>Superboy #86

>The Wedding Album?

>Caption: Chattahoochie, Florida. One-time home of the proud Chattahoochie Indians, whose tribe name, loosely translated means --

>Chads? We don' need no stinkin' Chads. Pass me the pork rinds."

>Officers Weave and Bob have reported "Repeated suspected genetic manipulation of the local fauna" to the F.B.I., D.E.O., C.I.A., A.S.P.C.A., and OU812…

>All cases were closed before they were opened. Shock and horror, this backwood's vacation spot is bursting with mysteries of the "Too much moonshine" kind.

>Bob: Weave. S'them.

>Caption: But you can't keep down the South, can you?

>Superboy: Two of you wrangled 'er in by your lonesomes? Wow, you must be eatin' the fortified grits --

>Serling: Um -- can we see the sample now, please?

Angel: Let's not and say we did.

Tom: I'd rather not either.

>Teeka: Dude, you should nab one of these … the nitrates are totally giving me a buzz…

Mike: So will sniffing too much glue, but that's not good for you either…

Angel: Better be careful… that stuff will go right to your thighs.

>Weave: Thing's been dead f'r about three weeks, we reckon. Jim Rubey was gonna make boots outta it, but we wanted someone t'check 'er out first…

Tom: [sings] Right about now/ Funk soul brother/ Check 'em out now/ Funk soul brother…

>Caption: So tonight, the once-proud Cadmus plays fifth-string X-Files for the taxpayers. Tell you one thing…

Tom: [sings] Tonight, tonight…

Mike: I think I'm better off not knowing.

Crow: They couldn't afford David and Gillian.

>… I'm gonna make sure they get their Confederate dollars' worth.

Big John: [hick accent] Tarnation! Darn thing's working again! Gonna make me look bad!

>Southern Cookin'

Crow: Oh boy! A meal of corn bread, black eyed peas, grits, and barbecue! Let's dig in!

>Bob: Shoot it! Shoot it!

Mike: Not one word out of you, Big John.

Big John: Sheesh. Give me a break. That one's pretty low.

>Weave: I cain't! my trigger finger's got corn dog on it!

Big John: O.k., How is this affecting his ability to shoot?

Tom: What do you mean?

Big John: Corn dog doesn't get greasy, it's kinda spongy.

Angel: Yankee writer again…

>Teeka: Whoa. Maybe I shouldn't have put hot sauce on this…

Crow: [hick accent] Aw, just because that hot sauce is 74% alcohol by volume, don't mean tain't bad.

Tom: Oh look, her corn dog has suddenly regained a bite that was taken out of it.

>Serling: Incredible! The thing's broadcasting a power signature like --

>oh.

Crow: [as the Church lady] So you just happen to have the one instrument that can tell you it's really Superboy handy. How conveeeenent.

Tom: How do you know it's SB?

Crow: This is way too predictable.

>Superboy: Bwahhh! You -- oh, and the two of -- you -- Ahhh!

>Bob: Not funny, boy.

Mike: I agree, this is bad.

>Superboy: You, officer stocky -- do that Gomer Pyle gobble again -- Bwahhh!

Mike: Someone tell him it's not nice to have fun at someone else's expense.

Big John: Uh, Mike that's what we're doing now.

>Didn't fool you, did I, "Miss Serling science?"

Crow: If you like this, you're a fool.

>Serling: Don't go to sleep tonight, K'on. Don't even close your eyes. I promise, you won't wake up.

Angel: [as Serling] And kissing me when I'm hacked off like this is not winning you points with me! I ought to tear those lips off your miserable face right now!

>Superboy: Aw, come on, Serl. You gotta laugh here.

Crow: [as Serling] It's not in the script so I'm not doing it.!

>Because someone's gonna start crying any second.

Mike: We're made of sterner stuff than this!

>Duct tape. Wire. I think that's a car seat cover.

Big John: Add chewing gum and you got the sacred quartet of handyman secret weapons!

Crow: [as Red Green] If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

>I smell a. bamboozle.

Crow: So what does a bamboozle smell like?

>Weave: Uh… hey, I jus' remembered. Dixie Chicks's [sic] on in five. You folks 'scuse me --?

Big John: You gotta love the Dixie Chicks.

Mike: You just like them because they're beautiful women.

Big John: Can you blame me?

