MST3K: X-Force #117

Archivist’s note: All right, I know a lot of you liked this, but the author didn’t. Don’t flame me, flame him! Also, I’d rate this a PG-13 bordering on R. Parental discretion is advised.

Writer’s note: I’m entitled to my opinion. Frankly, I found these characters dumb and nothing to endear me to them. I don’t see how people could love this trash, but they’re entitled to their opinion too.

Songs referenced in this work: Needles and pins by? , Welcome to the Pleasuredome by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Hound Dog by Mama Jo, Push It by Garbage, Show Me by the Pretenders, I'm an Adult Now by The Pursuit of Happiness, Warthog by the Ramones. Getting to Know You from the Sound of Music, Taking it to the Streets by the Doobie Brothers. A Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt, Fake out in Buenos Aires by They Might be Giants, Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, Ana Ng by They Might be Giants, Green Eyed Lady by? , Ball of Confusion by Love and Rockets, Hare Krishna by Three on a Hill, Keep Them Separated by the Offspring, Cool It Now by New Edition, Palisades Park by? , The Politics of Dancing by Re-Flex, Tommy by the Who, You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man by k. d. lang, Talk Talk by Talk Talk, Eat the Rich by Aerosmith (? ,) Respect by Aretha Franklin, the commercial jingle I haven’t got time for the pain, The Dead Heart by Midnight Oil, Outrageous by Oingo Boingo, Disappointed by the Pet Shop Boys, and Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan.

(Deep INIT bridge. Mike, Angel and the Bots are there.)

Mike: Hello once again and welcome to Deep INIT station. Right now the bots and I are working on our improvisational skills. This one's called three lines: I can say anything I want, but Tom and Mike are limited to just three lines. Now, Gypsy will provide Crow's lines, and Big John will provide Tom's lines and Angel will provide the scenario.

Gypsy: Hmm... how about these: "I like Richard Basehart."

Mike: Okay...

Gypsy: "What can I say about that?"

Mike: Right.

Gypsy: And... "Who wants a piece of this?"

(Commercial sign comes on.)

Mike: All right. Big John, your turn, and keep it G rated.

Big John: Well, all right... First line is "Aw, gee, you never let me have any fun." Second line is: "I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler." and third line is "Is that your best offer?"

Crow: Got it.

Mike: All right, now for the scenario...

Angel: Let's see... you're in an auto repair shop for celebrities; Mike, you are the chief mechanic, and Tom and Crow are your customers.

Big John: Uh-oh. Commercial sign.

(Commercials. More garbage crammed down your throat. When we come back, same scene.)

Gypsy: Begin!

Mike: All righty, I'm here with your estimates here. Mr. Crow, you've got to get a new muffler.

Crow: I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler.

Mike: Well, nobody said you would have to.

Tom: Who wants a piece of this?

Mike: (Turns to Tom) I'll get to you in a minute. (Turns back to Crow) Anyway, I've got the price for your repair here.

Crow: I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler.

Mike: I haven't even given you a price yet! Anyway, we're going to have to replace the muffler on your car.

Crow: I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler.

Tom: What can I say about that?

Mike: (Turns to Tom) Nothing at this point. (turns back to Crow) Now, the price on your new muffler is about $60.

Crow: Is that your best offer?

(The Mads light comes on.)

Mike: Yes that's the best offer I can manage.

Crow: I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler.

Mike: Come on, it's a reasonable price that I charge everyone.

Tom: Who wants a piece of this?

(The screen opens up to show Pearl and Brain Guy standing in Castle Forrester.)

Crow: I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler.

Pearl: All right, you miscreants listen up!

Big John: Ah, "She who demands obedience" calls.

Pearl: Don't give me any sass, Big John! I've got something here that's truly awful!

Crow: So what have you dragged up from the pits of Satan to hurt us with now?

Pearl: Your experiment this week is proof positive that reinventing something doesn't always work. It's a really bad comic book called X-Force #117. The original was by Peter Milligan of Elektra fame and the art was by Michael "Zane" Allred. Brain Guy, send them the comic book.

(Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)

Mike: AH! We have comic book sign!

(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)

>X-Force

Tom: Oh look! U-Go Girl is doing her Tammy Faye Baker impersonation in the upper left-hand corner.

>Caption: The shower is specifically designed to emit a fine mist, but it still feels like a thousand needles stabbing at my flesh.

Tom: [sings] Still it begins/ Needles and pins...

>If I wasn't so sensitive to smell, I'd skip showers altogether.

Angel: Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Crow: I’d hate to have him describe how soap feels on his skin.

>To think I used to live without the suit.

Mike: (to Big John) Not one word out of you.

Crow: (As Mr. Sensitive) I used to go around in a T-shirt and blue jeans, but I had to give that up!

>My mind has grown lazy. The disciplines I used to protect myself, rusty.

Tom: Well, when I get a little rust, I usually take care of it with some oil...

>Example:

>A bluebottle fly's sluggish trajectory across the room creates an unpleasant vibration down my spine.

Big John: It also conveniently covers up his naughty bits too!

(Mike reaches over and hits Big John.)

Big John: OW!

Mike: It's too early for that, Big John.

>But now I'm slipping it on,

Crow: And the sooner you do it, the better!

>My armor and my shield, mumbling my daily prayer of thanks to Professor X.

Tom: It's a new cult: The Church of Charles Xavier! Worshipers go around bald and in wheelchairs, wearing suits and ties and having affairs with any woman they can get their hands on.

>Preparing for my other daily ritual.

Crow: Oh look, he's in one of those human sacrifice cults. How disgusting.

>My friend, who'll be waiting for me at the end of the day.

Angel: If you have a gun as a friend, I think you need psychiatric help.

>Ever faithful. The only thing that makes sense of the hours and the pain.

Big John: I have to agree with you on that one, Angel. Make love, not war I say.

>Mister Sensitive

Mike: Oh, he's so sensitive. Well, we'd better keep the riffing to a minimum here.

Big John: Ah, I don't care about his sensitivity. I say we skewer him over and over to toughen him up!

Crow: Oh look, the letterer got drunk when he did the title.

