Notes: before you continue I’d like to point out some notes about this story.

1. Jolene lives in the United Kingdom – I’m not sure where, it doesn’t really matter unless you want to imagine accents, most likely she’d either be English or Scottish.
2. The Hanson’s moved to the UK for Mr. Hanson’s job, Mrs. Hanson works in an office – although it’s unmentioned it will be at some point, stated.
3. Hanson aren’t of fame in this story – they aren’t famous musicians, they’re just normal guys trying to live their lives.

Diary of Jolene Laidlaw

Confessions Of A Babysitter

I just don’t know what to do anymore…

It’s like there’s no escape, I keep wondering if death is the only answer…

Spent most of the day in the library with my aunt, she’s got two kids – aged six and three, both little demons, given the chance to let all hell break loose. I baby-sit for them a lot, let my poor aunt get some time to herself – with two hellions to raise she never has much time these days. While I was in the library I took a look at the local newspaper lying on the table near the couch at the back…there’s a job vacancy for a full-time babysitter. I have a little experience – helping my aunt with David and Sarah had taught me a few things on childcare. I circled the paper and took it with me, intent on calling the number when I got home.

I called the number from the newspaper last night, querying the job advertisement in the classifieds. The man I spoke to, Mr. Hanson, told me to come for an interview today. So at noon, I headed over to the suburban part of my community, which, coincidentally, is right across the street from where I live. I pray I’ll get this job, I really need the money, I have to pay rent to my parent’s for letting me live with them, I need new clothes – my clothes are getting rather tatty, and my shoes are rather worn. I pulled on the nicest clothes I could, and I headed over to the big white house, and knocked on the door, a woman with the longest blonde hair I have ever seen in my life invited me in, she introduced herself as Mrs. Hanson, she’d be my boss, basically. We spoke for two hours, mostly about the family. The Hanson’s are from America, they moved here for Mr. Hanson’s job. Mrs. Hanson had just started working again, she had seven children living with her, three were teenagers, the rest all under twelve, one still practically a baby. I got to meet the four youngest children, Jessica, who’s eleven, Avery who is almost nine, Mackenzie who’s nearly seven, and Zoë, who’s around almost three. This family is the blondest family I have ever seen in my life, Jessica especially, her hair is platinum blonde and very pale skin, almost looks like an Albino. After the interview, I left, and I waited…Mrs. Hanson said she’d call if she decided I was fit for the job. I waited. No call.

This morning, I got a call from Diana Hanson, she offered me the job, she said her and Mr. Hanson had to work, her eldest son, who’s my age also has a new Job, five of the children are in school and Zoë stays home. My job would be from 8am until 5pm – I need to take the younger children to school, pick them up, watch Zoë all during the day and do some mild housework and cooking if needed. It sounded like a handful but the Hanson’s were of good money and they were willing to pay a good wage to the capable person. Mrs. Hanson suggested we try a trial fortnight, and see how thing’s go, if things don’t go well, we can discuss a way to fix the situation or I have the option to quit. She was fair and willing to give me a chance. I couldn’t ask for anymore than that.

Tomorrow I start working for the Hanson family, I’m half looking forward to it, half dreading it. I’m going to bed early, so I can be fresh for the kids.

Today was a nightmare, but I hadn’t expected anything to run smoothly, Mackenzie, the youngest son, is extremely hyperactive, and Zoë is a handful. Avery is at an age where she’s smart mouthed, and Jessica is a little sassy, they don’t like me very much. I was counting the minutes until 5pm, not that it helped. The Hanson’s were late getting home, it was after 6pm and they still hadn’t arrived home, eventually, one of the eldest sons arrived, Zachary is his name, he prefers to be called Zac. He’s a big strapping lad with broad shoulders and a gappy childish grin, long burnished hair that falls to his shoulders, and the most incredible perfect bronze tan I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t look fourteen. Zac is funny, and the kids adore him, Zac offered to hold the fort until his parents got back but I thought it unwise. He’s incredibly brainy, he talked like an adult, he used words I didn’t even know existed. It was eight when Mrs. Hanson arrived home, apologising for her delay, her car had broke down while she was on a motorway, and she couldn't get to a phone. When I got home, I fell asleep without even having had dinner, I was asleep before I hit my pillows.

