Dear Diary – Wednesday

The moment Taylor and I saw each other today something sparked in us, something struck in me. We agreed we’d meet up somewhere and later that night it was a mad lust that turned into a heavy passionate kissing session in the alcove of the house leading from the front garden to the back garden late at night after having been out for a drink. There I was up against the wall and his lips on mines, he had his hands on my shoulders as if he were pinning me there.

Wouldn’t you know it, we got caught.

Zac had been coming through the alcove – I have no idea what he was doing there at almost midnight, but there he was, he sort of faltered, his boots made a loud thump against the cement which echoed in the fifteen feet long alcove. He obviously saw us, he just looked at me and Taylor, a frown furrowing, I pushed Taylor back, he stood in the semi-darkness, the light from the small lamp on the front of the house carried to the alcove and bounced off the edge, me and Taylor were in bitch black almost but Zac was very visible, I wondered for a second if he knew it was me. For all I know he saw a silhouette. I stayed very quiet…

"Zac," Taylor stammered, "What…"

"I lost something out here…" Zac said.

"Leave it ‘til the morning, god," Taylor was clearly shaken, he obviously didn’t want Zac knowing because Zac might tell Isaac. I wasn’t sure how, I intended breaking up with Isaac before he could, but still, neither me or Tay wanted Isaac finding out I’d been two timing him…it’d crush the poor guy, we both knew it. I feel like such a bitch for this.

"I want it now," Zac persisted.

Taylor was getting frustrated, "Zac, what are you looking for?" he demanded.

"I’m looking for my chain…I’m pretty sure I heard it drop out here earlier but when I looked couldn’t see it, I wanna try again…"

"Zac, for fucks sake, it’s a stupid chain, leave it and I’ll find it, just go!" Taylor demanded of him.

"Fine fine, geez, what rattled your cage," Zac muttered, then he left the alcove and must have went back inside the house.

I looked at Taylor, being able to see only his silhouette in the darkness.

"Think he knows it’s me?" I asked worriedly.

"I think he just saw your shadow, I guess…I’m not sure…I’ll ask him later if he saw anything and see if he fesses up to it."

"Okay," I nodded, "Tay, I better go," I moved back from him, he walked me to the gate and I looked at him, He was beautiful, the light on the house shone behind him, the moonlight from above shone on his face, giving him this…unearthly glow. I felt my heart thudding harder and louder every time I looked at that face of his.

And tonight, just moments go, I was sitting here writing this entry and still, my only thought is Isaac.

God, what am I going to do, Diary, what AM I going to do?!

Dear Diary – Thursday

When I arrived this morning – a little later than usual because Taylor didn’t need to leave the house until 11am, so I wasn’t needed until then. I arrived just before then, Zac let me in, when I walked into the living room, I saw Taylor sitting at the piano, playing a song that touched me a way music had never touched me before. I stood there, watching him, transfixed…

Not only did he play beautifully but he sang like an angel, this was a voice unlike anything I had ever heard and I noted down the lyrics as best I could in my head, right now I can only remember one part of the song, the lyrics were something like…

"When you have no light to guide you

And no one to walk beside you

I will come to you

I will come to you"

Or something like that…god, I swear this boy should be famous.

He finally noticed my presence, he turned and smiled a little, his cheeks went red from embarrassment, "Oh…I…didn’t know you were there he said, he lowered his head, still looking at me through his blonde bangs.

"Sorry," I felt a smile break upon my face, "I couldn’t help but just stand and listen, I had NO idea you could play so well…"

Taylor gave a shrug, he picked up his jacket from the chair.

"You have some voice," I admitted.

"Music is just a hobby, really," Taylor stated, "I have to go, or I’ll be late for work," He noted we were alone in the living room so he planted a kiss on my cheek, "I’ll see you later.

"Okay," I smiled.

When Taylor left, Jessica stepped into the living room, she’s been quiet ever since that day she ratted on me and Isaac. I think she probably assumes I’m still mad at her after all this time. "Where are your siblings?" I asked of her.

"Avie, Mackie and Zoë are spending the day with my dad…"

"Why didn’t you go with them?" I asked, and then maybe I could have had the day off, I added in thought.

"I didn’t want to…" Jessica explained. "I’m mad at dad."

"Why?" I sat down on the piano bench, looking at her.

"He’s moving back to Tulsa…" Jessica explained, "He’s gonna take over a business back there…and he won’t take any of us with him…"

"Tulsa…is that where you came from before you moved here?"

"Yeah," Jessica sighed, "that’s like…a sixteen hour flight from here, we’ll never see him again," she lowered her head, she looked like she wanted to cry.

I got up and walked over to her, wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, "you’ll see him again," I hugged her, comforted her. She held onto me as if I were her mother, her head on my shoulder, I heard her sob, I stroked her silky hair.

"There, there," I comforted.

"I hate this, I really do," Jessica eventually pulled away and wiped her tears.

I looked at her, "Hey, you’d probably be better staying with your mum…I mean…wouldn’t you miss her?"

"No! She’s a bitch! I hate her!!" Jessica outburst, "she hit me!"

"She hit you?" we sat down side by side, Jessica gave a nod.

"Why?"

"’Cause I told her I hated her, I told her it was her fault that her and dad split up…" Jessica sighed, "It was…she’s such a slut…now she hates me, but I couldn’t give a damn," Jessica muttered, "I want to get away…"

"Why don’t you go stay with your friend for a couple of days," I suggested.

"Kaitlin is away to Ibiza and Maggie is staying with her dad in Bradford," she sighed, "there’s nowhere else I can go…" she sighed.

"Okay, tell you what…you can spend the weekend at my house, from tomorrow night to Monday morning, how does that sound…" yes, I was looking for a quick fix, but I figured it would help her and her mother if I got her away for the weekend and Mrs. Hanson got some peace and Jessica got some time to calm herself a bit.

"Can I?" she asked hopefully.

"Sure, but I’ll check with your mum first, okay?"

Jessica looked at me, "okay," she agreed.

So now it looks like I’ll have the eldest Hanson daughter for the weekend, I guess I can do some fun stuff with her, take her to movies and stuff. I might be over eight years older than her but we could hang out and have some fun…it’d cheer both of us up.

I didn’t see Taylor tonight, I wasn’t too bothered, I took Mrs. Hanson aside and asked her about Jessica…

"Mrs. Hanson," I began in a very friendly tone.

"Diana," she established.

"Diana," I said, the word felt weird on my tongue, I wasn’t used to calling her by her first name, hell, up until this point I hadn’t even known what her name was.

I sat down at the kitchen, table, "Jessica came to me, she says she’s upset…"

"That one’s always upset," Mrs. Hanson uttered, "would you believe she called me a slut yesterday?"

