Original by Martha Thomases, MiST by the Icehole
MiSTer’s Note: Again a comic book’s horridness outweighs its obscurity. I’d include samples so you can see what’s going on, but Geocities' has for some unknown reason decided not to let me use images on this site anymore.
(SOL bridge. We see Mike and the bots there, practicing their barbershop quartet skills again.)
Mike & the bots (Singing): Did you never call/ I waited for your call / These rivers of suggestion/ Are diving me away. The trees will bend/ The cities wash away/ The city on the river/ Here’s a boy without a dream
(The stop singing.)
Mike: I really do have some misgivings about putting that song into our list. I mean, it’s not really meant to be sung a cappella...
Big John: But early R.E.M. is hot these days. It’s either that one or Wolves, lower.
Tom: They’re the only ones that we can understand what’s being said.
(The screen comes to life, and shows Pearl, Bobo, and the Observer there.)
Pearl: Nelson!! Get ready for this week’s comic book!
Mike: You just had to ruin a good moment, didn’t you?
Pearl: Tough! We’ve got a delightfully terrible piece this week... Dakota North #1.
Mike & the bots: Who???
Bobo: Dakota North #1. It’s like Barbie Fashion meets La Femme Nikita.
Observer: Or Millie the Model meets James Bond.
Pearl: It’s a bold experiment that went deliciously wrong.
(The Observer holds up a copy of Wizard.)
Observer: Let me read you Wizard’s review*... “‘Eat lead, geek face!’ So begins the saga of sexy security expert Dakota North. Fashion designer Luke Jacobsen is being terrorized, and Dakota will go to any lengths - including dressing up like a model, throwing bombs out of windows and making her gun go “Brak! Brak!” - to save his business. And when her little brother Ricky moves in, the fun really starts! Look out, Dakota! Masked gunmen! Brak! Brak! Ping! Ping! Please, just make it go away...”
Tom: It doesn’t sound so bad.
Pearl: Oh, but the editor is a favorite of yours, Tom - Larry Hama!
(The bots are taken aback, and shake briefly in terror.)
Crow: Oh no, not more Hama!
Pearl: Oh yes... well, go insane soon... hehehhehehehehehehehehe....
(Pearl throws the comic book switch, and the comic book light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. We see Mike and the bots sit.)
Big John: Well, here we go...
> Dakota North >Investigations
>New York Paris Rome Tokyo
Crow: [sings] London New York Paris Munich/ Everybody talk about/ Pop music!
>Caption: People move to lower Manhattan because it’s so quiet...
Mike: I never knew there was a quiet part of Manhattan.
Bots: I don’t think we did either.
>Quiet, and safe.
Crow: You’ve got to be kidding me. New York crime is renowned the world over!
>Mad Dog: Dakota, look out!
Big John: There’s a crowd of horny teenagers after you!
Mike: Big John!
>Eat lead, geek face!
Mike: No thank you, my doctor told me to avoid eating lead.
Crow: I’m on a lead free diet too...
Design for Dying!
Crow: So this issue is designed to be bad.
Tom: Is that like those machines in The Road to Wellville?
>Dakota: Congratulations, Mad Dog. You just trashed a bag lady.
Tom: He was doing her a favor! She’s now spared the rest of this story.
Crow: Having a life on the street with only a bagfull of possessions isn’t much of a life...
>Mad Dog: Sounds good to me. Do I get extra points?
Crow: Actually, the bag lady was too easy to shoot - and she’s worth -100 pts.
>Dakota: If this was the street, instead of our basement, you’d go straight to jail!
Tom: [as Mad Dog] I can plead insanity and get a suspended sentence!
>Mad Dog: Don’t pass go? Don’t collect two hundred?
Crow: This is Maximum Force, not Monopoly!
>I think I’ll stick to typing and lying to creditors!
Crow: [as Mad Dog, as if he was typing something] Now, let’s see here... where’s that darned o key...? ->snep<- Urgh! Missed it!
>Dakota: Don’t give up. Your aim is improving , kiddo.
Crow: You’ll hit the o key on the first try next time.
Big John: Maybe next time you’ll hit the toilet standing up!
Mike: Big John! That was disgusting!
>Now get the phone. If it’s a bill collector or my dad, get rid of him.
Crow: Pesky bill collectors! They always want money for something they rarely provide! My cable is on only two days a week, but I’m still having to pay $300 for it a month!
>Mad Dog: I hear and obey, master...
Big John: [As DN] And while you’re out there, find me a hot hunk I can sponge off of!
>Culhane: What’s shaking, Mad Dog?
Big John: [as Mad Dog] Not much... Dakota’s been exercising, and she’s lost all that weight... now nothing on her shakes except her -
Mike: [interrupts] That’s enough, Big John.