Day two. The kids are quieter today, after I’d told Mrs. Hanson about their naughtiness the day before they received some reprimanding befitting of their misbehaviour. Mackenzie apologised and drew me a picture of a rainbow and a house. Jessica didn’t apologise, she wasn’t too happy about needing a babysitter at eleven, I decided she’d warm up to me. Avery was fine today. And Zoë was an angel. At four thirty, Zac came strolling in, dirty as if he’d been rolling around in mud, holding a football under his left arm, mud smeared all over his forehead and chin. Said he’d been playing football with a few friends, and his team had won, he looked victorious. Things were fine up until the point Jessica accused Zac of stealing a CD of hers, then all hell broke loose. I sent Jessica to her room, Zac stood there denying haven taken any CD, I wasn’t about to sent Zac to his room, he was too big to reprimand.

Then in walked the second eldest son of the family, this boy has a face you can’t forget, he’s delicately featured, almost girlish, but incredibly good looking, he has hair that’s cut in layers, framing his pale face perfectly, he has eyes that are as blue as the sea, lips as pink as rose petals, and he blushes when he speaks. He introduced himself as Taylor, he’s incredibly polite, he too, very articulate like Zachary, Taylor is closer to my age than Zachary, but Taylor gives the impression of being in his forties, the way he speaks. We had a brief conversation about Zac and Jessica’s argument, before Mrs. Hanson arrived home. Mrs. Hanson informed me that if Taylor or her eldest son arrives home before she does, then I’m free to go, but I shouldn’t worry, I’ll still get paid for the time I’m not there if I get away early. I was pleased to hear that.

Jessica got into brawl at school, the teachers weren’t too happy, they couldn’t get a hold of her mother or father and I had to go collect her at eleven thirty, she was suspended the rest of the week and the headmaster said she was lucky she wasn’t being suspended the week of the school camping trip. She has a hell of a shiner, her eye isn’t swollen, but it’s blackening up, her mother is going to go stark raving mad. Jessica walked with her head low as we left the school, apparently she’d lost the fight. When I asked what she’d been fighting over, she didn’t tell me, she just kept her little mouth shut and kept walking. We got home, she went to her room without being told to. I did some housework, picking up Zoë’s toys. I was surprised when at one thirty, just as I was about to make lunch for Jessica and Zoë, that the eldest son came waltzing in, I got my first glance at him, like the rest of his family, he’s blonde, but a very dark almost dirty blonde, and his hair is short and wavy, he has soft brown eyes, and he too, is very tan. He introduced himself as Isaac, I didn’t get the time to speak to him, he offered to take over, pick the kids up from school, and he had a half-day from work. He got me off work three and a half hours early, I didn’t complain, I just headed off. To be honest I was glad to be out of there, I didn’t want to have to be the one to explain Jessica’s black eye to Mrs. Hanson, I’d left Isaac with details…he promised he’d "pass on details".

This week is going by pretty quick, I’m writing this now in the Hanson’s house. Mr. Hanson always work’s late, he’s a very busy man. Mrs. Hanson wanted to go to a friend’s dinner party, and she asked if I would mind babysitting overtime, she offered me double money for working extra time. I didn’t complain, I did need the money. The kids were good, Zac was home most of the night, he sat and entertained them, they played Nintendo with him while I kept Zoë entertained with a baby-size keyboard with little coloured keys. Now the kids are in bed, apart from Zac.

Zac looked at me, "You could go home you know, and I could stay ‘Til Tay gets home," he offered.

I shook my head, "No, its my responsibility, no offence, I’m sure you’re quite capable," I responded, "But your mum told me to only go home if Taylor or Isaac came home before they did," I explained.

"She doesn’t trust me."

"You’re fourteen," I reminded.

"I’ll be fifteen in October," he yawned, he switched channels on the television, looking around absently, obviously bored.

I didn’t say anything to that, I just let him sit there switching channels, doing as he pleased, Zac was a good boy, he was polite and always offering to do things, offering to make tea or coffee or get a soda or a cookie if I wanted some. I always refused, the kids took so much energy out of me I was too tired to eat.

"You look tired, and I don’t blame you," Zac responded.

I smirked, Zac was very observant, and he knew as well as I did how boisterous the kids could be, they were probably eating too much sugar.

I felt exhausted alright, when Mrs. Hanson came home at ten, she apologised for being so late, and she promised me I would definitely be paid well for my time, I went home and again, I slept like a log.