I winced at the thought, "Sorry."
"Oh I’m used to it by now. Zac used to be the same way, I’ve learned to live with it, eventually they begin to realise it doesn’t affect me anymore and they stop…" Mrs. Hanson explained.

"Anyway, I was wondering, if it was okay if Jessica came to stay with me for the weekend."

Mrs. Hanson looked at me, wondering why the hell I would want to have her daughter over the entire weekend. "Why?"

"Well, Jessica’s upset, she was crying and stuff…I don’t know, I just thought it’d maybe give you both some time without each other and maybe when she comes back the tension will be gone…"

"Oh…what will you do with her all weekend?"

"Take her to movies, out for something to eat, maybe take her to Sea World or something, I don’t know, just do fun stuff with her, try and get her mind off of Mr. Hanson," I explained.

"Yes, alright, I don’t see the harm in it," Mrs. Hanson nodded.

"Okay," I nodded.

And so that is that all arranged.

Isaac comes back tomorrow about 3pm…

Dear Diary – Friday

Guess what?? The worst thing happened today.

I went over to the Hanson’s house about 10.20am, the kids were still in bed, Taylor had half an hour until he needed to leave for work…

And so, without saying a word, we just began kissing, sitting on the couch, arms wrapped around each other, lips locked, tongues playing against each others, I was in heaven. Until I felt Taylor freeze up and pull himself off me.

We both looked up and Isaac was standing there, he did not look happy.

I froze in absolute shock, the look on his face was that of someone who wanted to commit murder. And I caused him this anger, I caused that look to be upon his face.

Without saying a word he walked out of the room, not slamming a door, not making a noise, it wasn’t even storming out. I heard the front door close and I heard a car pull away outside.

"Shit," I muttered.

"Well…he knows," Taylor sighed.

When Taylor left I remained in the house, the kids woke up, Jessica packed her stuff for the weekend. All that was left was for Isaac, Taylor or Mrs. Hanson to return home. And the first I wasn’t so crazy about seeing.

I really didn’t want to see Isaac again right now. It was unavoidable, because when 5pm came he arrived home, he didn’t say a word, he looked at me, his eyes cold – so different from the warm eyes I was so used to seeing.

He drew his breath, "I can’t believe you went behind my back."

"Sorry…" was all I could manage.

He snorted, "You think ‘sorry’ makes everything better?!" he demanded.

"No…"
"God, I’m sorry if I’m not as GOOD LOOKING or as sweet as Taylor, if I had been then maybe then you would have actually liked me," he looked away.

"I’m sorry," I said quietly, I didn’t know what else to say, I went into the hall and told Jessica I was ready to go, she rushed down the stairs with her bag in her hand.

"Okay, I’m ready," she said excitedly, she handed me her bag and rushed into the living room and jumped into Isaac’s arms, she hugged him fiercely. "I’m spending the weekend at Jo’s, I’ll see you on Monday, okay?" she smiled.

Isaac nodded, but he was unsmiling, he looked at Jessica, "Have fun," he said, then glanced at me coldly. I felt my body quiver at that expression. With that we left.

Me and Jessica watched movies until 2am. She finally fell asleep, now I’m up writing this, I feel so drained, emotionally and physically…

Dear Diary – Saturday

Me and Jessica had a lot of fun today, we went to see two movies, we went shopping, I bought her a few things, since being on an allowance she didn’t really enough for the things she really wanted. We shopped until it was late, then we went home. We did makeovers, we talked about boys, Jessica was fascinated to hear about all my previous boyfriends from when I was just a little older than she was. I guess today I didn’t think much about either of her brothers…

Dear Diary – Sunday

My dad was off work today, so me, Dad and Jessica took a drive in the country, it was nice weather today, I think Jessica enjoyed it. I’m am so not looking forward to work tomorrow…

Dear Diary – Monday

When I got to the door of the Hanson house and knocked, Taylor answered, he had a huge bruise on one side of his face, and a black eye, his eye was slightly swollen, his lip cut.

"Taylor…"I gasped…I touched his cheek, "what—"

"Don’t ask," Taylor said bitterly, he looked at me and stood aside, letting me and Jessica in, Jessica gave him a strange look but she didn’t say anything, she walked in and headed upstairs to go put her stuff away.

I walked in, still in shock, looking at his beautiful face all bashed up, his hair was combed in a way that was a feeble attempt to hide the bruising on his left cheek. "Taylor…"

"Don’t say anything, okay, just…don’t say a word," he looked away from me.

I stood, was he mad at me? Why should he be mad at me? I wasn’t the only one who caused this to happen. He wanted this as much as I did.

"I have to go," Taylor said quietly, he picked his jacket up.

"Can I see you later?"

"I…think it’s best if we don’t try to see each other at all, anymore," He looked away from me still, his eyes dull, almost lifeless.

"Taylor…"

He gave a sigh, "Bye," he said. He left.

I stood there, I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not. I felt tears springing to my eyes, I had to wipe them before Avery saw me this way, I didn’t want to worry the kids.

I felt so much like bursting into tears. I really liked Taylor, I don’t want to not see him anymore. I want to be madly in love with him, just as I was already falling. Oh, god, he can’t do this to me…he can’t! I don’t care what his brother does!!

Dear Diary – Tuesday

I saw Isaac today, and something snapped in me. It was late, Taylor was working, I’d been watching the kids all day, and I was anxious to see Isaac, and at the same time, I was definitely dreading it. So I waited patiently, knowing he’d be home before Taylor.

The moment he got home, he pretended as if I didn’t exist. "Isaac," I stated, I stood.

Isaac frowned, looking past me, he picked up his mail from the cabinet, looking past me.

"Isaac, don’t you dare ignore me," I walked over to him.

He didn’t say anything, he opened a letter, began reading the text.

"Isaac!!" I slapped his hand, he dropped the letter, he looked at me, he looked as if he would hit me, he had a cut on his nose and a scrape on his chin, his knuckles were grazed.

"Just go," he muttered, he picked up his letter, he headed into the kitchen.

I followed him, "what the fuck makes you think you can just go around beating on Taylor?!" I demanded.

"He kissed you, damn it!" Isaac said, "he knew how I felt!"

"I kissed him."

"I don’t give a fuck, I could care less for lying bastards like you two."

"Isaac…" I touched his shoulder.

He swatted my hand away, it actually hurt. I frowned at him.

"Just keep the fuck away from me. I don’t know what the fuck I did to deserve this. If you didn’t like me you should have been honest! No, instead you didn’t say anything, you went behind my back, and with my brother no less!! You’ve not only hurt me, you’ve strained my relationship with my brother!! I hope you’re fucking happy!! And thanks to the arguing between me and Taylor my fucking mom is throwing me out because she always sides with Taylor. And my dad has gone to fucking Tulsa, I have no where to go!! I have no family here!! No one to turn to!! It’s all thanks to you!!"

