I sat there in bed just looking at him, remembering last night clearly, every detail from the way he touched and kissed me to the way I touched him back. I didn’t understand what had caused it, we hadn’t been drinking, we hadn’t been stoned, we hadn’t been desperate. It just…happened.

How can SEX just happen? I’ve been asking myself this question all day.

I got out of bed sheepishly, naked as the day I was born and I pulled on a dressing gown and I headed into the bathroom, scrubbed off my body in the shower, I could still feel his finger prints on me, I didn’t know if that were good or bad. Still can’t decide. I got dressed, and I woke Isaac up. I shook him, he looked at me, smiled and closed his eyes again, "Morning," he responded.

"Ike, its noon," I explained.

"Afternoon," He grinned, his perfect white teeth showing. God I remember feeling those teeth on my neck and shoulder last night, he isn’t a hard biter, but he nibbles and chews lightly, I shiver right now just to think of it.

"Ike, get dressed…" I ordered.

"What’s wrong?" he asked, he sat up and looked at me, he was still tired, he reached behind me and pulled me in by the waist, held me nearer to him, he rubbed my back, I could tell he wasn’t a novice lover.

Anything but.

"My parents…if they find out you’re here…"

"Oh…" Isaac responded.

We’d fallen asleep before my parents had come home, and I don’t think my parents had thought to check on me since it was so late in the night, they probably hadn’t wanted to disturb me. So Isaac got dressed and I he kissed me goodbye and he slipped out of the house, lucky enough my parents were still asleep in bed, they’d been on nightshift so I was lucky they weren’t awake or they would have asked questions about who’d just left the house, because in this apartment you always hear the front door open and close.

When Isaac was gone, I tried to decide what I was going to do, tried to remember if we’d used to protection, tried to decide if I should give Isaac a chance or not.

I dreaded today because I knew I would probably have to see Isaac, and I was right, he must have worked extra hard at the bank to get home early because he came sauntering in at four forty five, he looked at me, smiled, and gave me a rose he’d picked from the garden. Jessica and Avery looked at their brother rather oddly, then to me. I felt somewhat guilty. Here I was their babysitter and I’d given Isaac preferential treatment in my own way. Jessica seemed a little…confused. I blushed, said thank you to Isaac, and I stood slowly.

"Isaac, can I have a word with you, please?" I questioned.

"Uhm, sure," Isaac grinned.

"Jess, keep your eyes on Zoë just now," I commanded, Jessica gave me a nod, and I rose to my feet and I headed into the kitchen, and Isaac followed me, smiling all the way.

I looked at him as I closed the door, he gave a slight smile.

I shook my head, "Isaac…get this into your head," I tried to not be too angry but it was frustrating.

His face dropped, he looked at me somewhat confused.

"I might have slept with you…but we are NOT dating."

"So…what, you used me?" he asked with some confusion.

Oh my god, I hadn’t even considered that he might have taken it seriously. I thought I would have been the used one more than likely. Oh my god, I didn’t know what I was going to do.

"No, I did not, but you could use some discretion, Isaac, god," I put my hand to my head, "Now your sisters know, they’re going to mention something to your mom…"

"My sisters saw me hand you a flower, big deal."

"Isaac…this is a really bad…idea…"

"So what are you saying? You slept with me because you wanted to get rid of me? You thought maybe if you slept with me that I’d just go away?" he looked at me, almost hurt.

I drew my breath, I don’t remember thinking that but I could see where he would get the idea.

"No! I didn’t think that!" I gasped.

"Jolene, could you sit down, please?" He questioned.

I sat down slowly, he sat opposite me, "Saturday night…was important to me, it was special. It was my first time."

Oh my god!!!!! He was a virgin!?! I thought. Somehow he’d seemed so experience I hadn’t even questioned him if he had ever slept with anyone else.

"And…I know it’s gonna sound REALLY crazy, but…I have feelings for you, have since the day I met you…call it stupid, I’m a romantic fool, but anyway…will you just take some time to consider it instead of just turning me down straight away. You might have a change of heart if you give it some time," he reached over and touched my hand, I looked down at the table top sheepishly, I couldn’t see myself feeling much for him in the future. But I was touched by his honesty – if that’s what it was.

"Okay…fine," I sighed. "Just…don’t go telling everyone, alright?"

Isaac nodded, "Okay."