Friday, pay day and also my last day of the week I have to watch the kids, at least until next Monday. However if the Hanson’s decided they needed me I gathered I was probably at their beck and call, after all, I was their babysitter. Mrs. Hanson had warned me there would be weekend work involved occasionally too, I don’t know why, I had a feeling that this weekend would be one of them. I prayed not, but knowing my luck…

I picked the kids up early from school – it being their half day.

Taylor popped in earlier that day, Friday being half-day at his school also, Taylor was seventeen, this was his last year there before he decided to do a college course, I wasn’t sure what he was aiming to do, he was very intelligent, I gathered probably something to do with literature or something. He looked at me, he could see how tired I was "kid’s taking their toll on you?"

"I guess," I responded, I’d been sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of strong coffee, trying to waken up a bit.

"Don’t let them get to you, don’t let them run all over you, you have to let them know who has the upper hand," he explained.

"They got the upper hand."

"Is Jessie being a bit bitchy?" Taylor questioned, he grabbed an apple from the bowl on the counter and took a bite, leaned with his back against the counter, looking at me expectantly.

"Yes," I had responded.

"She’s like that with everyone lately, so I wouldn’t take it that personally. I take it you know about the fight?"

"The one at school? Yeah, I was the one to pick her up…" I responded.

"Know why she started the fight?"

"Why?"

"The other girl said Zac was gay and Jessie doesn’t like people dissing on her brothers," Taylor crunched his apple, "She’d be too proud to tell you that of course, she eventually told mom about what really happened," Taylor had explained to me, he stretched, "Well I better head on out, supposed to be meeting my girlfriend in twenty minutes," he glanced at his watch.

I wasn’t that all surprised to know Taylor had a girlfriend.

Zac arrived not long after Taylor had left, Zac grabbed himself a sandwich and a soda and headed through to the living room, ten minutes later I’d heard music coming from the piano and I walked through finding Zac playing a fine ditty on the piano, obviously he had some music knowledge, he seemed to be reading from sheet music. I pretended I wasn’t watching, and I headed back into the kitchen. I supposed I shouldn’t have been so surprised to see Zac was musically talented, he seemed a smart young boy. I gathered he’d probably been late because he’d had a piano lesson. The house was amazingly quite, Mackenzie had a friend over, Avery played with her Barbies and Jessica watched TV. Zac practised his piano and Mr. Hanson was home at four so I got away early again. I wasn’t needed until Monday. Mr. Hanson paid me in cash, my eyes were popping out when he calculated my wage in his head, it was just a tad bigger than I expected, I had almost forgotten about the overtime…

Today, being Saturday, I went to town to shop for new clothes with my first wage. I was kind of surprised to see Isaac Hanson, the eldest of the Hanson clan, also up town, shopping in Next, same as I was. Isaac was one of those cool pondering people, he had a lot of friends, he was with a group of four, all guys, incredibly good looking guys. I was mesmerised, especially by the one in the blue Tommy Hilfiger jacket, I don’t know his name. Isaac didn’t introduce me. Isaac did, however, walk over.

"Hey, Jolene," he greeted with such warmth, almost as if I was kith and kin.

"Hi," I forced a smile, I still felt so drained from the previous week.

"Just your luck, huh, your weekend off, and you still can’t escape the claws of the Hanson clan," Isaac chuckled, he had a gorgeous laugh.

"I know," I laughed slightly too, "just my luck."

"Mackenzie was asking where you were today," Isaac smirked, "I think he has a crush on you."

I laughed, that was certainly hard to believe.

Isaac’s friends called him over, and Isaac smiled politely and said he’d see me on Monday, and with that, we parted. I bought enough very little, not having the energy for a proper shopping spree. I just bought without trying on, a few pairs of jeans, a pair of cargo trousers and a couple of T-shirts, a new pair of Nikes, just to replace the old worn down ones I was wearing.

I probably won’t write in here tomorrow…I’m far too tired, I’m gonna try and catch up on sleep.

It’s Monday, and I’m relieved to find out Jessica is away at school camp for the week, that should give me a bit more peace and quiet. I saw Isaac today, and that gorgeous friend of his – whom he introduced as a guy he worked with –his name is Swain, he’s got dark hair, dark eyes and a gorgeous smile, he’s tall and broad and very manly. Isaac introduced us, Swain surprisingly flirted with me! Ran out to the front garden, grabbed a rose from the bush, and brought it back to me and offered it to me. I’d smiled. He didn’t offer me his number but I know I’ll see him again. I think I’m in love, hehe.