I stood speechless. Did I really cause all this trouble?

Isaac looked at me, his eyes were readable, full of hate. My eyes just burst into tears, cried into my hands and he stood there.

"You should go now," was all he could say.

And I did, without grabbing my jacket or my bag. I’m glad I didn’t leave this diary there…

Dear Diary – Wednesday

I saw neither brother today, and I don’t have much to write about, I’m too upset. I deserved this…

 

Dear Diary – Thursday

I was doing dishes when I heard Zac playing that song Taylor had been playing a week ago today. Zac sang the song in just as sweet a voice, maybe not as whispery, but just as beautifully…the words were ripping me apart inside.

"when you have no light to guide you

and no one to walk beside you

I will come to you

I will come to you"

I let my tears silently fall.

I really, REALLY want to be with Taylor, I thought.

So much for ‘I will come to you’. He hasn’t came to me. He’s left me…

God pull yourself together, Jo! It’s not like you were ever really a couple…you had a couple of good times, you shared a couple of kisses, it was just a fling…

I don’t know, I mean was it just a fling? Maybe it was, who knows. He’ll probably never tell me. He probably thinks Isaac will beat the shit out of him if he ever comes near me again. From the look on his face, they can fight pretty brutally, but Isaac seems brutal, that’s a side of him I’d rather not know. Not like I ever WILL get to know that side. Or any other side. I blew all chances of that.

God why am I even bothered?! It wasn’t Isaac I wanted, it was TAYLOR. TAYLOR TAYLOR TAYLOR.

God, I have got to stop confusing myself this way. I can’t just change my mind on which brother I fancy just on a whim.

I think the rest of today, the kids could see something was wrong, but I just kept on pretending I was fine, trying to be brave, wishing that Taylor would come home so I could talk to him…

But he didn’t…

He didn’t come to me.

Dear Diary – Friday

Isaac wasn’t lying, his mother did throw him out…

I have no clue as to his whereabouts, for all I know he could be squatting in a dive somewhere with no food and water, sleeping on a dirty floor. Or worse, he could be sleeping in the streets, sleeping in some alcove on the pavement, or living in a cardboard box…

And it’s all my fault.

No, I’m sure even Isaac will have found some safe haven. It was raining today too, I hope he’s alright.

Dear Diary – Saturday

Well, I still don’t know where Isaac is, yesterday I asked his brothers but they were reluctant. When I seen Taylor he was trying to avoid talking to me, he rushed out, saying he had to go.

I have to go, my cousin is coming over.

Oh my god.

I saw Isaac tonight.

My cousin Adele made me go to "Ghia". Ghia is a nightclub, it opened at eleven, so we went up there, and I was dressed in my best clothes. So we were there, the place was packed, and I saw Isaac, it was a fleeting glance and the rest of the night I did not see him but he was there, I know it for a fact…and when I did see him I know he looked drunk out of his skull.

I didn’t say anything to Adele, she didn’t know anything about Isaac.

Dear Diary – Sunday

I called Taylor’s phone. No answer, I sent him a text message. No reply. I’m really upset…we were friends, why can’t we even be friends anymore?

I even tried going over to his house, his mum said he wasn’t home. I really needed Taylor right now, I needed to talk about Isaac at the Ghia…

I hate my life.

Dear Diary – Monday

Work today felt like hell because I had to go through it wondering what happened to Taylor or Isaac – I can’t seem to get in touch with either of them.

I asked Zac, he just shook his head, "My bro’s don’t tell me nothing," he said.

"Are they telling you to lie to me about their whereabouts."

"Even if they were, I wouldn’t tell you."

"I realise that," I sighed.

Dear Diary – Tuesday

I know it sounds bad but I’m really thinking about quitting my job…even though it would break my heart. I would cry like a child. I can’t help but think it might fix things between Taylor and Isaac if I was out of their lives.

Mrs. Hanson is going away for the week with a few colleagues on Monday, and wants me to move into her house on Monday and watch the kids all week, even if Taylor and Zac are around, she’d rather it. I said yes. My money will go up time and a half…

Dear Diary – Wednesday

I’m trying to prepare myself for the week ahead, I get tomorrow and Friday off. I had to work today but there’s nothing worth writing about.

Dear Diary – Thursday

I went to se a movie with my cousin Adele tonight, and I saw Taylor and Zac there, neither of them noticed me and I pretended I didn’t notice them.

It broke my heart seeing Taylor there, he walked in dressed in a white T-shirt and a pair of faded blue denim jeans. His eyes were sad, I felt myself shiver at the expression in his eyes. And there was Zac, trying to be cheerful. But I doubt it was working, Taylor acted like he didn’t know how to smile. And it was a comedy we saw but Taylor didn’t laugh once, I would have heard his laugh, but that sweet voice didn’t break through the distant laugher of many strangers. God I feel like shit. I haven’t even had a decent nights sleep in ages.

Dear Diary – Friday

 

My mum and dad left for Bradford to go visit my auntie Billie today, they won’t be back until next Friday. I guess it’s just as well, I wouldn’t want to be staying in the house on my own all week and since I’ll be staying at the Hanson’s anyway, I guess it’s good timing. Adele wanted to go to the Ghia again tonight, so I agreed, what the hell I might as well try to get on with my life, right?

Well, I don’t suppose it’d be much surprise that I saw Isaac again there, his hair was slicked back, and his clothes were black, he looked tired and drunk out of his mind, but it was definitely him. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him all night, and there were so many people there he didn’t even notice my presence. I so much wanted to go up there and see him and talk to him about what had happened and at least try to apologises at least another million times, but I doubted I had the guts. I sat at a table in the corner, and Adele danced.

I sat feeling alone and miserable…somewhat out of place also. God, why didn’t I just stay home?

I still can’t sleep…

Dear Diary – Saturday

Okay, for definite, I am going to the Ghia tonight to see Isaac, hopefully he’ll be there. Wish me luck.

Well, I’m home. I was right, Isaac was at the Ghia. And this time he saw me there, I made sure to make myself noticeable, with a blue satin top on and a pair black leather trousers, my hair up in glitter. He looked at me for the first time and frowned a little, looked away and pretended he hadn’t seen me, but I knew he’d seen me, and I knew it was no use in pretending.

So I danced with some complete and utter strangers, but I kept glancing his way, he stayed near the bar most of the night, I could see he was drinking Aftershock, I saw him knock it back like water, then he had a couple of Tequila Shooters…I could see him getting drunker by the second.

