I was dying inside ...

The first five years of our relationship were fairly "normal". He wanted so much to marry but I was afraid to lose that control to someone even though I loved him deeply. His mother died suddenly and everything changed. I remember the first time he hit me.....

It started out as a conversation about his mother and the fact that the thing she wanted the most was for us to be married. Then it suddenly became anger of how come I wouldn't fulfill that most simple wish. I was devastated.... What I didn't realize at the time was that it was the beginning of the breakdown of my inner self...

Slowly he started taking a little more control in every aspect of my life. My daughter was witness to these horrific scenes and would run screaming to her room and hide in her closet...

One night I turned to look at him instead of cowering and covering my head with my arms and I saw the most grotesque look on his face. In the seconds before he dislocated my jaw I saw the look of enjoyment! and satisfaction..... He found a way to release his anger... After this I knew I had to get out..... but he had such control at that point that I wasn't allowed to even drive myself to work or go anywhere alone with my daughter. I lived a double life... trying to act normal at work, feeling the anxiety grow inside as it grew closer to the end of my shift.... feeling true fear as we drove home in silence.. The abuse was daily... From physical to emotional to rape......

The day of the rape I tried to leave... just walk out the door when he wasn't paying attention.... I lived about five miles away from my closest neighbor (more control). I was about a quarter mile away from the house when I heard him hollering at me.... I saw a car coming and thought I will be alright.... The next thing I knew he dove on me and I went down... The car drove by as he was dragging me by my hair.... He beat me so bad that day that when he hit me I saw a bright light with every blow to the back of my head... He knocked me unconscious and when I came to he was having sex with me.... I started to cry and he shattered my ear drum.... I could hear my daughter crying for him to stop from the other room... I was teetering on the brink of insanity..... I don't remember much until the next morning... I got up... my body hurting clear into my soul.... He and my daughter were gone...I walked out to the deck and laid down.... For a long time I just stared blankly... trying to figure how did such a bright and attractive person get herself into this....

I played the last ten years of my life over in my head and started to cry hysterically....I was dying inside... Now I was mad... At myself for being so weak.. At God for not showing me a way out.... I yelled at God that I was losing it and please show me the way out and I would hold on... Please show me a sign!!!

Exhausted I stopped yelling to the heavens and laid down and started to cry again ...slowly letting my psyche leave me.....I opened my eyes and saw a little bird hopping on the deck inches from my face!!! It was my sign!!! I'm not sure what it meant or if it was sent from God or My guardian Angel or what...The bird visited me several times a day and once came several hops into my house...It saved me from insanity and the day I left was the last day I ever saw that bird....

I walked out with the clothes on my back and never regretted that day...The most ironic thing about it all is that I used to be a woman who couldn't understand how a woman would put herself into that kind of situation or stay in it....I tell every one that will listen my story because they are so astonished that a person such as me would ever be in that situation.....