>Mad Dog: Detective Culhane!
Crow: I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it! I swear I didn’t do it!
Mike: Didn't do what?
Crow: Erm... never mind...
>Is this a social call, or do I have to tuck in my shirt?
Tom: [as Culhane] I’m afraid all your creditors have asked me to arrest you and Dakota. You have the right to remain silent...
>Culhane: No, not this time.
Big John: [as Culhane] I’ve struck a bargain with your creditors. I’m going to pay them all off if I can get your boss in bed for a night!
Crow: A plot ripped off from that Robert Redford movie... what was it called?
Tom: Indecent Proposal?
>Do you think your boss has time for coffee?
Crow: Do you want to turn her into too much coffee woman?
Tom: I wouldn’t take her to get coffee. She gets real edgy and mean when she’s drinking coffee.
>Mad Dog: Why not ask her?
Crow: [as Mad Dog] I’m not your flunky! You want her, go after her yourself!
>Tell her she’s got a client on the line, and he sounds like he’s big bucks.
Big John: [as Mad Dog] And if it works out, we’re going to have some money!
Crow: [as Mad Dog] And then you can pay me. You know, I feel like a Russian worker having to work without getting paid here!
>Culhane: Uh, Dakota...
Tom: You’ve got this piece of spinach stuck in your teeth.
Crow: You’ve got this piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe.
>Dakota: I heard him, Amos.
Mike: [coldly] I have higher standards than you, mister!
Big John: Well, you can always turn to me, babe!
>Mad Dog, put him on the speaker phone so I can finish this maneuver.
Crow: [as if on a bad speaker phone] Hello? ooo... can you hear me? eee. ...
Big John: [sings] I can hear you/ Just barely hear you/ I can just barely hear you...
Tom: Who was that?
Big John: They Might Be Giants. hey recorded the song on a gramophone at the Edison laboratories in New Jersey. It’s got all these hisses and pops in it...
>Hello, this is Dakota North, North security. What can I do for you?
Mike: [before Big John can speak] Don’t try this one.
Big John: Oh, come on, Mike, this one is begging for a sexually oriented riff.
Mike: I said don’t try it!
>Jacobsen: My name is Luke Jacobsen.
Crow: Call me Ishmael...
Mike: I thought the line was “I’m Batman.” - Oh wait, wrong comic book company. I’ll get it right eventually.
>I’m in on the fashion business.
Big John: And if you play your cards right, I’ll have a spot for you on a New York runway...
>Dakota: I’ve heard of you, Mr. Jacobsen.
Crow: And why you aren’t in jail for shamelessly exploiting kids in third world countries is beyond me!
Big John: Yea, and I’ve heard about your tryst with some underage models and Roman Polanski...
Mike: Big John!
>You swept last year’s Coty awards.
Crow: I know I was a janitor back then, but I assure you things have changed for me!
>Luke: Ms. North, you’ve got to help me.
Big John: I’m suffering from I.N.S.N.S.
Mike: I don’t want to know what that is...
Crow: I do! What is it?
Big John: I Need Sex Now Syndrome.
All but Big John: *GROAN*...
>I’ve been threatened in the most vicious manner.
Crow: Someone sent Lorena Bobbit, Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem to work for me! I can’t take this feminist rhetoric anymore!
Big John: The thing a woman wants most is to be herself. Allow her to do so.
Tom: You just espouse feminism because you think It will improve your chances of getting laid.
>Amos: Dakota, if I’m in the way here, I can leave.
Crow: And when your rich boy toy has left you, I’ll still be here for you...
>Dakota: No, Amos. You can stay.
Big John: [as Dakota] Because I like to watch a guy leering at me when I’m working out!
Mike: Not quite.
>Mr. Jacobsen, my services are expensive.
Big John: I imagine a babe like you would charge a lot for a night, right?
Mike: If you’re looking for sex from her, you’re bound to be disappointed.
>Luke: My showroom was vandalized.
Crow: I knew I shouldn’t have had my showroom in that low-rent district!
Tom: And next time, I’ll get one with burglar bars on it!
>With buyers coming in next week,
Tom: I need some live models to display my works until the mannequins come in from the People’s Democratic Republic of China!
Crow: And one of them is very partial to redheads, and he wants to see one of my fashions!
Big John: One thing I never understood, why do they call it the People’s Democratic Republic of China if it’s a communist dictatorship?
>My new line must be protected.
Tom: I can’t work without my cocaine! I need someone to protect my pusher!
Mike: Tom! Just say no, people!
>It’s worth whatever you might charge, Ms. North if --
Big John: You’ll take off all your clothes and -
Mike: Cut it out, Big John!