I headed over, maybe that he was drunk his yelling wouldn’t be quite as severe was my thought. I tapped him on the shoulder and he looked at me, bleary eyed, the scrape on his chin was gone and the cut on his nose had shrunk to a tiny scab.

"Hey," I said quietly.

"Jojo," He said.

God, he never called me that before, he must have been drunk.

"Where you been, Isaac?" I leaned on the bar, looking at him.

"Around…and around…and here and there…mostly here."

"Seriously…where you stayin’?" I asked.

"Nigel’s," Isaac gave a shrug.

"Where’s Nigel live?"

"Somewhere…somewhere…else…" he looked blank for a moment, as if he was trying to remember.

"Can we talk?" I asked of him.

"Aren’t we talking already?" he asked stupidly.

"I guess. I mean somewhere private…"

"Oookay," He stood up and instantly fell to his knees. "Whoah, the floors closer than it’s meant to be…" He trailed off.

I grabbed a hold of his arm and hauled him up, he was heavy, I helped him outside and we got a taxi to my house, I kept wondering what I was going to say to him. When we got to my building I had to help him up all the stairs, he looked even drunker than before.

I sat him down on the couch and I headed into the kitchen to make some coffee in the hope of sobering him up with it.

He followed me the moment I left the room.

"Where you goin’, what you doin’?" he asked, his accent seemed so much more exaggerated than usual.

"I’m making coffee," I assured, I poured water into the coffee maker.

"I thought we was gonna talk?" he asked in a slur.

"We are," I assured, "go back to the living room and sit down."

"What if I don’t want to?"

I left the coffee to do its own thing and I grabbed him by the arm and sat him down on the couch again, I sat beside him. "Ike…what’s goin’ on…every time I see you at the Ghia you’re drinking yourself stupid."

"I am not…" he leaned back against the couch, "what’d you care anyway," He looked at me, his brown eyes squinting in confusion, "You’re in love with Taylor, not me."

"Is this what this is all about, me?"

"Maybe," Isaac said. "You caused it all, you got me thrown out," He sighed, he looked away shaking his head, "I’m crazy about you and you don’t even care…"
"I…" I trailed off.

He looked at me, he was drunk out of his head, and yet…I could tell he definitely had his wits about him…

"I love you…" he murmured, in a slur, but yet, it still sounded serious and romantic and my heart pounded.

No man had ever told me he loved me before.

And yet, even though Taylor had constantly told me that Isaac thought he was in love with me I had never believed it.

Up until that moment.

He looked at me obviously looking for some reaction. I wasn’t sure how my reaction must have looked to him.

"I…better check on the coffee…" I tried to get up.

Isaac grabbed my wrist and pulled me down again. "You wanted to talk, lets talk," he stated firmly.

I looked at him, I felt scared suddenly, not sure if it was his voice or just the fact he wanted his response now before anything else was said.

I tore my eyes from him, looked away.

"I’d have never slept with you if I hadn’t thought I loved you…" he explained, "I was a virgin, Jo…I mean…god, I’ve been waiting all this time for the right person…and then you came along and—"

"Isaac, you hardly know me," I pointed out.

"But what I do know, I’m crazy about…except that you hurt me…"
"Isaac…I can’t help that I like Taylor…"
"Believe me, it’s not going to work out with you and Taylor…"
"Why not…"
"Because I told him if he ever goes near you again, I’ll kill him," Isaac stated.

"Excuse me, but shouldn’t this be MY decision who I want to date?" I demanded.

"Maybe you should have been HONEST with me, god I’ve always been honest with you!"

"Stop yelling," I looked at him.

He shook his head at himself, "I mean, I don’t get it! What’d I do wrong??"

"You did nothing wrong…"

"Well I must have done something wrong…I mean you cheated on me…"

"It was just a couple of kisses…"

"Yeah, but I’m the one meant to be kissing you, not Taylor!! God, you were my girlfriend for a week and the first week you go traipsing around kissing my brother like you were HIS girlfriend, you don’t know how much that hurt me…"

I looked at him, "I’m sorry."

"Sorry isn’t good enough."

"I don’t know what else to say, Isaac."

"Neither do I."

"I don’t think we should be ignoring each other, I think things should go back to the way they were before we ever dated…before Taylor…just…friends."

"That’s all we can be…but…I dunno, I mean you REALLY fucked things up with me and my brother…"

"No, you fucked them up, you’re the one who beat the shit out of him, Isaac."

"He deserved it."

"No he didn’t…if anyone deserved hit, I did."

"I’d never hit a girl."

"I know."

"But…just be friends?" he asked, "I…I can’t, I mean, you know how I feel…"

"Ike…c’mon…it’s the only way to resolve this…"

"No, Jo!! I love you, for fucks sake, doesn’t that even MEAN any fucking thing to you!?!"

Before I realised it he had pushed me against the couch, his strength was somewhat dangerous…so was the look in his dark eyes, I felt like I myself was in danger, I took in a sharp breath and tried to push him away.

"You can’t DO this to me!" he hissed.

"Isaac let me go!!!"

"Why?! So you can go running to Taylor?!"

"Isaac stop it!!"

Isaac pushed me down and climbed over me, "You’ve brought this on yourself."

There was a moment when I thought he’d suceed, but then he passed out, his face buried in my chest, I tried to calm down, forced back tears, I wanted to burst out crying I was so panicked. I knew that if he hadn’t passed out he probably would have hurt me…maybe taken me right there on the couch against my will…

I left him there, he’s still lying there…passed out, I doubt he’ll be up again tonight. I tied his wrists behind his back with a scarf just to be certain he can’t do any harm…I’ve locked my room door too…I’m too scared to sleep…

Dear Diary – Sunday

When I woke up, Isaac had already managed to untie his hands from the scarf, and when went into the kitchen, there he was sitting, he’d reheated the coffee from last night and was sitting at the table, my Garfield mug in his hand.

I stood at the threshold for a moment, looked at him.

He didn’t raise his head, nor looked in my direction, he knew I was there though, his body went from comfortable to tense, I could see his fingers tighten about the cup so much, I thought he would crush the ceramic in his hand.

I walked into the kitchen and headed for the coffee maker, I poured myself a cup and headed to the fridge for the milk.

I turned and looked at him, he looked like shit, he was ashen, and his hair was sticking up at one side. I felt sorry for him even though I was still angry with him for last night, and still scared of him because of last night. My heart ached for him and I was unsure why. Maybe because I thought he had a drinking problem because he was depressed. It was obvious that far more was going on than I had thought.

There was no way this was just because of me.

