This was what Taylor was talking about, the lack of spark. I really don’t feel that for Isaac. I’m not all that attracted to him as I had been to Swain. Maybe I am shallow, maybe I do just seem to go for the guys with the good looks. I have no idea anymore, I hardly know myself.

When Isaac kissed me goodbye, it was like a kiss from a movie scene, sweet, gentle, yet passionate…

And I didn’t feel anything for it, it didn’t make me weak in the knees or make my stomach churn and do flips. I know I said I’d give him a chance, but he’s growing attached while I am finding it hard to get into this relationship – if you could call it that – at all. Is there something wrong with me? Is it me? Is it him? Is it just because Taylor pointed those things out about the sparks that I’m just noticing these things about Isaac? I don’t know, I wish I knew, I wish you could talk back, Diary and give me some bloody explanations!

Night.

I’ve never felt so depressed in my life. I’ve found myself with nothing – two months or so ago, I had no job, no friends, no boyfriend, no life. Now I have all those things and yet…I still feel empty inside. I feel guilty for maybe not liking Isaac as much has he apparently likes me. He treats me like the love of his life and I treat him like a friend rather than anyone with any significance to me romantic-wise.

I stayed home today, trying to figure out what I should do. I mean, should I keep giving Isaac a chance, and wait to see if any feelings grow between us? Should I tell him it’s just not working out and I don’t want to hurt him anymore by letting him think it is. Right now I feel like I’m just trying to make him happy by going along with this.

Wish I knew what to do. I really don’t want to hurt him, he’s so sweet and he speaks to me as if I’m a princess. Something in me says I have a few choices.

1: wait and see. My feelings might change in a month or two.

2: Let him down easy, say I’ve given him it a chance but I just don’t feel the spark.

3: Just be content because I probably won’t find anyone better than him anyway. It’s not like I’m a model.

I’m going to give this a week and find out how it goes.

Dear Diary – Monday

Today I had to have a word with Jessica, it was one of those things, I had to give her a warning before her mother did. It started about 2:21pm, I was sitting playing Snakes and Ladders with Mackie and Avery – Avie was winning. Jessica had been out since 11pm, now because of summer, she was taking extra ballet classes three times a week, Monday, Wednesday and Sunday, usually they started from 11:30pm and ended around 1pm. She’d also convinced her mother to let her go and come back from the lessons on her own so she didn’t look like a child in front of her friends. Anyway, back to my story, we were playing snakes and ladders Jessica wandered in, she had a nervous look on her face, she was wearing a jacket and a scarf.

In this weather? I thought to myself.

"Jess, is…something wrong?" I asked.

Jessica looked at me, "Can I…uhm…talk to you about something important?" she asked in a dainty tone. She chewed on her lip, her eyes fleeting across the room nervously.

"Uh…okay," I nodded, "What about?"

"Alone," she confirmed.

"Oh…" I nodded understanding, this was personal, okay, I looked at Avery and Mackenzie. "Avie," I said, "Can you watch Zoë for a few moments?"

"Sure," she gave me her uneven toothed grin.

I trusted Avery, for nine, she was very mature, she could watch Zoë for a moment.

"Just call for me if she gives you any trouble," I said, I took Jessica by the shoulder and I led her into the hall – which was nearest – and I closed the door. "Okay, what is it?"

"Come with me," Jessica said urgently, she took a hold of my arm and she led me upstairs into the bedroom she shared with Avery. The room was unnerving – so pink! It reminded me of my Barbie doll house I had when I was eight. I hated it. I was reminded how girlish Jessica and Avery really were.

I watched Jessica close the door and she turned the latch lock quickly. That’s new.

"Where’d the lock come from?"

"I fitted it on Friday," Jessica explained. "I want my own room," she explained, "I asked my mom if we can put up a partition, she says maybe," Jessica added.

"Okay, so…" I stood with my arms folded, "what did you want to talk about?" I asked.

"Don’t go mad…" Jessica said, she slowly removed her jacket and scarf. Not surprisingly she was wearing her dark blue leotard, she’d pulled her jeans over it, she must have been absolutely sweating. Her hair platinum hair was tied in an elegant bun. But at that moment, something struck me back like a smack in the face. The girl had a lovebite on her neck!