I promised myself last night while I was lying in bed that I would not take anymore than a week to make my decision about Isaac. Thus, I should have at least come to a straight decision by Friday at the latest, if not, I should force myself to make a decision right then.

It was just so hard…weighing out the pros and cons, trying to pinpoint every little detail why and why not, should be able to find an answer. I tried looking at the pros. I came up with : Isaac is a sweet person, friendly and romantic, not to mention quite forward, he’s smart and cute. Those were just some of the pros. The cons were : he’s my boss’s son, he’s very intelligent, he probably has a much higher I.Q. than I do and it would probably be hard to make conversation with someone so clever, that and we probably have nothing in common, he’s probably too good for me.

Today, I sat deep in thought the whole day, I had plenty of time to think while the kids were at school and Zoë was sitting playing with her toys, and when I picked the kids up, I thought about it on my way there. But Jessica took my mind off of my thoughts, she came down with a big make up box which when she opened several compartments popped out.

"Can I do your nails?" she questioned me.

I shrugged, "okay," I agreed.

Jessica choose a colour for me, a very pale pink with a hint of glitter in it, scented like strawberries, she made me lay my hand out and she filed my nails a tad, smoothed them down, all the while she talked to me.

At one point, she asked me, "are you dating my brother?" she was painting my nails at this point.

I looked at her, "what makes you think that?"

"I heard him tell Taylor he slept with you," Jessica commented, nonchalantly.

I gaped, "I didn’t sleep with your brother," I lied, I had to tell her this, I couldn’t tell her I had sexual intercourse with her older brother and I didn’t even know why myself. She looked at me as if she didn’t believe that.

"Isaac doesn’t…usually lie," she remarked.

"Does it matter?" I demanded, "Jessica, that’s adult business."

She looked at me, "I think he really likes you…you’re all he talks about…"

I looked at her, caught my breath a bit. "What…does he say?" I asked of her.

Jessica just smiled, "That you’re pretty," she answered.

I lifted the mirror on her makeup box, and I looked at my plain brown eyes, plain brown hair, plain pale skin, I wondered what Isaac saw…

"You are," Jessica shrugged, "he also said you’re a sweet person."

Bet he’s not saying that anymore, I thought absently.

Jessica finished my nails. "There, all done," she smiled in a purely happy way.

I smiled, "thanks."

Jessica sat beside me, sorting out her makeup things. "You should date Isaac," she said.

"Why?"

"Cause then maybe you’d get married to him and be my sister."
Naïve for an eleven year old, but a sweet remark, nonetheless.

I looked at her, "that’s sweet," I smirked.

She grinned, "That’s me in a nutshell, sweet as can be."

I smirked, "Whateverrrrr."

Man, I have two days left to make my decision and I’m still quite unsure of what the final outcome will be. I feel like either decision will lead to mayhem – will be a mistake. I’m not sure, I wish I had someone to talk to about it. Sometimes it can be a real pain having to deal with this sort of thing on your own. Granted, all I had to do was decide whether I wanted to give him a chance or not. It wasn’t like I was deciding on the fate of the universe, but…I don’t know. It felt like a big decision.

Today, I saw him, it was after work, I went to the store to get some Diet Coke, Isaac must have been running an errand for his mother, because there he was, holding a shopping basket filled with milk, bread and eggs. He didn’t see me, I hid behind the aisle and watched him intently, he looked a bit far away today, as if he had a lot on his mind. I knew the feeling. I wasn’t sure if I should go and talk to him or stay where I was, hiding like an immature child with a major crush. I just didn’t know what the hell to do.

"Jo!"

I screamed loud enough to bring the roof down when I felt hands grasp my back, someone brightly said my name and I jumped and spun around, Taylor backed off.

"Hey hey hey," he put his hands up in his defence, "It’s just me," he smirked.

I pouted, "That wasn’t funny."

"Sorry…what you doing standing he—oh," Taylor saw where my view was leading, a smirk curled his lips.

"Don’t look at me like that," I folded my arms insecurely, like a stubborn child. "And whatever Isaac might have told you about sleeping with me, forget he told you," I added in a haughty tone.

"Hey…what rattled your cage?" Taylor took me by the arms and gave me a friendly shake, "calm down. He didn’t tell me to brag, he was asking for advice. He really likes you, I wish you could see that."
"Tay, I just don’t think that it would work out," I sighed.

"You could always give it a chance," Taylor pointed out.