Society has a mindset of what an abused women is...... We need to change that stereotype and show them that it can be anyone.....If you are in an abusive relationship, find the strength within yourself first....Then look for those helping hands......They will be where you least expect...Peace & Love!

~~~ 32, USA, "I was going to get out or die trying"

I married much too young ...

I married MUCH too young-15 yrs old. I was too young, but at least I was out of my home for good! My father was an alcoholic, and we didnt get along well at all. So, when my best friends brother was released from jail, and he started hanging around her, the first thing he did was zero in on me.I didnt like him, couldnt stand him-at first. I believe this was one of those cases of "making someone love you"..lol.By that I mean that if I was sitting in a chair, then he was RIGHT THERE, sitting on the arm of the chair...If I was washing dishes, then he was right there beside me, helping...It seemed to me that no matter what I did, he was there..SO, I guess I fell in love with him, because he SEEMED so in love with me. Anyway, through all kinds of trials and tribulations, we ended up married and then-as they say- "all hell broke loose"...

I can remember one night he tried to choke me to death with a t.v. cord because I had turned the thing up because I couldnt hear it.He ! would leave me, for NO REASON, for days at a time....I would have no idea where he was, or why he left, or when hed be back...And then, after a few days usually, hed come back, all sorry and all....of course id be pissed....and hed be sorry enough to bring the angels above to forgiveness...and like the dumbass I was, id forgive him and let him come home..Of course id know (or I would shortly),that hed been screwing every sleezebag he could get his hands on, doing drugs and Lord knows what else..Anyway, I let this go on for four years. Finally,I took all I was gonna take and walked away..I moved in at my parents house.One thing about me...Once I make my mind up, its made...No changing my mind at all....I had decided this was over, that id had enough, and I was definitly done..Of course he didnt understand that, and figured I was open to persuassion, as usual...He was wrong....

One night,about 2 or 3 weeks after we split, he comes to my folks house and asks if he can talk to me..After repeated NOs from me, he wouldnt give up, so I figured if I went out and talked to him for a bit, then he'd leave...my parents lived in an apartment, so we went downstairs. He asked me to take him to the store for cigs and a drink and since I could do with a pepsi myself, I agreed. Once we were back, we sat in my car and talked about things until I got tired of the "please give me ONE more chance baby"....and said im going inside..next thing I know, he grabbed my arm and pulled me up to him and said he knew I had fu***d around on him(which wasnt true),and he said I wasnt going anywhere until we talked this whole thing out.I didnt know what he was talking about and as I was starting to get extremely pissed about the whole thing, I told him to get the f**k out of my car, and out of my life and to leave me alone....I made a grab for the handle of the door,but before I could pull it, he grabbed me and yanked me towards him....he grabbed my face and pressed my cheeks together and held my face to his and said that I was his forever whether I liked it or not and that we were still married and he was gonna take what was his whether I liked it or not...he tried to kiss me and I tried to fight him off of mee. he was stronger than me and held me arms so that I couldnt move them...his mouth covered mine and I knew that if I could scream, which I would try to anyway, the parking place for my folks apartment was secluded, so no one would hear me...He took me by my face with his one hand and with the other hand guided/threw me over the seat into the back...By this time I was crying and begging for him to stop, but he wouldnt. he just pressed me down flat on the seat and proceded to rape me...when I could get enough air I tried to scream for help, but he put his hand over my mouth, or his mouth over mine,and held my arms over my head so I couldnt do anything... afterwards he sodimized me...

I still cannot believe the man I married and loved did that to me....I just cant..I like to think he must have been drunk..that I couldnt have possibly misjudged someone that badly....but, I suppose Ii did...I survived, im happy to say...ive told only one person of this, before now....and im hoping he doesnt remember....well, I had told him I was raped by my ex husband...that was it...Noone else, not even my mom has heard any of these details....I am sooooo ashamed now that I didnt do more to get him...hes probably hurt others like me because of me....i didnt go to police because I was only 19 and I thought he probably COULD get away with it, because we were still legally married....

If I only knew then what I know now...

This has become a regular thing ...

I am 17 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Things were so great when I met him.then last year he became an alcoholic and a mean one too. At first he would just grab me, sometimes pulling my hair. Then he started grabbing me by my neck and pushing me around. Last night he got mad at me and smacked me, and pushed me around for saying he was being an asshole. He also pinned me to the ground and I ended up putting claw marks down his back while I was trying to get him off me. This has become a regular thing for us to fight like this and I know that I am being abused - I guess I still love him though and I hope things will change eventually.but if anyone has any advise for me please let me know. I feel so lost and dont know what to do.
~~~ 17 USA, "why cant we go back to normal"

We just have to remember to be strong...