"Jessica!!" I gasped.

She gave a whine of despair, "Jo…what am I gonna do?!"
"First of all, you tell that Ben he shouldn’t be sucking on your neck like a jawbreaker!

She gave another whine, "I know that, but what am I gonna do?! My mom is gonna kill me!"

"Okay, uhm…god, I dunno, it’s in such a noticeable place…" I commented.

"I know that," she pouted, "my mom will kill me, she doesn’t know I’m seeing Ben!"

"You really shouldn’t be letting any boy do such things…not at your age, god, I’m 20 and I wouldn’t let a boy do that," I explained.

"I know, I know, I should be ashamed, and I am, and I know it’s wrong and I’ll never do it again. But I have to do something…if my mom finds out she’ll make me be chaperoned everywhere I go, she’ll never trust me again…"

"Maybe she’d be right to," I nudged Jessica. You’ll be twelve at the end of this month, not sixteen. You should be…a kid, not a teenager," I explained.

Jessica sat down, her face glum, she reminded me of how Taylor’s face was when he’d been speaking of his confusion last Monday.

"Listen," I sat down beside her, I put my arm around her, god I feel so parental all of a sudden. "I know you’re getting more mature, I know you’re starting to like boys and you want to kiss and cuddle and all that stuff you might have used to think was gross," I explained. "But…you have to be careful, a lot of kids your age are out there having relationships which they think are serious, they’re out there with their ‘boyfriends’ getting hickeys and getting touched and kissed and…some of them are even getting pregnant."

Jessica looked at me.

"I’m serious," I said, "You could get pregnant. You have a period now, your insides are physically ready to have a baby," I explained.

"That’s kinda scary," she confessed in a timid tone.

"Yeah, so…what I’m saying is, it’s okay to have a liking to boys, but don’t let them, or yourself get carried away, okay?" I asked.

"Okay," She agreed, she looked so serious.

"And tell Ben that he mustn’t…go any further…than just a little kiss," I explained.

"I like Ben," Jessica said blushing.

"I know you do," I smiled, "But just remember what I said."

And so I helped her best I could to find a way to cover the mark on her neck, a few layers with a blemish stick, more layers with the foundation, slapping over it with some talcum powder seemed to hide it, but I cautioned Jessica it wouldn’t last forever, maybe only a couple of hours at the most, I advised her to wear her hair down and it would be less noticeable.

"You won’t tell my mom, will you," she looked at me, "Or anyone?"

"I promise I won’t," I said.

Jessica smiled, "you’re cool, y’know," she admitted.

I wish.

I’ve been nervous as fuck all day because my appointment with the doctor is today. Jessica is at a friends, Avery at ballet (Tay is picking her up) and Mackenzie fell asleep on the couch and Zoë is also asleep, so I’m finding time to write in here. Jessica’s little secret hasn’t been discovered yet – at least not to my knowledge.

So…do I think I’m pregnant? I haven’t had my period yet, it was due last week sometime, it’s been four weeks, there hasn’t been any other clues – I don’t know how it works, I haven’t had morning sickness signs or anything – I don’t know how far into pregnancy you’re supposed to get those.

I haven’t gained any weight, I’ve actually lost weight!!! Yay.

But still, that pregnancy test I took on Friday was pretty iffy, I should have it checked out by a proper doctor. My appointment is at three, I had to ask Taylor if he could come back earlier from his summer job – he’s working at McDonalds. So Taylor arranged for that. He didn’t even asked for a reason why I needed off early, he just accepted it as any friend would and kept out of my business. I was glad of that. He would probably tell Isaac – he’d see it in the way if I was pregnant with Isaac’s child it was Isaac’s right to know. I didn’t see any reason to tell anyone anything until I knew for sure if I was or not. I’m hoping not. If I am I’ll probably—

Whoops, Isaac just walked in.

Well, Isaac just walked in – he came home for lunch, he had a quick sandwich, he looked at me, I sat with him, he said, "you look troubled."

I shrugged, "Just tired I guess."

"You sure, you look like you’re nervous," he admitted.