>Caption: "See!

Tom: Unfortunately, yes.

>"It was meant for me!

Angel: So why didn't you take the bullet if it was for you?

>"Zeitgeist just got in the way, man!"

Mike: Ah, excuses, excuses.

Tom: I don't know about you, but I already hate this guy.

>Anarchist: Axel was always a little slow on his feet. I was meant to get it, right?

Crow: Yea, and I certainly wish you had.

>Coach: No one was meant to get it, tike!

Crow: Oh, is that like Desert Peach?

Tom: [as a tortured artist] All the great artists are never understood in their time.

>U-Go Girl: Coach, I can still see Axel's intestines curling up in my lap!

Crow: [as U-Go Girl] When can I remove these disgusting things from my lap? It's starting to stink!

All but Crow: Ugh.

>Do you want me to tell you how warm they were? Do you want me to describe how they smelled?

Mike: If you do, do you want to see me throw up?

Tom: This is really getting disgusting. How could the Comics code allow something like this?

Big John: They didn't. There's no code seal on the cover.

Angel: I think that was more in the name of good taste than in the name of decency.

>Coach: Not particularly, Edie.

Crow: [as the Coach] After all, I just ate.

Tom: Oh look, somehow Axel's dead, mangled body doesn't have any blood coming out of it like it did last issue.

>U-Go Girl: So give us some answers!

Mike: [as U-Go Girl] I want the truth!

Big John: You can't handle the truth!

>Coach: Some of you didn't come back from the game. That's the only answer you need.

Tom: [as the Coach] I can't handle the truth either!

Crow: What a lame-o explanation of things!

>You're U-Go Girl and the Anarchist.

>Deal with it.

Angel: [as U-Go Girl] I'm a spoiled brat! I can't handle this!

Mike: Nice to see that he's going to be cheerful and happy throughout this.

>U-Go Girl: Coach is right.

Crow: No, he's right in front of you!

>If I'm going to be the new leader, I have to be the one who moves this team on.

Mike: Why don’t you move on out of this then?

>I mean, let's face it, you ain't nothin' but a

Tom: [sings] You ain't nothin' but a hound dog/ Cryin' all the time...

>glorified transport system. A mutant greyhound bus!

Big John: [before Mike can say anything] Well, I certainly wouldn't mind riding!

(Both Mike and Angel reach over and strike Big John.)

Big John: OW!

>U-Go Girl: Don't push it, mister.

Tom: [sings] Push it! It's on fire!

>Anarchist: I'll push it all I like, sister.

Big John: [as the Anarchist] I'm not going to let you stop my drug business!

Mike: Just say no, people!

>Coach: Come on, X-Force, break it up!

Mike: Yea, we don't want your drug pushing around here, mister!

Crow: Just what could make someone use that stuff anyway?

Mike: Long, complicated story, Crow.

>Anarchist: You were having lunch with Axel Cluney.

Big John: [as the Anarchist] I wanted you to have lunch with me instead!

>Maybe you wanted me out of the way!

Crow: Man, talk about an ego trip...

Angel: [as U-Go Girl:] All right! We were going to bump you off so we wouldn't have to listen to you!

>Maybe I was supposed to bite it on my first mission!

Mike: I really wish you would have...

>U-Go Girl: It's all on tape. You saw how I dealt with the killers.

>Show it, Doop.

Tom: Let's not and say we did.

Crow: Man, this recap sure is dragging on.

>Show it.

Angel: [sings] Show me the meaning/ Of the world...

>Caption: "Axel kind of groaned when I let go of him.

Big John: Actually, the comics code didn't approve of this issue.

Angel: Probably because the comics code has good taste.

>But I had to.

Big John: He was just utterly insatiable!

Angel: Cut it out, libido boy.

>I knew I had a responsibility.

Tom: [sings] I'm an adult now/ I got the problems of an adult on my head and my shoulders/ I'm an adult now...

>"I was the senior member of X-Force now.

>"Any payback came down to me.

Mike: So what you're saying is that we have to pay you for this now? Why?

Crow: If we don't, does that mean that we don't have to see any more of this?

>"Glorified transport system?

>"Tell that to the flesh and bone they scraped off the sidewalk!"

Big John: Well, if we could find an ear, we would.

>Anarchist: So you got the drop on a few of the bad guys. Big deal.

Angel: [as U-Go Girl] You're all blather! Put up your dukes, mister! I'll take you down with one punch!

>I was trying to find out who they worked for.

Crow: [as the Anarchist] But darnit, they wouldn't tell me that even though I asked politely!

>U-Go Girl: By separating them from their spinal cords?

Big John: [as the Anarchist] It was tough love! What else could I have done?

>Anarchist: So I got a little carried away.

Mike: That's like saying the Mississippi flood of 1993 was a little overflow.

>U-Go Girl: Or maybe you deliberately got rid of them, so they couldn't talk.

Tom: This message brought to you by the paranoid schizophrenics of America. Remember that you're out to get us!

>Anarchist: Now That's one hell of an accusation.

Mike: [as the Anarchist] I'm innocent until proven guilty! I want to see the evidence, sister! And not without my lawyer present!

>I just joined X-Force. Why would I want to ICE everyone?

Big John: [as the Anarchist] Had I wanted to kill them, believe me, it would have been a mercy killing! I wanted them to suffer through this like I did!

>U-Go Girl: How about so you could hire your own guys? Be leader of a New X-Force shaped in your image?

Crow: [as the Anarchist] How do I know that you didn't do this, and are covering up for yourself!?

>Anarchist: Hmm, when you talk about it like that, it don't sound half bad.

Crow: Doesn't sound half-bad, mister Anarchist!

Mike: A graduate of the George W. Bush school of grammar.

>U-Go Girl: See? He doesn't take anything seriously. Not even this.

Crow: [as Captain Kirk] On the contrary, I take my mission very seriously. It's you I'm not taking seriously.

>Coach, got a request:

Mike: [as the coach] If you want out of this comic book, forget it! You've got a contract, girl!

>when we agree on the new team, Tike Alicar - AKA the "Antichrist" -- isn't in it!