I turned to see Isaac, now he could see both of us, but his eyes were on me, trying to see through me, wondering what I was thinking. I tried to put up a wall so he couldn’t see into my head like he’d always seemed to be able to.

"Well anyway, I better go," I broke my train of thoughts, not giving Taylor any reasons why I didn’t feel comfortable with giving Isaac a chance. I grabbed a bottle of Diet Coke off the shelf and I ran down to the cash register and paid and I hurried on home.

I have only two days left including today. Oh, and tomorrow the kids get out of school for summer vacation. Terrific, I’m gonna be busy all day. Of course Taylor and Zac will be around helping occasionally, but most of the time they’ll be spending time with their girlfriends I imagine. Mind you, at least I won’t feel so bored during the day. When the kids were at school and Zoë was napping sometimes there would be nothing to do but watch Jenny Jones or Sally Jesse Raphael, it was annoying in a way I guess.

It was boring.

I had a lot of thoughts today.

I must have been working for the Hansons at least a month now…maybe over, I haven’t really been counting, and I’ve never looked back in this diary to check, I never check dates.

It’s funny how time has gone so quickly. I’m really attached to this family, they feel like my own in a way, every day I feel closer to Zoë, Mackenzie, Avery and Jessica. Sometimes even Zac. I try not to think of them that way sometimes. Especially when I think of Isaac. Sometimes I think I would like to give him a chance, but…then I don’t know if it would affect my relationship with the kids. Jessica probably wouldn’t mind, she encouraged it, but…I still don’t know.

The most embarrassing thing happened today. Zac stayed home from school because he wasn’t feeling well, I was about to leave to pick the kids up from school and I thought I better let Zac know I was leaving…so I went upstairs, I don’t know why I didn’t think to knock, I never had before I sauntered in.

"Zac, I’m just gonna go pick up the kids…" I announced.

And what was lying on the bed just shocked me, I almost fainted, Zac was lying on the bed, half naked, hand around himself and I was standing there in his room and he stopped instantly, looked at me in shock, his eyes burst open and he pulled the covers over himself. "GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!" he screamed at me.

I rushed out of the room closing the door, I called out from the hall…

"OH MY GOD! Zac !!! I didn’t mean it!!! I’m sorry!!"
"You did NOT see that!!" Zac yelled from the other side.

"I didn’t see anything," I lied, "I swear!" I crossed my fingers.

Oh my god…how will I EVER Live this down?!

I have never been so embarrassed in my life, and I just cannot bear the thought of having to see him. I had to rush out of there when Isaac came home, I didn’t even give Isaac my answer I was so flustered. Then again it wasn’t as if I had an answer to give. I was so damn flustered I didn’t know what I was gonna do…

Oh my god! I cannot believe I walked in on Zac like that…I am such an idiot, I should have knocked on the door or something, I should have just yelled from the bottom of the stairs. I should have never gone into that room, I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to look that boy in the eye again knowing I saw him…naked…like that…

Oh god!

I am SO dreading work on Monday now.

Could anything go more wrong??? I was feeling bored today so I decided to go see a film to keep myself entertained for an hour or two…and FUCK, Zac was at the cinema, he was with Sam and he pretended he didn’t see me, but I could clearly see him glance in my direction, his face flushed, he looked away.

Then Sam hauled him over to me, "Hey!!!" Sam said

They took seats next to me, we were in the same screening room.

The movie was Mission Impossible II. I don’t even like action movies, but Tom Cruise is a hunk. The movie hadn’t started yet, I was sitting there with my popcorn. Sam grinned at me, "Hi, Jolene," she said cheerfully, "we didn’t expect you to be here."

"Likewise," I said in a bright tone, I wanted to lament that I wanted to leave and never have to be face to face with Zachary Hanson again…at least until we both forgot about my walking in on him pleasuring himself.

Zac stayed quiet, I didn’t say hi, I gave a little embarrassed wave.

"This movie looks good," Sam commented.

I tried to shut the incident out as the trailers came on and the lights turned down. I kept eating the popcorn, I offered Zac and Sam, they didn’t accept. I knew Zac liked popcorn, he just didn’t want to accept from me because he was a bit pissed off at me for walking in when he was…god I can’t even use the correct term for it without blushing myself.

I couldn’t imagine how embarrassed he was, it’d been his body on display like a peep show with a gigolo and a giant cucumber, I tried to force that thought of my head, I felt too sick to put up with it in my thoughts. I thought I’d throw up if I saw him in my head one more time that way.

