I used to love him
By Quicksylver
Song: 'I used to love him' sung by Lauren Hill (f/ Mary J Blige) on her album The Miseducation of Lauren Hill (1998)
Standard Disclaimers apply.
Warnings: Angst, yaoi.


As I looked at what I've done, the type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive.

Duo stands at the church door looking out at the Sunday school children play. It has been a year since he left that night. A lot has happened since then. He has become a teacher at the church sponsored pre-school. Working with children has been a healing experience for him, His sordid past behind him now. The priest, Father Michael, had listened as he told of his past, understanding and giving comfort. He had invited Duo to stay until he could get back on his feet.

One situation involved a young man, he was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the nightDulled my senses and blurred my sight.

He thought on Heero, his name no longer a source of sorrow but pity. He had been so infatuated, he knew now that what he had felt wasn't love. True love didn't hurt like that. He had been so blind then.

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

He knew love now, from the children in the school... from his new friends... from his old ones. He had been in contact with Quatre, Trowa and Wufei during the year and would write them often.

I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain.
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

He had wanted 'love' so badly during and after the war. He had grabbed at anything that felt like he thought love should feel. He was in love with being in love. It sent him on an endless search. Right to Heero...and to pain.

Torn and abused, wasted and used
Reached the crossroad, which path would I choose.
Stuck and frustrated I waited debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated.

He had caught by guilt and fear... the fear of losing his 'love'. He waited for Heero, hoping for a fairytale. But it was never to come.

Thought what I wanted was something I needed,
When mama said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone.
And out of the darkness came the sweet dawn.

He had wanted to believe so much that he saw feeling where there was none. He was in utter despair when he had fled. He had hit rock bottom. But through all the darkness the church had saved him. Had loved him without sacrifice, without pain. For that he was grateful.

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

Duo walked into the church, savouring each painting, each statue that decorated the building. How welcoming it was. He had found solace in the Lord once more.

Father you saved me, you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife.
Greater than planets, deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished.

Duo smiled, a genuine smile, as he turned and looked to the altar. He had learned so much from here. His heart was so light he could cry from joy. He had never thought that it would be possible. Being so happy one would cry. He was no longer Shinigami... that part of him had been washed away. He was like a child again... learning to live as he should have. As they all should have.

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold

He thought back to when he last saw Heero. Quatre had staged a reunion at his estate. It was good to be together again. Heero had not come but Duo had seen him, looking at them all from a distance. He was thin and haggard from lack of self-care. He had deteriorated into just a shell of himself. He had seen in the news that Relena had gotten married earlier in the year and that Heero had been arrested for trying to stop the wedding.

But my heart is gold; I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control, what was his to begin with

The old Duo would have gone to him, but all he could do was feel sorry for the man. He kept silent, not letting the others know what he saw. He knew that Heero would not  want them to know. He understood.

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

Duo turned from the altar and walked down the aisle... toward the laughter ...toward the light...toward the hope of a new day. Duo was finally home.

Back to When it hurts so bad

Central Archives

Back to main

Comments?