I milked and sugared my coffee, and I sat down opposite him, almost shakily, keeping my eyes on him, he stared down as if he expected to find happiness in the bottom of his coffee cup. I took a quick sip of my coffee, hoping it might calm my shot nerves. "How you feeling?" I asked timidly.

"Fine," he didn’t look up.

"You don’t look good…" I admitted.

"Yeah, I know, that’s the reason you went behind my back with Taylor."

"Isaac, can we please just drop this…"

He took a sip of his coffee, keeping his eyes away from me the whole time, as if it almost hurt him to look.

"Where you staying?" I couldn’t remember him telling me where specifically he was staying.

"Nigel’s," Isaac shrugged.

"Where’s Nigel live?"

"Davidson Street," Isaac shrugged again.

"Davidson Street?!" I demanded.

I know, as well as does the rest of this city, that Davidson Street is where all the losers, junkies, alcoholics, thieves, dealers, prostitutes and rapists live. It’s the bad part of town."

"Yeah, so?"

"Isaac, Davidson Street is—" I tried to get in, but he interrupted before I could say anything else.

"Where all the criminals are? Yeah, I know. You can take the blame for me being there, after all, its your fault I got thrown out…"

"Look, I’ll speak with your mom…"

"No! I don’t want you speaking with that fucking BITCH," He muttered, "she’s alienating the whole family!! First my dad, now me!!"

I touched his hand, "Isaac, calm down…"

He looked at our hands, then to my eyes, he moved his hand from under mines, and got up, "I have to go," He stated.

"Please stay…"

"No."

"Look, stay here until I can figure something out…"

"No," He repeated, he drew his breath, he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Isaac, please? I swear, I can fix all this…"

He stood silent, he sniffed his hands, obviously smelling spilt alcohol from last night.

"You can take a shower, I’ll put those clothes into the washing machine for you and I can lend you some of my dads…my parents are in Glasgow."

He looked like he was considering it.

"Okay," He finally gave in.

"Okay," I said, "c’mon."

I led him upstairs, gave him some towels, told him which shower gels to use (the ones that didn’t smell like lilacs). I left him alone, hoping he wouldn’t do something stupid like slit his wrists with my leg razors, I almost wished I’d went back and taken the razors out of the bathroom…

So he came out, wearing a towel around his waist, I was in the hall putting some clothes for him over the banister at that point. He looked at me, standing just almost exposed, dripping wet, spiky tendrils of hair hanging over his dark tired eyes. He looked so vulnerable…

I was weakening and I knew it.

Did he know it?

Did he see it in my eyes?

I noticed a little cut on his side. "What’s that?" I asked softly.

"Got attacked on Friday, some guy with a knife took my wallet, then slashed me, it didn’t cut too deep…"

I wondered how Isaac had managed to go on ignoring the pain, it looked sore, and inflamed, and I wondered how he hadn’t even flinched in pain once while I had been with him last night and this morning.

"It’s bleeding…" I pointed out.

"I must have knocked it in the shower," he shrugged.

It wasn’t bleeding too much, but I was concerned. "Come with me…" I gestured, I headed into my parents room and I went into my dads cupboard and got the iodine and the cotton wool. He followed me into the room, I motioned for him to sit.

He was still in this towel, he didn’t seem sheepish about it though, he sat and leaned back a bit, twisting to the side and I cleaned his wound, he hissed and groaned in pain. He sat trying to ignore the stinging of the iodine.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," he mumbled.

I put a little dressing over it and taped it over good enough to stay there for a while.

He looked at me, as if he were trying to read into my thoughts.

I stood up, "You better get dressed," I said, I dusted my hands off and headed into the bathroom, he followed me.

"Jo?"

"Uh huh?"

"Why can’t we try again?"
"Because yesterday you tried to hurt me, I don’t care if you WERE drunk, if you’d do it once, you’d do it again."

Isaac looked at me, "Please?"

"No, now go get dressed."

He gave a sigh and he got changed in my room. And he hung around, mostly being quiet…his eyes dull and almost lifeless, he watched TV, I stayed upstairs packing my things for the weekend. Getting myself organised. He didn’t come up to see me even though I was upstairs for almost four hours getting myself ready for tomorrow. I played my music, listening to a lot of sad shit trying to get my nerves to calm down, I felt really on edge. Somewhat sad and depressed, edgy as if I expected to get jumped on at any minute now, and annoyed as if I should still be mad at him. I feel wired…

Too tired to have the energy to do anything, too wired to sleep. It’s an odd feeling.

He fell asleep on the couch and I didn’t disturb him. I’m in bed now, writing this, my door is locked and the wedge is under the door, just to be sure. I keep getting up to check the latch and make sure it’s not unlocked. I’m a nervous wreck. I don’t know, Isaac seems okay, but I guess he could crack at any minute…

I’m gonna try and get some sleep now.

Night.

 

Dear Diary – Monday

Well, I woke up and he wasn’t there. I checked all over the house. He’d taken his clothes, left my dads and gone. I don’t know where he has gone? I was hoping over at his house, but when I went over there, there was no such sign of him.

Mrs. Hanson gave me a hundred and one rules and regulations for living in her house. How to reprimand the children when things go wrong, etc. Of course…it means living with Taylor a whole week, Taylor and Zac would be helping out a lot. I was hoping I would get some time to talk with Taylor about what’s going on…I really needed to ask him if there’s anything wrong with Isaac – apart from me. I just absolutely refuse to believe all this shit could be because of me. There has to be more to it, like the situation with their parents having just split up.

So I was settled down, when the kids were in bed later, and I was in the shower, sometimes, my best thoughts came to me while I was showering, where I was totally to myself.

It didn’t help much yet, and when I came downstairs with blankets from the closet to make my bed on the couch, Zac was sitting watching TV, he looked preoccupied, it was the first time I think I had seen him all day.

"Hey," I said, I dropped the blankets on the couch and I stretched.

"Hey," he mumbled.

"What’s wrong?"

"One of Ike’s friends called…said Ike’s been staying at his house. But he hasn’t been home since Saturday night…"

I didn’t want to say I had seen him only yesterday.

Taylor entered the house at that moment, his hair wet, it must have been raining out.

"Hey, where you been?" Zac looked at Taylor.

Taylor stood, quiet for a moment, "at Emma’s…" he trailed off.

Who’s Emma? I thought.

"Oh…"

"I’m…y’know…gonna go to bed now…" Taylor said softly, "Night, Zac…" he glanced at me, his eyes right on mines, "Night, Jo…"

"Night, Tay…"I looked away.