>Bob: Sir, you are addressin' a peace officer of the fine state of Florida.

Mike: [as Bob] Now you be nice to me or Ah' m a-gonna put you in the poky, comprende?

Tom: And what address are you using? Why, 1700 Broadway, New York, NY 10019, of course.

>Superboy: Insinuatin', assertin' and expectoratin' it, chief! I think you got nothing here but a need to waste my time --

Angel: Reading this is a big waste of time.

Crow: [referring to a dictionary] Let's see here: Expectorate: to bring up liquid from the throat or lungs and force it out of the mouth.

All but Crow: Ick.

>Serling: Now that's… odd.

>Teeka: I think you may owe officer Moonshine an apology.

Mike: [as Superboy] But I'm an arrogant, egotistical young man! I apologize to nobody!

Tom: I think DC owes us an apology for putting this out.

>Superboy: Gollll-ly.

Angel: Wonderful.

Tom: Ah, another hick reference… just in case you forgot we're in Florida.

>Auntie: Up to it, li'l 'uns! Ain't got but a day!

>Caption: Alligators and "Aunt Bea" trying to abscond with a five-ton jumpcopter. Now it was a case.

Mike: Nice of you to wait until now to do something.

Tom: Let's hope this picks up soon, I'm getting bored.

>Perfect timing. I was just starting to feel like a dweeb again over what I pulled to get here…

Crow: [as Superboy] Oh - shouldn't have pulled that all-nighter to get that paper done.

>Superboy: It was bad, real bad.

Mike: Looks like someone finished reading the script here!

>Drowning. Batgirl's eyes and my voice and…

>… and it was my fault completely.

Tom: [as Superboy] That's the last time I pull an all-nighter with another superheroine!

Angel: I thought he was supposed to be with Wonder Girl.

Big John: Some guys think they can get away with cheating on their girlfriends… unfortunately, when you cheat, you're only cheating yourself.

>Trying to show up Robin and play tough guy nearly got me and Batgirl killed… just like you said it would.

Mike: Yea, now pay attention to me next time I give you some advice!

>So… y'know…

Crow: Uh… no, we don't know.

Angel: Frankly, I think we're better off not knowing.

>Sorry I thought you were a big dumb Republican poster boy.

Mike: Hey, hey hey! Don't you dare call me that! I'd rather eat glass than vote Republican!

>From now on, I play it straight. You say it, I do it. End of story.

Tom: Good ! Your first assignment is to find some decent writing!

>Guardian: I appreciate what it must have taken for you to say that, Superboy. Apology accepted…

Mike: Now if only you will apologize to us.

Big John: Oh, come on Mike. This is the requisite pretentiously angst-ridden moment.

>… but pop off at me again like you did last training session --

Big John: [as Guardian] And I'm sending you to Marvel!

Tom: [as Superboy] You inhuman fiend!

>-- I'll make what Batman put you through seem like a sensual massage.

>Superboy: Oh, you military types. So sensitive. Thanks, Guardian.

Crow: I hate short sentences in a row. It gives the work a choppy feel. Don't you agree? I hope you do. Right?

Tom: Ah, youth today. So irresponsible.

>Mickey: Shake it and wake it, girls. Uncle Sam just put in a double order with fries.

Big John: You think he's a girl? Man, you need glasses!

Mike: Maybe if he took his eyes off that Palmtop computer once in awhile.

Crow: [as Mickey] I must have my internet at all times!

 >Shrapnel has been sighted tearing up Northern Detriot. And I need my Kid-Kong there three minutes ago.

Tom: Whew! Good thing he's tearing up a town named Detriot and not some major city like Detroit!

Crow: So where is Detriot anyway? If it's in New Jersey, it wouldn't be a big loss.

>Superboy: Shrapnel? Scourge of major appliances everywhere? Wow, this'll be a career maker! J.L.A., here I come!

Tom: [announcer voice] And all the appliances in Detriot cheered their hero, Superboy!

>Unless, of course, some big, strong G.I. Gentlemen take pity on this poor little clone-boy who just learned a valuable lesson--

Mike: [angered] Look at you, taking all the pity and leaving none for us!

Crow: Sure! Send the other guy to do your job! Typical teenager.

>-- and would take down the walking trash compactor so said boy could sleep for a thousand years.