Crow: [as the Coach] All right. You're not in it either!

>Anarchist: "Anarchist."

Big John: [sings] I do not believe in the Anarchy/It's a sick world, what can I say?

>Coach: Request denied, Edie.

Mike: [as the Coach] He's our token Black character! We can't get rid of him now!

Tom: [as the Coach] He's the only one we could get to be on the team!

>Anyhow, the new team has already been selected.

Mike: Is there a reason why his words suddenly turn bold?

Tom: Can't say I know, Mike.

>U-Go Girl: Wait! How?

Crow: We passed around secret ballots. I'm sorry if yours was not turned in on time.

Big John: It's the 2000 presidential election all over again!

>New team members can be vetoed by existing X-Forcers. You know that.

>Coach: Not any more. The new owner didn't want personal issues to affect team, selection.

Big John: [suggestively] But I'm sure if you gave him a few favors, he might change his mind....

(Not amused, Mike reaches over and hits Big John.)

Big John: OW!

>Anarchist: The new owners? You mean, the guys who give us our missions aren't some kind of... shady and mysterious organization?

Mike: That's for me to know and you not to find out.

>U-Go Girl: Morally ambiguous, answerable to no one but themselves?

Crow: [as the coach] Well, it was to cliché, so we got rid of it.

>Coach: Nah. The owner's a venture capitalist by the name of Spike Freeman.

>U-Go Girl: As in Spike Freeman, thirty-five-year-old software billionaire?

Mike: No, Spike Freeman, the 21 year-old stalker!

Crow: I thought it was Spike Freeman, the 100 year old oil magnate.

>Coach: The same. Only he's thirty-four.

>and a trillionaire.

Big John: And he's got more babes than he knows what to do with!

Angel: Can the sex, libido boy.

Big John: Oh, come on, you like it too.

Angel: There is a time and a place for everything.

>U-Go Girl: I don't give a damn how big his piggy bank is.

Angel: [as U-Go Girl] I'm not going to take him straight to bed! (as herself, to Big John) and not one word out of you, libido boy.

Big John: Gee, you're no fun.

>I want a say in who's going to be in my team.

Crow: [as U-Go Girl] 'Cause I don't want any dorks in the team! I want only hot studs!

(Angel reaches over and swats Crow on the beak.)

Crow: OW!

Angel [gesturing to Big John]: You've been hanging around him too long.

Big John: Man, you are such a fundamentalist.

>Coach: Too bad, Edie. The media have already been handed press packets.

Mike: Just like any typical company, we don't care about our employees anymore.

>We figured it would save a lot of time and energy in getting to know the new guys.

Tom: [sings] Getting to know you/ Getting to know all about you...

Mike: And we wanted to saddle you with a bunch of lame-os!

>Caption: He's big...

>He's pink...

>And he has impeccable taste in soft furnishings!

Crow: It's feng shui man!

>Micky Tork

Tom: The illegitimate grandson of two of the Monkees,

>cut his teeth working

Mike: And darnit, the workers comp board wouldn't cover it!

>as a vigilante in the streets of San Francisco.

Crow: He's been recycled from the aforementioned 1970's show.

>Operating under his former name "Rainbow."

Tom: But he changed his name because he got sick of bread jokes.

>Due to an evolving genetic condition, that name soon ceased to be appropriate.

>The big boy

Crow: Decided to open up a bunch of restaurants and make lots of money!

>with the penchant for musical theater and pumping iron

Tom: So they starred him in Arnold Schwartzenegger: The musical!

>soon found he possessed the uncanny chameleon ability to merge into his surroundings...

>... then pink up and wreak havoc!

Crow: [as Mickey Tork] Ha! S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are so easy to beat!

>Never better deployed than last year, against a Balkan terrorist group.

Tom: He make them Balk!

>With a two-year kill rating of six per mission,

Mike: Even on the missions where he wasn't supposed to kill everyone?

Crow: [as the soldier] Excuse me, could you let go of my head? You're stretching my neck out too far.

>The mutant now known as "Bloke" is bettered only by Mister Sensitive, and, of course, the Anarchist, who has already made the big step up to X-Force.

Big John: [as Bloke] Everybody always thinks they're better than me!

>Harvard.

>A young and brilliant student named Myles Alfred attends a lecture on Shakespeare, Freud and the Oedipus fallacy by his English tutor, Harold Bloom.

Mike: [as the narrator] But what this has to do with the rest of the story, I don't know!

>His father is an esteemed academic, his mother a renowned ethnomusicologist and exponent of the North African 'ud.

Mike: What's an 'ud?

>But destiny, and genetics have other ideas.

Tom: [as destiny] I think it would look better on this side, what do think?

Crow: [as genetics] No, no, no. It looks better on that side.

>At first, it was triggered by fear or anger.

Big John: Myles Alfred is Michael Landon in "I Was a Teenage Werewolf."

Tom, Crow, and Mike: Don't remind us of that.

>But soon Myles became able to control his transformations at will.

Angel: Which came in really handy when the hairless look came back in style.

Crow: Poindexter the wolfman!

>"Vivisector!"

Angel: Cute.

>It was the kind of background every actor, rock star or mutant dreams of.

Mike: Only when they're having bad nightmares.

Crow: They were breeding Jerry Springer guests!

>To escape the trailer parks of his youth, young Billy Bob Reilly took to the streets.

Tom: [sings] Taking it to the streets...

Crow: Billy Bob Reilly is Coleman Francis in the Vanilla Ice Story!

>The streets were his home.

>The streets are his home.

Mike: How nice of them to take in a homeless man.

Angel: Just make sure he showers first.

>To survive, Billy Bob did things he wasn't proud of.

Crow: Like grabbing his crotch for money!

>Until tests proved what Billy Bob has always suspected.

Big John: He was a lame-o!

>He was not like other men.

>He carried with him the mark of the mutant.

Big John: and it was so heavy, it gave him a hernia!

>After rigorous training, Billy Bob developed an amazing control over his skin and subcutaneous gunk.

Angel: Too bad his social life died before he could do this!

>And though he has proved an invaluable team member wherever he's fought,

Big John: He keeps getting kicked out for grabbing his crotch in public!