>Heavens! What’s that horrid noise?
Crow: It’s called Hanson...
Tom: I thought it was the Spice Girls...
Big John: No, No, It's Britney Spears!
>Dakota: Nothing to worry about your pretty head, Mr. Jacobsen.
Big John: I just offed an annoying street mime, that’s all.
>Give my secretary your address, and I’ll be right over.
Crow: 387 Park Ave. South, New York, New York 10016.
Big John: 777 Sports street, Dallas, Texas, 75201.
Mike: That’s Reunion Arena in Dallas!
Tom: Er... well, you go down that road for a spell, take a left at Sam’s place, then go around the block for awhile, then you turn right by the water tower...
>You get that, Mad Dog?
Crow: Ah! missed getting your clip!
>I think we’re going to get a big payday at last.
Crow: [as Mad Dog] Well, that’s what you said the last 249 other times.
Tom: [as Dakota] Well, #250 will be a charm, I know...
>How many weeks do I owe you?
Big John: Well, you can pay me with some other things, babe...
Mike: Do you take Discover?
>Only five, so far!
Big John: But I’m holding out for 10 so I can qualify to get you in bed!
Mike: Big John! That’s not funny!
Crow: So she can afford to have that shoot/don’t shoot scenario, bullets, that leather outfit, and the speakerphone, but she can’t afford to pay Mad Dog or her creditors...
>Amos: Look, Dakota, if there’s anything I can do for you, I’d consider it a privilege.
Tom: [as Dakota] How about giving me enough money to pay off my creditors?
>Dakota: I’m sure it’s nothing serious.
Big John: Ooh! That’s hitting below the belt!
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about!
>These fashion guys are afraid of their own shadows.
Crow: Either that or he’s hot for you.
>You just stay as cute as you are, Amos.
Big John: Cool! She’s not an ice queen after all.
Mike: But it sounds like she’s already with someone else...
>Catch you later, sweetie!
Mike: Still think I’m wrong?
Big John: Well, she just hasn’t met me yet...
>Amos (?): Did she just call me sweetie?
Tom: Yes, are you deaf or something?
Big John: He was just fantasizing about him and her having -
Mike: [interrupts] Don’t finish that sentence.
>Mad Dog (?): She sure did, you devil.
Crow: It’s Mephisto in disguise!
>Caption: Seventh Ave. is a state of mind and Luke Jacobsen’s showroom is in the thick of it.
Tom: Like Texas, it’s a state of mind.
Crow: Yea, a mind like the mind of Dilbert’s boss.
Big John: [sings] Fashion/ Turn to the left/ Fashion/ Turn to the right/ Ooh/ Fashion.
>Some guy: Now that’s what I call an entrance!
Crow: [as the owner] You’re getting mud all over the floor! Who told you that you could bring that in here?!
>Other man: I thought leather was last year’s look.
Big John: [as Dakota] I came straight here from my job as a dominatrix and I didn’t have time to change!
Mike: Big John! One more crack like that and I’m making you clean out the sanflac recyclers!
>Dakota: Mr. Jacobsen is expecting me.
Big John: We’re going to -
Mike: I don’t want to hear it.
>Man: My dear, you are quite late.
Crow: But it’s sooo in fashion to be late!
>We have no time for temperamental models today.
Tom: There’s no time for sergeants here!
Crow: [sings] Not time at all/ No time this time...
>Hurry up and get into this.
Big John: And just ignore that photographer taking pictures of you changing.
Mike: That’s it, you’re cleaning out the sanflac recyclers!
>Dakota: But...
Crow: This is yellow! Yellow makes me look bloated and sallow!
Tom: And this dress is way to big for me!
>Man: No smart talk, Honey.
Big John: Mr. Jacobsen wants all his stars to perform.
Mike: But not that way.
>What is the matter with these modeling agencies? They keep sending me cows to work with.
Tom: I specifically asked for a drag queen and they sent me a woman!
Crow: We only use the Kate Moss type.
>Dakota: Okay, sugar. But I never took a job with a dress code before.
Big John: These dress codes are so passé! I wanted to wear leather and lace, and they wouldn’t let me!
>Mr. Jacobsen does want to see me.
Crow: Looking like that, he’s bound to be disappointed.
Big John: Should have insisted on the leather.
>Man: Not looking like that he doesn’t.
Crow: [as the man] That dress looks like something my grandmother would wear! Get some leather on! Jacobsen likes leather!
>Can’t you do something about that make up, darling?
Crow: [as Dakota] But I have hypersensitive skin! I can’t use just any cosmetics!
Mike: I have a feeling they’re giving her this run around for a reason.