I couldn’t wait to get out of there, but fuck, I got stuck on a bus ride with them, Sam is friendly and talkative, she spoke to me but Zac sat two seats in front of me in the bus just so he didn’t have to look at me. I really felt ashamed. I didn’t know how else to apologise to him.

I’m going to have to find a way to make it up to him or something.

The day I’ve been dreading – I guess I haven’t been dreading it too much with this situation with Zac, but it’s mostly been because it’s been 7 days since I gave Isaac my promise I would think about it and I’ve got to give him my answer now. Wish me luck.

I didn’t write after my entry yesterday, although I probably should have. The day went well, having the kids full time a day is pretty stressful but Jessica and Avery are old enough to know not to get into trouble, Mackenzie gets into everything but he always cleans up his mess or apologises sincerely. Taylor came home at three, and told me I could go if I wanted to…I waited, knowing Isaac would be home around five.

And he was, right on the dot, we looked at each other, he could see I had stayed deliberately.

"Can we talk?" I asked, looking at Isaac, I sat up straight in my chair.

His brown eyes looked at me quizzically, he gave a nod, and we headed into the infamous kitchen where our first talk just the Monday before had taken place. I motioned for him to sit and he sat. I sat down opposite him.

"I’ve spent the last week thinking…you know, about what you said…about you and me and stuff," I explained, I looked down at my hands, the floor, the window, the tabletop…anywhere but his face.

"Uh huh…" he trailed off, looking at me, waiting for my answer.

"I don’t really have…many…y’know…feelings for you…" I explained.

"Oh," was all he said.

"But…I’m willing to give you a chance and see how it goes…and if something happens it will, and if not…it won’t."

He smiled, I glanced at him, his eyes lit up like fairy lights and his lip curled into a heartshaped smile. It was a face of pure happiness.

I don’t know if I did the right thing.

I guess I’ll find out. I didn’t see him today but he said he wants to take me out on Friday night, he gave me the promise that he would call me tonight and indeed he did, there’s a first. A guy who actually calls you when he says he will, at the exact time he says he will. That’s almost unheard of in my books. He asked me where I like to eat – told him Pizza Hut is just fine. He asked me if I’d like to see a movie or something, I told him I’d like to see Final Destination, he agreed to that. He asked if there was…anything else I’d like to do. I said no. I don’t know if he was hoping for another sex session or what but it’ll be a while before – and if – that ever happens again.

Mrs. Hanson does not yet know Isaac is going to be taking me out on a date and I didn’t know how to bring it up to her this morning just in case I didn’t see her later on in the evening. I don’t know what I’m going to tell her.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hanson, I’m going out with your son on Friday, I’ve already slept with him and I possibly have a little Isaac junior floating around inside me right now.

God, I can’t believe I haven’t thought about that until this moment. I guess I should have thought of that. I didn’t have any sex life previously so I didn’t think it was necessary to be on the pill. And Isaac…well, I really don’t remember if he used a condom or not, it was a blur of skin and noises. I guess I could always buy one of those home pregnancy tests. It’d be less embarrassing than having to ask him myself.

But anyway, speaking of embarrassing let me tell you what happened today.

I was playing with Zoë when she decided to spray blackberry juice all over my nice clean white T-shirt. Well, everyone knows blackberry stains so I knew I had to take the T-shirt off and get the stain out before it got any worse. So I went through the clean laundry, found a reasonable sized T-shirt belonging to someone – I would find out who its owner was and explain to them that Zoë ruined my shirt and I had to borrow something until the other one got cleaned. With that, I ordered Jessica to keep her eyes on Zoë why I went up to the bathroom, I walked into the bathroom – never thinking to lock the freaking door because I’m naturally stupid. I whipped the white T-shirt off and just then Zac sauntered into the bathroom, took one look at me in my skimpy push up bra and his eyes shot open, looked like they would pop out like big white ping pong balls.

"ZACHARY!!!" I screamed at him, "GET OUT!!"