Today, Avery got ten out of ten questions on a test correct at school, when I picked her and Mackenzie up from school her smile was beaming from ear to ear. When we got home, I made cookies as sort of an encouragement. Taylor arrived home a little after 4pm, with his girlfriend, his girlfriend is so pretty, and sweet, she looks like a model, and that’s no joke. They look like the perfect couple. Her name is Agnes, she doesn’t look like an Agnes. Taylor asked politely if I could stay watch the kids anyway despite the fact he was home, he said he’d just popped into change his shoes, said the ones he had on were hurting his feet.

He and Agnes left, and Avery helped me scoop the cookies off the tray and onto a wire rack to cool, she couldn’t help but much away at a few even if they were warm – she said that’s when they were best. Mackenzie fell asleep on the couch and Avery curled up on the chair and watched a movie. Isaac arrived home at 5.15pm, and Swain was with him. I stood up when they entered the living room, blushed, because Swain looked so good I couldn’t help but think of how much I wanted to get it on with this stud muffin. God he is so hunky.

Isaac stood patiently while Swain asked if he could have my number, after that, Isaac went and got a few CD’s he’d promised to lend to Swain, and Swain went on his way. Isaac looked at me, "I’m not trying to be funny," he said to me, "But Swain’s a really cheap guy, you’d be better off without him."

"Nice way to talk about your friend," I’d retorted.

"He’s an okay friend…but he’s a lousy boyfriend, his last girlfriend could vouch for that," Isaac commented, "But if you wanna take a chance, that’s fine, I guess it could work," He shrugged, he went into the hall and got my coat for me, all gentleman like. "Here," he said, "You can head off now, I’ll watch the kids ‘til my mom gets back," he said.

I didn’t argue.

Mackenzie came out of school in a mood, he was tired and cranky, he looks like he’s got a little cold. His nose was sure running a mile and a half down his face, I gave him some hot orange juice and put him into bed, he was settled and asleep an hour later. Avery read a story to Zoë, and I curled down with a book that had been lying on the table – it must have belonged to Mrs. Hanson – it was ‘The Colour Purple’ by Alice Walker, I decided to give it a try. I wasn’t surprised that Mrs. Hanson wasn’t home at five. Six O’clock came and sure enough, Taylor came strolling in on his own, it was raining out and he was soaked from head to foot, he looked utterly gorgeous, I almost caught my breath. How could such a beautiful boy be so young? It was almost a crime. If he had been any older – I would have thought it was okay to think of him the way I thought of men.

The way I thought of Swain.

Taylor hung his Jacket near the fire to dry. I looked at Taylor, he certainly was tall. "Oh, reading that, huh?" Taylor tipped the book in my hands towards me so he could see the title. "It’s good, I just finished reading it."

"Yeah, I just found it on the table."

"It’s really good, better than the movie," he admitted, "you can borrow it if you want…"

"Are you sure?" I questioned of him.

He gave a slight smile, his perfect pouty lips produced the most perfect smile I have ever seen on a boy in my life. "Definitely. Besides, I think you’d like it…"

"What’s it about…?" I wasn’t familiar with either book or movie…I’d only just read the first few pages when Taylor had come home.

"It’s about black women in the South, between the wars," Taylor explained, "about this woman called Celie, about how she strives through her life with a Husband who beats her up, and how her sister was taken away from her, how her children were stolen from her, it’s kind of sad in a way, it sure has a happy ending though. It sounds sappy but it’s really engrossing." he promised. "You’ll like it."

"How can you be sure?"

"I read it and I don’t normally go in for that kinda stuff, but, hell, I liked it."

I smiled, "okay, then I’ll borrow it."

Taylor sent me on my way, I took ‘The Colour Purple’ with me.

Diana has just informed me this morning that Mr. Hanson and herself have separated. The children were devastated, Avery cried in my arms for almost an hour. Zac stayed home from school, he himself seems upset – I don’t blame him. The kids stayed home, Mackenzie, because he has a cold, and Avery because she was far too upset to go. I can only imagine how Jessica will handle the news when she comes home from School camp. Poor kid…

Zac sat at the piano, and absently fingered with one hand, I watched him, transfixed. I felt sorry for him, he had the expression of a young man who was ready to burst into tears, but was far too proud to let himself cry. Men don’t cry.