Tom: Mike, mike, mike... comic book plots are so easy to discern.
>Here, take this and see if you can even out those skin tones.
Tom: [as Dakota] Now I won’t get to sink my claws into Jacobsen because they’re giving me bad makeup! I’ll end up looking like a clown or something!
>Dakota’s thoughts: This is the heaviest makeup case.
Mike: Hands up those of you who think it isn’t makeup.
(Mike, Crow, and Big John raise their hands.)
Tom: [angry] In case you’ve forgotten, MY ARMS DON’T WORK!
Mike: Sorry, Tom.
>Cleo: I enjoy watching a man work to the best of his ability, Luke.
Crow: [as Cleo] Now, if you would just do that for me, you lazy slacker...
>Luke: Cleo, I must tell you again how thrilled I am
Big John: That we’re going to your place after work for some -
Mike: Big John! Stop the sex references!
>to be part of the Rycom corporate family.
Tom: Well, we don’t let just anyone in here. If you want to stay, you’re going to have to do grade A work, you slacker!
>If you, my dear Miss Vanderlip,
Crow: [as Luke] Would please put out that cigarette? I can’t stand smoking!
Mike: I could never understand why someone would want to use a product that slowly poisons him or her. I mean, people don’t go around eating lead, do they?
b>Tom: Only if they want to commit suicide.
>had not convinced this high-tech company to diversify into fashion, I’d have to keep my own books.
Tom: And I’m terrible at math!
Crow: Actually, we’re going to be experimenting in virtual reality suits. You put it on and you get the reactions of the program you’re running.
>I’m so happy
Big John: I can hardly contain myself!
Crow: Ah, a nice Ren & Stimpy reference.
>now that I can afford such nice fabrics to play with.
Tom: After all, there aren’t many models who like to wear burlap.
>Cleo: The pleasure is all ours, Luke darling.
Big John: Just keep bending over...
Mike: That’s it! You’re on micrometeorite patrol again.
>Dakota: I don’t think this is a makeup case.
Crow: Just because it has a fuse coming from it that’s lit... that doesn’t make it a bomb.
Tom: How is that lit fuse not burning her dress?
>Out of my way, toots.
Tom: Hey! That’s a new window! Someone’s going to have to pay for that!
>I’m Dakota North. Now can I see Mr. Jacobsen?
Tom: Oh my God! That was the McCormick residence! You killed Kenny!
Crow: Sorry, Mr. Jacobsen doesn’t see women who wear frumpy yellow dresses.
Mike: So why isn’t she going after the guy who gave her that bomb?
>Caption: Across town, in the best video arcade in the galaxy...
Mike: Even better than the one they have on Europa? They’ve got all the latest games...
>Ricky: I don’t want to go live with Dakota.
Crow: She’s a health food nut and she’d be shoving bean sprouts and tofu at me all the time!
Tom: I’d have to listen to her stories about the fashion industry, which are bor-ing!
>She’s boring.
Tom: Just because she got a second job as a driller doesn’t mean she’s a bad woman!
>She’s no fun. All she does is work, dad.
Crow: It’s hard to have fun when men are drooling over you all the time!
>She doesn’t even go to the movies.
Big John: These days, I can understand.
Crow: Except for the Phantom Menace, there hasn’t been a good movie in theaters in quite awhile. I mean, look at what we’ve got now. Big Daddy, High Octane, Baby Geniuses, and the like... it’s gonna keep us busy at the SOL for a good, long time.
>Mr. North: That’s too bad, Ricky. But that’s how it has to be.
Big John: You’re holding me back! Babes don’t want a man in a mid-life crisis with some punk kid! They want a hot hunk with lots of money! I’ve got money, so you’ve got to go!
>I’m involved with some business of my own at the moment and there’s no room for a boy.
Big John: So what’s her name?
Mike: I give up. I’ve made you do everything terrible I can on this satellite and still you won’t stop with the sex. You’re utterly hopeless.
Big John: I’m not bad, I’m just programmed that way.
>Ricky: But S.J., Dakota hates me almost as much as she hates you.
Tom: Dakota never was too big on her family. Then again, we make the Summers’ clan look like the Brady Bunch...
>S.J.: Listen youngster,
Crow: [as the Grumpy Old Man from Saturday Night Live] In my day we didn’t have these fancy single action pistols! In my day we had to front load the gun, strike a match and light it on a wick, then aim and fire! And it was slow, and the enemy had a knife, and he would have ran you through by the time you got your powder horn open...
>Dakota is your sister, and she’ll be glad to have you.
Big John: [before Mike can cut in] Incest? That’s disgusting.