Tom: [sings] Words are few some of them spoken/ I can sleep for a thousand years…

Crow: [old man accent] Ah, you kids are all fat and lazy!

 >Guardian: >Sigh< Does it have to be the kid?

Tom: Well, it's his series…

Crow: Go ahead, send the adult to do the kid's job. Let's encourage slacking amongst the youth.

>Mickey: Nah. Not really. He probably wouldn't be any good anyway.

Big John: He's a new superhero for our times… Slacker Boy!

>All tuckered out and his panties in the wash.

Mike: Don't try this one.

Big John: The implications are frightening.

>Superboy: [singing] Go Guardian, get busy. Kickin' metal bootie --

Angel: He wants him to kick a metal baby shoe?

Mike: I wish he was kicking Superboy booty instead.

>Guardian: Yea, well, it's not coming cheap. You'll pay for this one, kid.

Tom: [announcer voice] All yours for the convenient low price of only 1220 payments of $19.95 each!

>Superboy: Right, okay. Nighty time now. Buh-bye…

Angel: [as Superboy] I've got a date with a bed here! Get lost!

>Mickey: Don't get too deep into dreamland, kid.

Tom: [Game Show Host voice] That's right, you traded away the sure thing for what's behind door #2! And tell him what he's won, Don Pardo!

>I said there were two orders.

Crow: Yea, he wants those fries impossibly hugely sized!

>Superboy: From that uncharacteristic grin, I take it the job isn't to save Jennifer Lopez from her constricting nightgown?

Crow: That's Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs' job, you get to save the Bride of Frankenstein from her constricting nightgown!

>Mickey: Heh… you think Shrapnel is a snoozer. Can you say "Chattahoochie"? [sic AGAIN]

Tom: Man? Don!t you hate it when they reverse punctuation'

Crow: [as this man] Check out my palmtop computer! I managed to set the time correctly all by myself!

>Auntie: Officer Bob! I aims to file a complaint!

Crow: [as Auntie] Someone took mah false teeth! And not only that, Ah'm trapped in as a big honkin' stereotype in a bad comic book!

Angel: [as Auntie] But Ah can't hit the broadside of a barn! Hep me aim mah complaint!

>That fancy pants Yankee is makin' t'abscond with my rightful property -- an' he's a threat t'stupid innocent animals!

Angel: Some guys don't know when to leave well enough alone.

Tom: Whatever happened to live and let live?

>Superboy: Okay… we totally stepped into the hee-haw zone, big time.

Big John: Hee-Haw salutes my hometown of Conway, Arkansas. Population: Somewhere around 34,000.

All: SAL-UTE!

>A little help here from my lovely assistants? Tekka?

Angel: Just like a man to want to throw his friends into danger like that.

Crow: This is definitely not winning you points with N.O.W.

>Tekka: Working on it, Kon! Stay unchomped a little longer!

Angel: [as Tekka] I'm not about to get in there and lose a limb with you! Get some other woman to do that!

Crow: [as Superboy] Darnit woman, I don't want to die alone!

>Serling: Well?! Let's go, officers! Let's do something!

Mike: [as the policeman] If'n you ain't willin' to go hep the boy, Ah ain't gonna do it neither!

>Bob: We already have, miss.

Crow: Wow! That was fast.

Tom: Now if only they could do something to improve the quality of this comic book.

>Evenin', Auntie!

>Superboy: Lady, if you don't want me to set phasers to "luggage and shoes," you'll call these things off!

Angel: O.k., they're off.

All but Angel: *Groan*…

>Auntie: AIIEEE! Mah chillin's!

Crow: [Jamaican accent] Hey mon, you want to chill here? I got me some Marley we can listen to…

>That's a bad touch! HEELLLP!

Crow: I'm not too sure this can be saved.

>Serling: You… you know her? But --

Mike: It's a small town! Everyone knows everyone!

>This is a setup.

>Bob: "Slick City folk" come to Chattahoochie with their briefcases an' suits an' mouthwash an' say we're wastin' their time.

Crow: You may not be wasting all their time but you sure are letting this sentence run-on too much.

>Think I ain't nothin' but a goober with a gun.

Tom: [hick accent] Well Andy, you and Barney there are supposin' to be holdin' up the law around these parts!

>Well, this goober's got teeth instead of a delicious peanut center.

Mike: That was pea-brain, not peanut.