>word is there's much more to be seen from...

>"Phat."

Mike: I think Marvel's having a contest to see who can come up with the most disgusting mutant power.

Crow: I'd have to say Husk is still in the lead on that, though.

>That's the word... from the street.

Big John: [a la Vanilla Ice] Yo! I'm from the mean streets of Carrollton, Texas*! Word to your mother!

>A barrio in Buenos Aires, where the air is anything but beautiful.

Big John: [sings] Three fakes, you're out/ In Buenos Aires...

>It's seventeen years ago and the streets pulse to the sound of the rhomb and wistful songs of the lost Malvinas.

Crow: Unbeknownst to anyone, the government inputs a hypnotic suggestion into the music to make them more docile!

>A young Irish girl and an Argentinian priest work side-by-side in a mission for the poor.

Angel: Watch them have a love child. This is WAY too predictable.

Big John: Nice of them to misspell Argentinean.

>The nights become hotter. Its rhythms more sinuous.

Mike: They ran low on meat, and had to serve people sinew!

>Nine months later, County Kerry, Ireland. A community scandalized. A family torn.

Angel: [sings] Nothing's right I'm torn/ I'm all out of faith...

>A child born.

Big John: [liar voice] It was Immaculate Conception, I tell ya!

(Not amused, Angel slaps Big John.)

Big John: OW!

Angel: Unwanted pregnancy is a serious problem, mister. Don't make fun of it.

>Anna,

Crow: Of Green Gables?

Big John [sings]: Ana Ng and I are getting old/ but we still haven't walked in the glow of each other's majestic presence...

>With the grass-green eyes.

Tom: [sings] Green-eyed lady/ Of the '80's....

>Anna, who can move things just by looking at them.

Big John: She's got so many guys under her thumb.

Angel: [coldly] Big John...

>Who can heal the sick and sad.

Angel: Let's hope she can save this comic book.

Tom: I don't know, Angel. The mads did send this to us...

>Whose reputation grows.

Big John [suggestively] Oh, so that's how she cures the sad.

(Not amused, both Angel and Mike swat Big John.)

Big John: OW!

>"Saint Anna," they start to call her.

Tom: But everyone gets too nervous, and her phone gets cobwebs!

>They haven't stopped.

Crow: Her phone rings night and day, everybody wants her!

>Yes, he's always had those antennae and that shock of white hair.

Tom: Does he or doesn't he... only his hairdresser knows for sure!

Mike: I don't think anyone else cares.

>But apart from that, Guy Smith was a normal kid.

Crow: [as the fireman] Ah, this one's too ugly, I'll throw it back.

>A normal kid whose folks tragically died in a house fire when Guy was just two years old.

Tom: He was consequently put into orphanages, where everyone else bullied and beat him up! Thus is name of Mr. Sensitive!

>And then, sometime during his teens, Guy began to change. He started to become...

Mike: A stupid character and probably a Mary Sue?

>Sensitive. Very sensitive.

>A warm breeze. The rustle of hidden life underfoot. The racing of a girlfriend's heart.

Crow: A bunch of sentence fragments in a row.

>Pain. Confusion. Anguish.

Big John: [sings] Ball of confusion/ That's what the world is today...

>The drugs he took to control the acuteness of his sense weren't an answer.

Mike: Just say no, people! Drugs kill!

>Guy traveled far and wide, studying martial arts and mental disciplines -- Tukang Moosul. Jeet Kune Do. TD meditation. Tantric Magic.

Mike: This sounds like the menu at a Chinese restaurant. Now I'm getting hungry.

>The Obscene Kiss, and on and on...

Mike: [to Big John] Not one word out of you.

Big John: Aw, c'mon, I've got a great song riff that's not dirty...

Angel: Can the sex, libido boy.

Big John: [sings] On and on and on and on and on/ With a Hare Krishna's brain! [He stops singing] Now see, that wasn't so bad.

Angel: That's what you think, libido boy.

>And then he came to the attention of one Professor Charles Xavier

Tom: [as Professor X] Say... how can I make money off of this guy?

>who designed for Guy a special suit.

Mike: [as Batman] who's your tailor?

Crow: Wrong comic book company, Mike.

>A suit that Empowered him to temper and control his undiluted senses.

>Guy Smith has conquered overwhelming odds to become...

Big John: Another lame-o hero! Man, most of these characters make Razorback look good.

Mike: Don't remind us of that.

>"Mister Sensitive"

(Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. The mads light is on as Mike, Angel and the bots are standing there.)

Crow: I don't know about you, but I really don't enjoy seeing a story about a bunch of rich, spoiled brats that are so mindless.

Tom: Yea, the characters should have something to identify with. These bozos don't. They should be striving for perfection, nice yet flawed in some manner. We’ve seen their weaknesses, but there’s nothing that seems to be good about them.

(The screen then opens to show Castle Forester. There are two older men in suits and ties with Pearl and Brain Guy.)

Man 1: Ah, there you are. We are representing a major network here. We're interested in revamping Mystery Science Theater 3000 for everyone.

Mike: All right! We may get our jobs back!

Crow: No more limitations of fan fiction!

Man 1: However, we have noticed that the characters here are just not up to par. We've got a lot of target markets to find and hit. Now, We've got five characters to replace you up there, and two to replace these two. (turns) Mr. Jackson, activate the transmogrifier.

(The second man pulls a lever, and the screen turns white with light. When the light subsides, standing in Deep INIT are the following: Brad, a young Republican lawyer. He is a tall, dark handsome type who wears a suit and tie; Candi, a female pleasurebot, with blonde hair and a low-cut dress with short miniskirt; a robotic Elvis impersonator; this is Baron Bob. A small Hispanic robot, dressed in a T-shirt and blue jeans. This is Humberto. Finally, we have Slash, a riot grrrl who is dressed in a T-shirt and blue jeans. She is a brunette woman who has a petulant expression about her. On the screen Pearl has been replaced by a tall buxom blonde woman, who is wielding a large sword and wearing a scale mail bikini. Brian guy is now dressed in sags, a Pearl Jam T-shirt and flannel overshirt. He has his black and green hair spiked, and several piercings on his face and ears. Go back to Castle Forrester.)