The house had an eerie feeling today, I could tell it was because everyone was so sad. Diana came home early to spend time with her children. She thanked me for my time. She asked me if I could perhaps take the children out tomorrow on a trip until I have to pick Jessica up, just so Mr. Hanson can get his belongings out of the house without their being any upset. Avery and Mackenzie were again, to skip school tomorrow, with their upset and all Mrs. Hanson didn’t think it would be a good idea. She herself had tried to get out of work, but they needed her so she couldn’t be excused. Besides, if the kids were to go to school straight away they would almost be eager to tell their teachers and friends about their parent’s separation. I agreed, and went off home. Got home, no one was home, got a phone-call from Swain…

Me and Swain talked for an hour, he seems funny and sweet, I’m falling for him heavy man.

I read into quite a bit of ‘The Colour Purple’ before settling into bed to write this. Taylor is right, it IS really engrossing.

I can’t bring myself to write much about today.

Jessica found out her parent’s are separated.

I was too upset to write about yesterday, it was hellish, poor Jessica, she cried for hours, then she called her mother every name under the sun. Said if her mother wasn’t so much of a slut maybe they would have needed to get separated. Zac stormed out of the house, went to stay with a friend, didn’t say when he was coming back. Taylor was quiet, I saw Isaac also yesterday.

Isaac kept saying, "it’s been due for a while, we all knew it would happen sooner or later."

I looked at him, "But the children…"

"Children adjust, they’re good at that, they can get distracted with toys and video games…" Isaac said, "When you’re our age, it’s…a little tougher," He explained. "You remember everything to clearly, and those memories just bite you in the ass."

How deep. But yeah, I know how memories can jump up and bite you in the ass just like he said. I replayed that conversation in my head, I can still remember how tired and strained his voice sounded, and…how he acted, as if he were pretending to be alright, cool as cucumber. I suppose he has to be the one to show a brave face, after all, he is the eldest.

Today, I went over to the Hanson’s house even though, I wasn’t particularly supposed to be working today, but I don’t know, I felt sorry for Mrs. Hanson, and I just had to go and see her, and the kids, and see how they were feeling. Mrs. Hanson opened the door, she put up a brave face, just like Isaac, she seemed surprised to see me.

"Jolene," she gasped almost.

"I know, I’m not working today, I just thought I’d stop by and see how you all were…" I explained to her.

Avery Mackenzie jumped out from behind his mother with a water pistol and skooshed me, giggling insanely, then running as if his life depended on it.

"MACKIE!!" Mrs. Hanson yelled at him, she almost went to chase after him, she looked at me, "come on in," she offered, and then, with that, she chased him up the stairs, running after him at a speed that nowhere near matched his.

I walked on in, Taylor and Isaac were sitting in the living room discussing something, I looked at them, "Hi guys," I greeted.

Taylor stood up, "Jo," he called me, his new lovely nickname for me, I didn’t mind, Taylor was so gorgeous he could get away with anything.

"Hi," I gave a smile.

"We didn’t expect you here today," Isaac sounded aloof today, almost as if he wasn’t really all there. He appeared tired and absent almost.

"I just thought I’d see how you all were doing, especially the kids," I explained, Jessica sauntered in, she looked just as Isaac did, tired and distant. I looked at her, she glanced back at me, something was unsaid but understood…

"How you enjoying the book?" Taylor broke an almost deafening silence.

"Oh, I’m enjoying it a lot…" I admitted.

Jessica sat down, she was undeniably quiet – incredibly for a child who was smart mouthed and always had something to say. I had a somewhat…dislike for her right at that moment, because of how she’d acted around me, it was clear she didn’t like me.

"Please, sit down," Taylor offered politely.

I sat down, "so how are things going?"

"Things are going…as well as can be expected," Isaac said grimly, "Avery is upset, Mackenzie’s younger, he’s managing to deal with it all pretty well I think," Isaac glanced over at Jessica, looking for any kind of sign of her emotion in her eye, she had none. I looked around, "Where’s Zac?"

"He’s still at Kevin’s," Isaac said, "He’s upset, thinks this is all mom’s fault…" he trailed off quietly, not wanting his mother to hear, wherever she may be.