Zac flew out of the bathroom like a scared rabbit, I pulled the black T-shirt on quickly, grabbed my white T-shirt and I headed downstairs and threw the T-shirt in the washing machine and poured in some stain remover, and set it to wash. Well I guess he got pay back for me walking in on him wanking…

The shirt belonged to Taylor…no wonder it was pretty snug. That boy must get catapulted into his clothes, I wonder how he gets into them without greasing himself up silly. Today I saw the cutest thing. Jessica had a friend over – a boy. He’s twelve. His name is Ben and scarily resembles Macaulay Culkin when he was but a child. Spooky. Anyway, I was in the kitchen washing the dishes from lunch, and Jessica and Ben were outside sitting on the grass in the back garden. Jessica tossing her hair prettily as if she was trying to catch his attention. Then I could not believe what I saw. They kissed!

It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen in my life. Just that little innocent inexperienced bumping of lips that reminded me so much of my first kiss when I was also her age. I smirked to myself, and as I washed the dishes, I remembered how it felt when Isaac kissed me.

Isaac was no sloppy kisser, but his lips were soft, and wet and inviting. I had been so lost in my day dream I hadn’t realised the water was pouring over the edge of the sink and Avery pointed this out to me. I had to mop it up. Hehe. I guess you just can’t help being a girl sometimes.

The day Isaac has been anticipating since I told him – and he told me that. After work, he led me to his car, the C Registration Ford Sierra which was dark maroon. It was a car that didn’t suit him, I had to admit, he seemed like the type who would have a flashy car, like a silver Lexus, or a Fiat Punto. I wished I could drive.

We got in I admitted I wished I could drive, he offered to give me any help he could in between real driving lessons with a professional instructor. We got to talking, we laughed, we found out we both like the Eagles music…and that both of us both loved the song ‘Lyin’ Eyes’, not that I took it as a sign or anything. I have to admit, he is a better date than I thought he’d be, he acted as if we’d known each other for years and there was no tension between us because of what we had done two Saturdays ago – Thank god.

The movie was good, not scary to me, but it was enjoyable and we had pepperoni pizza at Pizza Hut. He was incredibly funnier than I thought he had been, he did Austin Powers impressions, and Beavis and Butthead. On the car ride home, he sang along to the radio, he had such a clear pure voice, it was neither spectacular or plain. It was just fitting of him.

"You have a good voice," I admitted.

"Thanks."

"Do you sing much?" I asked.

"I sometimes chill out, play the guitar, sing a few songs I make up myself," Isaac explained.

"You any good?"
"Not really, I always screw up. I play classical piano too."

"You’ll…have to play for me sometime," I smiled.

"Anything for you," He smiled at me.

I felt the little zing zing zing of my heartstrings. Strange. I’d never felt that before. Never that way for Swain at least. Then Isaac was undeniably different.

Yes, he definitely was.

I let him kiss me goodnight, but only on the cheek, I reminded him we were starting over fresh, none of that tongue action tonight. He just smirked and politely kissed my cheek and bid me goodnight, and off he went.

And here I am writing this stupid entry at midnight when I’m exhausted and just want to sleep. Goodnight!

I was sleeping until about 8am this morning when Taylor called, waking me up…

"We’re all going to drive up to Activision…" He said.

"What’s that?" I yawned.

"It’s a theme park," Taylor answered.

"Ohhh."

"So, wanna come?" Taylor asked in an excited tone.

"This is kinda sudden, I don’t know," I glanced at the clock and sighed knowing how early it was and how much I had wanted to sleep in the night previous.

"I know, we just decided last night, but we didn’t wanna call last night in case you were sleeping when we called."

"Well, uhm…who’s all going?"

"Me, Ike, Zac, Agnes and hopefully you…"

"How come Zac’s girlfriend isn’t coming?" I questioned in another yawn.

"She’s not allowed, see, Activision is like a really long drive, and we’re gonna spend the night down there…"

"Where are we gonna spend the night?" I questioned.

"We’re gonna take a couple of tents," Taylor explained.

"Is it worth it just for a theme park?"

"It’ll be cool, c’mon, where’s your sense of fun?" Taylor asked.

"Well…what will I need to bring with me?"
"Some money, a couple of things to wear, keep it light, you’ll need something comfortable to sleep in and maybe a sleeping bag or blankets…"

"Okay, when do I need to be ready…"

"For about ten? Just come over when you are."

"Okay," I agreed.

And when I hung up I had to rush around getting things into my rucksack, I took two changes of clothes, just in case, a T-shirt and shorts to sleep in, my CD walkman and a couple of CDs, and of course, I took this diary with me. I got my sleeping bag and I headed to the Hanson house.

