

Then I heard the sound of my mom’s car pulling up the driveway outside, I shot up, gasping. "OH FUCK!!" I cried, I grabbed my shirt and pulled it on.

Isaac looked at me, "what?"

"My mom!!" I pulled Isaac up and pushed him towards the door, "quick! Up into my room!!"

"God," He muttered and he ran upstairs shaking his head, I could tell he was getting a little pissed off with this now. I quickly buttoned my shirt and I threw myself on the couch to make it look like I had been laying there watching the movie alone.

My mom walked in, and looked at me, "did you have dinner."

"Yeah," I glanced at her.

            "Good. I’m going to bed, I have to be up early tomorrow," she left the living room, god she didn’t even notice that I’d been beat up!

            "Night," I muttered, I hoped to GOD Isaac had already made it into my bedroom. I waited five minutes or so and then I went up – my bedroom window was open, there was a note lying on my pillow. I sighed and picked it up and looked at it. It said:

                        Went home, didn’t wanna get you in MORE trouble. We really have to talk. Tomorrow at lunch time I’ll be waiting at the usual place. See you then

                                    Isaac

I sighed and sat down on my bed. It looked like he was thinking of dumping me.

*           *           *           *           *

Tuesday 9^th November 1999

That next day I was dreading my talk with Isaac. I spent all morning in my classes thinking about what I would say if he said we had to end the relationship.

In between classes, Reece and Kathy walked down the hall with me, "You seem a bit preoccupied," Kathy stated.

"I am," I sighed, I put my hand to my head, all this worry had begun to give me a headache.

"Why?"

"Isaac wants to ‘talk’," I explained, "I think this might be the let down thing. Y’know, where he tells me we have to end the relationship…"

"Oooh, that sucks," Reece admitted.

"Yeah," I nodded, and headed into my class and took my seat, Reece sat at the desk next to me and looked over at me.

"Maybe you should just dump him before he dumps you?" she questioned.

"No…" I shook my head, "I don’t want to be not with him. I need him, he’s like the first person I’ve ever known who’s actually cared about me."

"We care," Reece pointed out.

"Yeah, but you can’t give me the kind of affection he does."

"Only if I were a lesbian," Reece smirked and put her book on her desk. "You’re getting yourself in deeper though, you know."

"I know," I sighed.

"He who fills his pocket with the rocks of misdeeds will surely sink in the river of good fortune."

"What the fuck – were you born in a fortune cookie or something?" I demanded looking at her.

She smirked again, "Yup."

At lunch time, I left the school and I headed up the road to where Isaac had parked his car, I got in and looked at him, he was poised straight, a very serious look on his face. His brown eyes found mines, he seemed to be rather stressed about something.

"Okay, what did you wanna talk about?" I asked after swallowing nervously, praying this wasn’t going to lead to my getting dumped.

"Lets discuss it at lunch," he suggested and then he was about to start the ignition.

"No, right here, right now…" I looked at him, I didn’t want to wait, if I needed to walk away if he said we’re over, then I needed him to stay parked, so that I could.

"Tell me, Astra, does anything strike you as fairly…odd…about our relationship?" he put delicately, he tapped his fingers agitatedly on the steering-wheel.

"Like what?" I questioned lightly.

"Like the fact we’re always striving to keep this a secret from your parents or something, especially this thing with your mom…I don’t get it, why doesn’t she want you dating…"

"Because she doesn’t. She thinks I’ll get pregnant or something I guess," I lied. Oh, Isaac, how can I expect you to understand, you’re not only going out with a fourteen year old, you’re going out with a liar. A liar who would do anything in this world, anything even if it’s impossible, just to keep your affections.

"It’s not gonna work out," he sighed, "We’re always hiding from your mom, or your dad, or something, sometimes I feel like you’re not being completely honest with me…" Isaac explained, he ran his hand through his soft tousled dark blonde hair.

"Ike, we BOTH know we’re only together for another month or so anyway, so why worry about it," I looked at him and sighed. "Or maybe you’re just looking for the easy way out…" I stared at his profile, he was looking out the windscreen, staring into space. He looked so vulnerable, and at the same time, beautiful. He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. People may have thought there was nothing good looking about him, but when you’ve spent that much time with him, you see him in a new light. I saw him in a new light every day.

"I’m not," he looked at me, "Look, Astra, I care for you…deeply…god, I even think I’m in love with you, yes, even after only a month, but I mean…"

"I love you too," I quickly said.

If there was any word that could have probably duped Isaac Hanson, it was telling him you loved him. It seemed to distract him. He looked at me, right in my eyes, "do you?"

"Yes," I nodded. And I did. I didn’t want to dupe him, I hadn’t even planned on telling him, but there it was, I told him right then and there.

"You’re beautiful," he murmured and brushed his lips against my own, I shivered in delight and wrapped my arms around him and hugged him.

"Heyyyy, it’s the love birds."

I let go of Isaac and spun around, Reece was leaning in the open window, she grinned.

"Hey," Isaac smirked a little.

"Hi, Isaac, good to see you again," Reece grinned wider, "Where’s your little brother at."

"Which one," Isaac smirked.

"The stubborn one."

"Oh, Zac, he’s at the studio, having lunch," Isaac explained.

Reece’s eyes lit up, "Maybe we should cut classes and go visit you guys," she suggested.

"Uh…no," I glanced at Reece. God, didn’t it even occur to Isaac we were wearing the same uniform?

Isaac looked at me pleadingly. Isaac wasn’t the kind of guy who would want me to cut school, but…I don’t know, something about me just having told him I loved him made him want to keep me closer for the day.

"Okay," I nodded, I wasn’t sure how I’d explain it to my mom – or how Reece would explain it to hers – but I agreed.

"Okay," Isaac smiled, "Jump in," he encouraged Reece.

Reece got in the car and Isaac drove steadily, singing along to the song ‘I Saw The Light’ as he did.

"It was late last night, I was feeling something wasn’t right, there was not another soul in sight, only you, only you…so we walked along…though I knew that there was something wrong. And a feeling that feels so strong, only you. Then you gazed up at me, and the answer was plain to see, ‘cause I saw the light in your eyes…in your eyes. And we had a fling, I just never would suspect a thing. Til that little bell began to ring in my head, in my head. But I tried to run, though I knew it wouldn’t help me none—" he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes and smiled and he patted my knee before he changed gears.

I felt my heart soaring a thousand feet higher than it had ever been. Someone loved me… Isaac loved me…he cared. It was the most special day of my life.

Soon we were getting out of the car and Isaac talked with security to clear us through so we could go into the studio. He led us down a labyrinth of hallways and doors and finally, we reached the Hanson’s studio. Zac was sitting up on a counter reading a sheet of lyrics, Taylor was sitting at one of the control panels beside their producer, Stephen.

Taylor glanced up at me and Reece, and smiled, "Hey," He smiled.

"Hey, Taylor," I passed him and patted his shoulder.

Zac looked at Isaac as we walked in, at this point not noticing Reece’s presence, "We’ve changed a few things on the song."

"Uhhh, why?" Isaac walked over, he looked at the sheet Zac was holding.