Taylor left the room, I glanced to Zac, "who’s Emma…"

"This girl he’s seeing," Zac explained. "He met her picking Jessica up from Ballet…"

"Oh…" I trailed off. I couldn’t believe it, he’d already found someone new? Well, I guess it wasn’t that unbelievable, he was an utterly gorgeous young man. Sweet and kind and in someway, beautiful, it’d be insane for him to have trouble finding a girl. There are millions of single girls in this world, and a lot of them would jump on Taylor if he threw one of those sugary smiles of his at them.

Did he ever throw those sugary smiles my way?

Dear Diary – Tuesday

Who is this Emma? Apart from the fact she’s probably perfectly skinny and blonder than Pamela Anderson Lee with eyelashes longer than pubic hair and boobs up to her chin!!

Does it sound like I’m jealous? Perhaps a tad…

God it sure didn’t take long for Taylor to get back into the swing of things. God, you’d expect him to have some decency and show a little sadness that we couldn’t be together. But no, instead of showing any decency he moves like a cheetah, fast and preying on young bimbos – the first one that comes along. I bet she’s a total ditz! I bet she’s got no brains! I bet she’s a slut nicknamed ‘Dairy Lee’ because she’ll spread for anyone!

God why did dhe have to move on so quickly! Fuck, it’s not easy letting go. Especially not letting go of Taylor! God, what an ass!! And to think I thought he was my friend! I hate you Taylor Hanson!! I hate you!!

Dear Diary – Wednesday

Yes, I am aware that yesterdays entry was nothing but mindless dribble and bitchy insults to this infamous Emma. I still hate her, and I don’t care if I don’t know her and haven’t met her yet…

The bitch stole Taylor from me!!

God, what am I saying?

Did I ever really have him? Blah! Just for five minutes before his so-called big brother put a stop to that! This is Isaac’s fucking fault. He was so fucking jealous he couldn’t stand anyone else having me?! I mean that is so selfish! Doesn’t he care about my happiness? Doesn’t he care at ALL?!

He says he loves me…

If he really did he shouldn’t have risked my happiness and threatened Taylor to stay away from me.

Am I being selfish though? Just because I wanted Taylor and I didn’t think of Isaac’s feelings?

No…that’s different…

Why?

Because it’s different. Isaac just totally misunderstood.

No…

I led him on…

And then Taylor led me on.

Fuck.

Dear Diary – Thursday

For the past two days now I’ve bitched about this Emma. Today I actually met her, Taylor brought her over and he actually introduced us.

She’s nothing special…I don’t know what the hell he sees in her. Of course, I initially don’t like her because she goes with him – and I don’t!

She seems like a wise-ass, very full over herself and very snide. I don’t like her at all. I doubt I’d like her even if I got to know her. I doubt I would like her if she was sweet and friendly and kind and an excellent person to hang out with. I just don’t like her. And I will make it painfully clear that I don’t like her. I will look down my nose at her, refusing to converse with such a snobby little snide bitch. I hope he dumps her.

Dear Diary – Friday

Mrs. Hanson returns today. In the meantime, I saw Isaac today, he stopped by to gather some of his clothes so he could move out permanently. He spent about twenty minutes in Zac’s room, he spoke briefly with Zac, then he went into the room he had once shared with Taylor. I followed him in, didn’t think I really needed to ask to come in, the room was no longer his anyway. What could I possibly be interrupting?

I stepped into the room, stood at the threshold, watching as Isaac shoved clothes into an oversized Adidas bag.

"Hi," I said softly, I leaned my shoulder against the doorframe, watching him.

"Hi," He mumbled, he seemed to start doing everything a lot quicker the moment I entered the room, picking up most of his belongings, anything he could grab.

"Where you been all week?" I asked casually.

"Working, been at the Ghia some."

"And then some more," I made a lucky guess. "Do you actually ever stay home and not go to the Ghia? Or is that all your life consists of."

"I’d rather have it consist of something rather than nothing," he commented coldly.

"Isaac…is their anything you want to talk about?" I questioned carefully. Like if you’re a manic depressive for instance? That you drink too much? That you dwell on things far too much? I thought.

"No."

"Isaac, you need to get it together. You’re drinking way too much. I heard you were using all sorts of drugs too…" okay, I had lied, I hadn’t heard anything about Isaac using drugs, but I had guessed it might be a possibility, and I used that lie to see if I could get him to admit to anything.

"That is not true!" He blurted.

"Oh come on! You know it is! Every time you go to the Ghia you get pissed and high!"

"So?!" he demanded.

"So you need to get yourself together!"

"Oh, and I suppose you’re the perfect picture of ‘having it together’," Isaac muttered.

"I’m very together," I stated.

"Sure, you’re so ‘together’ that you can’t even stick with one guy for one length of time, you cheated on me with my own brother and now you have an unhealthy possession with Taylor, and you’re treating his new girlfriend like crap because you’re jealous! Zac told me, Jo, according to him for the last four days you’ve done nothing but bitch about Emma! So don’t stand there acting like you’re sane and happy and that you’re so-called ‘together’ and I’m some kind of wasted drug addict who can’t cut it. I have a job, I have friends, a life, money and a place to live. I’m fine so don’t give me that shit."

"You’re using drugs!"

"So fucking what!"

"That shit will kill you!"

"I really don’t give a fuck. What the fuck have I to live for anyway?! A brother who betrays me with the girl he KNEW I loved. A mother who plays favourites with Taylor and doesn’t really give a fuck about me!? A father who’s sixteen hours away and hasn’t even returned my letters or phone calls?!" His dark eyes were clearly distressed, almost watering with emotion, his lip was trembling like that of a child. "Just what the fuck have I to live for?!" He demanded.

I stood there. I really wanted to say me but something held me back, maybe because if I did say it he’d think we were getting back together and right now I didn’t want that. Taylor could end up dumping Emma and maybe possibly wanting to take me back. I’d have to stay available just in case he changed his mind.

Isaac looked at me, I didn’t give him an answer, without saying anything he slung his bag over his shoulder, picked up his guitar case, and with that, he headed out.

Mrs. Hanson was home at seven tonight….I headed home. My parents are back. I’m gonna get to bed now, I’m really exhausted.

Dear Diary – Saturday

I still haven’t slept decently, I’ve had this constant headache – probably stress related – and even despite that, I went up the town hoping that it might take everything off of my mind for a while. But that didn’t work. I headed into the pharmacy and got some sleeping tablets. As I paid for them the thought of taking the whole damn bottle at once did cross my mind. Maybe just do it tonight, get it over with. OD on sleepers and that’d be the end of it. No obsessing over Taylor.

I somewhat wonder right now if Taylor or Isaac would miss me if I died?