Isaac was on the street, his car parked outside the house, he was tossing things in the trunk of the car, making sure everything fitted in, he was wearing cargo shorts and a black T-shirt, sunglasses balanced on his head, he looked cute. I walked over, and I nudged him in the back, he gave me a smile and put my things in the back.

Agnes and Taylor were arguing in the front garden, something about Taylor’s having maybe glanced at another girl who’d just passed or something, needless to say they piled into the car anyway, Zac was half asleep and he dropped off to sleep in the back next to Agnes and Taylor.

I sat next to Isaac in the front, Isaac was talkative while driving, we chatted, joked around, Taylor and Agnes were now not talking in the back. Isaac stuck on an Aerosmith CD and we all relaxed, Zac was sleeping peacefully, Taylor was staring out the window. I made pleasant conversation with Agnes, she wasn’t very talkative.

When we arrived at Activision, we had to pay a fortune just to put up two tents in the campsite, I thought it was a bit of a rip off, just for one night…

We pitched the tents, secured everything, and we headed off on our way, by now, Agnes and Taylor were sort of starting to talk again. Zac was fully awake and practically bouncing along on his way, and me and Isaac had some fun on just about every ride there was.

When night time came, we were all exhausted. We reached our tents at midnight, and we looked at each other.

"So…how we going to sort the sleeping arrangements?" Zac asked.

"Duh," Isaac rolled his eyes, "The girls can take one tent, we’ll take the other."

Taylor’s face dropped, obviously he must have had other plans…

"Wipe that look off your face," Isaac said.

We got our bags out of the car, and we went into our own separate tents. Agnes dropped off ten minutes ago. I can’t sleep.

I stopped writing about an hour and a half ago, I was feeling restless so I went outside, yes, in my night clothes and I sat on the grass, and I had a cigarette and sat deep in thought. I was surprised when Taylor came out. He looked at me.

"Got anymore of those?" He questioned.

I removed another one from the pack – I’d had the pack for about three months, I can take or leave cigarettes, sometimes when I can’t sleep I’d have a cigarette to relax me a bit. I didn’t understand why Tay would need relaxing. I lit him the cigarette and handed it over to him, he smiled and took a long drag of the cigarette, it obviously wasn’t his first, he blew a couple of smoke rings and he sat looking up at the sky. He had a troubled expression on his normally sweet features, he looked so much older than seventeen.

"Something wrong?"

"Yeah," Taylor gave a nod. "I’m thinking it might be time to…y’know, break up with Agnes."

I couldn’t believe he was thinking of breaking up with her, she was so beautiful, any guy would hate to lose such a girl.

"Why?" I asked casually.

"She’s controlling. She goes nuts if I so much as even look at any other girl. She hates me having a good time without her, won’t even let me hang out with my friends without her being there, that’s the only reason she came along today…because I was going away for the weekend with my brothers and she thought I’d cheat on her or something…" Taylor explained to me, he looked away with an upset expression, "There’s no trust. Without that, there’s really no relationship."

"So…when are you going to break up with her? When we get home?"

"Yeah, it’d be too much of a chance to do it tomorrow morning before we leave, otherwise its gonna be really awkward and uncomfortable on the car journey home."

"Yeah, you’re right."

"So…how come you can’t sleep?" Taylor asked of me.

"I have no idea, I’m just a fussy bitch," I smirked, I stubbed my cigarette out. "Night," I smiled and I headed into my tent, Agnes is fast asleep. Just as well. What if she had heard Taylor speak of her in the way he had?

This morning we had cereal for breakfast a little café, and we had our last turns on the rides, Taylor drove on the way back, I sat in the back, Agnes sat in the front, I was stuck in the back with Isaac at one side, Zac at the other and someone’s feet stank! One of these guys – I could tell – were the kinda guys who threw all their socks at the wall and would decidedly wear the ones that didn’t stick…

Ew.

It was a nightmare getting back, I’ll admit, I had to open the windows for air, Zac’s Airwalks were making me feel physically sick, they were so old and smelly, they were probably older than Mackenzie!

We got caught in traffic. The motorways were packed, bumper to bumper traffic, I couldn’t see where it ended, the car stayed in the same position for forty-five minutes. That’s when the argument begun. Agnes started it, she’d been picking a fight with Taylor, saying he was a useless driver, he should have taken the same road we got out and we wouldn’t have ended up on the motorway.

"Look, the way we came in is one way only!" he practically yelled at her, he had an arm leaning on the steering wheel, it was raining, the sky was dull and grey and it was dark in the car.