"Because this bit sounds stupid," Zac scored something out, "so I’ve added in this part."

"Fine. It’s your song," Isaac held his hands up in defence and laughed.

Reece walked over to Zac, "Hey, stud," she smirked.

"Hey," he smiled, he put the lyric sheet down.

"So this is where you work, huh?" Reece asked.

Zac gave a nod, and a smile. "So you guys here to watch us in action, huh?" He smiled.

"Yup."

Taylor left the room, I’m not sure why, but without him, the brothers work was delayed.

Isaac looked at me, "I’d give you the tour, but you’ve been here, before," he smirked, he sat down at the piano, looking up at me.

"Play something for me," I urged.

"Uhm…like what?" he asked with a laugh.

"I don’t know…one of your songs," I shrugged, I sat on a stool nearby.

"Okay, but I suck at the piano," He laughed, and he began playing. He was a stonefaced liar. He was an amazing piano player. I’d seen Taylor play a little last time I had been there and I’d thought Taylor was talented, but seeing Isaac at that piano, and listening to him singing so beautifully, I knew what real talent was. I smiled and listened to him croon out ‘More Than Anything’. He sounded so amazing. I felt myself reach some personal kind of high without drugs as I listened to him. He looked at me and smiled once he’d finished playing. It was really love.

Through out the next few hours, we watched Hanson sing, argue slightly about lyrical problems and such, when four O’clock came, Isaac had just finished singing a verse with his brothers, I looked at Isaac, "Ike, I gotta go soon," I pointed out.

"Uh…okay, just let me go to the bathroom, and then I’ll drive you, okay?" he asked.

"Okay," I nodded.

The moment Isaac left the room, Taylor approached me and smiled, "Hey," he said.

"Hey," I smiled.

"Okay, party is this Saturday," Taylor stated, "at the Queen Charlotte Rooms."

"But isn’t his birthday a week tomorrow?"

"Yeah, but we want to make it a surprise," Taylor nudged me with a smirk, "you know where the Queen Charlotte Rooms are, right?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Okay, well party at seven, Ike gets there at half past, we yell surprise," Taylor smirked.

"It’ll be fun," I said sheepishly. I wasn’t sure if I could make it, especially since it was on a Saturday. I don’t know how I would convince my mom to let me out of grounding.

Isaac drove me and Reece to our houses, and Zac came along for the ride. When I got home, I was lucky mom wasn’t home yet, and of course, I got to the answering machine and found out the school had called to see why I hadn’t come to my afternoon classes. I erased the message hoping that would get rid of that forever. I went upstairs and changed into my sloppy ‘hanging out at home’ clothes, and when mom came home, she brought McDonalds in with her, because she was tired and couldn’t be bothered with cooking right then. She looked tired, I looked into her Prussian blue eyes and saw she had a lot on her mind. One thing I’ll say is I never knew my mother well, I don’t know what went on in her mind, she never told me how her day went, or asked me how mines went. We were like strangers.

That night when I went to bed, I wondered how the hell I could manage to get out on Saturday night.

 

 *          *           *           *           *

Wednesday 10^th November 1999

            With my loves birthday coming up I was beginning to get desperate. I didn’t have a chance of getting out unless my mom decided to go out on Saturday night and leave me alone in the house, to which I could sneak out and she’d never know. But my mom didn’t go out much unless she was going out on business. Damn her for being so damn difficult.

That day, I attended school and didn’t meet with Isaac at lunch, however, as I was heading towards the cafeteria I noticed Reece standing against the lockers speaking with Zac Hanson, a crowd attracted, people trying to circle them and Zac continuously telling people to go away. Zac had been attending our school for important tests to do with his home schooling. Zac and Reece did seem pretty attracted to each other, I don’t know why but something about Zac always gave me the impression he was older than fourteen. Even though I knew for sure he was, he always seemed so much wiser for his age.

I was about to head into the Cafeteria but Reece spotted me and called me over. And so reluctantly I headed over.

"Hey," I said sheepishly.

"Hey," she smiled.

Zac looked at me and gave a quiet ‘hi’.

"Wanna join us for lunch?"

"Sorry, no thanks, I don’t wanna feel like a third wheel," I responded.

Zac looked at me, "oh, you wouldn’t be," He said.

I glanced at Reece and she gave a smirk and out of Zac’s view she put the pinkie of her left hand up and twirled it to indicate she thought she had the guy wrapped around her little finger.

"Okay," I nodded.

We went for lunch together somewhere out of the way, the only drag was having one of Hanson’s bodyguards tagging along and driving us, but it was no real problem, he pretended to not listen to anything we said and pretended he wasn’t watching everyone to make sure no one was about to assassinate Zac – or that no girls were about to maul him. Zac was a little bit of a show off, and he was too loud and crude, nothing like Isaac really. There was no question Zac was intelligent like his brother but he was nothing like him in personality. But spending time with Zac I did learn he was more human perhaps than I thought. He did like Reece – I had only thought he was using her to get at me and annoy me.

"So…you guys are coming to Ike’s birthday party, right?"
            "If you’re inviting me, certainly," Reece grinned, she looked at him, trying to look every so attractive, coming across as more cheesy than anything.

Zac smiled, "sure."
            I looked away.

"Astra," Zac cleared his throat.

"I don’t know…" I sighed.

"Huh?" he replied.
            "Her mom is pissed at her and grounded her for coming home late and stuff," Reece shrugged.

"Oh," Zac looked at her, "that…sucks."

Reece got up. "I’m gonna go use the bathroom," she said, she tossed her silky blonde hair, then she headed to the girls bathrooms.

Zac looked at me, I didn’t understand why he was being so nicey-nicey.

I looked at him, "Something’s up with you," I said sternly.

"Huh?"

"You, you’re usually treating me like shit, what’s the story…"
            Zac rolled his eyes, and looked at me, "I’ll give it to you straight," He folded his arms, resting them on the counter. "I’ll give you the scenario…" Zac paused, "Either you dump Isaac for some unknown reason – or pick a fight with him until he breaks up with you. Whatever the reason – you and Ike split on the Saturday."

"Dump him?!" I demanded. That was a ludicrous thought, he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

"If you don’t, I’ll tell him the truth Astra, at least if you ditch him he never needs to know, he never needs to go through the humiliation of knowing he practically forced an eight-grader to jack him off, that he tried to get hot and heavy with this fourteen year old…child…" Zac chewed his lip for a moment, "Or I tell him. I tell him you knew all along what was going along, and you let him touch you, you touched him knowing that it could get him in deep shit, and that I warned you, and you didn’t listen. Spare him that humiliation," Zac said, "You have ‘til Saturday. If you haven’t by then, I take matters into my own hands."

I nearly started crying.

"Oh don’t even bother putting on the crocodile tears just to make me feel bad, it’s not gonna work.

"You don’t understand!!" I sobbed.

"What don’t I understand, that you’re just a pathetic little girl who wants attention…"

"Maybe I am!! Maybe I do want attention because no one else will care about me!!! Because no one else actually ever hugged me or told me I was loved!" I got up and walked out in tears, I made my own way back to school, my tears had dried by the time I got there. I just could not believe that Zac had given me this damn ultimatum.