Mike: Big John! One more word out of you and I’m taping your optical sensors!
>All women want children, it’s part of the grand design.
Crow: Funny, I’ve heard several women say that they didn’t want children.
Tom: Mary Richards didn’t even want a husband. She’s been a role model for over 20 years now.
>Excuse me a second.
Crow: I’ve got a street punk I want to off here...
>Get lost before I change your channel, punk.
Tom: And I’m going to stick it on the classical music station!
>Ricky: You really want me to go, don’t you?
Tom: Yes, now take a hike!
Crow: I’m sick and tired of your whining.
>S.J.: It’s the only feasible option.
Crow: [as Captain Picard] Everyone, I need more options! There’s got to be another way!
Tom: [as Scottie] I’m sorry Captain, there isnae other way. We’re going ta have ta shoot this one down with insults!
>Ricky: Look, I tell you what, pops. You make it worth my while, and I’ll go.
Tom: How about I not take this gun and blow your brains out?
Crow: How about I not take this gun and hit you in the head with it, you obnoxious punk kid?
>S.J.: How does $200 a week sound, kid?
Crow: [sings] Money talks/ but it don’t sing and dance/ And it don’t walk...
Tom: How in the world can you live in New York for $200 a week?
Crow: Well, the story is over 10 years old...
Big John: Let’s see here... I can buy a hooker or two at Times Square for that... all right, I’m in.
Mike: Big John!
>Ricky: Very worthwhile, S.J., very worthwhile.
Tom: [as Ricky] But I take cash only!
>Voice: The last few months have been ghastly, Dakota.
Tom: First we ran out of silk, then we ran out of chiffon! I pray that the cotton holds out!
Big John: Then we ran out of condoms!
Mike: Big John! One more crack and I’m taping up your optical sensors.
>Luke: Ever since Rycom bought my company, I’ve received dreadfully nasty letters and phone calls.
Crow: Does Prince Albert really come in a can?
Tom: They ask me if my refrigerator is running, then they tell me I should go out and catch it!
>I didn’t think much about it at first.
Tom: After all, this is the Marvel universe, you’re not supposed to think about things here...
>except that it upset Anna, my assistant.
Big John: [sings] Ana Ng and I are getting old/ And we still haven’t walked in the glow of each other’s majestic presence/ Listen Ana hear my words/ There the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you.
>But then someone threw a stinkbomb into my office the day womans wear was to interview us.
Tom: Man, those critics get more violent every day with their visual aids!
Crow: [as Dakota] Eugh! Kissing a smoker is like licking a used ashtray.
>After that incident,
Tom: My people suddenly up and quit! I think it has something to do with this story, don’t you?
>Cleo Vanderlip suggested I call you.
Crow: She’s the bad woman of this story, so naturally she’d suggest someone who was incompetent....
>She said that she had known your father years ago
Big John: And may actually be your mother!
Mike: Not quite.
>and had followed your career with great interest.
Crow: [as Cleo] You shouldn’t have given up being a model, Dakota! You could have been the next Cindy Crawford with the right management!
>She thought you’d be the perfect one to protect me
Crow: So I want you around me 24 hours a day. It’ll be just like Pretty Woman!
>-- and my clothes, of course.
Big John: [as Dakota] Well, I usually don’t do that on a first date...
Mike: [coldly] But I’ll go Dutch.
Big John: Spoilsport.
>I’m so thrilled that I listened to her, Dakota.
Big John: And I’m hoping you’ll thrill me in other ways, too!
Mike: O.k., that does it!
(Mike puts duct tape over Big John’s optical sensors.)
Big John: Censorship sucks.
>Man: Yea, I heard everything.
Tom: I know what you did last summer...
Crow: [sinisterly] So what’s your favorite horror film?
>Don’t worry, they don’t suspect a thing. Neither of them.
Crow: [as Inspector Clouseau] I suspect everything, and nothing.
>You won’t forget my retainer, will you, Ms. Vanderlip?
Crow: I finally got my braces off after 15 years and I need it to keep my smile from going all crooked again!
>Guard: Say, you got paper for that iron?
Crow: [sings] Like paper in fire...
Tom: Now, let’s see here, where did I put that thing... man, I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached!
>Man: I hate modern art.
Crow: Especially this stuff that looks like comic books.
Tom: I’m sure after hitting that guard into it, that painting isn’t too fond of your either...
>Caption: The Rycom building on a very expensive corner of Park Ave.
Tom: Ah, sentence fragments. Don’t you. Hate sentence fragments?
>Voice: Ms. Vanderlip is waiting in her office, Anna.
Tom: And she’s been waiting for over two hours now! Where is that Prima Donna anyway?
