Alex was born in Canada. At the young age of two and a half, his parents sent him through the mail, third class mind you, to Salem. In Salem, the young boy learned the ways of witchcraft. He spent the next six years under the apprenticeship of Douglas Spunkmyre.
Quickly, young Alex skillfully mastered the art of witchcraft. In order to prove his mastery, he turned poor Douglas into a platypus. After the rest of the town saw what Alex had done, they attempted to burn him alive on a stake. Thinking quickly, Alex killed and ate all of the evidence of his adverse actions. The trial took nine days and three nights. The town had no evidence that Alex was a witch, so they had no choice but to let him go. You can say that the Salem trials are a lot nicer than they were in the 1700's. Here in the 21st century, you are guilty until you eat the platypus. Then you are innocent.
After the witchtrial, Alex knew that he could never again practice his evil powers. He won his soul back from El Diablo by betting on the ponies. El Diablo bet his soul, Alex bet his life savings-three dollars and thirty nice cents. At this point in time, Alex had just celebrated his ninth birthday in a hotel room with a female chauffeur. Nothing happened because little Alex, at the time "little Alex" had not become a man yet so he could not get it up. However, little Alex didn't mind at all because not only did girls have cooties, she was a great checkers player. The two of them played checkers all night.
After six years of satanism, little Alex needed to vent his evil thoughts. Thus, he became a full out metalhead. Taking up the bass, he vented all of his evil feelings through music. The satanism was getting to him, so he decided to leave Salem. He had no idea where he wanted to go, so he did what any blue blooded amphibian would do. Throw himself away.
Yes, little Alex threw himself away. And what happens to all the garbage that we throw away? Well, Alex knows for sure now. It all gets sent to Hong Kong. After three days of smelling worn out gym socks, half eaten bananas, three year old eggnog, and five armed rats, Alex fell asleep. Some say that he passed out on the fumes, and others say that the three year old eggnog came to life and punched him so Alex wouldn't move in on his territory. Whatever the reason may be, Alex fell asleep. The next thing he knew, he was violently being thrown into a garbage boat heading for Hong Kong.
Little Alex spent four years on the boat to Hong Kong. It would only have been three years, but the boat got a flat tire and had to find a repair shop along the way. It seems like no one has a repair shop in the middle of the Pacific Ocean...but that's another story. Anyways, Little Alex survived by eating all of the wasted food that the pitiful Americans threw away. Boy was he proud to be a Canadian! The trip took a long time, and Little Alex, yes still Little Alex, was thirteen when he was violently thrown into the classiest land fill in Hong Kong. His day had come!
Feeling happy in the land fill, Alex decided to stay there for a while. He spent his awckward teenage years in the dump, learning how to talk to cockroaches. At the age of fourteen, he found a bass guitar in the land fill-something he hadn't seen in four years. However, this bass was different than his other one that he left back in Salem...this bass had all three of it's strings! (The one that he had in Salem was missing one of the three strings making it hard to play) Teaching himself, he was playing along to the Rammones and the Clash by the age of sixteen. When Alex turned seventeen, he was ready to move on again as he was sick of the landfill that he called home for four years.
At this point, two things were obvious about Alex. One was that he had lost all interest in El Diablo and was at peace with the world. The other was that he hadn't taken a shower in eight years! Alex remembers the paint peeling off the walls as he walked by. Deciding to clean up his act, he took a shower, and got a job as a human crash dummy. For the next three years, Alex was thrown off random buildings and hurled into various objects testing out seatbelts for the Toyota firm in China. On his twenty first birthday, he had enough of that, not to mention that he almost died in a seatbelt malfunction, but that is another story... Selling the pride of his life, his three string bass guitar, he got a bus ticket to Japan.
After the long bus ride, Alex was finally in Japan. He had no idea that in a few years he would start the world famous band R2 with Joseph Kimberlin. All he knew was that he needed a job, and that he needed a new bass guitar. Getting a job as a semi-professional sumo wrestler, he got to eat every day, something he was not used to. However, after almost getting crushed to death by the great Hakomatski, he gave up semi-professional wrestling. Most say that he didn't have the body for it... However, the job did last two years, which gave him the opportunity to put money in the bank.
Taking his insurance check, he bought a bass guitar. This one had four strings, which was an enigma to Alex. He needed something to keep him occupied as his legs healed from the accident, and the bass was perfect for that. Once again, he had to teach himself how to play a different type of bass, but he had all the time in the world. The accident was a blessing in disguise. He was forced to spend three years in bed, but he mastered playing the bass. This skill would help him a few months after he finally got his gimpy ass out of his bed.
After Alex fully recovered, he spent a lot of time in the Qminoma music store playing the bass. He became obsessed with punk rock, listening to Blink-182 and NOFX all the time. He must have been the only twenty six year old obsessed with teenage rebellion music. Eventually, he met up with Joseph, who was obsessed with Metallica, Ozzy, and Alice Cooper. The two were complete opposites, but decided to make a band anyways. Thus, R2 was born.