"God, you’re such a fuckwit, you always have to complicate everything!!! I had a fucking meeting with my friends at three and its already four!!"

"Well it’s not my fault! You knew we’d be back late on Sunday, but you insisted you go anyway ‘cause you were so fucking suspicious of me, thinking I’d go and screw some other girl! We’ll I’m sick of the way you treat me!!" Taylor belted out.

Agnes looked at him, frowning, turning around in her seat so she was properly facing him, "well if this slut in the back hadn’t come along maybe I wouldn’t have needed to come too!" she hissed.

"Excuse me?" I demanded in the back.

"Watch your mouth, or you’ll be walking back home," Isaac said in a calm vicious tone.

"You keep out of this, you bastard, I’m sick of your meddling!" Agnes spat at Isaac.

"This is my car, and if you don’t shut your fucking face right now, I’m gonna kick you out of it and I don’t care how the hell you get home," Isaac remarked. "Jolene had nothing to do with this, so don’t go picking fights just ‘cause you want something to bitch at."

I felt my anger penting up inside, how dare she call me a slut.

"Sure she had nothing to do with this!" Agnes yelled at Isaac, "The minute you said you were inviting the slut Taylor insisted on going when he didn’t want to go in the first place."

"Maybe that’s ‘cause she’s a hundred times more fun than you are, slutbags," Zac kicked Agnes’ seat stubbornly.

"Sit on it and spin, you little shit," Agnes gave Zac the middle finger.

I had had enough though, I unbuckled my seatbelt, climbed over Zac and got out of the car, I went up to the passenger side, yanked the door open, and dragged the bitch out of her seat, I pushed her against the hood of the car, her back arched, she wasn’t that much smaller than me but my anger had put up with enough and when I got angry even Satan couldn’t stop me. "Now you listen here," I pushed her down, the back of her head bumped against the metal of the hood, not hard enough to damage her, but enough to hurt her and make her think twice about saying anything about me again. "You ever call me, Isaac, Taylor or Zachary anything, you ever utter anything bad about them again and I swear, god as my witness, I will fuck you up, understand?!" I pushed her again, her head hit against the car again, "because you know what?! They might be unable to hit a girl, they might go down for it, but you can bet your fucking ass I won’t."

She just looked at me in complete shock, obviously she had expected me to be a little priss. She had another thing coming. She was all talk and no show.

"Got it?" I demanded.

She gave a vague nod, I shoved her, "get in the fucking car," I muttered, and I got back in to my space in between Zac and Isaac. Taylor turned around completely in his seat and looked at me with much admiration.

Zac smirked to himself smugly and Isaac stayed composed, shifted while I buckled my belt and then took my hand, twining his fingers with mines and sitting quiet the rest of the way home.

The journey was unnaturally quiet. None of us uttered a single word, Taylor parked his car at Agnes’ house, got out, opened the trunk, pulled out her bag and tossed it onto the pavement, he glanced at her as she was getting out.

"It’s over," he remarked, and he got into the car, slamming the door shut. I could see the tears in her eyes but she deserved it. I’m sorry, but you just don’t treat anyone that way.

"You did the right thing," Isaac said in a soft voice from the back, he reached over and patted Taylor’s arm. I looked at Taylor, he started the car.

"I know," was all he said, and with that, he drove me home.

And so here I am writing about how Taylor and Agnes broke up.

I should go now, I have work tomorrow. Night.

I headed over, and only discovered I didn’t need to be there. Taylor was home, Zac was home, and the boys had decided they would take their siblings to the Zoo. They invited me to come along, I almost decided against it, but I was up already, Mackenzie begged me to come along – his persistence reminded me of Isaac. So I decided to go along.

Taylor seemed fine for someone who had just ended a relationship. I guess he felt a bit relieved it was all finally over. Now he had a little freedom I guess he could use it.

Yet I found myself feeling a little uneasy, I found myself thinking about Agnes…why had she thought Tay had something with me? I couldn’t stop thinking about it…all day the kids were exclaiming ‘oh look at this’ and ‘look at that!’ and I found myself distant. Taylor noticed.

"What’s up?" he asked, he walked beside me, he was pushing Zoë’s stroller slowly along, walking at my pace while Zac walked up in front with Jessica, Avery and Mackenzie, I heard their laughing, a merry trill carrying over the Zoo.

"Not much," I shrugged, I walked with my hands in my pockets.