I spent some time talking to the kids, and the two eldest brothers, they seemed alright for the most part, apart from Jessica who sat there brooding all night, I was invited to stay for dinner, but I didn’t want to impose, I was anxious to get home and see if Swain had called, with it being Saturday I thought he might have called looking for a date. No such luck.

Taylor asked for my phone number. I asked why, he just shrugged, "You seem cool to hang with," had been his remark, and with that, I headed off on my way.

Swain didn’t call at all.

Was surprised when at noon today, Taylor Hanson called me, we spoke, he told me his father was supposed to be stopping by today to take the kids out for something to eat. I asked if he was joining them, but he said no. He already had plans with his girlfriend, and he admitted that Agnes could be particularly bitchy if he cancelled plans on her – even for something so important as spending time with his family. Taylor is a lot chattier than I would have given him credit for. The first time I met him I remember how much he would blush at every word he said. He was so sweet and thoughtful, and so intelligent I was very intrigued. We spoke about things I didn’t normally have the chance to speak to guys about – books and documentaries and places in the world…

I was almost disappointed when he said he had to end the conversation so he could meet his girlfriend.

Taylor is cool.

Things seem a little better today – and came back from his friend’s today at three, he’s been skipping school, I don’t suppose his mother will be as mad at him for that as she will be that he was hiding out at his friends and hadn’t called or stopped by to see if everything was alright, or at least let the family know that HE was alright. He looked hardened to his situation now, the first thing he asked me upon his entrance through the back door was –

"How’s the bitch been?"

By bitch I assume he means his mother.

"She’s been fine," I assure.

"Typically, she doesn’t give a fuck," Zac grabbed a can of Coke from the fridge, popped it open.

"I’m sure that’s not true…"

"She doesn’t love him. She fooled around with other guys, Jo, we all know it," Zac had retorted to me, there was some hurt in those big brown eyes of his.

"Maybe she’s just misunderstood…"

"C’mon, Jo, be serious! She wasn’t at a friends dinner party last Thursday, she was with some dickhead, screwing the night away, while you were here, slaving the night away!" Zac almost yelled.

I didn’t want to get that involved, it wasn’t my place to judge the family, "this is really none of my business, Zac," I confessed.

Zac sighed, "Fine," he muttered, obviously he had been looking for someone to listen to him, and I would have, but…I didn’t want to hear all this stuff about Mrs. Hanson…

My thought right at that moment was that it wasn’t my place to know.

When Mrs. Hanson got home, she seemed unbelievably cheerful…

And now I wonder if Zac was possibly…right?

Jessica talked to me today, she had something interesting to ask me…

"Is it good to keep a diary?" Jessica asked of me.

I had flicking through ‘The Colour Purple’ at that point, I looked at her, "Why are you asking me?"
"You have a diary with you everywhere you go…" she explained.

"It’s good to keep a diary so you remember things…it’s almost like having someone to talk to, only the diary can’t spill out all your secrets and stuff…and it can’t judge you," I explained.

Jessica sat down, "then I probably need one," she said.

It was all that was said between us…the rest of the day went as per usual. After work – which was quite early – I went over to the store and bought a new diary, with a lilac coloured front, and a little gold lock, it wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t too expensive. It’s a present, for Jessica. I figure she could use a non-judgemental source to tell all her secrets and thoughts too.

Jessica’s face lit up when I showed her the diary, she couldn’t believe it, after the way she had treated me, she looked almost like she would cry. I said to her, "you can tell all your secrets to it…and write down all your thoughts…and feelings…and who your crushes are and bad things about people you hate…and you can lock it too…" I showed her how the key worked in the lock. Jessica thanked me, she sounded almost…somewhat happy.

I saw Swain today, but only a fleeting glance out the window, he drove Isaac home from work – I saw him in his big black Granada. He looked devilishly good.

Huh…been a while since he called.

All hell broke loose, Jessica got her little friend…for the first time. She panicked because obviously she didn’t expect it, then she cried because all her mother had in the house were tampons and she didn’t feel quite like putting a bullet up herself. I guess I was lucky I had some sanitary napkins in my bag. I feel so bad for poor Jessica, as if it wasn’t bad enough her parents were separated, and she’d been having a hard time with her life, now she had to start her ascent to womanhood. I explained it was completely natural but she demanded "why now?! Why does this have to happen now?!"