Crow: A goober with teeth in it? Yeech.

>Auntie: The debil! You got the debil in ye!

Mike: Well, it keeps the devil out of us…

Crow: [as Flip Wilson] The devil made me do it!

>Superboy: Nah, just a dressed-down hippie with a remote control. Good save, Tekka.

Big John: Peace and love incorporated, man!

>Serling: What did you do?!

Mike: It doesn't look like he did anything, actually.

>Bob: Brought your "genetic anomalies" to you.

Tom: Funny, they look like alligators to me.

>They like shiny things, girl. Helicopters an' Chevy vans don' do a thing f'r 'em. Bon appetit.

Angel: [as Serling] I'm supposed to have a good meal after watching all this? Are you out of your mind?!

>Auntie: Lordie? Lordie, you can hear Auntie Sister callin'? I got me a demon here in hair gel an' sinful tight pants --

Crow: [as the Church lady] Now, who could make him do something like that… could it be… SATAN?

>Superboy: You know… heh… I'm sort of at a loss here. Let's try with simple sentences --

Mike: O.k., We do not like this. Is that simple enough for you?

Crow: [as Superboy] Whoa! Stop! You're going too fast for me!

>Superboy: HNNNGH!

>Auntie: Aww, ain't that sweet, Lord? You sendin' Hellfire mah way?

Crow: [as God] Darn! I was aiming for both of them!

>That's one more nudie shot in the collection plate, yessir.

Mike: No! I don't want to imagine it.

Big John: When you've seen Pearl naked, very little phases you.

Crow: Oh look, she's somehow gotten all her teeth back now…

>Big Poppa: Y'all right, auntie sister?

Big John: All right! You %#*& Yankees don't know how to speak Southern! Y'all is plural! There is ONLY ONE woman there!

Tom: Calm down, Big John.

Big John: Well, how would you feel if I mocked the Northern accent?

>Auntie: Am now, Big Poppa… 'casue we in God's America, Chattahoochie, an' in Chattahoochie --

Big John: [as Auntie] All we do is git drunk and drive around!

Mike: Big John!

Big John: You've obviously never have been to a small southern town before.

>-- The REDNEX rule.

Crow: Looks like a bunch of rejects from Green Acres.

Tom: And the Andy Griffith Show.

Mike: Talk about bad breath.

Big John: [sings] I'm on a Redneck Rampage/ Tearin' up the Everglades!

>Caption: I will never forgive myself

Mike: The crimes you've committed against good taste are unforgivable too.

>for falling unconscious when there were so many priceless jokes to be made… Never.

Crow: Most of them made at your expense.

>Unfortunately, I'd have a second chance when I came to.

Mike: And unfortunately, we'd have more and more chances to tear this comic to pieces.

>Big Poppa hit me so hard I thought I died and went to discount heaven.

Crow: You didn't, but I'm sure you'll wish you did.

>Unfortunately, before I could let out my first "Sweet Home Alabama!"

Big John: You're in Florida, not Alabama!

>I realized Tekka and Serling were gone.

>Serling: This can't be happening. It's got to be part of a plan --

Mike: A plan to turn off readers to Superboy and cancel the series, yes.

>Superboy: Tell me about your blackheads. I want to know everything about every delicious inch of you, my corn muffin…

Tom: It's times like this I'm glad I don't have a stomach.

Mike: But you made up for it by not being able to cover your ears when that awful music played.

>Gorgeous Gilly: Oh, hush, Konny…

Tom: [sings] Oh hush/ Keep it down now/ Voices carry…

Mike: I'd rather be shouting it out now.

>Save them lips for sayin' "I do."

Crow: [as Superboy] But I don't!

>Serling: Superboy! Snap out of it! Listen to your heart!

Big John: [sings] Listen/ To my heart/ Listen/ Well I'll be smart…

>You can fight this!

>Do you have any idea what it's going to do to my ego to see the guy who dumped me transfixed by that?!

Big John: You had a hot blonde babe like that in love with you, and you dumped her!? Are you out of your freakin' mind!? Well, you can always come to me, babe!

Crow: I thought he was supposed to be dating Wonder Girl.

Angel: Are you sure this isn't a Marvel Comic?

Mike: Kinda hard to tell them apart now and days.

 >Wake -- OOOMPF!

Mike: How do you wake an oompf?