In class, it was all I could think about – what was I going to do? If I did as Zac said, it’d be less trouble, but I didn’t want to dump or break up with Isaac, he was the dearest person to me in the world. He was the only person who had shown me affection.

Reece must have skipped school to be with Zac because I didn’t see her again that day.

I went straight home after school, and called Isaac upon getting into my room, his answer to the phone was hasty.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hi, Ike, it’s me…"

"Hi, baby," Isaac’s voice sounded tired, and strained, "what’s up?"

"I…was just wondering if I could see you tonight," I said.

"How?" he asked.

"I don’t know, maybe uhm…spend the night like you sometimes do?"
            "Okay, I’ll see what I can do," he sounded a little happy I was asking him to.

"Remember, you have to sneak in my window – I’ll leave it open for you, okay?"

"Okay. I’ll be there around ten?"

"Okay," I said softly.

            We both hung up, I went about my homework, pretended I was tired and told mom I was going to bed early, I sat in my room with the dimmerlight turned low, I had changed into the slinkiest nightgown I had, which was black satin with hearts. What was I thinking? I don’t know for sure…

            Yes, maybe I do. I thought if I could get Isaac to sleep with me, I could keep him. That once we’d made love we would be forever meant to be together.

            He arrived, it was raining, and his shirt was soaked, Isaac was one of those guys who tended to walk about without his jacket on most of the time, usually flimsy button down shirts and tanktops were his most recent thing. I looked at him and he looked at me, surprised to see me in such skimpy night attire. I smiled a little and got up. "Hi."

            He walked over, standing, dripping wet.

            "You’re soaking…" I looked at him.

            "Yeah, it’s raining," he shrugged, his hair hung in damp wispy tendrils around his face, he looked sexy, and I couldn’t help but need him right then. There’s something about seeing the person you love look that way, almost vulnerable and undeliberately gorgeous. You’re drawn, it’s a curse.

            I reached over and started unbuttoning his shirt – he was soaking and I didn’t want him to catch pneumonia. He watched my fingers as I slowly started undressing him, I could sense the quicken of his breath and the beat of his heart drumming faster in his chest, he looked at my eyes and I gave him a look that said everything. He leaned closer, put his hand under my chin, tilted my head up and placed his lips on mines. It was a soft, gentle kiss that lasted moments, I’m not sure who made the first move to get us on the bed, but this was where we ended up.

Isaac crawled over me and let his body rest against mines, kissing me deeper, our tongues doing a wild tango in each others mouths, he began rocking slowly, I felt his growing hardness press against me and I felt pleasure I had never imagined. The kissing got heavier than it had ever gotten, and clothes were shed in as our heated emotions got the better of us. Isaac shed of everything he had on. I watched him remove his boxers, watched his manhood spring up and felt shock almost freeze me where I lay, I realised we were going to make love.

We kissed again and he pulled the nightgown I was wearing right off in one quick yank, we kissed more, I felt his manhood pressing against my underwear, yearning to penetrate me, I felt fear tingling in my every vein, yet I ached, I ached to be touched.

"Astra," he murmured almost breathlessly.

"Yeah?" I whispered.

"You sure?"

"Yes…"
            He kissed along my neck in faint pecks, and picked up his pants and went into his wallet, retrieving a condom. I guess I’d say I knew that was the sign it was really going to happen.

He murmured, "I…I hope you know I’m only ever going to do this because I love you…" he looked at me.

"I love you too," I whispered.

He slowly began to pull down my underwear and he looked at my whole body as if it were his first time seeing a woman. We slid under the covers and he climbed over me once again, and he positioned himself.

He kissed along my jawline and I closed my eyes and slipped my arms around him.

He moved forwards, his manhood penetrating me, I felt a sharp pain and the fear of him almost ripping me in half. He paused, looked at me, "You okay?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and forced back tears, "I’m fine," I pulled his face close to mines and kissed him, hoping that would stop me from crying. He moved slow and steadily, he knew what to do, I didn’t. I lay there, praying for it to be over. The pain didn’t go away, I stifled my cries into his shoulder, he tried to continue without moaning so we wouldn’t wake my mother. I’m not sure how long it lasted but it continued for what seemed forever, I didn’t feel that ultimate pleasure I’d always heard tale of. I didn’t get anywhere near the pleasure I had wanted. All that filled my mind was Zac’s voice, repeating that goddamn ultimatum of his that he announced to me at the diner earlier that day.

When Isaac was spent, he withdrew and lay by my side, pulled me close and closed his eyes, "I love you," he whispered softly near my ear, he brushed his lips against my jaw softly, and hugged me close.

"I love you too," I whimpered, and I lay with my back facing him, squeezing my legs tight together, I hurt so much, I thought it would never go away. I don’t think I slept much that night, I hurt too much.

 *          *           *           *           *

Thursday 11^th November 1999

            When I woke up he had already gone, he either felt guilty or he’d had to go for an early session at the studio. I pulled myself up, disposed of the sheet which was now tainted with blood. I hadn’t know that first time sex provoked bleeding, I hadn’t even known it would hurt so badly. I pulled myself together and somehow got dressed and got to school, I was walking rather badly, but I couldn’t help that. I think just about half of the student body noticed it. Especially Reece, as I walked over to my locker and opened it, she sauntered over in her careless fashion and looked at me, "What’s wrong with you?" she asked.

            "I hurt my leg," I shrugged.

            "You’re lying…"
            "Big deal," I shoved my bag into my locker, along with my phone, and I pulled out my history book, and I headed along the corridor. Reece followed suit.

            "Did…you and Ike…"

            "Yes," I said quietly, I sighed, not being able to meet her eye.

            "Really?! Was it good? Did it hurt?"

            "It hurt…it hurt a lot," I shrugged, I sighed, "We fell asleep together, but when I woke up this morning, he was gone," I tried not to cry.

"Oh, wham, bamm, thank you ma’am, huh?" Reece said sheepishly, she picked at her nails casually as she walked beside me, not looking at me.

            "Yeah," I shrugged, I shook it off.

            "You have got to be kidding me – sweet sensitive Isaac screwed you then left…" Reece sounded like she couldn’t believe it.

            "He probably had a good reason," I decided. "He probably needed to go to the studio early," I explained.

            I went through the whole day wondering. Half wondering if Isaac had a good reason to leave, half wondering if I should ever speak to him again for screwing me, then just leaving without even saying goodbye, and then half wondering what I was going to do about Zac’s threat. If I didn’t do as Zac said – he was going to tell Isaac about my age if I didn’t do as he said and break up with Zac. I could imagine Zac pulling Isaac aside – right at Isaac’s 19^th Birthday party and saying ‘hey, bro, you just fucked a fourteen year old kid, I bet now you’re not so crazy about her’. I soon put this out of my mind, every time I thought of it I got close to crying.