Why wouldn’t I be? I have a doctors appointment in 2 hours that are gonna confirm if you’re a daddy or not, I thought miserably.

"I’m not nervous," I assured, I smiled, "you better hurry up and eat, you’re due back at work in fifteen minutes," I reminded.

"Shit," he muttered, "see you," he ran out the door with his sandwich.

I laughed heartily, but it felt empty. The same kind of empty I felt when I’d eaten a whole bag of funsized Snickers and still craved a king sized one.

Okay, so I’ve been to the doctors, I’m home now, its six, I’m about to have dinner. Nope, the doctor didn’t give me results, they have accurate testing that takes a few days, so now I have to wait until fucking Friday. God, how am I gonna wait another week? I already waited a week practically just for the appointment.

This has been the worst day of my life. I got stuck in a fight with Mrs. Hanson today, it’s the first time she’s actually yelled at me, it wasn’t pretty, at first, I was on my way out the door, but something stopped me, Zac was telling his mother he’d seen Jessica with a hickey on her neck. I froze in absolute terror. I watched as Mrs. Hanson ran up the stairs and I heard her yelling at Jessica, Jessica was crying, she was promising it’d never happen again but Mrs. Hanson was not happy. Jessica must have admitted that I had helped her hide it because the next thing I know I was being pulled into the kitchen and being yelled at for not telling Mrs. Hanson in the first place.

"She was embarrassed," I explained.

"You should have told me!" she yelled, frustrated with me.

"I’m sorry…" I trailed off.

"If she’s doing that god knows what else she’s doing!" Mrs. Hanson shook her head in disgrace, "and you’d rather have her trust than tell her own mother about her mistakes."
"Mrs. Hanson, I gave her a lecture, I told her about how she should be a kid while she can and how she should not let anyone get carried away with her, that she’s not a teenager yet and she should be careful. And I explained about the possibilities of pregnancy and everything else…she knows she did a bad thing…"

"That is for ME, to teach her about, not you!" Mrs. Hanson screamed at me. "I’m her mother and I have a right to know anything that goes on this house…YOU are just a babysitter, not a part of this family!!"

I felt myself sliding down in my chair, I was so sure I was going to get fired, when Jessica walked in, her face streaked with tears. "Mom…" her voice quivered.

Mrs. Hanson looked at her daughter in anger, "what?!" she demanded.

"I forced Jo to promise to not tell," Jessica stated calmly, I raised my eyebrow, I wouldn’t’ say she forced me.

"You forced her," Mrs. Hanson rolled her eyes, "and how could you have any influence on this girl to force her to lie for you?" she demanded in a haughty tone.

Jessica glanced at me, guilty face and then looked back at her mother, "I told her that if she told you about the hickey, I’d tell you she had sex with Ike," Jessica commented.

I gaped, Jessica turned and looked at me and mouthed ‘sorry.’ Oh my god, I could not believe she’d just said that.

Mrs. Hanson’s eyes widened and she glanced at me in complete astonishment. "Is this true?"

I glanced at Jessica, frowning a little, I realised of course if Mrs. Hanson had a reason to be angry with me, Jessica’s punishment might be less severe, I’d distract her from the real problem with creating another.

"Yeah," I answered sheepishly, and at this point it didn’t really strike me how Jessica would possibly have known that I had, unless she’d just made a lucky guess.

Mrs. Hanson looked at Jessica, "go to your room," she instructed.

"Yes, ma’am," Jessica said quietly and left the room.

I was sitting low in my chair, looking at Mrs. Hanson, I was so embarrassed and scared at that moment, I think she could see it.

I don’t suppose Isaac could have picked a worst moment to walk in.

"Hi," he said cheerfully, but the look on his mothers expression made the smile drop right off his face in a second. "Uhm…" he trailed off, "what’s…going on?"

Diana looked at him, "Sit down," she commanded.

Isaac seemed to know that tone too well, "wait…what have I done?" he asked, his brow knitted to a frown, the first time I had seen Isaac distraught.

"Jessica just told me that you and Jolene had sex," Mrs. Hanson folded her arms, she looked away from both of us, I felt a chill run up my spine.