Man1: Ah, that's much better. Now we've got the target markets covered. Brad, you're going to appeal to young Republicans and the decent types. Candi, you're our buxom blonde woman, who is designed to appeal to horny young men. Now, Baron Bob, you're our singer, so you appeal to those who like music. Humberto will appeal to the Hispanic market. Last up there, Slash, you're going to appeal to all the feminists out there.

Brad (gives a thumbs up gesture, smiles insincerely): We'll do a spiffy job, boss. You can count on us.

Man1: I'm glad you think that way. (Turns) Now, Kala, warrior Queen, you're designed to appeal to those athletic types. And last but not least, Jarred here will appeal to Generation X slacker types. Well, I think we've done enough good work here. Let's turn to another series that should be rescued... I know, Buffy the Vampire slayer could use resurrecting.

Man2: A splendid idea. I think we should give them a happy character. Maybe a cheerleader type.

(The two men continue to talk as they exit.)

Kala [in an Arnold Schwartzenegger type accent]: You - go - theater - now!

(Deep INIT. Lights flash, a buzzer sounds, and chaos erupts.)

Brad: (faux distress) Oh dear, we have comic book sign.

(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Our new heroes sit down in the seats.)

>Phat: You dissin' me? Yo! You dissin' me, son?

Brad: Oh dear. This doesn't sound so good. I think we may have... an ethnic minority!

Baron Bob: [sings] Don’t you know/ You gotta keep ‘em separated!

>You best come correc' or I'll whup your white butt black an' blue!

Baron Bob: Vanilla Ice is Phat!

Slash: Are you sure it's not Snow?

>Vivisector: Oh, spare me

Slash: [angry] Hey, if I have to suffer through this, so do you, mister!

>the pathetic macho posturing! Do you think I want to be a part of this ludicrous outfit?

Brad: If you didn't why are you there to begin with?

>I don't want to be a team player!

Candi: Since lately it's become synonymous with loser.

>And I most certainly do not want to be a mutant.

Brad: You know, if he's supposed to have a Harvard education, why did he start his sentence with a conjunction?

>Bloke: So you're ashamed of what you are?

Slash: I'd be ashamed if I was a lame character too.

Brad: I say, this is worse than having to listen to a liberal democrat speak.

>Listen friend, you've either got to be a part of the problem or a part of the --

Brad: [as Vivisector] That was very rude of you, taking a book away from me while I'm reading it. Didn't your mother teach you manners?

>Vivisector: IF you ever misquote something to me again --

Brad: [as Vivisector] You'll leave me no alternative but to correct you on the matter!

Brad: Oh dear, they misspelled callosum!

Slash: Wonderful. Stuck in hell with Mr. Perfect.

Brad: [to Slash] Well, I didn't decide on being here either!

>Bloke: Back off, bookworm!

Brad: Can't we all just get along? I mean, how can you expect to be a team when you are fighting amongst yourselves? That's something I learned in the first semester of management class.

Slash: Let me guess, you got an MBA.

Brad: Yes, what of it?

Candi: Ooh, I like an educated man.

>Caption: They're eating it up.

Slash: And it's giving them indigestion!

>They're X-Force.

>They've made it.

Slash: Man, they'll let ANYONE in that team these days.

Candi: (to Slash) Say, how do you know so much about this team?

Slash: So I like comic books, you got a problem with that?

>They can smell the Promised Land!

>I can smell it on them.

Brad: And does it ever stink! All that dirt on them, they should take a shower!

>Listen to the saliva rushing around in their mouths.

Candi: Oh, going to exchange spit, hmm?

>Do any of us have any idea what we've gotten ourselves into?

Brad: Sure we do! You're in a bad comic book!

>U-Go Girl: Everyone, Cool it. Now.

Baron Bob: [sings] Cool it now/ You got to cool it down/ Cool off! / Or you're gonna lose control...

>I will not tolerate this kind of behavior in my team.

Slash: You tell him, girlfriend!

>Anarchist: Your team?

Candi [as Angelica of the Rugrats]: It's mine and you can't have it!

Slash: Yours? Well, just be the pig!

>Hey, kids.

Brad: What time is it? It's Howdy Doody time!

[The others stare at Brad, puzzled.]

Slash: Howdy what?

Brad: Howdy Doody time. You know, it was an old children's program. An honest bastion of good taste in children's programming from the 1950's and 1960's.

[The others stare at Brad as if he's lost his mind.]

Brad: Never mind.

>I've got a ball. Wanna be on my team?

Candi: Silly! You've got three balls!

Brad (shocked): I say! That was very rude!

Candi: Aw, lighten up.

>Coach: News flash:

Brad [newscaster voice]: I've stolen your ball, film at 11.

>We're all on the same team.

Slash: As Vince Lombardi said, if you ain't got teamwork you ain't got -

Brad [interrupts]: Slash! That was rude!

>And guess what?

Brad: You're going to end this? That would be good news!

>I'm going to fill you in on our next mission!

>Anarchist: Is this going to be one of those "walks in the park," like the thing with boys r us?

Baron Bob: [sings] Last night I took a walk in the park/ To a place called Palisades Park...

>Coach: No, Tike.

>This one's going to be dangerous.

Brad: I say, this coach fellow looks dreadful! He's more scarier than Ted Kennedy!

>Lights, Doop.

>Doop: [a bunch of symbols.]

Slash: Translation: How am I supposed to catch that ball and get the lights at the same time?

>Coach: San Diego.

>You might recognize the footage.

Brad: Oh dear... it looks like... ethnic minorities!

Slash: What's wrong with being ethnic? Everyone has an ethnic origin!

>That kid from the People's Republic of Bastrona whose parents were killed by a truck as they were tried to make it across the border.

Brad: You know, I've never understood why a country calls itself the People's Republic of the place when it's a communist dictatorship.

Slash: That's the reds fer ya.

>There he is. Poor little Paco Perez.

Slash: [as Paco] Ew! Get me away from this guy! He's got bad breath!

>The Feds rescued him for the reds.