Isaac probably would, Taylor…probably wouldn’t care. He lost interest in me and my friendship pretty quickly. I want to have a word about that with him. Just because we can’t be more than friends doesn’t mean we have to be less than. It’s an outrage that he doesn’t even want to be near me now that he’s found this other girl. Is he scared because Isaac threatened him? Or is he just throwing me aside like he threw aside Agnes? Or perhaps is it that bitch Emma has told him if he even tries to talk to me she will dump him? If she has I’ll fucking kill the bitch!!! I swear it.

 

 

 

Dear Diary – Sunday

 

            I spent the day feeling sorry for myself. 

 

Dear Diary – Monday

 

            Today at some point I decided that I would take the kids shopping, Zac was reluctant to come with us but I asked him nicely to come and considering there were four kids and only one of me, he gave in eventually.

            It was a beautiful day, the streets were packed, the kids were happy, the sun was shining, and by two o’clock even Zac was in a good mood.  We were having fun.

            “Mommy never takes us shopping,” Avery confessed, she licked at her Ice cream, it was smeared on her cheek but I didn’t fuss over the mess, I simply smiled and handed her a tissue.          

            “Doesn’t she?” I asked of her.

            “Sometimes, but she makes us try on ugly clothes,” Avery pouted.

            Mackenzie made a face.  “She makes us wear the clothes none of the other kids wear to school…”

            “That’s terrible,” I pretended to be on their side.  I could see nothing wrong with their clothes.

            “Yep,” Mackie licked at his ice cream, accidentally getting it on his nose, everyone laughed.

            Then, I was suddenly aware the kids had stopped their merry laughter, so had Zac.

            For on the street, clutching a tope bag that seemed all too familiar, lay Isaac, eyes closed tightly.  He was curled up under the awning of a long closed down shop.  I felt my heart break.

            “Is he dead?” Mackie asked in wonder.

            Jessica made a face, “don’t be stupid, he’s not dead…”

            I looked at Zac and handed Zoe to him.  “Here, take her,” I said, I looked at Zac and told him to keep the kids back.  Then, cautiously, I edged closer to Isaac, scared, not sure if he really was dead or not.  He looked it.  He hadn’t shaved in a couple of days, his hair was a mess, his cheek was scraped, he looked like he’d been in a fight.  I knelt by him on the pavement and shook him, “Isaac…”

            He didn’t stir, not at first anyway.  It took several shakes and shoves and slaps before he actually responded which was only a faint grunt and a squirm for a second.  He was drunk, I could smell it now. 

            Zac handed Zoe over to Jessica and told Mackie to take Avery’s hand, Me and Zac managed to haul Isaac up, and the tope bag.  We had to get a cab, the cab almost wouldn’t take all of us, but with a little pleading on my behalf, he finally agreed and we got Isaac home.

            Zac and me dragged Isaac up to the bedroom and laid him on the bed, I was almost in tears this time from my upset.

            “I can’t believe this,” I tried not to sob.

            Zac looked at me, “Look, pull yourself together, it’s not gonna help,” he pointed out.

            “I know, I know,” I wiped my tears, I told Zac to go downstairs and watch the kids.  I looked at Isaac, he’d been wearing the same shirt for three days – I knew that, I’d noticed that, I sighed and began stripping him off, the clothes were dirty, and smelled of perspiration – not surprising in this heat.

             I got him to his boxers and decided to leave him at that, I’d seen him naked before, but I didn’t have any desire to right now.  I went downstairs and threw his dirty clothes in the washing machine, headed back upstairs put Isaac in his bed, under the covers, and waited.  Mrs. Hanson arrived home and I could only explain what happened, she didn’t seem too pleased but I guessed there was really nothing she could do. I went home with guilt.  Would he be where he was if I had never come into his life – into this family’s life?  I don’t know.  I can’t help but feel it’s all my fault.

 

Dear Diary – Tuesday

 

            When I arrived at the Hanson’s house there was a terrible silence, the kids were still in bed, Mrs. Hanson left in a hurry without even mentioning if Isaac had been up and around since last night.  Taylor was already gone, Zac still asleep in the room he shared with Mackenzie.  I went upstairs, creeping quietly, being sure not to wake anyone.  I checked in on Zoe and then headed into Isaac and Taylor’s room.  Isaac was sitting up awake, stationed at the edge of the top half of his bed, staring at the wall opposite.  I stood at the doorway until he looked up at me.

            “Hey,” I Said when he looked at me finally.

            “Hey,” He said quietly.

            “How you feeling?” I asked lightly.

            “Like shit.  You?”

“Same,” I uttered softly.

            “You can come in,” He said.

            I walked in slowly, pushing the door closed out of instinct.  I sat on the bottom of his bed, silent, looked at him, he sat up, he hadn’t put on any clothes, but I could see he’d had a shower, he smelt like that moss shower gel.  It’s kinda the same smell as pine.

            “Isaac, look…”

            “I lost my job,” He quietly uttered, “I my mother doesn’t want me here…my brothers are mad at me for being this way…even my friends want nothing to do with me anymore.” He sighed, “Jo…what am I gonna do?”

            “Ike…look, even if no one takes you in…you still have me…I’m responsible for all this…”

            “Yeah, is that your only reason!?” he demanded, “that you feel obligated.  Or do you care about me and you just don’t want to admit it?!?!”
            I looked at him, “of course I care about you…” I sighed.

            “Then act like it.  What does Taylor have that I don’t?”
            “Look, I’m over Taylor, okay?  I thought I liked him but I don’t, okay?”

            “What, do you like Zac now or something?” He shot.  Maybe I deserved it.

            “No, look I don’t like anyone, I just want things to get back to normal.”

            “Me too,” he sighed, “But I still feel the same way I did about you.  EVEN after all this.  EVEN though you don’t deserve the slightest bit of my affection let alone all my love.”

            “You’re right,” I nodded, “I know I absolutely do not deserve it.  I don’t deserve that at all.  I don’t deserve anything.”

            “Can’t we try again?” he asked softly.

            “Isaac…”

            “Please, Jo…c’mon, I really need this…I need you…”

            I looked at him, I really wanted to say yes, and yet I was pretty sure I didn’t feel much love or attraction for him, there were mixed feelings.  I didn’t want to put him through that again.  “No, Isaac.  Not again.  You can’t depend on me or anyone, you gotta get yourself together, and make friends and find a girlfriend, and forget about me.”

            He looked like tears would spring at any moment, “please…”
            “No…”

            “I don’t have anyone else…”

            “You have my friendship.”

            “I want more than that!!”

            “You can make do with friendship.”

            “God!” he got out of the bed, standing in his boxers, he looked a little thinner, and paler, “god, I can’t make do with just friendship, I am in love with you, damn it!!!  Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!?!  Are you this cold hearted that you would do this to me?!?!”