Isaac’s breath drew in sharp as if he were about to gasp, he glanced at me, I kept my eyes glued to Mrs. Hanson.

"Uhm…that’s personal," Isaac finally managed.

God you have a way with words, I thought.

"It’s true?"

"Yes, but I don’t see what it has to do with anything."

"Jessica has a hickey, your little girlfriend here knew about it but didn’t tell me, Jessica blackmailed her, told her if Jolene told me she had a hickey, she would tell me that you and Jolene slept together," Mrs. Hanson explained, her voice was a growl now. I shivered, I felt like crying. I knew this would happen, I knew I was right, I had told Isaac his mother wouldn’t like this.

"How’d she find out?" Isaac glanced to me, I gave a shrug, still looking at Mrs. Hanson.

"This better have not been going on when you were supposed to be working," Mrs. Hanson looked at me, squinting her eyes a bit.

"No, Mrs. Hanson, it wasn’t," I assured. "It wasn’t a one night stand either," I lied, I didn’t want her thinking I was a slut, that I slept with her son without even having been on a date with him. "Me and Isaac had been serious about each other for a while," I lied, I felt with every lie, I was falling further and further into a hole that I would never be able to climb out of. I was getting myself into deeper shit.

"Why wasn’t I made aware of this?"

Isaac had that look on his face that said he wasn’t even aware of this, out of Mrs. Hanson’s view I kicked his foot.

"Uhm…we didn’t think you’d understand, because…y’know…it’s sort of like dating someone you work with," Isaac explained, he glanced at me curiously.

"You should know me better than that. I just wish you hadn’t kept this a secret, maybe then Jessica couldn’t have used it to blackmail you and you could have told me about the hickey," Mrs. Hanson looked at me. "I’m a fair person. I am angry that you hid this from me, yes, but, I can tell you’re wondering if you’re fired for all this. No, you’re not fired. But I don’t want another event like this happening, if Jessica comes home with a hickey or home without her virginity, I want you to report to me promptly, understood?" she questioned, there was a tone of authority in her voice.

"Understood," I said with a nod.

Isaac looked at me, I felt his eyes burning into me, I looked away, I couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen now, now he would expect that I was more serious about him than I’d expressed. And Mrs. Hanson thought we were a real couple, and now, I was going to be stuck in a relationship with him simply because of Jessica’s bluff and my lies. God, what have I done! I must be crazy.

I hate my life.

Jessica stayed at a friends last night, she walked out after her mom yelled at her more for the hickey and the blackmail thing, I found this out this morning from Zac, I looked at Zac, I stated…

"You caused more trouble than you prevented."

"She’s my sister, I gotta look out for her."

"Then you should have mentioned something to her, instead of saying something to your mum, now I’m in deep shit," I sighed.

"Sorry…" Zac trailed off, he sounded it, "What deep shit you in?"

"Doesn’t matter now," I explained.

When Zac left to go over to his girlfriends to help her configure her new Modem or something along those lines, Jessica arrived home, she took one look at me and her face went red. She walked over slowly. "Hi," she said quietly.

I looked away, "Hi," I said, I continued with doing the dishes from Lunch.

"You mad at me?"

"Furious."

"Jo, I’m sorry, it just came out, I wasn’t thinking straight, my mom wouldn’t have believed that I could make you promise…"

"I would have found some way to get you out of trouble…now me and Ike are kind of in trouble," I sighed.

"How come? I mean you’re grown ups…"

"Jessica…how did you find out that I slept with Isaac…"

"I made it up…" Jessica trailed off, "why? Is it true?"

"That’s really none of your business," I remarked coldly, I knew I was being unkind, but she had to learn she couldn’t spill things out like that.

"I’m sorry," Jessica looked at me with pleading eyes, "Please don’t hate me," she begged.

I knew Jessica couldn’t possibly understand how much trouble this had all caused, according to her, she probably thought me and Isaac were in a serious relationship, she probably hadn’t known we were just seeing each other and now because of her meddling to get herself out of trouble and to get me out of trouble in some way, she’d nudged everything forwards and now I had to either pretend to be in a relationship just for Mrs. Hanson’s eyes…

Or worse…

I had to pretend to be happy in a relationship with Isaac, when I really wasn’t satisfied with the way things were going.