Crow: What do you think this is, that GM Goodwrench Service Plus?
>Cleo: Yes, accounting?
Crow: [as Cleo] Cut the budget on that Jacobsen fellow! He’s been wasting my money by having his fashions photographed in exotic places! As far as I’m concerned, he can rent a cheap studio in the seedy part of town and use a fake backdrop! The stockholders are whining about their profits!
>Mr. Otto Shanks completed some work for me, please draw him a check for $50,000.00...
Crow: [as Cleo] And then give him the drawing. Make sure it looks like a 3 year old drew it. I don’t want him to touch my money, however....
>You may be seated, Anna.
Tom: Oh, thank you. This seat will look perfect in the corner of my study...
Crow: Hey Cleo, what do you think about the people who like this comic book?
>They are fools, Anna.
Big John: I guess that answers that question.
>Anna: Does Otto suspect you, Ms. Vanderlip?
Crow: Of course not. Otto’s as bright as a two-watt light bulb, he couldn’t suspect a thing.
Big John: My lover and I were very discreet that night, and I offed him later so he wouldn’t talk!
Mike: Big John!
>Cleo: Otto suspects nothing but checks, Miss Stasio.
Crow: Why do you have all these $300 checks written out to “Mikey’s happy massage parlor?”
(Not amused, Mike hits Crow on the beak.) Crow: Ow!
>As long as he’s paid in cash, he trusts me totally.
Tom: Thanks to my latest evil creation, money that has a chemical on it that makes people obey me completely!
>As does the adorable Luke Jacobsen.
Crow: Now, be sure to put in a good word for me!
>Your boss, my dear, is so pleased with me that he doesn’t suspect that he’s just a pawn in my game.
Crow: [sinisterly] And by the time he realizes what’s going on, it will be too late!
>There has been so much speculation in Rycom
Crow: About who’s sleeping with whom! My money says Jackson over in Human Resources was the one that got Lincoln pregnant. What do you think?
Mike: I think that was highly uncalled for, Crow.
Big John: You make me proud, Crow.
>stock since we acquired him that ruining his business will destroy the entire conglomerate.
Crow: I told you investing in leisure suits was a dumb idea, but did you listen to me? Noooo...
Tom: And then you had to go and invest in Yugo cars, and we all know how well that turned out...
>We will then own it all.
Tom: But first I have to get rid of my main competitor - Bill Gates!
>Then we will have the money and the power to accomplish our true ends.
Tom: Quashing all decent music with bands like the Spice Girls, Brittany Spears and Hanson!
Mike: Looks like they’re half way there already.
>It will be too, too thrilling for you to be a part of, my dear.
Crow: After all, I can always use a scapegoat.
Tom: Man, Anna looks so thrilled to be in that shot, doesn’t she?
>And in the process I’ll be able to trample on one Samuel James North and his insipid young daughter.
Crow: That’ll teach him for spurning me 20 years ago for that redheaded hussy!
>It’s so convenient to have the compliant Mr. Jacobsen on call.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Crow: I’m not touching it with a 10 foot pole.
Big John: What did it say? What did it say?
Mike: >You’re better off not knowing.
>Caption: Back at Dakota’s office...
Crow: The creditors lined up outside are getting surly. They want their money now!
Tom: [as in the movie] Money, I’m going to get it one way or another...
>Dakota: Mad Dog, I smell money in this case.
Crow: After all, my second X chromosome permits me to sniff out money. It’s inherent in all women.
>You wouldn’t believe what Luke Jacobsen spends on dinner.
Tom: He goes to McDonalds so he won’t have to tip waiters! I’ve never met such a cheap man in my life!
>Amos: Mad dog went home, Dakota.
Tom: Since you haven’t paid him in so long, he decided to quit!
>He said I could wait for you. I need a few questions answered
Tom: How do you get your hair so shiny? Mine never shines no matter what I do to it.
Crow: Where were you on the night of June 31st? We’ve got witnesses who say you were at that house a few minutes before it went off....
Big John: So, are you doing anything tonight, babe? I’ve got two tickets to paradise for both of us...
Mike: Big John, cut the sex references!
Big John: You can take away my sight, but sex is forever. Without sex, there wouldn’t be another generation. Women wouldn’t want artificial insemination since it takes the fun out of it all.
>about that bomb or the captain will have my neck.
Crow: It looks like he already has your neck, Amos.
Tom: Alas, Amos caught Quasimodo syndrome, and could not win the woman over!
>Dakota: For you, Amos, anything.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Crow: Good thing Big John’s optical sensors are taped up. He’d really dig into that one.
Big John: Man, a cool line and I can’t see it! This is a real bummer.
Mike: You only have yourself to blame.
