Frequently Asked Questions

1. Why is the sky blue?

Droplets of water vapor in the atmosphere scatter light of a certain frequency. This frequency of light is what our eyes pick up as the color blue. Lower frequencies, such as green, yellow, and red, are allowed to pass through under most circumstances. This also ties in to the reason why the Sun looks red when it sets. The lower the Sun gets in the sky, the more atmosphere its light has to pass through, and the more frequencies of light get blocked. So all but the lowest frequencies get through, and of course red is the lowest frequency of visible light, hence the reason the setting sun is red.

2. What is the meaning of life?

If I were John Preston from "Equilibrium" I would say it's to preserve our great society. If I were Mary O'Brien I'd say it's to feel. (OK I've seen that movie one too many times...) However, seeing as I disagree with both of those statements, I'd have to say the meaning of life is...oh wait, hold on. I just remembered I need to go to the Chinese New Year festival. My bad. I'll type this in later.

3. How do I get beautiful quads like yours?

Ride your bike. All the time. And lift lots of weights during the winter. And, of course, eat your Wheaties. (remember to eat your own Wheaties. if you eat my Wheaties, I will maul you.)

4. Why are you numbering these questions? Isn't that kind of dumb?

Yes. I will stop that now.

Why doesn't the United States convert to metric units like the rest of the sane world?

Because apparently history is more important than pragmatism. But seriously, the U.S.' official system of units is actually the metric system! We (meaning everyone but me) choose not to use them, because "we" are too lazy to convert over to the...what is the opposite of the dark side? The light side? Anyways. It's like the electoral system of voting. Or reality TV shows.

Russian cosmonaut or professional cyclist?

Russian cosmonaut. I can't ignore a guy with brains.

When are you going to make the teleporter?

Damn it, I have to make the fusion reactor before I can make the friggin' teleporter! Energy doesn't grow on trees, ya know!

...What about the EM grenade?

As soon as I make it, you will know. I will irradiate you so badly you'll look like you fell asleep on a waffle iron. And you will be bald too.

And the time machine?

Actually, I have the time machine already. My future self built it, and sent it back to me so I could use it here. So I didn't actually build it, not yet, but I have it and intend to use it as best as I can.
Just imagine. You think your test is on Friday. You go to sleep Tuesday night...wake up, and it's Friday! I would have to get a camera to see the look on your face....yeah, you know who you are.

Why don't we get robots to do all the work for us?

I don't know who you've been hanging around, but my robots have been hard at work for years. In fact I am not even writing this at all. One of them is doing it for me. Now give me a back massage. Oh yeah. That's the spot.

How do you define what is a sport and what is not?

When I look at a sport I look for any of several things:
A) The candidate sport must involve being in good shape. If you don't have to be in good shape to do it well, it ain't a sport. This means golf and bowling and pie-eating contests are not, I repeat, not sports!
B) When I look at the top ranked athletes in a sport, they must be in excellent shape. This is more of a corollary to A, but I include it because some (amateur) cyclists, hockey, basketball, etc. players are not in good shape and therefore don't fit the requisite in A.
C) If it's in the Olympics, it's a sport. There are some sports that are not in the Olympics, however, such as martial arts and hiking. And there are some "sports" that are in the Olympics that shouldn't be, such as curling (but because of rule C I have to say it is a sport). If golf ever gets into the Olympics I will pee on myself.
D) It doesn't have to have a score, but there should be a way to win or lose. Take rock climbing. That is a sport. But there is no scoring, and as far as I know it's not in the Olympics. However, if your buddy beats you to the top of a rock face and throws dirt and bird crap down into your eyes, you lose. He/she wins.

That is how I define a sport.

So are you Hispanic or are you Caucasian?

Neither. I am actually from a planet called Zorban, approximately 20 parsecs from Earth. We like to eat beef jerky and blueberry muffins. Also, we intend to loot and plunder Earth in a few years. After we're done we will detonate a gigantamongous bomb here, just to see what a planet looks like all blowed up.

Who would win in a 100-meter sprint: you or Lance Armstrong?

Lance and I actually tried that a few days ago. I kicked his skinny ass.

Why can't you think of any questions better than these?

Because I haven't taken the time to think of any. If I come up with any more I'll definitely add them.