I looked at her, "I don’t hate you. But you shouldn’t go making up things like that, I know you thought you were getting me out of trouble but—"

"I caused more trouble than I should have, I know…Isaac went nuts. He’s not talking to me."

"No wonder…" I trailed off, "Jessica, I promised I wouldn’t tell your mom about you and Ben and the hickey and I didn’t, you should have used my example and not told her about me and Isaac…it’s complicated things."

"How?" Jessica asked.

"Let’s just say it has," I said, "You’re too young to really understand why," I added, I didn’t believe my own words, I knew she would understand what I meant if I explained how it had complicated things, but I didn’t want to explain it to her. God I needed someone to talk to.

"Where’s Taylor?" I asked, glancing at her.

"Working, I think, either that or he’s playing basketball, he’s usually back by four," Jessica pointed out.

"Okay. Go clean your room or something," I commanded, I needed time alone to think.

"are you still mad."

"Yes, but I’ll feel better if you give me some time to think," I assured. With that, Jessica left. I did the dishes and waited hoping Taylor would come home. He came home earlier than I anticipated and I was glad.

"Tay," I said, I stood up, completely relieved to see him, we’d all been watching TV.

"Hi," he smiled, then he noticed the complete serious tired and worried look on my face, "Something wrong?"

"Yes," I said quietly, me and Taylor slipped out of the room and we sat on the staircase, I sighed, "I have a serious problem, Tay."

"Really?"

"Yeah, did you hear about what happened yesterday?"

"Yeah…but why is it a problem."

"Because I lied…I was just seeing Ike, I wasn’t serious about him, and I had to lie to your mother about it just so she wouldn’t think I was a slut for sleeping with him before even dating him," I explained.

"But that wasn’t any of her business anyway, she probably wouldn’t have asked…" Taylor trailed off.

"Yeah, I know, but now Isaac probably thinks I’m serious about him too," I sighed.

"I’m not gonna lie to you, Isaac thinks he’s in love and now he thinks you have some serious feelings for him…and now he considers you his girlfriend, he told me last night…"

"But I don’t want to be his girlfriend, Tay," I broke into a sob, "I don’t even like him that way, there’s no spark…"

"Hey, hey, why you crying?" He asked, "Its not all that bad, I’m sure this can all be cleared up…" Taylor assured, he rubbed my shoulder.

"No it can’t! Isaac’s gonna be hurt, you said it yourself, he thinks he’s in love and he thinks I have those feelings too, and there’s so many more complications and I’m gonna be stuck in this forever and now I might be pregnant!" I cried into my hands.

Taylor pulled my hands from my face and looked at me, "Pregnant?!" he asked, "You…you’re joking…"

"No!" I pushed his hands away, "god why would I joke about that?!" I demanded, almost angry.

"I’m sorry, I just…you don’t know for sure?" he cut himself off unsurely.

"No…" I sniffed, trying to wipe my eyes on my sleeve, "I took a test but it was iffy and I don’t find out from the doctor until tomorrow," I explained.

"What you gonna do if you are?"

"I don’t know…your mother will probably fire me…Isaac might find that an excuse to get married or something…"

"Knowing Isaac…that’s probably true, I mean you haven’t dated long enough to be that serious, but it’s his child, he’d probably want to marry you so it’s born in marriage and not a love child…"

"It’s not even love, Tay," I sighed, more tears were trickling down my cheeks.

"Calm down…we can get this all sorted out…I’m sure."

"I doubt it, Tay, I really do."

"First, you gotta find out, then…we can take things from there, I’m sure we can fix this, but don’t cry about it, you’re just going to get more upset, when this is probably nothing to worry about, its just a misunderstanding…"

I stood up, "I’m gonna go home," I sniffled.

"Okay," Taylor nodded, he hugged me, I felt those arms wrap around me and I melted, I felt so safe in his arms, so comforted, he rubbed my back affectionately, kissed my forehead, and let go of me, "You’ll be okay," He promised, he saw me to the door, opened it for me and walked outside with me. "Listen, take the day off tomorrow, my mom won’t mind, I’m gonna be home tomorrow anyway, you need some…y’know, time to rest and think and get over this," Taylor said, he was so sweet, he understood me so well.