I was kind of wondering the same thing and I didn’t really have an answer for the child. It’s hard being the babysitter, being the one the kids start to go to for answers…and to find out that you have none. You feel almost like a failure. As if Jessica getting her period wasn’t enough, Taylor stormed in fuming because he and his girlfriend had had a disagreement, Zac made some nasty comment about Agnes –

"She’s just a slut anyway," Zac said it rather casually, as if he didn’t care about his words.

Just as I was about to leave, it looked like they were about to get into a physical fight, Taylor looked ready to kill, and Zac didn’t look no different, I had to get in between them.

"Now guys!" I burst in, "Stop it! You’re too old to be fighting like children!" I told them.

Zac made some comment, I didn’t catch it, sounded like something along the lines of ‘you can’t tell me what to do, fuck you’. It hurt my feelings but I pretended as if it didn’t, and kept jumping between him and Taylor which ever move they made, just then, Mrs. Hanson arrived home, I grabbed my bag, said goodbye quickly to Mrs. Hanson, and let her deal with it.

Dad got a job working nights. Terrific. Now I’m home alone all the time I am home. Perfect…

Swain still hasn’t called.

Jessica had her first cramps today, when she got home from school she whined like a baby, at first she exclaimed it was so bad that she needed to be taken to the hospital. I assured her it wasn’t so serious, I filled a hot water bottle for her and told her to go lie on the couch with it against her belly. She did as she was told, she was too sore and too worn to argue.

Avery came up to me during the day, and said, "What’s wrong with Jessie…"

I struggled to explain it, in the end, I just told Avery she had an upset tummy, and that seemed enough to content Avery right now. It wasn’t my place to teach the Hanson kids about periods.

When Zac come home from school, he didn’t even stop to say hello, he rushed upstairs as if he didn’t even want to see me. I noticed he had a black eye. Looks like Taylor had swung at him after all. He probably deserved it, saying such a thing, obviously Taylor had high opinions of Agnes and didn’t like anyone disrespecting her. Especially not his fourteen year old brother.

Mrs. Hanson arrived home with groceries, I stayed back to help her put them away, Mrs. Hanson seemed somewhat troubled.

"Are you okay, Mrs. Hanson?" I asked.

"I’m fine," she assured, "Have the kids been behaving?"

"Yes," I nodded, I chose not to tell her about Zac’s rude comment yesterday, I’d give him the chance to redeem himself, not sure if he would.

When I left I felt somewhat…beaten.

I did consider quitting my job right then, it felt like I was getting involved with the family too much, and I was beginning to ponder too much about everyone’s troubles.

Swain finally called, about 3pm this afternoon, he sounded cheery, asked if I fancied perhaps going out with him tonight. I’d just started my monthlys and I felt bloated and ill, I didn’t feel like going out with him, besides, it had taken him too long to call.

"No," I replied, I think my voice sounded rather harsh, because when he replied he sounded somewhat surprised.

"Oh…oh, okay, I just thought you’d maybe—"

"You said you’d call me back and you didn’t," I had told him, again, he sounded more surprised.

"Well, you know, I work a lot…"

"You work the same hours as Isaac does, and Isaac is just about always home," I remarked.

"I’ve been doing overtime. Are you sure you don’t want to get together?" Swain asked of me.

I thought of him the other day when I’d looked out the window and seen in the car, that cool handsome rugged appearance of his, the cropped dark hair, the way he was leaning his arm on the steering wheel.

"Well…" I began to give in.

"There’s this party tonight," he finally said, "you could be my date," he offered.

I wasn’t altogether that sure, but he was so cute…it wasn’t like had gorgeous guys asking me out every day, I had to take the chance while it was there I suppose. I thought of how good looking he was, and my anger melted away.

"Okay," I finally gave in.

We arranged to meet somewhere and then we’d go to the party…

Swain is the biggest asshole I have ever met, I can’t believe I went out with him. He drove his car to the party knowing he would be drinking…

First half hour he was stoned and drunk, sprawled across the couch in a lethargic way, looked like he was lost to the world, as if he didn’t even know where he was, he had a somewhat bemused smirk on that pretty face of his, and good looking as he was, I was angry with him. Some of the people I used to work with were also at the party, including my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend, Kris, and me didn’t part on bad terms, he’d been having problems with a lot of things and he’d suggested we slow for a while, I guess we just never really got back together. Me and Kris talked, while Swain lay passed out on the couch.