School sucked, I failed a test, got a bad mark on an essay, and a teacher got mad at me when I wasn’t listening. At lunch time I headed into the girls bathroom to put on some lip gloss. Little did I know that Vikki Hamilton, Stacy Greenock and Fairuka Watson followed me into there, I walked over to a sink, rested my backpack on the edge, and slipped my hand in to there for my lip gloss. I was putting it on when I saw Vikki’s reflection in the mirror, she looked at me and folded her arms. I spun around.

"What the fuck do you want?" I demanded.

"To see you dead you little slut."

"Huh, you can talk. You’re the ones who’d spread her legs for anyone, even a ten year old, while I’m the one dating a 19 year old."
            There would have been a fight, but a couple of girls walked in, including Karen, Karen looked at me, and then suspiciously to Vikki.

"We’ll get you," Vikki snarled, "When you’re not hiding behind your friends," she added, and with that, she and her little group left. I gathered this was going to be one of those very bad days.

When I left school, his car was waiting by the wall, just like usual. I gave a deep sigh and walked towards his car – by now my pain had decreased. I slipped into the car slowly, and looked at him.

            Isaac glanced at me sheepishly, "I…"

            "You shit!" I smacked his arm, "You didn’t even wake me to tell me you were leaving, you just fucked off!" I pouted.

            "I’m really sorry, baby, I had an early meeting to attend and I had to be showered and groomed real well, y’know?"

            I looked away, "I think you’re lying…"

            "I am NOT lying, I swear, baby," he reached over and took a hold of my hand. "I love you, I wouldn’t have left unless it was absolutely necessary, I swear," He looked at me. "I swear…" he kissed the palm of my hand and looked at me with those brown eyes of his that always made me melt like butter upon his gaze.

            "Okay," I nodded.

            "Can we go for coffee?"

            "I can’t, I have to be home," I sighed.

            He sighed, "Astra, this is…" He slammed his hands down on the steering wheel, "This is bullshit!! FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!"

            I winced the moment his voice raised, I swallowed nervously.

            "God, we always have to be in secret and you always have to home, god, you’re almost a grown woman for Christ’s sake, you shouldn’t need to be living like a fucking hermit. You’re my fucking girlfriend!" he yelled. "I’m sick of never being able to see you because of your fucking mother and what she’d think!!! OR what your father would think – this fucking stepfather I’ve never even seen!!"

            I got out of the car. "Call me when you’re ready to stop yelling."

            "Look, I didn’t mean to yell I just—"

            "Isaac, look, you don’t KNOW what I go through, okay?! You don’t know my fucking mother! You know nothing about what I go through with her."

            "Then tell her about us, let me actually speak with her!! Let me fucking know her!!"

            "No! Look I have to go," I blinked tears, I slammed the door shut and began stomping down the street. He drove along at my side, rolled the window down.

            "Astra! Just get in the car…" He pleaded.

            "No! You had no right to yell at me. God! I slept with you!! I fucking slept with you last night because I love you and all you can do is fucking complain!! I’m sorry if my mother is a big fucking inconvenience to you!! I’m sorry I can’t be fucking perfect!!" I headed across a field where I knew he couldn’t follow me. He didn’t try to follow me, I stomped home, having taken the long route it took forever to get there. Mom was pissed that I was late, I didn’t care, I went straight to my room, silently, I told her I didn’t want any dinner. Great, now I’d had my first official fight with my boyfriend and it wasn’t an easy one to put right.

            I waited, anxious for his phone call, for his apology, it didn’t arrive, I had almost written off getting one until half nine that night, I heard a tap at my window as I was laying watching ‘Frasier’ in my room. I rolled over onto my side and faced the window, he was looking through, his expression grim and pleading.

            I sighed and got up, I unlocked the window and let him in.

            "Look," He sighed, "I didn’t mean to get you in a tizzy, I was mad, okay, it seems like we’re forever hiding or having to be in secret," He sighed, "Half of the time, you’re unable to be out…it….it’s complicated, y’know…" he explained.

            I sat down slowly, "it’s not anymore complicated than you being famous and me having to keep us a secret," I sighed.

            He looked down at me.

            "It’s not any different. We have to be in secret, we have to hide, we have to do everything in secrecy, right?"

            "I guess you’re right…" he sat down slowly, "but look, I love you, and I’m…willing to be patient with anything…"
            "Ike…how is this gonna work," I sighed, "I Mean…we’re from two different places, you’re famous, always away on tour and stuff…"

            "We’ll make it work, we love each other, we’ll make it work," He pulled his arms and hugged me.

            I knew I’d tried to break up with him right then, that had been why I had tried to say it wouldn’t work. I suddenly knew Zac was going to win one way or another.

 

*           *           *           *           *

Friday 12^th November 1999

            With just over 24 hours until Isaac’s party, I didn’t know what I was going to do, how I was going to get out of the house, I kept praying for something to happen, I doubted it would. At school, I was a nervous wreck, always looking over my shoulder, expecting Vikki and her posse to strike at any moment. I tried to walk sideways so I could keep an eye on both ends of the hall at once, Reece suspected what was going on but she didn’t say anything thank god. I didn’t want my best friend to think I was weak.

            I had noticed since I had begun to go out with Isaac that Kathy and Karen had pretty much more or less edged away, I don’t know if it was because there was no fun in me dating an adult, those two were the kind who enjoyed being their age and didn’t care much for the serious stuff. But I had to give Reece credit – she was still around, she was still my friend and she was still there for me, even after all that had happened.

            I had detention in school for being late for a class. The day probably couldn’t have gotten any worse. I guess. Until I got home at least.

            I walked into the house quietly, and put my backpack on the hook on the wall and headed into the living room where I expected to find my mother sitting quietly watching television.

            That wasn’t quite what I saw.

            My mother was sitting on a chair primly, not looking too happy – not that I had ever seen her happy so I didn’t have much to base in comparison but she looked more unhappy than usual. On the couch, was a man in his late thirties, with green eyes, and thick blonde hair, he had a tan, large hands, and a crooked nose. I stood silent, not sure what to say for a moment.

            "Uhm…I’m home," I said to my mom, trying to make it sound casual. This was the first time in history I could vaguely remember having my mom bring a man home.

            The man stood, he was tall, taller than me, taller than even Isaac was, he loomed over me, he was lean, with broad shoulders, and there was something handsome about his features. He was looking at me with such surprise, he stepped closer and I took a step back nervously.

            "Astra…" He gave a nervous laugh, he stepped closer, "wow…"
            Mom stood, "Astra…" she softly sighed, "your dad came home for a visit," she gave a nervous laugh and looked away. I’d never seen my mother look so uncomfortable.

            I gaped, this was the dad I hadn’t seen for nine years? I couldn’t even remember much of my childhood with him in my life. I stare at this stranger, that’s what it felt like, he was a stranger.

            My mother cleared her throat, "I’m…going to go check on dinner," she uttered quietly and left the room slowly, with her head down.

            She left me with this strange man who I had no real recollection of ever being related to. My heart was pounding fiercely, I felt weak in the knees, I was almost so nervous I was trembling. I couldn’t help but stare at this man and wonder what to say.

            "How…how have you been?" my father asked me nervously, I looked at him.