>U-Go Girl: So what's that got to do with us?

Baron Bob: Nothing that's going to enhance the plot, I'm sure.

>Coach: Have you ever wondered why they were so desperate to get little Paco back?

Brad: I never could understand Communists.

Candi: Hey look! Saint Anna's bending over, like she has throughout this story so far! She's just like me.

Brad: (Shocked and horrified) Excuse me? That was quite uncalled for!

Slash: Hey, their gulags were getting empty!

>Vivisector: Politics?

Baron Bob: [sings] The politics of dancing/The politics of feeling good...

>U-Go Girl: To stick it to the >Ahem< "imperialist running dogs of the United States"? [sic]

Slash: Who cares?

>Coach: This is a crater in Southern Bastrona. It's half a mile wide and almost as deep.

Brad: Oh, I get it now - this is a takeoff on that Elián Gonzalez affair that happened last year.

Slash: It took you this long to figure that out?

Brad: You know, you are most rude, Ms. Slash.

Slash: Ah, blow it out your gas-guzzling SUV.

>Bloke: I read about that. Place got hit by a meteor.

>Coach: That's what they say.

Brad: Oh dear, he's one of those conspiracy theorists! Next they're going to start babbling about Kennedy again.

Slash: Give mister "I've got a sensitive stomach" some air here.

Brad: You, madam, are certainly not a lady!

>But the crater's just down the road from where Paco is being held. And it appeared the day after he was brought there. Disturbed. Anxious. Emotionally wrought.

Slash: Adjectives. Too many in a row. Causing sentence fragments.

>Anarchist: You're saying he made the crater? He's one of us?

Brad: Will they accept him at the Country Club?

>Coach: Go figure.

>Caption: He's an orphan.

Brad: Ugh... they should be seen and not heard.

Slash: Man, you are such a rectum of the right!

Brad: Oh? And your liberal ranting is better?

Slash: Jeez, what is it with this author and sentence fragments? Does anyone really like to talk this way?

Brad: Only if they really don't care about grammar.

>I can almost feel him. He hasn't cried yet. He can still hear the squeal of the tires, his mother's cry.

Slash: [as Paco's mother] Paco, get your feet of the table! Stop this endless angsting!

>Coach: Are you with us, Mister Sensitive?

Baron Bob: Tommy can you hear me? Can you see me? Can you feel me near you?

>For the record, I don't repeat myself at team meetings.

Brad: Good, I would hate to go through this again.

>Mr. Sensitive: We're going to bring the kid back?

>Coach: Clever boy.

Slash: Now beg for your reward...

Brad: Are you saying he's a dog?

Slash: Sarcasm is lost on you.

>Mr. Sensitive: Why?

Brad: Why ask why? Try bud dry!

>Coach: Why do you think?

Brad: Think? You mean people actually think when they do these things?

Baron Bob: I'd have to go with no on that one.

>For his own well-being and safety!

>U-Go Girl: Uhm, coach - my agent wants to talk to you about when you're going to name me officially as team leader.

Slash: [as coach] I'm an old, misogynistic butthead! I'm not about to name a GIRL team leader, even though you're more qualified than the rest!

>Coach: The new leader will be presented to the media after today's press conference.

>Any more questions?

Brad: Just one - why was this done in the first place?

Slash: I'd like to know why you're in charge in the first place!

>Any more questions?

Brad: Oh dear, I seem to be experiencing deja vu.

Baron Bob: Man, Doop looks so energized and happy here.

>Mr. Sensitive: I have something to say.

Slash: Well, we don't want to hear you say it!

>Caption: I think about the gun waiting for me.

Slash: [as Mr. Sensitive] and if I get anymore bad dialogue, I'm gonna use it on myself!

>I think about the name they gave me.

Brad [as Mr. Sensitive]: And I've come to the conclusion that suicide is my only way out!

>Maybe it's that name I want to kill...

Slash: No, no, it's everyone around you!

Brad: And don’t forget yourself. (Pauses) You know, it scares me that we’re in agreement on this, Slash.

Slash: Me too.

>I am an orphan. I'm every orphan. That's what defines me. I am an orphan.

Brad: Oh, nice to meet you.

Slash: Well, I am about to throw up here!

>U-Go Girl: Cough up, Mister Sensitive.

Slash: [as Mr. Sensitive] Cough! Cough! Hack!

Brad: Not on the new carpet, please!

>Mr. Sensitive: I am... the orphan.

Baron Bob: [sings] Goo goo g'joob.

>U-Go Girl: Uhn? Thanks for sharing.

Slash: [as U-Go girl]: Now shut your stinkin' trap before you make us all look like idiots!

Brad: Too late for that one.

>This conference is not about your minor quibbles about appellations, Mister Sensitive!

Brad: [as Mr. Sensitive] WWWAAAAHHHH! You hurt my feelings! Mommy!

>Voice: (from off panel) I'll tell you exactly what it's about, U-Go Girl!

Slash: Bad plotlines, unlikable characters, and terrible dialogue for starters.

Brad: I say, Humberto, you've been very quiet throughout all of this.

Humberto: ¿Qué? No hablo Ingles.

Baron Bob: Lucky you.

>Reporter: Breaking News here at the X-Force conference --

>Four mutants claiming to be the real X-Force are charging the stage!

Slash: It's the real X-Force! Hooray! We're saved!

Brad: I got bad feeling about this...

>Cannonball: It's about media manipulation. It's about merchandise. It's about money.

Baron Bob: [raps] It's all about the Benjamins! Yea!

Brad: Oh God! They're being handled just as lamely! We're sunk!

>And it's about time the people out there knew how you were degrading the once-proud name of X-Force!

Brad: Like we didn't know that already.

Slash: [Shakes her head] Man, this is a sure-fire way to get this series cancelled.

>U-Go Girl: Look, Cannonball, we told you. If the name was so important to you, you should've, like, trademarked it!

Baron Bob: I smell a ZZ Top here!

Brad: Huh?

Baron Bob: Back in '75, ZZ Top allegedly copyrighted a song that was written in 1961 by someone else. The original authors weren't able to copyright it at the time.