Tom: [as Superboy] You talk too much, woman! That's why I left you!

>Superboy: Sorry, precious. Poor girl can't help herself. She's obsessed with me.

Angel: Why is utterly incomprehensible. If a guy treated me like that, he'd get a smack upside the head.

Big John: You know, I'm glad she's your girlfriend and not mine now.

Mike: Gee, thanks.

>Gorgeous Gilly: I understand, sweet thing. We all have a past. Remind me to tell you the story 'bout the time I manhandled the entireity of the Dallas Cowboys.

Angel: Even Jerry Jones? EUGH!

Crow: You know, you two must have very strong stomachs to be able to take all of this. I'm pretty sure some of the more sensitives out there have thrown up by now.

Tom: I think we've had enough horror stories for the day.

>Big Poppa: Dearly beloved… when da good book say "Make 'em get married," they ain't just tryin' t'keep our children offa welfare.

Crow: And for the welfare of humanity, things like this should never see the light of day!

Mike: [cranky old man voice] Ah, these hicks are always lookin' fer a handout!

>They talkin' about a basic human need…

Mike: [to Big John] Not one word out of you.

Big John: With these hicks around, I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole. But if it was a bunch of hot babes…

Angel: Stop right there, libido boy.

>Auntie: You get half! Haw!

Mike: I agree with the philosopher who once said "S/he who thinks a relationship is a 50-50 proposition either doesn't understand fractions or the opposite sex."

Angel: [taking umbrage] And just what do you mean by that?

Mike: Come on, how many times have we really made each other angry?

Angel: *Sigh* you're impossible, Mike Nelson.

>Superboy: I hear that.

Crow: Nice of you to let us know your hearing is fine.

Tom: Too bad it's the only thing that's o.k. here.

>Gorgeous Gilly: You mind puttin' the God-stuff inta high gear, poppa? We got some honeymoonin' t'do!

Tom: [as Big Poppa] Hush up, chile! Don't you be disrespectin' the Lord here!

(Big John plays the Porkarina.)

Angel: It's a wonder you're still functioning after that.

>Superboy: Bring it on, you Goddess.

Mike: I don't feel so good myself, Angel…

Big John: Oh God, he's not going to do that, is he?>

Tom: Of course, since he didn't go through the complete ceremony, the wedding is null and void!

>Serling: I do have a plan, Tekka.

Angel: [very queasy] Oh God, please don't show that. I don't want to watch that.

All but Angel: I don't think we do either, Angel.

(Angel rushes off, covering her mouth.)

Crow and Tom: AH! I'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE!MY OPTICAL CIRCUITS!

(Angel vomits from off screen. All we hear is her retching and throwing up.)

Big John: Wait a minute… Mike, why aren't you throwing up?

(Pause.)

Big John: Mike? Mike, speak to me!

(Angel reenters, regaining her composure. She then spots Mike, who has a blank look on his face.)

Angel: Mike? Mike, why do you have that look on your face?

(Angel shakes Mike, who remains unmoved.)

Angel: Come on, Nelson, snap out of it!

(Angel then slaps Mike on the cheek, and he comes out of it.)

Mike: OW!

>Man: Don’t no one look at me. Mah face's leakin'.

Angel: Nice to know I'm not the only one who lost their lunch.

(Door sequence. Commercials. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Angel and Mike are repairing the optical sensors of Crow, Tom, and Big John.)

Crow: Man that was hideous. What in the world could make someone like someone else that awful?

Mike: Thanks for saving me, Angel. I  don't know what happened to me there.

(Mike takes a screwdriver, and tightens a screw on Crow's temple.)

Big John: I've heard reports that sometimes when a person is confronted with something that s/he cannot stand, the brain will shut down as a defense mechanism.

Mike: I must say, I've seen a lot of disgusting things before, but that one was truly awful.

Big John: Just be glad you've never had to endure the horror of Pearl naked.

Angel: I'm afraid we're out of parts for you, Tom… but this should work as a temporary thing until we can get more.

Tom: Thanks.

(Suddenly the buzzer sounds, lights flash, and the camera shakes.)

Mike: Ah! We've got comic book sign!

(Door sequence. Theater of torture. Mike, Angel and the bots sit.)

>Serling: Now, Tekka! Move!

>J.C.: Mah pretty bag! NO!