            David Bennett had run out on my mother when I was five, why, I am not exactly sure. I wasn’t sure if he’d tell me if I asked.

            "What do you care?" I demanded, I slumped down into the chair my mother had been sitting, I folded my arms, deciding to be an utter brat to him.

            He looked at me, "Don’t be this way," He knelt in front of my chair.

            I looked away, "where the fuck have you been for the last nine years?!" I demanded.

            "Don’t swear," He frowned, "and where I’ve been is no concern," he shrugged, "I came to visit."

            "Why?! You never have before. You’ve never even called to find out how I was!! Not on my birthday!! Not at Christmas!! Not even to say hi!" I stood up and walked over to the window and looked outside, folding my arms.

            "Astra…what happened then was a long time ago…" he uttered softly. "I’m here now."

I stood, shaking with anger. How could he just come back and expect to be all friendly and stuff. He ran out on us, he hadn’t tried to be in contact. As far as I knew I had no dad.

I felt his hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged out of his touch and walked over to the other side of the room, "don’t!" I frowned. "You ran out on us! Why?!" I demanded.

My father frowned, "I ran out on you?" he questioned. "I didn’t run out on you…"
            "Oh yeah?" I demanded, "then where the fuck have you been since I was five? Just down the street?!?" I screamed, tears burning my eyes.

He tried to remain, "Astra…" He walked over and led me to a chair and made me sit, he knelt before me, he looked at me, "I never ran out on you…your mother…she…" he trailed off with a sigh, his eyes low.

"She what?"

"She threw me out…told me to never come back…" he looked at me, "I didn’t want to leave you, I swear," He put his hands on my hands, and I pulled them away, looking away. I didn’t know what to believe. My mother had always told me Dad had run out on us. Now he was saying she forced him out, she ran him out of the house. Why? Why would she lie about it?

He looked at me, "Astra," He murmured, "I swear…I swear this is the truth."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Why what?"
            "Why did she run you out."

"Because she’s cold, honey, she doesn’t love anyone, she has no heart, she has no compassion…" he explained.

Why did that sound so familiar? God, it was true, she didn’t love anyone, she had no heart – no compassion. He was telling the truth, I believed him. I looked at him, tears burning my eyes like acid. Everything kept building up, I felt like I was going to explode into a puddle of emotions onto the floor.

Dad looked at me, and I felt that flood of emotions and I threw myself into his arms, crying. You have no idea how it felt for me, when his arms wrapped around me and held me. I felt warm and protected – and loved. Loved by a parent, which is all I had ever wanted. I held on for all it was worth, appreciating it for what it was – real affection I wasn’t used to receiving from a parent.

God, I can’t believe this, Dad is home, I thought, I breathed in the scent of my dad’s cologne just to make sure he was real. He was, very real.

I heard my mother cough distractedly, and I moved away from dad, wiping my tears.

"Astra, go do your homework…" my mother commanded.

"But—" I wanted to tell her I wanted to spend time with my dad while he was here, I wanted to be with him every moment and not let him out of my sight again for fear I would never see him again. I think she knew that, but as always, what she says goes.

"Go do your homework, he’s staying for dinner, now move."

I sighed and gave dad one last look, then I went upstairs into my room, upon entry, I picked up the phone and dialled Reece’s number, I waited.

"Hello," came her tone finally.

"Reece, it’s me," my voice all shaken and excited.

"Astra, hi, wassup, why are breathing all funny? Are you okay??" Reece asked in concern.

            "Reece, my dad is home…"
            "Your…dad…"

            "He’s home," I practically screamed, "My dad is back!! He’s back!!"
            "Whoah…that’s great…"

            "If he leaves I want to go with him," I stated.

            "Oh my god…you can’t…" Reece groaned.

            "Why not?"

            "Because you’re my best friend, what would I do without you??" she asked.

            I sighed, "but I mean…my mom…she doesn’t WANT me. My dad acts like he does…"

            I heard Reece’s mother calling her from the other end of the phone.

            "Shit, I gotta go, I’ll stop over at your house tomorrow, okay?" Reece asked, "and we can talk about how we’re gonna get you out for the party," she whispered.

            "Okay," I agreed, "See you then."

            "Bye," Reece hung up.

            I quickly did my homework not caring if the answers were right or not, and rushed downstairs, dinner was ready by this time. Me, mom and dad sat and had dinner for the first time in my life as I could recall.

It felt strangely normal. My mother acted less cold than usual and spoke to dad, actually had a conversation with him, she barely ever uttered two words to me ever and she had a full conversation with him. I found myself wondering if she still loved him – if she’d ever loved him. I wish my mom spoke about those things to me. I hardly knew her, I didn’t know much about her.

            After dinner, we all retired into the living room together, and I sat down on the easy chair, watched my mother and father – how strange it seemed to think of both those together – sit on the couch next to each other.

            "Do you still have the album," Dad looked at my mother.

Mom looked at him, "what album."
"The one with our song on it," he stated.

"Our song…" mom trailed off, looking a million miles away.

"What song?" I questioned.

Dad gave a dashing smile, and went over to the entertainment system cabinet and pulled the door open and began searching through the record albums, he pulled out a record and put it on the record player carefully, he began swaying as the soft bass guitar from the Temptations ‘My Girl’ began to fill the room.

I smirked.

            "C’mon, Carmel, for old times sake," He smiled. He walked over to my mother and pulled her up, slipping one arm around her waist, she gave a laugh and tried to pull back but eventually gave in, and the two danced, smiles on their faces – the first time I had ever seen my mother smile like that- eye contact infinitely made. It was a wonderful sight. It made me feel somewhat gooey. Was it possible my parents would get back together again? Only time would tell, I told myself.

*           *           *           *           *

 

Saturday 13^th November, 1999

 

            As promised, Reece arrived the next day just a little after midday, and just as me and Reece were entering my bedroom, my phone rang, I threw myself down on my bed and picked up the phone. 

            “Hello?”
            “Hi, can I speak to Astra please?” Came Taylor’s quiet and polite reply.

            “It’s me,” I stated.

            “Hey, it’s Taylor.”

            “Hi, Tay,” I smiled a little, “what’s up?”
            “Not much, you know tonight is the night, right?”

            “Yep.”

            “Okay, just making sure.  You remember the time, right?”

            “Seven?” I asked.

            “You have a good memory,” He chuckled.

            “Yep.”

            “So you’ll be there?”

            “Definitely.”

            “That’s great, okay, I gotta go, we’re gonna go make last minute preparations, see you there at seven, okay?” Taylor asked.

            “Okay,” I said cheerfully, and then uttered “bye” and hung up quickly and threw my face into the pillow.  “Shit shit shit!!” I screamed into it.

            “So that was Taylor?” Reece asked.

            “Yeah, he was making sure I’m coming…” I sighed, “Oh god, seven hours away, what am I going to do.”
            “Tell your mom it’s a friend’s going away party…”

            “That won’t work, I’m grounded…” I sighed.  I was about to say something else but my mom knocked at the door, calling my name.

            “Astra??”

            “Yeah, mom, what?” I asked, I sat up.