I am a 41 year old spousal abuse/rape survivor. I was with the abuse for 18 years and had 3 children with him and one daughter from a previous relationship, and they were also all abused. I think you finally come to a point where you know in your heart and mind that it is time to get out or DIE. Everyone has theri own "BREAKING POINT" and you will know when that happens. Mine came when coming home form work early one night on the graveyard shift and finding my husband in bed with a 16 year old baby sitter. He beat me because I came home early. The only thing that saved my life that night was a coworker called to make sure I made it home alright because I was so ill. She heard me screaming in the background and HE pulled the phone line out of the wall. She called 911 and sent the sheriff out. I really do believe I would have died that night if she hadn't called the police. That was my "breaking point". I moved out with my kids and never went back. It has ! been 7 years and I am still afraid of him. I have a no contact restraining order and that does seem to help but the nightmares and flashbacks still get me sometimes. I am now married to a wonderful man who does his best to deal with my MOODS and all the excess baggage that goes with an abuse survivor. It does get better with time, it just never goes totally away. We just have to remember to be strong and be there for each other, to comfort, to cry, to advise, to listen and most of all to understand.
~~~ 41, United States, If we stand together and stand strong we can someday defeat the abuse.

I was abused as a child ... thought was "normal" behavior ...

I was abused as a child by my father, he beat me and my mom. It was just something that I always thought was "normal" behavior. I married a man just like my dad at 17. All my friends warned me not to but I was stubborn and wouldn't listen and I lived for 18 years wondering what would make him snap the next time or if I looked ok or if I was one minute too late getting home from work. These were all things that were my fault and would get me beat again. If he would come home and didn't like the way I had my hair combed or what I had the kids dressed in I would get it. There was one time he had a rifle in my mouth and told my oldest daughter to get the bullets. Thank God there weren't any or I would be dead. I left 7 years ago this Christmas Eve after coming home sick form working the night shift as a nursing assistant early to find him in bed with the 16 year old baby sitter. Her parents wouldn't even press cahrges, he moved in with them. He beat me so b! adly I had 3 broken ribs, my teeth were knocked out and i had a broken cheek bone and 2 black eyes. He did 2 days in jail and got time served. I moved out and in with a coworker and he still haunts me and makes threats. I'm still scared to death of him and I don't think I will ever get over that feeling. It gets a little better every day with the suport of my new husband and my kids and prayer. You just have to be strong and keep your faith in God and yourself that you can survive anything because they are the weak ones and "we" are strong enough to beat them at their own weaknesses.
~~~ 41 WI USA

"Something in me wants to believe he will change." ....