"Is everything okay?" he asked casually.

"Of course it is," I gave a smile.

"Can I talk to you about something?" he asked in a concerned tone, he looked away, distant for a moment.

"Sure…"

"I was thinking…y’know, about Agnes…and…I don’t know…something just…I feel like something isn’t quite right."

"Why worry about it now? It’s over, just like you said…"

"Yeah, but I mean…it’s like I never really had feelings for her…or for anyone…no… spark," Taylor explained sullenly.

"Why do you ask these girls out if you never have any feelings or sparks for them?" I questioned.

"They usually ask me out," Taylor explained, "And I just go along with it I guess, I mean…if someone totally gorgeous asked you out, wouldn’t you?"

"I guess," I shrugged, "not that I’m shallow and would only go out with someone just because they were good looking," I added looking down to the ground, somewhat thinking of Swain and feeling like a fool.

"I’ve never had a liking for any girl I’ve ever went out with, I mean, should I be worrying about that?" he asked.

"Why are you asking me and not your brother?" I didn’t understand why he would speak to me – who he’d known for little over a month – when he could speak to his brother – who’d been there all seventeen years of his life.

"Ike is okay to talk to, but…he probably wouldn’t understand. Besides, its easier talking to you because I know if I talk to you it won’t go around my whole family like a rumour – if I told Ike, next thing I know I’d hear that I’m supposedly gay," Taylor sighed.

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"
"Gay?"

"Hey, I’m a guy…I get…guy urges."

"Okay, that’s more than I needed to know," I smirked.

Taylor looked at her, "so what do you think?"

"I think you’re worrying over nothing. Normally you don’t get feelings for a person straight away, I mean I’m seeing your brother but I haven’t really got any feelings for him yet," I admitted.

"Okay," he nodded. "Okay, that sounds reasonable."

"Yeah, it does," I nodded.

I woke up this morning and I felt like shit, I can hardly speak – I have a throat like Ghandi’s flipflop!! I feel achey all over, especially in the head. I called Mrs. Hanson and told her I couldn’t be at work. She said it was okay, Taylor was home, he could handle it. Isaac stopped by at my house after work, he has the flu. I probably caught it from him.

Not feeling much better. Didn’t go to work. Jessica called me to find out if I was feeling okay.

Sweet.

Woke up feeling only a little better so I decided to go to work, Zac has this damn flu now. It’s spreading like crabs in a whore house. I think Avery is coming down with it as well, she looked feverish all day and although I insisted on taking her temperature four times and found nothing particularly abnormal about it I can’t help but notice how flushed she is and how lethargic she is today. Zac doesn’t look much better, he spent most of the day sleeping on the couch, or whining about how his head hurt. I wasn’t feeling much better by the end of the day.

When Isaac arrived home, I was thankful, he led me to do the door, gave me a gentle kiss goodbye, and I went on my way.

Why aren’t his kisses meaning much to me?

It’s almost been four weeks since I slept with Isaac…so today after work I headed out and bout a home pregnancy test, the test was supposed to be pink for positive and blue for negative. What the fuck is purple supposed to mean? I called up my doctors office and made an appointment, I can’t be seen until Tuesday. Terrific…

I haven’t even thought about mentioning the possibility to Isaac, I’m far too embarrassed to ask if he used a condom, and I scoured my room thoroughly just to see if I can find a condom packet or a box or a little torn off strip from a packet to indicate there was ever one, but there’s nothing. No sign, if he used one, he was very thorough in disposing of it and the evidence quick enough. But I doubt their was one. Guys prefer to not use condoms, they say it’s like shagging wearing a bin liner. Are we girls supposed to take ALL responsibility? I mean guys fuck us, refusing to wear condoms so we’re supposed to go on the pill, and if we don’t, we get pregnant and have to take responsibility for the mistake. It’s not fair!!!

Isaac and me had a date tonight, I think I was a little distance, he noticed, he tried to cheer me up, we played miniature golf, and he put his arms around me to demonstrate the right kind of swing. He was a sly old bugger, using those little excuses to touch me or cuddle against me, sometimes I even caught him smelling my hair when he thought I didn’t notice. It was sweet. And yet, no matter how sweet and romantic he was to me…it didn’t make me feel all gooey inside like I always had for other guys. I didn’t get the butterflies and the shivers and the anticipation. It was rather like dating a friend.

Then again, I realised it was.