Kris was a sweet person, and so incredibly funny, he always had something incredibly stupid to say and it always made me laugh. He was down to earth and friendly, I missed him.

One of the reason’s we had broken up – one of his main issues – was that he had a kid to some older woman called Brenda, and well, Brenda had took the kid, and Kris had sort of fallen into depression. That was when he’d suggested it’d be best if we stopped being a couple until everything was back to normal.

Yep, I can certainly pick them.

Kris wasn’t drinking, he drove me home, we didn’t talk about reconciling, although I wanted to.

When I got home, I went to bed and cried, and I’m not even sure why, I didn’t know if it was because Swain had been a really lousy date and I’d been crazy for him – or because I still had feelings for my ex.

Today, I’m all cried out, I took my dog to the park, took a long walk, trying to think.

I decided that I shouldn’t quit on Mrs. Hanson right now, she needed me. She was a single parent now, working constantly, she had five kids who needed supervision and someone to be home for them. Besides…

I realised in all honesty…

I would miss Taylor.

I officially hate Mondays. It’s official. There’s this poster on the girls bedroom door in the Hanson’s house with Garfield with his head tossed back saying "do it to me now, Monday! Get it over with!!"

How true…how blatantly true.

Jessica has been writing in her diary, she sat in the living room curled up in the corner of the couch writing for almost an hour. Mrs. Hanson had instructed me she would be late again, but I didn’t mind. She’d said the latest she would be was 9pm.

At 5pm, in strutted Taylor, he had a bruise on his face, not fresh, I had the feeling it must have been the result from the brawl with Zac on Thursday. I decided not to ask him.

"I wish I could stay and take over the kids for you," Taylor said softly, he seemed preoccupied, "but I gotta go watch my girlfriend in the school play," He explained, took off his top and dropped it onto a chair in the kitchen, began searching through a big basket of clean folded clothes, hopeful to find something nicer than what he’d had on.

I noted then how absolutely lanky the boy was. Topless, he was oddly shaped, he was thinner than I was! That’s not fair, I thought. Taylor pulled on a clean shirt, and smoothed it down, I wondered if those clothes of his could possibly get any tighter, I wondered how he got into those trousers…I imagined he’d have to have been poured into them.

"So…how are things?" I asked, I helped myself to a can of soda from the fridge.

"Oh, fine. Zac’s moody now, but it’s fine, I don’t see much of him, only at night. Unfortunately, I have to share a room with him, but hell, he’s not speaking to me. First time in forever, finally, peace and quiet," Taylor tried to feign equanimity, but I could tell he was uneasy. I understood it.

"I think I should apologise for what he said to you, it was really uncalled for," Taylor admitted, god, why did he think that HE had to apologise for his brothers words? That certainly was unfair. But sweet nonetheless.

"It’s fine, I’d forgotten about it, already," I admitted. Huh, I really hadn’t. Zac’s words had cut into me like a knife into cake. I expected that knife probably came out clean too, and Zac was probably guiltless.

"He’ll apologise eventually, he always does," Taylor promised, "He’s just going through a rough patch, we all are. The family is falling apart," he explained.

I nodded, understanding.

"I heard you were at Thomas’s party on Saturday…" Taylor said casually, he ran his fingers through his effulgent hair.

"Yeah, I was."

"With Swain-no-brain?" Taylor raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"Jo, he’s an asshole," Taylor said. "Don’t let his looks fool you, I know he looks sweet and innocent, but he’s got a bad reputation, hasn’t Ike already told you?"

"Isaac did tell me, yes, but I didn’t wanna believe him, but now I guess he’s right."

"Did he do anything?" Taylor asked cautiously, I had the feeling if I told him something he didn’t want to hear he would march straight up to Swain’s house and knock the guys teeth out.

I was really starting to adore having a friend like Taylor. I guess it wasn’t even officially spoken that we were friends but he seemed to act that way and so I liked to think of him as a friend – not just my boss’s son.

"Not to me, to himself," I shrugged, "He got stoned and drunk within the first half hour and passed out on the couch. He’s a dud," I shrugged.

Taylor nodded, "Yeah…" he agreed, "anyway, he grabbed his jacket from where he had slung it on the chair. "I’ll see you later, I have to go," He gave a heart-warming smile.

I smiled, and let him go. The rest of the night was uneventful. Aunt Angie called in a favour – asking if I can babysit tomorrow night from six til midnight. I told her I would.