            Mom walked in, and looked at me, “I’m going out tonight…”
            “You are?” I asked.

            “With your father.”

            I gaped, “You are?”

            “Yes, we’re leaving at six thirty, so you can have Reece sleep over to keep you company – otherwise I’ll call Charlotte to babysit…”

            “No..that’s okay…Reece can stay, right?” I turned around and quickly looked at Reece.

            Reece pulled on her sweetest smile and batted her long eyelashes, “Of course.”

            “Okay, I have to go to the store now and I’ll be back soon…” My mother nodded, and left the room.

            I spun around, “Oh my god!!” I whispered, “I can’t believe it, what LUCK.”

            “So you’ll be sneaking out?” Reece asked.

            I put my hand over her mouth in case my mother was still around, but I gave a nod and smirked, then took my hand away slowly.

            “Awesome,” Reece grinned, “but how do you know when they’re gonna be home?”

            “I’ll have to chance it, I have a few ideas, c’mon…” I said. 

            Me and Reece went to all the trouble of recording our voices on my mom’s computer downstairs, we recorded them to wav format, then converted them onto CD track and burned them onto a CD, we had laughing, whispering voices, talking, giggling, singing, everything we thought we’d need, then we checked my room door lock and made sure it was sturdy enough to hold.  My mother came three hours later – not usual for her when she took her detours to the supermarket.

Reece went home and got her stuff, and came back with them.  We ate dinner with my mom, then my mom quickly went to get ready, me and Reece nervously whispering how much fun this party was going to be.  My dad arrived at quarter past six – early – and I let him in.  He spoke with me and Reece, he joked with us, and when my mom came down the stairs I could not believe it – she was in an elegant black dress, looking beautiful, her hair loose, earrings on, make up more dramatic than usual, she looked gorgeous, I just could not believe this was my mother.  Obviously there was more to this going out with my dad than I thought.  I realised it had to have been a date they were going on.  I was feeling excited at the prospects of my mother and father getting together again, then I’d be part of a real family, maybe things would change.

Mom and dad – how strange it seemed to think of them as mom and dad - left together at twenty five minutes past six, which gave me and Reece enough time to quickly run upstairs, get into our party outfits, Reece pulled on a pair of leather pants and a blue shirt, I pulled on red sparkly dress that had a swooping collar coming down over my chest, it almost looked like something from the seventies, my mother would have killed me if she’d found out I’d borrowed it from Charlotte. 

I put the CD me and Reece had made earlier on my CD player loud enough to sound as if we were really in the room, and I put it on repeat, on random track so that it didn’t sound like the same cd playing over in the same way, hopefully that would fool my mother into thinking I was in the room with Reece.  We locked the door, and just to be safe, wedged it shut with a chair under the handle.  With everything in check, we climbed out the window carefully, and we headed to the Queen Charlotte Rooms.

Upon our arrival – at quarter past seven – Zac greeted us, smiling warmly at Reece, then throwing me a look which I could tell was a threat.

“Excuse me,” I said quietly and I went to find company elsewhere, knowing that the minute Reece was with Zac she would forget all about me. 

I felt butterflies in the pit of my stomach again – not the nice ones.  I felt nauseated, and shaky.

“Astra, dear, I’m so glad you could come.”

            Mrs. Hanson hurried to where I was smiling, she hugged me – it felt nice to be hugged by an adult, Mrs. Hanson was always so motherly to everyone. 

            “Hi, Mrs. Hanson,” I smiled brightly, beginning to feel less ill than I had moments earlier, I worked through it, knowing it was nerves.

            “He’ll be here any moment, I can’t wait to see the look on his face,” Diana smirked.

            I feigned a laugh, and watched as Taylor came running through to the hall, “He’s coming, everyone be quiet!” he warned, and the lights were turned off quickly, we all stood around in the dark for about six minutes, until Isaac finally entered the room, chattering to his father, asking him why they’d come here, why he couldn’t have just waited in the car or something.

            Then the lights came on and everyone cried out ‘surprise’ and Isaac just about fell back in real shock, his eyes bulging.  The expression on his face was priceless.  For the next two hours, everything was mostly a blur of happy birthdays, presents, laughter, hugs and music.

Finally, I managed to corner him when no one was bugging him, I gave him his birthday present, which was a silver ring, a little thicker than the one he always wore on his left hand’s middle finger and he smiled, it had been our first real moment alone since the last time we’d seen each other.  I pecked his lips and hugged him, “Happy birthday,” I murmurred.

He smiled and moved back a little to get a view of the wrapped box, he pulled the paper off carefully, clicked the box open and stared at the ring, “oh wow,” he smiled. 

I chewed my lip, it probably looked cheap but it was all I could afford on a fourteen year olds allowance.

“I love it,” He smiled, he took the ring from the box and put it on the middle finger of his right hand, and smiled, looking at it, then he smiled at me, “Thanks,” he kissed my forehead and hugged me.  All the while, I could feel Zachary’s eyes burning right into me.  Isaac looked at me, “You look great, you know.  You coming like this is the best present yet,” he teased.

I laughed, “I know, I know, I’m too sexy for my dress,” I said, and I jokingly pinged the elastic adjustable straps, giggling.

He laughed, “You wanna dance?”

“Love to,” I smiled.

He took my hand and led the way to the dance floor, and wrapped his arms around my waist.  I felt like the  moment then would be endless, and I rested my head on his shoulder, holding onto his arms, swaying with him.  He’d chosen to ask me to dance just as Big Runga’s ‘Sway’ began to play.  I smiled, I liked the song.  I closed my eyes and let the music guide my feet, and let Isaac’s arms pull me closer, it felt so special.

 

And there’s no cure and no way to be sure

My everything’s turned inside out

I’m still in so much doubt

It makes me so tired

I feel so uninspired

My head is battling with my heart

My logic has been torn apart

And Now it all turns sour

Come sweeten every afternoon

Say you’ll say

Don’t come and go like you do

Sway my way

Yeah, I need to know all about you

 

            I listened to every word of the song, every note, every beat, and when I opened my eyes I saw Zac standing with Reece, Reece chatting away excitedly to him, but he looked at me, and I could tell he was questioning me, he raised an eyebrow, and folded his arms, then looked away from me, I felt my heart begin to beat faster. 

            Zac walked over as the song was ending, “Hey, you two,” He greeted.

            “Hey,” Isaac smiled.

            “Hi,” I looked down nervously.

            “So, what’s up?” Zac asked.

            “Nothing, just enjoying the party,” Isaac smiled.

            Don’t do it, Zac, don’t do it, I thought desperately, I clenched my fists, standing still, hoping to god he wasn’t going to say it.

            “So…Isaac, did she tell you yet?” Zac asked.

            “Tell me?  Tell me what?” Isaac asked in confusion.

            “You mean she didn’t?” Zac feigned shock and then tutted.

            “She didn’t tell me what?” Isaac looked at his younger brother.

            I wanted to run, I wanted to run but my feet felt glued to the floor, Isaac’s brown eyes glanced back at me, questioning what this was about, I could only look down, my heartbeat increasing, my breath getting faster.