Angel: Oh, please. I've already thrown up once in this comic book. I don't want to do it again.

>Auntie: AIIIIEE!

Crow: Oh, thank God they're sparing us that guy's face.

>Someone: Don't look directly at his hideous visage!

>Someone: My eyes! My eyes!

Crow: Now you know what we go through.

>Leave him be! Git the witch!

Tom: Sabrina is there? What on earth would she be doing there?

>Serling: Please let it just be a "love eye…"

Mike: It's more like the evil eye.

> Serling: KON! WAKE UP!

Mike: EUGH! You don't know where that thing's been.

Big John: If I had to kiss someone like that, I think I'd like a bag over my headfirst too.

>Gorgeous Gilly: Honey cakes, I don't think it's proper to start with masks until the wedding night --

>Superboy: What's going on? ->Smack, smack<-

Mike: Are you sure you want to find out?

Tom: Don't smack your lips! It's bad manners!

>And why does my mouth taste like…

>Serling: Superboy, it's Serling! Please tell me you hear --

Crow: Well, his hearing was working fine a few minutes ago…

Big John: [suggestively] Well, if he won't listen to you, come on and sit on Daddy's knee here and I'll listen to anything you say…

Angel: Can the sex, libido boy.

>Superboy: AIIIIIIIIGH!

Crow: Looks like someone finally wised up to the script!

>Someone (Gilly?) What? He want I should put a little more French on the liplock?

Tom: So that's what that stuff is! Rotten French salad dressing!

Mike: I thought French salad dressing was a light reddish color.

Tom: It's rotten, Mike.

All but Tom: Ugh.

>Caption: Nearby, at the local Hogly-Woggly.

Crow: Hey, where are the requisite two old guys in the corner playing checkers on a barrel?

Tom: Looks like they forgot one Southern stereotype.

Mike: I'm sure we'll see it later.

>Man: That spearmint… what that taste like?

>Store worker: Spearmint.

Crow: Looks like we've got a real rocket scientist here.

Tom: Nice of them to break back into the stereotypes again.

>Man: Hmm. What about the Cinamon?

Tom: Oh that tastes like Asparagus.

Crow: I thought it tasted like Kiwi fruit.

Mike: Are you sure? I thought it tasted like Mariana sauce.

Big John: No, no! It tastes like chicken!

Angel: I think you four have been doing this for too long now.

>What about Cherry --?

Crow: [sinisterly] You're better off not knowing…

Mike: I think this guy went to the same school as George W. Bush.

>Superboy: For the love of God, people --

Mike: Stop this story before it makes someone puke again!

>Mouthwash! Degreaser! Sandpaper!

Crow: [as Karnac] What are three things that will ruin the finish on a car?

Mike: [angry] Not until you pay for that broken window, mister!

>Auntie: There, there, Gilly. Don't cry.

Tom: [sings] Don't cry out loud/ Just keep it inside/ And learn how to hide your feelings…

Big John: [sings] Big Girls don't cry…

>God will punish you f'r being an inadequate wife.

 Tom: I think he should punish you now for improper hygiene!

>J.C.: Are you happy now?

Crow: Are you kidding me? OF COURSE NOT!

>You have shed the light of day on my private shame.

Tom: Yea, that one zit really looks horrible.

Angel: Let me get this straight. You got a bunch of uglier than sin people out there, and the one guy who is kinda cute thinks he's ugly.

Crow: It's a joke that doesn't work for us either.

>Hideous…. I… hideous.

>Serling: Oh boy.

Crow: [as Serling] Stop me before I go hormonal!

Tom: Are you sure you want those people to be your kin?

(Big John plays the Porkarina.)

>Tekka (Romantically) I guess that means you have to tie me up in your room again?

Big John: [before Mike can cut in] You can do whatever you want with me, babe!

Mike: Big John!

>Big Poppa: No!

Tom: [as Big Poppa] Ah ain't having mah son marry no Yankee girl!

(Big John plays the Porkarina.)

>F'r runin' the nuptials, poor J.C.'s gonna have to spend a week in the shed of penance --

Mike: Where that character will tear his face to shreds, thus making him look like the rest of us!

Bots: Wrong comic book company, Mike.

Mike: Hey, I have a life, so I can be ignorant.

>-- an' you two heathens is gonna be purified!

Big John: All right! I wanna 'purify' the blonde!