As I sit here, my mind drifts back to my youth. The dreams, the hopes that I had for my life were amazing. When I met my husband, I thought he would help me reach those dreams- a beautiful marriage, wonderful children, a dream house. I thought my life would be like one of those romantic movies. The first time he called me a name, I made excuses. The first time he grabbed me, I believed his promises and his apologies. The good times with him always made me forget the bad times. I didn't realize my dreams were never going to come true with this man. I was dying inside, but didn't let myself feel the pain. Now, I am away from him. Three weeks ago, he attacked me while I held our nine month old baby in my arms. He was taken to jail. Yet, here I am, sitting on the fence again. I know that I can never go back, but something in me wants to believe he will change. I know he won't. More than anything we must love ourselves and never allow any man to hurt us physically, emotionally or mentally. We must believe we are valuable, strong women who deserve better. We must protect our children from witnessing violence and from becoming victims or abusers. The hardest part about leaving is giving up hope. Hope has kept me alive for the past six years. The idea that one day I will have my dream kept me hanging on. I realize now I have to create a new dream and a new life for my son and myself- one in which we are valued, respected and really loved.
~~~ 28 USA, We all deserve to be valued, respected and really loved..

"Everything is your fault", he says...

How do you explain the abuse? What do you say in such little space? The years of abuse were long. The violent actions towards you were many. From a slap behind the head "because perhaps your answer was not immediate enough", to "perhaps being pulled out of the car and falling on the floor" because you did not come out fast enough, to "perhaps having the hot water turned off while you were taking a shower, because this morning you were being noisy when you were washing the dishes", or "perhaps having glasses of water thrown on you while you were sleeping--because you didn't answer when he was speaking to you". How do you explain this to others that don't understand? What do you tell a woman who is living this abuse? "Everything is your fault", he says... The bruises go away, the emotional and physical scars remain... "You enjoy being a victim,", he says... "Everything is my fault", I think... "I will learn to love myself first..."

"Deciding on the simple things"...

The struggle to leave a marriage is difficult, especially if children are involved. But the relief that comes from this decision (after depressions, and a lot of crying) is in itself fulfilling, and then there is so much more to add to your life. People will watch as you go through a period of mourning, and of financial loss. They don't understand my sense of satisfaction of living alone today, but then I guess they never understood my life within my marriage. My sense of satisfaction comes from being able to decide on the simple things, from what to have for breakfast, what to wear today, to just taking the time to sit down and read a book. This you can only understand when you have left an abusive relationship.

"Specialized courts?"...

I believe (although I am not sure), that Ontario now has a court that deals specifically with violence against women. If this is so, I hope that this may spread to other parts of the country, and other countries. Did you know, at least this is what I have understood: that you may find yourself in a civil courtroom case and the judge presiding your case may have only presided business law cases, and no family law or domestic violence case. Don't quote me on this. But perhaps it would be a good question for me to ask the lawyer.

I have seen an article in the National Post about wanting to have monkeys and apes put at a legal status comparable to woman/man. I love animals, and believe monkeys are very similar to us, but am at awe and wonder how can the law protect animal rights, when it is not yet capable of protecting women and children's rights; I am referring to the Simpson's case, and it just goes to prove, that it is not who is right, but who knows how to defend themselves in court--as my ex-husband once said. Where does that leave the monkey...dependant on his lawyer. Where does that leave women...? Have you ever heard a lawyer say when negotiating your custody arrangements with you, "I've been a father to you know...", or "...if I was a father I would want more access to my children..." and here we are with a case of domestic violence...and a major lack of support, and of course no understanding for what you are going through, or what you have survived.

I hope these specialized courts protecting women's rights (therefore protecting the children's rights) spread quickly, for anyone who has been in an abusive situation knows how quickly, these men squirm out of accepting any kind of blame for what they have done, and instead try finding a way to blame the women and to have the children taken away from the mothers home. Although this is not true for all violent men; as I had seen an article in the newspaper that read "he wanted help, the lawyer wanted to win".

The fact remains; that these men have control and possession issues that remain evident, even after the women have left. And perhaps courts that specialize in women who are victims may help the women and their children live a bright enjoyable future, free from continued physical or psychological abuse.

" I have fallen hard, made new Christian friends
and have a new life " ...

I was a product of sexual abuse as a child, it becomes a pattern, you don't relize it, but never the less it becomes a pattern.. I was molested from age 9 to 11, when I was beat up by my dad one eneving while mom was a choir, she was always gone and as a child I remember staying out late rather than to face the home situtation, well after that beating, dad went to jail until the court hearing, I thought two years was a little tough, but we were not allowed to even mention his name, two years later they transferred him to a mental hospital where he spent the next three years,

I spent all that time in therapy, which didn't do a whole lot of good when mom blamed me, but thats another story..

I married at 17 to get away from the situtation with my mom, and became dependant on my husband for everything, and when I wanted what he felt I didn't need, he became sexually abuseive, making me do things that were horid and painful and then afterward he was full of promises that he'd never do again, this went on for 19years 11months and 2weeks just as we were getting ready for a long awaited 20th anniversaryand a second honeymoon, he brings his girl friend home, the divorced followed, she declaired me dead the day after they were married and I have spent the next twenty years trying to get the kids back.

Six years ago I discovered through a conversation finnaly with my daughter that she too had been molested by her father, her father had her convensed that her first born was actually a daughter to her dad, not his grandchild, or so he had her believing.. It behoves me that anyone could brain wash a person like that but he has succeeded in just that..

Well less that a year after that divorce, I remarried, not ever being on my own, I looked for someone else to take care of me. He was the best, I thought and the first three years were very nice, except I began loosing my friends because they claimed they couldn'thandle the abusive way he treated and talked to me, soon we were having problems with family not coming around, their saying the same thing. Then he ws in an automobile accident -- after that things were really bad, and it was like I had to walk on eggs shells, never knowing when that proberial time bomb was going to go off, I lived in fear of my life and decided that maybe if I got a job doing something we could both do, so that we could travel and do the things we enjoyed before his accident maybe we could get back to his just being verbal, I could overlook that. We had moved out of state, which was a disaster, 23 months later moved back to where our kids and friends were, and I started this new job. I traveled a lot, and figured that after I had paid my dues as a new driver, we could team and do this together..

Each time I got home, it's awful and I got to the point that I came home less and less.. each time I came home there was a knockdown drag out fight, and I got the rotten end of it, being thrown thru a glass door, thrown out of a moving car, pinned up against the kitchen door being choked, bruies in places I didn't know I could be bruised in, 98%percent kidney failure and a fight for y life brought me to the point that life is to precious and short to live in that kind of pain or fear..

I have talked about leaving, I just got up one day and left...Lost every thing, but thats okay, its just stuff, and I figured, if I were dead, I wouldn't need it either.... What I lost most, and to this day I don't understand, Where my kids, and my grandchildren, they chose to stay with there real dad and there stepdad (who had said from the very beginning of our friendship that the kids, his kids and our families were not a part of the package). I am the one to have done everything for and with me kids and his, and he is the one that got the kids, but I have to put that aside and do what I have to survive.. I moved to another state, and am trying to start over, I have a PPO out against my ex, and would not be afraid to put it into force to protect myself.. I have fallen hard, made new Christian friends and have a new life..

Live one day at a time, and pray to God for the things I need, have loved, and discovered that no matter how hard you love, if it isn't given back freely, its not worth your time and effort. You need to move on to where there is love, if only the love of our Lord. I depend on the Lord now and no man, and if another should enter my life it will be because he loves the Lord and is a Christian also.. If not, then I can learn to except the many lessons I have learned, mostly about myself, and that I'm not junk, and deserve more. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me, and I hold no anger against my dad, our either of my ex-husbands, to expect more, and to ask for more, isn't wrong. I am learning each day, that happiness is what you make of it, not what you have or who you're with, if you stay busy, you do think about the might have been or could have been, you can't bring back, or re-live the past and you can't worry about tomorrow, because it isn't here yet... Just take care of today and make it the best you can.

God Bless you and thank you for listening to my story, it helps me reaffirm that I'm okay- You're Okay!!! If that in itself can give just one lady the strength to move out of a bad time, for her sake and her kids, then it will all have been worth while.. Good Luck to you.
~~~56 USA, "Let go and let God in"