            “Dude, she’s fourteen.”

            Isaac fell completely silent, right then, it seemed like the whole room had, Isaac was standing there, I didn’t even know what the expression was on his face because I couldn’t look up, I was so frozen in terror, I didn’t know what to do.

            About a moment later, after the initial shock had sunk in, Isaac spun around on his heel and stormed out of the place, only then, was I able to move, I watched the love of my life walk out on me, I turned to Zac.

            “YOU BASTARD!!” I spat at him, I went to hit him but he caught my arm.

            “You brought this on yourself,” He said calmly.

            I used my free hand to slap him, then I wriggled out of his grasp and ran after Isaac, I caught him in the hallway halfway down the staircase.  “Ike!” I called out.

            He stopped, and turned around, looked at me, his eyes full of anger, “Tell me he’s lying, just tell me he’s fucking lying!!”

            I stood motionless, my hand on the banister, I felt my eyes tearing up, I prayed in thought that god would stop Isaac from walking out on me.

            God, what had I expected?  Did I expect Isaac would be okay with this, that he would embrace me with loving arms and say he didn’t care about any age difference, or that he could be arrested for this.

            Isaac went down the last few steps and stood in the downstairs hallway, head in his hands for a moment, “I don’t believe this…I do not fucking believe this,” He turned around and looked up at me, “How could you do this?!  How could you?!”

            “I didn’t mean to…”
            “You didn’t mean to?!  You didn’t mean to tell me you were fucking seventeen when you were really only fourteen?!!” he demanded, “for gods sake, Astra!!! I got involved with you – I got fucking sexually involved!” he screamed at me, “I gave it up cos I thought you loved me!! You fucking lied!!” He yelled.

             I burst into tears, “Ike…please…” I sobbed.

            “No!! God, I can’t believe you did this!!  You realise I could get fucking arrested?!  Jailed?!” he demanded.  “I’m gonna end up fucking jailed for statutory rape!  God, do you know something like that couldn’t just get me into deep shit with the courts, your mother could sue me!! I could end up losing my career over this!!””

            “It wasn’t rape!!” I cried.

            “The law says it is!!” Isaac looked at me, his eyes beginning to water, “Just keep away from me,” he muttered, his voice cracking under the emotion, he left the building, I heard his car drive way outside and I sat on the steps and cried my eyes out, my heart breaking there and then.

            A few moments later, Reece came and sat beside me, put her arm around me.

            “Hey,” she murmured.

            I cried, not able to speak, tears would not stop, the just flowed and flowed like a river.

            “I hit Zac and told him he was an asshole,” Reece stated.  “He should never have done that…”

            It took some time before I could be calmed down enough to get home with Reece helping me, my tears were almost all cried out, it was half ten when we got to my house, after having climbed up the rose trellis. I turned off the CD player, feeling worn and empty, and I changed into the clothes I’d been wearing earlier that day, I sat on my bed, feeling bitter.

            I checked my phone, just in case Isaac had phoned, but he hadn’t.  I couldn’t believe it was over… I just couldn’t.

            Reece fell asleep after midnight – mom wasn’t home yet.  I heard mom come in at 2am and she went straight to her bedroom.  I got up slowly and crept down the hall and knocked on her door.

            “Mom?” I asked, my voice all emotional and shaky.

            My mom opened the door, and looked at me, she hadn’t even had time to get herself changed for bed.  I looked at her, fresh tears beginning to spill.

            “What is it?” she asked looking at me, not understanding why I was crying.

            I burst out into tears, not being able to take it any longer, my mom stood there, almost helplessly for a moment or two, then she did something I will never forget.  She put her arms around me and hugged me, she felt frail and light as she did, but she hugged me.  Not the fierce affection hugs Diana Hanson gave, but it felt ten times better, I had never been hugged by her before, it felt like winning a million dollars after living a life of enormous debt.  I hugged her back, crying harder than I ever had before.  It felt like coming home.

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

Sunday 14^th October 1999

 

            I sat pondering most of the night about what I would say to him when I saw him again, I realised I would have to do a lot of hunting to find him. 

When the next day came, I had already called his house three times, twice Zac had answered the phone twice – and hung up on me.  The third time I had called the house, Mrs. Hanson had answered – obviously she had known about everything that had happened.

            “Astra…dear…” she began, clearing her throat a little.

            “Please, Mrs. Hanson, I really need to talk to Isaac,” I tried to hold back tears, my voice was full of grief.

            “Astra, I…don’t want to be mean…or make you feel any worse than you probably do already, but it is best you don’t call us anymore…”

            “Please Mrs. Hanson…I really need to talk to him…” I cried.

            Diana Hanson’s voice quavered on the other end of the phone, then finally she said, “Isaac…is very upset…he doesn’t want to speak to anyone right now…”

            “Can’t I come over?” I questioned, sniffling.

            “I’m afraid not, he’s not home anyway…”

            “Where is he?” I asked worriedly.

            “I have no idea,” There was sincerity in her voice, I trusted her to be honest.

            “Mrs. Hanson, please understand, I never meant to hurt anyone…or cause trouble…” I sniffled, I realised I was beginning to sound more my age with every word, I felt like I was fourteen, rather than seventeen, it was the first time through this whole ordeal I head really known my identity.

            “I know sweetie.  Love can make…anyone…do crazy things…” she tried to comfort me somehow in her own motherly way she did.
            “Yeah,” I sighed, I sobbed softly, “Thanks, Mrs. Hanson…” I swallowed, “Bye.”

            “Bye, sweetie.”

            When Mrs. Hanson hung up, I felt my heart deflate.

I went out on my quest to find my love.  It was raining, the sky was dull and the wind was blowing, it felt like winter.  I walked around the town, my feet hurt, but I kept on going, I found Isaac nowhere, I began to grow more weary and heart broken with every step.  I went to everywhere me and Isaac had ever been together, everywhere I could think of, even went to the studio but no one had seen him that day.

            Finally, my heart just sunk, I sat on the sidewalk and put my hands to my face and cried like a lost child.  That’s how I felt.  Without Isaac I felt I was lost.

            Just then, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I raised my eyes, found myself looking into the undeniably blue eyes of Taylor.

            “Taylor,” I sniffed, I wiped my cheeks, looking at him.

            “You’re looking for him, huh?”
            “Yeah,” I couldn’t stop sniffling.

            He helped me up from where I was sitting at the side of the road, and he led me towards a car, “C’mon.”

I didn’t say a single word, Taylor sat me in his car and drove – I realised it was the same car Isaac had been driving me around in – the Black VW Jetta.  I sat silent.

“He’s…really torn up,” Taylor said, trying to concentrate on the road, the rain pelting at the windscreen, the streets damp and dark.

“I never meant—“ I tried to explain.

“I know,” He nodded.  “Love…is a weird thing, isn’t it?” He asked.

“Yeah,” I whispered.

Taylor drove to the beach and parked by the wall, turned the ignition off, there ahead, sitting on that rock me and Isaac had once sat on together, now Isaac sat alone, his hair flapping about in the wind, he was wearing a dark blue wind breaker and jeans, watching the waves crashing against the sand.