>But let’s go upstairs to my place. I’m dying for some coffee.
Tom: She’s a Java junkie! I’ll bet right now she’s working in a Starbucks somewhere...
>Amos: Great. I’ve always wondered what it was like up here.
Crow: She’s leading him into her place...
Mike: Oh God no. Big John, Don’t try it!
Big John: Come on Mike. I’m going to do it. Lucky dog! Go for her, dude! Bang the babe!
Mike: [to Crow] Look at what you did! That was utterly inappropriate!
>Dakota: So Luke’s a nice guy at heart,
Tom: But I can never get past his bad breath!
Crow: And those white suits he wears are so 1981!
>But he’s such a flake.
Crow: All that dandruff he has is utterly horrible! I’m giving him a bottle of head and shoulders next time I see him.
>He couldn’t take charge of a scene if his life depended on it.
Tom: And I hate to be the henpecking wife!
Big John: And I don’t want to constantly be on top!
Mike: That’s it! I’m making you stay outside of the SOL for an hour after this fanfic is over!
>I’m afraid it might.
Crow: Let’s not touch this one either.
>Amos: Do you think --
Tom: This is Marvel comics! You’re not supposed to think.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots relaxing.)
Crow: Ah, finally a break from this. You know, it’s a wonder that Marvel hasn’t completely sunk into bankruptcy yet with stories like this.
Tom: Well, somewhere they do have good stories.
Big John: It’s call the older comic book bins. Even the stuff the great past writers do now is subject to ridicule! There’s really only two or three good writers working for Marvel these days. Kurt Busiek is doing two series at once, Claremont’s having a hit-and-miss time over in Fantastic Four, and Alan Davis’ work over in the X-Men is really going down of late.
Magic Voice: Commercial light in 15 seconds.
Crow: I thought the magic voice was broken.
Big John: I fixed it.
(Commercials. It’s the standard fare that insults your intelligence to sell their products. When we come back, SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are having a fashion show.)
Tom: Up first is Mike Nelson, who sports a lovely jumpsuit that’s his usual attire.
(Mike acts as if he’s going down a catwalk, showing off the jumpsuit he usually wears.)
Tom: Very lovely, Mike.
(Mike exits.)
Tom: Up next we have Crow T. Robot, sporting the latest robot fashion accessories. Here he has the exquisite attachments for 3000.
(Crow enters, wearing a bunch of randomly thrown together items.)
Tom: Just look at him... he’s the envy of all cobbled-together robots everywhere...
(The screen comes to life, showing Pearl there. Big John enters, wearing a pair of tight swimtrunks. He now has the tape removed from his optical sensors.)
Pearl: What are you doing!?
Tom: We’re having a fashion show in honor of the comic book you’ve sent us.
Pearl: You should be in there reading that comic book and going insane!
(Enter Mike.)
Mike: I heard a loud, toxic voice... must be Pearl again...
Pearl: Shut up!
(Pearl looks around, and finds the comic book switch, which is turned off.)
Pearl: Bobo you idiot! You turned the comic book program off! That’s it! I’m docking you this week’s pay!
(Pearl flips the comic book switch, and the light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit down.)
>Ricky: Dad says I have to live with you now.
Crow: Ergh. Curse that old man for constantly shoveling you on me!
Tom: He looks like he’s in one of those early 1980’s English reggae or ska bands.
>Dakota: But...
Big John: I was in the middle of a hot date! I’m gonna kill you for ruining it!
>Ricky: You call this a refrigerator?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump] Certainly looks like one to me.
Tom: Then again, it could be an alien Skrull.
>You get cable this far down-town?
Crow: [as DN] Sure, we have plenty of cables... which one would you like me to hang you with?
Big John: You know, coming into a babe’s apartment, criticizing what she buys, and getting her riled like that isn’t going to get you in favor with them. They have a network in which they find out about someone before they date him, and if the word is bad, you might as well resign yourself to reading Playboy for the rest of your life.
>Dakota: What do you think you’re doing?
Crow: And why has your hair suddenly turned blonde?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump again] Looks like he’s opening a can of soda...
>You can’t stay here!
Big John: I can’t have hot hunks over to my place with you here! Having a teenage kid here is hunk repellant!
>Do you hear me, Ricky?
Tom: Apparently, he’s ignoring you, just like we should be.
>I don’t have any room for a twelve-year-old boy.
Crow: [as Ricky] Ah, don’t worry, sis. I’ll improvise something.
>Amos: I’d better go.
Tom: My jacket is starting to fall off!
Big John: But I wouldn’t mind seeing more of you, Dakota.
>Dakota: Don’t be silly.
Crow: This is Marvel.