(Angel reaches over and slaps Big John.)

Big John: OW! Aw, c'mon!

Angel: Your kind of purification would make her corrupt.

>Serling: Okay… maybe it wasn't a good plan…

>Tekka: Look at that jaw…

Crow: Yea, Big Poppa's breath is so bad you can see it!

>those eyes… oh -- I'm sorry, are people talking?

Tom: [sings] Everybody's talkin' at me/ I can't hear a word they say…

>Auntie?: FLMBBA GBBLFTH

Mike: Hey, hey hey! Cut that language out! Why, I ought to wash your mouth out with soap!

>Auntie: What the --?

>Big Poppa: It's rainin' tiny transparent planets?

Crow: It's called soap, something I doubt you'd be familiar with.

Tom: Oh look, Big Poppa's suddenly got all his teeth back.

>Man: Is it an Angel's spittle?

Angel: [not amused] Hey, I don't drool here!

Big John: Except when you're thinking about Mike.

(Angel reaches over and hits Big John.)

Big John: Ow!

Angel: Keep those snide remarks to yourself, mister!

>Gorgeous Gilly: No.. oh -- it's -- SOAP!

Crow: [game show host voice] Congratulations! You guessed correctly, and tell 'em what they won, Don Pardo!

Tom: [announcer voice] Why, she won a full bath at Superboy's spa! And a year's supply of Rice-o-roni, the San Francisco treat!

>Superboy: OBMLLTH MMGCH BBLE!

>Caption: "Someone please scrub my tonsils, and my lungs, and my memory."

Crow: No problem, I got a nice vat of brainwash right here!

Mike: You're the one holding a brush, you do it yourself, mister!

>J.C.: It's soap! Soaaaap!

>The destroyer has come! Please don't leech my vital fluids!

Tom: I don't want your vital fluids, mister!

Big John: You know, I've been in several small towns, and the people there did practice personal hygiene. After all, a common saying is "Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

>Auntie: Soap's only bad when ye bathe f'r pleasure! S' okay t'fight in! Auntie says so!

Crow: Oh, well, if you say it's o.k… I guess it is then.

Big John: Don't listen to her! Run while you can!

>Knew I shoulda read that Dr. Spock book 'afore havin' rugrats.

Angel: I don't think that would have helped.

>Serling: Can you believe this?

Big John: No way.

Mike: Only if I turn off my mind.

Tom: Hey, D.C.'s becoming popular with the brain dead crowd now.

>Even in a panic he saves the day.

>Tekka: Mind-blowing, man.

Crow: [as Tekka] I shouldn't have touched Auntie's corn squeezin's!

>Man: Get it off! It burns!

Angel: [as the wicked witch of the west from The Wizard of Oz] AH! I'm melting! Melting!

>Superboy: Speak up, Serling! My eyes are shut --

Tom: Oh, what a wacky guy! He listens with his eyes, and has them shut right now.

Mike: Another fine product of the American education system.

>Serling: This Wayyyyy!

Tom: [as Serling] I think I see a way out of this story! Let's take it!

>Tekka? Superboy?: I will never ever ever forgive Guardian for trading places with me!

Mike: Which one of them is saying that?

Crow: I think we're better off not knowing.

>Serling: Uh-huh, "Mister Gilly."

Mike: [as Superboy] Don't remind me of that!

Crow: [as Superboy] I want an annulment now!

>Superboy: Zip it… and shove that toilet scrubber down my throat.

All: Gladly.

Big John: I think we should smack you silly while we're at it.

>Gorgeous Gilly: Honey Pot? What about the nuptial celebration?

Crow: You lost him, and frankly, he'd have to be crazy to want to go with you.

Tom: This message brought to you by denial. Denial, it's a better place to be than deamazon!

>Ah got two six-packs, saran wrap an' Duke of Hazzard videos chilled an' waitin'!

Crow: You put videotapes in a freezer? Why?

Tom: They certainly don't stay fresher that way.

Big John: You can start by putting that Saran wrap over your face and holding it there until you suffocate.

>Oh… super-stud, it's jus' cold feet!

Crow: Or maybe something called sanity!

Angel: Jilted at the alter… just like a man.

Mike: Come on, Angel. I would have made it had I not been kidnapped again…

>Ah won't give up on you! You will be mine again!

All: Better him than us.