"No I will not die, I will not curl up.
I will live this day forward, looking for and planning
my escape from the prison you have created.".

I realized this afternnon that I was dying. You called,angry at some little worthleses thing,and I have spent the last two hours sick with fear. My heart is racing, my palms sweating,my stomache rolling from the fear.I feel like a death row inmate and you are the warden with the keys to my existence.You will blow in soon and I will bear your wrath. Maybe you will only scream and rant. Maybe you will only slap me.Maybe this is the day you are angry enough to kill me. So many maybe's.

I am dying and my body is beginning to show the physical signs of your abuse.The ulcers, the chest pains, the babies buried too soon. I am on medication for my nerves. I get hives when you are around. I walk through my home like a ghost, with you ever present to attack my next move. Floating within my soul is the girl I once was, in a flowing white gown,eyes full of stars.How could I have known that someday I would write this letter,jumping at the sound of each passing car? How could I have known I would exist within my own mind, unable to share my fears and dreams with the one who should welcome them? You who claim to love me,know nothing of me. You swing between moments of kindness and rage.I try to pacify,never thinking of my own needs.

I see no joy in you. So much anger and pain that blinds you to the tenderness you have been given. You say you dont want to lose me.I cant blame you. Will you be able to find another victim like me?

From this moment forward, I will strengthen myself.I will learn to stand in the midst of your storms and not fall. I will build my physical strength so that when the day comes to defend myself I can do so. I will strengthen my soul so that I may walk away whole, able to handle your insults.

You said once in a rage," Why dont you just curl up and die? You are pathetic. "No I will not die.I will not curl up. I will live this day forward, looking for and planning my escape from the prison you have created.
~~~ MB Jan.1999