"Okay," I nodded, sniffing, blinking back tears.

When I reached the end of the road, I looked back, I could still see him standing on the doorstep of his house, watching me go. And I realised right then.

Another complication had arisen.

When sweet Taylor hugged me I felt a spark, something I’d never felt for Isaac.

Is it possible I might like Taylor??

Just when I thought I wasn’t sure about this Taylor thing, I had a dream about him last night. I don’t remember exactly what it was about, but we kissed in the dream, and when I woke up, I could still feel his lips upon mines.

I feel ten times worse now, because Isaac thinks I’m serious about him – I could be pregnant with Isaac’s baby…

And now I might have feelings for his brother.

Fuck, is there a force out there that just wants to complicate my life more?

I get my results today, I have to go to the doctors right now, see you in a couple of hours.

I’m not! I’m not pregnant!!!!

I nearly cried in relief when I found out, I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. That’s it, from now on, I’m going on the pill, I don’t care if I’m not having sex, I want to be prepared.

Okay, for definite now that I’m not pregnant, I don’t have any obligations to a child or Isaac so I can tell Isaac I don’t really feel much for him apart from friendship.

I’m heading over there in a while, after dinner.

I’m back, I went over to the Hanson’s, I knocked and waited at the door, Taylor answered.

"Hey," He smiled softly, "didn’t expect to see you here today," He said earnestly.

"I know, I wanted to talk with Isaac, is he home?"

"Actually, he’s not, him, my mom and the kids went out to a movie," I explained, "I’ve already seen the movie so I didn’t think it was worth going to again and wasting the money," Taylor explained. "Wanna come in?"

I stepped in, "I got my results today," I stated calmly, I headed for the living room, knowing my way around the house, I felt comfortable in it, I didn’t need to be asked to take a seat, I simply took a seat.

"Okay," Taylor nodded, "and the answer is…?"

"I’m not," I confirmed.

"That’s…wonderful," Taylor said, he sat beside me on the couch, "How you feeling?"

"Relieved, but I still don’t know how I’m going to let Isaac down…"

"He’ll probably understand why you lied – it made you and him both look better, I mean, it probably made you seem less immature and horny as my mom probably would have thought," Taylor shrugged.

"Yeah, well…I still don’t want to hurt him…" I explained.

"I understand," Taylor nodded.

I looked at him, right into his eyes.

God, are your eyes always this blue? I wondered in thoughts at him.

Taylor smiled softly at me, then the smile faded, and he got up, "do you want a cup of coffee…tea…a stiff drink?" he asked almost restlessly.

"Your mom let you drink?" I asked.

"Not really, but she won’t find out, I assure you…" Taylor opened the drinks cabinet – which had a combination lock, he glanced in, "What do you like to drink?"

"Uhm…" I glanced in curiously, "just gimme a shot of Whiskey…" I shrugged.

Taylor looked at me with some admiration, "Straight?" he asked.

"Sure," I nodded.

Taylor poured himself a vodka, and finished it off by pouring some Sunny-D from the fridge into the glass, obviously not a boy who can take his drink straight. He returned and handed me my straight whiskey, he sat back beside me, maybe a little uneasy. I’m not sure why he was all of a sudden so uptight…

God if he was anymore uptight I could have force fed him coal and three days later he’d be shitting diamonds. We looked at each other, there was something between us, the air felt blue, I suddenly felt just as uptight as he did. I knocked back the shot like it was water.

He looked at me and sipped on his vodka and Sunny-D. His eyes gazing over the top of his glass all the while. I drew my breath, the whiskey was stronger than I thought. I put the glass down on the coffee table.

There was the annoying silence. Like an awkwardness.

Then, he put his glass down on the coffee table to, I watched his hand, he turned and looked at me, it looked like he were about to say something.

And I had an impulse and I leaned over and pushed my lips against his.

At first I felt him tense up with shock and maybe fear, next thing I know his hand was in my hair and he was kissing me, full force.

And when I left…I felt somewhat guilty.

I loved every second of it, I wanted more.