Brad: You can say that again!

>Anarchist: Take a hike, loser!

Brad: Which one? You or him?

>Cannonball: Ah. Anarchist. More interested in pimping your public image than protecting your own kind!

>Anarchist: Don’t get all high and mighty with me, chump.

Slash: [as the Anarchist]  ‘Cause it’s my job to be the arrogant, snotty brat!

>I care just as much as you do. I just don’t feel the need to act so damn miserable about it.

Brad: [as the Anarchist] So I chose to live in denial!

>Meltdown: Take your hands off my man!

Candi: [sings] You ain’t woman enough to take my man!

(Slash reaches over and slaps Candi.)

Candi: Ooh yes…

Slash: You are sick, girlfriend.

Candi: I’m not bad, I’m just programmed that way.

>Anarchist: Meltdown, you best get your butt back to Jerry Springer or --

Brad: Oh dear, there’s going to be a bunch of mindless violence, isn’t there?

Slash: That’s life, pal.

>Meltdown: Can it, big mouth!

Slash: You tell ‘em, girlfriend! He was lame to begin with.

>U-Go Girl: I’ve got a better idea.

Brad: You’re going to stop this comic book?

Baron Bob: I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one.

>How about us girls talk?

Candi: [as Meltdown] Ooh! Did you see that dress she was wearing last week? It was sooooo 1990!

Slash: [as U-Go Girl] And that Anarchist. Gawd, how do you put up with him?

Brad: I don’t get it.

Slash: It’s a woman thing.

Baron Bob: Talk talk talk talk/ All you do to me is talk talk

>Reporter: Oh Boy!

Baron Bob: [as the reporter] I can see right up U-Go Girl’s skirt here and –

(Slash reaches over and smacks Baron Bob.)

Baron Bob: Oh sure, you let her make sexually oriented riffs.

Candi: It’s my job, you know. Tee Hee.

>The mutant girls are slugging it out above the interstate highway!

Brad: Oh dear, it’s a catfight.

Slash: You show ‘em we can fight hard too, girlfriend!

Baron Bob: Who are you rooting for?

Slash: Actually, I’d like to see both of their butts kicked.

>Meltdown: No one can own something like X-Force!

Brad: Well, better not tell that to Spike Freeman.

>It’s bigger than all of us!

>And you – you’re just using the team as a stepping stone to Hollywood!

Brad [as U-Go Girl]: So what’s your point?

>U-Go Girl: That –that is

Slash: The truth? We all knew that.

>so not true!

Baron Bob [as Tommy Flanagan] Yea, that’s it! That’s the ticket!

>Well, not entirely.

Brad: Don’t call us, and we won’t call you.

>Cannonball: You guys are a bunch of Poseurs.

Slash: [as random new X-Force member] It’s better than being a bunch of posers!

>You’ve got no right to defile what better mutants before you created.

Slash: Someone should tell that to the writers and artists of this piece!

>Anarchist: Have you seen our mortality rate?!

Slash: It’s not high enough for my tastes!

Brad: Can’t we all just get along?

>Any of us can buy it at any minute!

Brad: Well, you are supposed to be rich.

Slash: [sings] Eat the rich!

>Why the hell shouldn’t we enjoy the ride while we can?

Brad: Enjoy the ride!

>Cannonball: You’re missing the point!

Brad: Point? You mean there’s point here?

Slash: I don’t see it either.

>Domino: Okay, you so-called New X-force! Put your hands in the air!

Brad: Then down again, then up! Now you’re doing the hokey pokey!

>or Doop gets it!

>Caption: She’s bluffing. I can sense it.

Slash: Well, we’ve got a real rocket scientist here!

>It’s in her sweat. Her heartbeat. A modulation of the last two words.

Brad: Personally, I think anyone with a slightest modicum of intelligence could have guessed that!

Slash: Gee, more sentence fragments.

>That gives me the split-second I need.

>Mr. Sensitive: Pick on someone your own size!

Slash: Lemme get this straight. He strikes her with his pinky, and she goes down? All right, that’s it! I am SICK of violence against women perpetuated by males! I am also sick of women being treated as frail creatures!

Brad: I have to agree with you on that one. Women should be respected.

>Doop: [weird alien symbols.]

Brad: Translation: I do hate being the stupid pawn in someone else’s games!

>Reporter: Hey, coach –

Baron Bob: [as Norm from Cheers] Gimme another beer here!

Brad: [as the Coach] Sure thing, Norm!

>Aren’t you worried that they’re going to kill each other?

Slash: [as the coach] Ah, don’t worry. In the Marvel Universe, nobody stays dead for very long.

Brad: I guess death just isn’t the permanent thing that it is here.

>Coach: >Sigh< Despite appearances,

Brad: They really are a bunch of snotty, stuck up brats who didn’t grow up!

>they’re all professionals. Serious injury is a possibility but I doubt that it’ll come down to body bags.

Brad: Although I wish it would…

>Phat: Respect!

Baron Bob: [sings] R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me!

>For a bookworm, you kick butt!

Slash: This coming from someone who looks like the Blob’s illegitimate son.

>Vivisector: If I want affirmation from you, I’ll ask for it!

Slash [as Vivisector]: So when I get done with the Indian here, I’m going to skewer you!

>Saint Anna: Do you want me to move inside you…

Candi: Now there’s a woman to whom I can relate!

Brad: That was highly uncalled for!

>to help you with the pain?

Baron Bob: [sings] I haven’t got time for the pain…

>Anarchist: Saint Anna, you can move me any way you like.

Slash: [as Saint Anna] Oh God! Another chauvinist out to get me in bed! You people are a dime a dozen!

>Reporter: Relative calm has returned to the X-Force press conference – and by the way, edited highlights of the mutant slugfest can be seen later tonight on pay-per-view.

Slash: Nice to see they’re trying to make a fast buck out of tragedy and an unscripted moment.

Brad: I don’t see why. It’s a free country.

>Now it’s time for the coach’s big announcement.

Slash: [as the coach] I’ve decided you’re all incompetent and you’re all fired.

>Coach: As to the matter of our new team leader…

Brad: None of these guys are worthy of leadership.