            “I’m not doing anything to you!!”

            “Why won’t you have me?!?!  Am I not good enough for you?!?” he looked dangerous, I began to grow concerned.  More than concerned.

            Scared.

            “For fucks sake I slept with you!!”

            “That was a mistake!”

            “Oh, a mistake now was it?!” he grabbed my wrist and swung me into the wall, the back of my skull hit the shelf and I saw stars, I let out a scream, I felt him smack me in the

face, I’m not sure if it was a slap or a punch, all I know was my vision was blurred, my cheek smarting.  I was so scared my body was trembling like crazy, I slipped down the wall, holding my face, I was crying, I would have never thought he was violent.  I hadn’t expected that.  That was my mistake I guess.  I hadn’t been prepared.

            I looked up and Isaac was holding his fist, I realised how much pain I was when I saw his fist.  He’d punched me, I winced and blinked tears.  Isaac grabbed his clothes and left the room.  I sat there for some time, until I heard the front door slam.  He’d left.  I got up and tried to pull myself together, I was dizzy, I assumed from how hard my head had hit the shelf.

            Jessica stepped out into the hall just as I was staggering out of the room, she looked at me, “oh my god…” she whispered.

            I looked at Jessica, I grabbed onto the banister near my side for support, blackness passing over my eyes in pulses of pain.  Jessica’s face seemed all distorted, I couldn’t grasp on anything, everything was fuzzy and dark.

            “Jo…what happened…”

            The last words that I heard were Jessica’s asking me that, then everything just seemed to dissolve into a black oozy warm sticky tired feeling.

           

 

Dear Diary – Wednesday

 

            I have been in bed since yesterday, the hospital almost kept me over night.  I said I’d accidentally walked into the corner of a shelf – my head was cut open at the back and I’d bled a lot.  I had to get stitches and they managed without having to cut or shave my hair.  They almost did shave the back of my head, but my mum begged them not to and eventually they gave in and worked around it, thank god.  I haven’t heard anything about Isaac.  Although people have asked about the welt on my face, I just didn’t say anything.  I told them I’d hit my face on the banister as I fell.  Jessica wasn’t there to say otherwise so I could get away with this.

            I keep thinking about Isaac though, am I letting the bastard away with this by not telling anyone that I didn’t just walk into the shelf accidentally – that it was his damn smack to my face that knocked me into it.  Fuck, I think I am letting him away with this.  But what can I do.  He’s at his ultimate lowest.  He has no job, no friends, even his mother wants nothing to do with him.  I don’t want him hurting anymore than he is already.  Even though he hit me.  Even though he does not deserve this…

            I don’t need to work until Monday (Mrs. Hanson offered to take two weeks from work if I couldn’t make it back soon, but I would rather get back to work – even if it does mean seeing Isaac again.), so I won’t bother writing in here until then.  Talk to you soon, diary.

 

 

Dear Diary – Monday

 

            My first day back at work proved a stressful one.  My head still hurts a hell of a lot, and I feel dizzy sometimes but I would rather be working than sitting at home with nothing to do.  As I stepped through the door that morning – I don’t knock anymore, I have a key to Mrs. Hanson’s house – Mrs. Hanson looked at me.  “Jolene, are you sure you should be working today?”

            “I’m fine, Mrs. Hanson,” I sighed, I rubbed the side of my head a little, I felt tired.  “The kids aren’t that much trouble, and Jessica is a great help with Zoe and Mackie, I’ll be fine,” I promised.

            “Maybe I should as Zac to stay home today to help you.”

            “Mrs. Hanson, it’s summer, he should be out with his friends, not staying home with me.”

            “Are you sure?” her blue eyes searched me for the truth.

            I gave a definite nod.  “Yeah, now go on, you’ll be late.”

            Mrs. Hanson left, I listened to her Ford Fiesta drive off, and then I headed up the stairway, into the small upstairs hallway and opened the room to Taylor and Isaac’s room.  Isaac’s bed was empty, and I half sighed in relief.  Taylor was fast asleep on his bed, topless, his body half only covered by his duvet.  I studied his body in detail.  Although he was lanky, his body was not body.  He was chiselled, perfect in every way, his hair wasn’t even mussed from sleep.  I felt an ache for him, an ache all over my body.  I had lied to Isaac I guess.  I wasn’t over Taylor.  Every time I looked at him I felt more and more attracted to him, and the fact that I couldn’t have him made me want him even more.  What was he doing with that bitch, Emma.  I couldn’t understand what he saw in her, she had absolutely no assets and every time I had seen her she was a snide little bitch to me, why I’m not sure.  If she so much as throws another one of those glances at me again I’ll knock her into the next century.  She better watch out.

            I listened closely in the hallway of the house, the whole house was quiet, the kids were all asleep.  I crept into Taylor’s room silently, and closed the door a little after me.  I walked over to the edge of his bed and sat down, he was situated on his back, eyes closed lightly, mouth slightly open.

            I tingled all over looking at that mouth, remembering how that mouth had kissed me.  God it had only been a weeks fling, why am I so hooked on him, he’s nothing special.

            I’m lying, he is special, he made me feel alive.  More than Isaac did, more than any guy has.  I looked at Taylor’s lips, longing for those lips on mines.  I began to lean over, intent on kissing him, and his eyes fluttered open slowly.

            He yawned my name, “Jo?”

            “Yes,” I whispered.

            “How are you feeling?”

            The moment was lost.  “I’m fine…” I mumbled.

            “How did you manage to walk backwards into my shelf…” he asked curiously, “and what is that on your face.”

            I began to feel emotional right then.  “I…I…”

            “Jo?”

            “Isaac hit me…” I blinked tears.

            “He what?!?!” Taylor demanded.

            “He got mad on Tuesday when I said that my sleeping with him was a mistake…” I burst into tears.  “He threw me into the wall and the back of my head hit the shelf…then he punched me in the face,” I sobbed.

            Taylor wrapped his arms around me, and held me “god, what an asshole.”

            I cried on his bare shoulder, letting him comfort me, my tears stopped fifteen minutes later.  Taylor looked at his clock and realised he was going to be late for work.  “I gotta go…”

            I sniffled, “okay.”

            Taylor got up and headed into the bathroom with his clothes, came back dressed, “are you gonna turn him in?”

            “No one would believe he hit me…”

            “I believe you.  I know how my brother has been.  He hit me, remember?”

            I sniffed, “Yeah.”

            “Do you want to get together tomorrow night?”

            I realised he was probably just feeling guilty but I didn’t care, I wanted him,I wanted his attention and I would do anything for it.  “Okay,” I nodded.  I didn’t even wonder what about Emma.  I didn’t care.  All I cared about was me.

 

 

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