But I felt guilty for having kissed the boy who was three years younger than me. And for him having been the brother of Isaac who I was meant to be dating. Great, I’m in more of a mess. Now I’m no less than a cheating bitch.

I feel like such a slut, and I’m sure when Isaac finds out about the bad thing I’m done he’ll probably think that I am. I should quit my job, get the hell out of this place, go live with my Gran and Isaac or Taylor or even Mrs. Hanson will never find me.

I’m guilty.

Yet, I would love to go over to that house and be with Tay and kiss him, wrap my arms around him, make a man out of him, but that is just not going to happen.

I’m going out to visit my Gran today, in a feeble attempt to avoid either Isaac or Taylor calling me. Maybe I can keep out of trouble.

When I got home from Gran’s – I spent the night there – I checked my mobile phone to discover there were a few text messages on my phone. I had left the thing on all night but the sound had been off, I had taken it with me and had the sound down, it had been kind of pointless, I hadn’t even needed it.

Anyway, I checked through the message, this is how they appeared – in order.

12.44pm Hi, it’s Tay, I need to talk to you, I’ve already tried calling this number and got no answer, I called your house but your mom said phone this number. Can you get in touch with me ASAP, please?

2.31pm Hi, it’s Tay again. We really need to talk, have you tried calling? I really need to talk to you, please get in touch.

4.54pm Jo, where are you? This is urgent, it’s about last night! - Taylor

6.00pm Hi, Jolene. It’s Isaac, I’ve tried getting in touch by phone but I’ve had no luck so I thought I’d leave a text message. I’m going away on Monday – I’ll be gone til Friday. I just wanted to let you know in case I don’t get to see you tomorrow. XXX

I’m kind of glad Isaac was going away for the week, I feel a little relieved, I’ll have a little time to figure out what I intend to do about him – and what I intend to do about my kiss with Taylor. I’ll just ignore the phone the rest of the day so I have more time to myself to think about this.

I did see Isaac this morning, before he left fort what he explained was a business trip… he said he was going for some extensive training on the aspects of banking. Why anyone would want to train to be a banker was beyond me, I hadn’t heard Isaac ever mention his salary, but I guessed if it was worth going away to train on it…then it must have been worth it.

He looked at me, with such a sweet smile, "I’ll miss you," he admitted.

I wished I could say the same thing but I just feigned a smile as well, and allowed him to kiss me goodbye, wondering if it might be the last kiss we ever shared. It saddened me a little I guess, and I had to admit, I felt like I would maybe miss him.

When he left, I went about my usual duties, cleaning up after the kids. I didn’t see Taylor today, and I was kind of relieved about that. I could tell that the first time I saw Taylor after our kiss, it would probably feel awkward. There was 99% chance it would be awkward.

1% chance he would pick me up gallantly like my personal prince charming and whisk me away, love me forever and marry me.

Yes, it was certainly foolish to want that, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

Jessica was quiet, she didn’t say much, I think she probably assumes I’m still mad at her for spilling the secret about me and Isaac. Yes, in some way I guess I am upset with her but I’m not mad at her. But still, I won’t tell her I forgive her yet, it’ll kind of teach her a lesson to never let out someone elses secret again.

I saw Taylor today…

It was by chance, I was in the hallway, about to leave, Mrs. Hanson had arrived home earlier before and I was just about to let myself out, when Taylor entered the small downstairs hallway. We looked at each other, his eyes met mines.

"Jo," his voice was soft, "Hi…"

"Hi," I looked down at my shoes, hoping he wouldn’t notice the crimson in my cheeks.

He looked at me, there was an awkward silence.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

I gave a nod, although I wanted to run out the door after making an excuse about having other plans.

"Okay," He motioned for me to follow him upstairs, and I did. He headed into the room he shared with Isaac. I walked in slowly, looking around, I’d never been in this room before, there were twin beds, the room was a bit messy and smelt of aftershave and cheap men’s deodorant. I sat down on someone’s bed, not knowing whom it belonged to, Taylor sat beside me.

Taylor’s expression was somewhat, vague, as if he didn’t understand the situation at all. Finally, he spoke, "Jo," he began, his voice, soft as always, he looked at me with those unbelievable blue eyes of his. "Y’know…Friday was…"

"A mistake?" I asked.