Slash: That’s why it’s going to be a woman!

>It’s an impossible task to replace my old colleague and, I’m proud to say, friend, Axel Cluney – a.k.a. "Zeitgeist"…

Brad: [as the coach] So I’ve decided not to do it.

>But after careful consideration, I’ve decided on the person most worthy to follow in his footsteps.

Slash: [sings] We follow in the footsteps of our ancestry/ And that cannot be broken…

Brad: Slash, you are definitely not Madonna.

Slash: Yea, thank God!

>The new team leader of X-Force is…

Baron Bob: Who cares?

Brad: I think this is one time we can agree on something.

>. . . the Orphan.

Slash: WHAT!? What are you doing, giving it to a man who hasn’t been on a mission!? U-Go Girl is the right choice! That is SO sexist!

>Mr. Sensitive: Coach – I don’t want this.

Brad: We don’t want this either, but we’re getting it anyway.

>I’m not ready.

Slash: You’re also too whiny.

>Make U-Go Girl the leader. She deserves it. She wants it.

Candi: Well, if she wants it that bad, she should just go and get a male pleasurebot!

Brad: That was not what he’s talking about.

>Coach: It’s not your decision, Guy.

Slash: [as the coach] I’m a sexist bigot and I’m not about to have a girl be team leader!

>You’re leader. That’s final.

Candi: Final? Oh goodie! This is over!

Slash: Not quite.

>U-Go Girl: This is outrageous!

Brad: I think it’s more stupid than outrageous.

Baron Bob: [sings] Outrageous things are gonna happen to me…

>I’ve got seniority! I’m the one who gets us to and from wherever we’re going! I’m the damn lynchpin of the whole operation!

Baron Bob: [as the coach] You’re also a whiny little witch and a glory-grabber!

Slash: Grrrr…. I am going to find this writer and strangle him!

>Coach: Which is why you’ll handle this disappointment with maturity and professionalism.

Slash: Watch her not. This is SO predictable.

>U-Go Girl: Drop dead!

Brad: You first.

Slash: Hmph! Just like a man.

>Anarchist: Congratulations, Guy.

Brad: [as the Anarchist] I’m glad they made you leader. See, now U-Go Girl is going to whack you instead of me!

>Mr. Sensitive: You’re not… disappointed?

Baron Bob: [sings] Disappointed/ Once more/ Disenchanted/ Of course….

>Anarchist: I only said I wanted to be leader to rile Edie.

Brad: [as Tommy Flanagan] Yea, that’s the ticket!

>No way I’d want the gig you just landed.

Slash: [as the Anarchist] ‘Cause U-Go Girl’s gonna be gunning for you now!

>Ever hear the term poisoned chalice?

Brad: Yes, so why don’t you all drink from it?

>Reporter: The "Orphan," the mutant formerly known as "Mister Sensitive," and new team leader of X-Force, has just arrived at his home.

Brad: Ah! The scourge of the 80’s! Ambush reporters!

>Orphan – Guy! –

Slash: [as Mr. Sensitive] Go away, I don’t want to talk to you.

>How do you feel about being made team leader before you’ve even been on a mission?

Baron Bob: [sings] Tell me how does it feel/ To be on your own?

>Mr. Sensitive: Surprised. Proud. A little scared.

Slash: And unable to form complete sentences, apparently.

>Reporter: And when will you be moving into the X-Force building?

>Mr. Sensitive: Soon.

Brad: Now get lost!

>Reporter: Struggling in the aftermath of the boyz r us massacre, with most of its old members gone,

Slash: They wisely left the place.

>a potential legal wrangle over use of the very name "X-Force" . . .

Brad: Oh, a lawsuit. I’d like to represent the people suing this new X-Force.

>and reports that Edie Sawyer – a.k.a. "U-Go Girl" - might be forming yet another splinter group,

Slash: So we can spin her off into her own series, just like we did Blink!

>rumors are rift that X-Force is falling –

Slash: Into mediocrity? They did that LONG AGO.

>Gunshot! That was a gunshot!

Brad: Oh dear, not another character that lasts just one issue.

Slash: It’s no big loss.

>I repeat:

All but Humberto: We heard you the first time!

>There’s been the sound of a gunshot from inside the Orphan’s home!

Slash: Ah, if he’s dead, he’ll just get resurrected.

Humberto: No hablo Ingles, ¡pero sé que este libro comica es terrible!

Brad: I have to agree with you on that one.

Slash: You speak Spanish?

Brad: A lawyer has to be ready for any contingency.

(Door sequence. Deep INIT bridge. Brad, Slash, and the bots are standing around there.)

Brad: Well, thank goodness that’s over.

Slash: So what do we do now?

(Mads light comes on.)

Baron Bob: Say, what’s this light-flashing thing?

(Brad touches the light. Castle Forrester. Kala and Jarred are there. Kala has Jarred in a headlock, and Jarred is trying to get out.)

Kala: You – no – hit – on – me – again!

Jarred: Whoa! All right, babe! Chill out!

(The two men from earlier enter.)

Man1: Oh, this just did not work. Turn them all back.

(The second man pulls a lever, and then the screen fills with a white light. When it subsides, Pearl has Brain Guy in a headlock. She then lets go of Brain Guy.)

Pearl: Thank GOD you came to your senses!

(Deep INIT. Mike, Angel and the bots are there now instead of their replacements.)

Mike: Well, I hope you learned that you shouldn’t mess with perfection.

Tom: You had it lucky, at least they didn’t change you into an Elvis impersonator.

Big John: Hey, I was turned into an airhead bimbo!

(Castle Forrester.)

Man1: We just didn’t hit the right target markets… now, what we need is a brooding hunk type and some woman he can fall madly in love with.

Pearl: All right, that does it! Out! Now! We don’t want your network if it means me being some sexpot with a bad accent!

Man2: You don’t know what you’re missing…

(The two men exit.)

Pearl: [exasperated] Brain guy, push the button.

(The screen shuts off. End credits. Stinger line:)

>Coach: This one’s going to be dangerous.

* Carrollton, Texas is a predominantly upper-class suburb of Dallas.