I glanced at Taylor, “Thanks, Tay,” I murmured.

He smiled, “I’ll wait here for you, okay?” he asked.

“Okay,” I nodded, I got out and climbed over the wall and walked down the sand until I reached his rock.  He knew I was there, he didn’t turn, but I could tell by the stirring in his body that he knew.  I climbed up onto the rock and sat beside him.

“What’s up?” I asked quietly.

He gave a feigned nonchalant shrug and hugged his knees.

“I know…you’re mad at me…” I sighed.

“Damn fucking right,” he muttered, he kept his eyes on the water, never turning to look at me.

“I only did what I did because I cared about you…I didn’t want to lose you…” I tried to explain.

“A bit selfish, aren’t you?” He spat, he looked in the opposite direction so I was well out of his sight.

             “Isaac…”

            “What?!” he demanded, he turned and looked at me, he shook his head and looked away again, sighing.  “I trusted you dammit..fuck, I just still cannot believe you fucking did this to me…”

            “Stop swearing at me…” I held back tears.

            Isaac kept his eyes away from mines.

            “You know why you were so damn important to me?” I demanded.

            “Why?!” He demanded to know.

            “Because you’re the only person who actually cared about me!!!” I frowned.  “And you cant’ deny you cared.  You know you cared…you know you do,” I muttered, I looked away.

            “Y’know what?” He asked softly, “You’re right, I do care about you,” he shook his head in disgrace.  “But I can’t love you.  Not anymore.”

            “Ike…” I chewed my lip, “Don’t…don’t do this…we can keep it a secret.”

“Astra,” he sighed, “you knew it wouldn’t last forever, you’ll find someone else, someone your own age, someone who can be with you…”

“Don’t speak to me like I’m a fucking kid!” I screamed.

He looked at me, “You are though…” he reminded me.

“I wasn’t a child when you fucked me though, was I?!” I demanded.  “I wasn’t a child when you kissed me.  I am NOT a totally different person from when you loved me, Isaac.”

“Yes you are different,” he got down from the rock.  “You’re not the person I thought you were,” he looked at me.  “Believe me – I care about you, so help me I do.  But I can’t love you,” he explained.

            I sobbed, heartbroken.

            He glanced at me, his brown eyes softening.

            “I know you’re probably thinking the way all teenage girls do – that love can conquer all, that it doesn’t matter what age you are, that everything will work out somehow.  But that’s wrong.  I believe that love can conquer all, but age does matter, Astra.  I’m finished school – you’re still a little girl, you have school and proms and boyfriends to look forward to…and me, I’m on the road constantly, where I can’t be with you…” He looked at me, “Maybe…maybe in the future when things are different…”

            I looked at him – aching in the chest from all the pain in my heart he was causing my uttering each word under that soft emotional breath of his.  I got up slowly, “okay…so…” I sniffled, “this is…goodbye…”

            “Yes,” he looked away, I saw emotion in his eyes glitter, he didn’t want to say goodbye, neither did I but it had to be done.  I didn’t understand it then, but when I think back upon it I guess I do understand now.

            “So…when…do you leave?”

            “Tuesday,” His eyes fell to the ground, “the album is finished, so after a short break we’ll be going to Miami to…mix the album,” he explained.

“Will you at least write?” I questioned.

“I can try,” he shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about it but I could see he was hurting. “But…I’ll be busy…with the release of the album coming soon and everything…”

I sighed, “okay.”

            He looked at me.  “See ya…”

            “Yeah…see ya,” I sighed and I turned and headed for the car.  Taylor was sitting listening to Aretha Franklin and singing along to ‘I Say A Little Prayer’.  I got in the car and quietly uttered, “take me home…please.”

            Taylor tried to make small talk I guess to take my mind off my problems, but it didn’t work.  When he parked in front of my house, he looked at me, “He loves you,” he stated suddenly.

            I looked at Taylor, “he said he can’t.”

            “We all know he can’t,” Taylor reminded, “But…I mean…that won’t stop him from feeling it.”

            “I guess,” I sighed, “I guess I won’t see you anymore,” I sighed.

            “You never know.  Maybe when we tour we’ll send you some tickets?”

            “Okay,” I nodded.

            “Bye, Astra,” he smiled.

            “Bye.” I got of the car.  I didn’t have anymore tears to cry.  If I had I probably would have cried again.  I opened the door and went inside, my mom – and my dad – were sitting in the living room.

            I stepped in somewhat cautiously and looked at them both.  “Hi…”

            “We have some news,” My mother stated. 

            I sat down slowly, half expecting something bad.

            My dad cleared his throat, “I’m moving in.”

            Simple as that, I looked at him, “You are?”

            Mom smiled, and I felt a smile tug at my own lips and soon I was forgetting all about Isaac.  For some moments I felt happiness like I had never felt, a happiness that I hadn’t experienced from being with Isaac, I felt somewhat lifted from despair.  And my parents hugged me – we would be a family.

 

*           *           *           *           *

 

Present Day

 

 

            After that, things got infinitely better.  I felt happier, even though my heart ached for Isaac.  But life goes on.  

Its been a year now.  I’m fifteen.  Mom and dad have been together a year, and somewhat mom has been happier – she loves me, she hugs me, she spends time with me and makes me feel like I’m wanted.  I don’t know if it was really dad that made her change.  Maybe – like me – she hadn’t been able to be happy until she had found someone who would love her like dad does.  They’re happy, they’re in love, they remind me of me and Isaac sometimes.  They’re having a baby, the baby will be born in February next year.

And my life…well, my life goes on.  I have a boyfriend who is my age – his name is Richie, he’s blonde and green eyed and he adores me, although he has that boyish arrogance most guys too, sometimes he reminds me of Zac.  We’ve been going out for three weeks and we have a lot of fun together, he’s an okay kisser – although he could never be as good as Isaac is.

Reece is still my best friend, Kathy and Karen hang out with us occasionally, but Reece has always been there, she’s gotten taller, she’s grown up a lot more and she looks almost eighteen.  Seniors wink at her as they pass her by, they wink at us both.  Life is…fun.

But I still long for Isaac. 

I guess it’s hard to forget your first true love.  It’s the one that sticks in your head I suppose.  And guys like Isaac aren’t easy to come by.  He’s special, romantic, sweet, genuine.  It’s hard hearing their music on the radio without thinking of hanging out in the studio with him hearing those songs be played, or seeing Hanson on TV and watching Isaac thinking of how it felt when we made love that one time, thinking of his kiss, how he held my hand.  They’re saying he’s in a relationship now – I’m not particularly sure if this is rumour or fact but I guess I should be happy for him.

Any girl would be lucky to have him.

I think somewhat back to my mothers words, the words I explained at the beginning of my story about how life wasn’t a fairy tale.  Maybe it was, but we were the ones writing it I suppose.

And though Isaac is some other girl’s boyfriend, to me, he will always be my Prince Charming.

 

 

The End

 

 

            Ashley-Anne Douglas – November 21^st 2000.

 

 

 

 

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