"Kind of," Taylor sighed, "Look, I like you…I really do…but I mean…you’re still attached to my brother…" he explained to me.

"But I’m going to let him down, I really am," I promised.

He looked at me, I don’t know if he really believed that or not, he then broke his gaze from mines, looking away, "are you suggesting we…go behind Ike’s back?"
"Well he’s not here, Tay, I mean…the moment he gets back, I swear, I will let him dowm…he doesn’t have to know about us…ever."

I couldn’t believe my own words.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek, he closed his eyes, "this feels wrong," He murmured, he tilted his face and brushed his lips against my chin.

I closed my eyes, kissed the jaw, he wrapped his arms around me, kissed me. It was soft, and gentle, lips barely touching, his lips were soft like warm ice, I shivered and pulled my arms around him, there was a faltering footstep outside the door, made us both break apart.

Zac entered the room, looking at me and Taylor curiously, he’d thought that I had left, "Oh…" the guilty looks on both our faces probably said we had been less than innocent. "Jo…I thought you went home…"

"I came up to borrow a CD from Taylor, I said, I turned to the desk near the bed and I picked up the nearest CD, which happened to be a Fugees CD, and even though I already had the same CD at home, it was a good excuse.

"Yeah," Taylor nodded, "Remember and bring it back after you’ve finished with it."

"I will," I promised.

Zac looked at Taylor, "mom said dinner’s nearly ready."

"Okay," Taylor said.

Zac left the room, I stood, holding the CD.

"I better take this with me," I said, holding the CD up so Taylor could see it.

"Yeah," he nodded, his face redder than Santa Claus’s suit.

"I’ll….see you later," I said, and with that, I headed off.

I don’t know if I made the right decision or not. How could I even think about two timing? God, I should message Isaac’s phone and tell him it’s over.

But that wasn’t right, if I’m going to turn the guy down I should at least do it to his face…

I wasn’t needed to work today, and I was glad. Mrs. Hanson stayed home from work because she had this flu that’s been going around, so she didn’t need someone to be with the kids. I head breakfast and then I was about to go back to bed and catch up on my sleep when there was a knock at the door…

And so I headed up to the door and I looked through the peephole, only to discover Taylor was standing there. I opened the door, he stood with a shy expression on his face.

"Taylor," I said in a surprised tone.

Taylor gave a shy smile, "Hi," he greeted. "I thought we could hang out today or something since you’re free and I’m free…" he explained.

I looked at him, god he looked good, he was dressed in all black, and yes, the clothes were tight but I could see every ripple in that body, I felt as if I would melt right into a puddle on the floor right at that moment.

I let him in, he stepped in somewhat cautiously, he glanced at me, I was still in my nightgown. I blushed, embarrassed, "Uhm…can you give me five minutes, just let me go get dressed, I’ll be right with you," I promised.

He smiled and took a seat in the living room, I ran upstairs, got dressed in something flattering, and I did my hair up all nice, and I headed downstairs into the living room. Taylor looked at me and gave a sweet smile.

He has such a pretty smile, it’s hard to not smile back.

I feel so attracted to the boy, despite he’s younger than me, despite he’s the brother of the guy I’m supposed to be seeing. What the hell am I thinking? He’s so fucking gorgeous and he’s so sweet and kind and he makes me feel all tingly when he kisses me. I just can’t let go of that feeling.

And so we spent the day together, we went to a movie and we had a nice time, we talked, and we laughed over a couple of burgers at McDonalds, we threw straws at each other and got thrown out, it was childish, yet, it was fun, it probably would have been more fun if I hadn’t had the guilt of what I would do about Isaac wasn’t in my head like a storm cloud raining over my sunny day. And when he drove me home, the kiss goodnight was like passion of two lovers who hadn’t seen each other for an eternity. There was a sexual tension between us, electricity in the air. It was a passion I couldn’t remember having ever felt before. I would have taken him right there and then if I could…

But I didn’t, I bid him goodnight and I got out the car and went upstairs and threw myself on my bed kicking and beating the pillows in agitation.

This is so annoying.