>Big Poppa?: J.C., you 'pologize to yer sister f'r ruinin' her shot at love with yer dog vomit of a face!

Mike: [as J.C.] Ain't mah fault that y'all were born ugly and Ah wasn't. don't be puttin' me down f'r that!

(Big John plays the Porkarina.)

>J.C.: Sorry, Gilly.

Angel: We know you are, now apologize.

>Caption: I'm sure you can't imagine just how many bugs get caught in your teeth at mach 2.

Mike: That's what helmets are for, mister! Wear one!

>Little packages of crunchy goodness compared to kissing --ugh -- I can't even narrate about it.

Crow: The sooner you stop, the better!

Tom: Faster than a speeding bullet… but not fast enough!

>So we do not pass go yes it's my final answer get me the heck off the island until we get back to Cademus --

Tom: Do not collect $200.

Crow: Oh, I'm sorry, that's not the answer we're looking for. I'm afraid you've lost the jackpot.

>Superboy: I want tanks! I want planes! I want mutant apes with guns that pop out of their ears!

Mike: Well, I want decent writing, and do I ever get it?

Tom: [sings] You can't always get what you want…

>Get me a giant saw to cut off Florida off of the mainland!

Mike: First, get some decent writing and get someone to stick and old sock in Superboy's mouth!

>Mickey: Kid…

Crow: Shut that loud mouth of yours!

>Superboy: Mickey, it was horrible! The -- the kissing, the misses-stache, and the banjos --

 Tom: [as Mickey] All right, we're sending you back down there! Now shut up!

Angel: You think that's bad? Try to have to endure week after week of bad media with two cobbled together robots and Doctor Libido here!

>Dear god… the banjos -- round up Heat Wave and Guardian and --

Crow: Have them beat the crud out of Superboy!

 Crow, Tom, and Mike: Don't remind us of that.

>Mickey: Kid, please…

Mike: Shut that God-awful pie hole of yours!

>Superboy: What? I'm on a rant here!

Tom: And we want you off of it now!

>Mickey? What's going on…?

Tom: [sings] Oh/ What's going on…

>Superboy: Guardian?

Tom: Looks like he won't be your guardian anymore here…

>No.

>Caption: And that was the day Guardian died.

Big John: [sings] It was the day that Arthur died/ Oh I cried…

(Door sequence. Commercials. When we come back, Deep INIT bridge. Mike is holding several cartoons in his hand, and the bots are nearby. Angel is holding the Cartooner in her hands. She sets it on the counter.)

Angel: You got the cartoons, Mike?

Mike: Yea. Let's start off with Red Meat and Foxtrot…

(He puts those cartoons in the Cartooner, and then turns the crank. Out the other end comes a cartoon. Angel takes that cartoon, and reads it.)

Angel: Hmm… Bug-eyed Earl is Paige's date for the night.

(The others laugh. The Mads light comes on.)

Tom: Hey, try Dilbert and the Boondocks.

Mike: O.k….

(Mike puts two cartoons in the Cartooner, and then turns the crank. A cartoon comes out the other side. Angel takes the cartoon, and reads it.)

Angel: Hmm… Huey and Riley have hacked into Dilbert's computer and are trying to use it to take over the world.

(The others laugh. The screen then opens, and then we see Pearl, Brain guy and an Observer there. They have several bags of items with them.)

Pearl: Ah, yes. Mike, we just got back from a wonderful sale at Mark's mad scientist supply. Now I've got enough stuff here to keep me busy with some of my other experiments for a good while.

Observer: Lawgiver, experiment #221-4A is starting to react…

Pearl: Excellent! I've got to check this out at once!

(Pearl goes over to a mad scientist chemistry setup, with beakers, tubes, and the like. She studies one tube where a liquid that is blue is coming out of a tap into a beaker.)

Pearl: Wonderful! This is the ultimate in feminine hygiene! I have to try it out on the guinea pigs at once!

(Pearl grabs the flask, and the liquid sloshes around in the flask. Unfortunately, the liquid is unstable, and explodes. Smoke covers the screen. When it clears, Pearl is holding a broken flask top, and her hair smokes. Her clothes are dirty and everything around her looks ruined.)

Pearl: [humiliated] Observer, push the button.

(The screen then shuts off. End credits. Stinger line:)

J.C.: Love, God's great song.

--End--