Tom: It’s silly no matter what you do.
>I’ll have him out right away.
Tom: Get out of my place, you filthy brat! There’s a bed at the homeless shelter with your name on it!
>Amos: I don’t think so, Dakota.
Tom: I don’t date women who suddenly turn black for no apparent reason!
>Ricky looks as stubborn as your old man.
Crow: It’s a family trait.
>g’night.
Big John: [as Dakota] I finally get a hunk in my place only to loose him to my bratty brother, and I’m supposed to have a good night?
>Ricky: Who’s the snappy dresser?
Tom: I’ll show you snappy you little brat! Come here so I can snap your neck!
>Dakota: Ricky!
Crow: [as Lucy] I wanna be in your show!
Big John: [as Dakota] It’s bad enough a hot hunk walked out on me, now you’ve given me a bad hair day!
>Caption: The next morning, Dakota plays girl reporter to interview lavish dress designer Kirsch at his showroom...
Tom: [as Kirsch] You don’t know what I go through every day, Miss. This place is a three-ring circus!
Crow: Is that Obnoxio the Clown’s good twin brother there?
>Dakota: Mr. Kirsch?
>Kirsch: Not Mr. Kirsch, honey.
Crow: I’m in the witness protection program. You don’t know me.
>Just Kirsch. I had it legally changed.
Tom: Because people kept making fun of my first name, Sheldon!
>Dakota: Yes, sir. I’m a reporter for the style section of the Paramus weekly Gazette.
Crow: A New Jersey fashion magazine? And I thought Batman: The musical was the second sign of the Apocalypse...
>I was hoping I could ask you a few questions.
Crow: How did you get your hair so shiny?
Tom: Isn’t it true that you force 5 year old children in third world countries to work for you?
Big John: Isn’t it true that you force your models to sleep with you before hiring them?
Mike: That was uncalled for, Big John.
>Kirsch: Certainly my dear, ask away.
>Dakota: About your rivalry with Luke Jacobsen -- is there really a blood feud between the two of you like everyone says?
Tom: [as Kirsch] You bet there is! He stuck a bunch of pins in my mouth, and I can’t remove them!
Crow: [angered, as Kirsch] Never mention that hussy’s name in my presence again!
Big John: He couldn’t make fashions for a Barbie doll! And not only that, he was terrible in bed!
Mike: That’s uncalled for, Big John.
Crow: Hey Kirsch, what do you think of the storyline so far?
>Kirsch: Nonsense.
Big John: Looks like you got your question answered.
>That’s a story for the papers.
Crow: Those tabloids will make up anything to sell their rags! Frankly, those things aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on!
>Our clothes are different.
Tom: Yea, we never mix brown and yellow!
>My customer is more mature, more affluent,
Tom: Because I gouge my customer more than he does!
>more sophisticated.
Crow: Now, let’s see about getting you out of that frumpy dress and into something more pleasant! You need a fashion makeover, madam.
>Actually, I hope that Mr. Jacobsen succeeds.
Tom: In his quests to commit suicide!
>That’s free publicity for me,
Crow: And as Samuel J. Goldwyn said: “There is no such thing as bad publicity!”
>As long as people believe the rumors.
Tom: Oh, so you’re advertising via him to save a little money, hmm? What’s the matter, are those 5 year olds in third world countries asking for a raise to the equivalent of 25 cents a week?
>Dakota: But wasn’t Rycom going to buy your business before they decided on Luke?
Crow: That’s not any of your beeswax, bimbo!
>Wouldn’t you profit from his failure?
(The bots make cat hissing and screeching noises.)
Tom: You’re getting too nosey! Rocco, off this woman in the frumpy dress!
>Kirsch: Now my dear, I know every fashion writer in the tri-state area and you aren’t one of them. What do you really want?
Big John: World peace, and end to poverty, but I’ll settle for a hot redheaded babe, just like Dakota there.
Mike: That’s not what he’s talking about.
>Tell me!
Big John: [sings] Tell me/ Tell me/ Why should I refine? Are you going to find a love that’s/ Truer than mine.. .
Tom: [sings] Tell me/ Do you love me? Do you love me? Now/ That I can dance - watch me now!
Mike: [sings] Does your chewing gum loose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
>Who are you?
Mike: I’m Batgirl!
Tom: It’s still the wrong comic book company, Mike.
>Who sent you?
Crow: We come in peace, earthling!
>What are you trying to do to me?
Tom: I was hoping you would go out with me, but I see that you’re not interested...
Big John: Although I think you’re out of your mind not wanting a babe like that.
Crow: Must be gay.
>Did that Vanderlip woman send you to drive me crazy?
Crow: Hey, If you’re going to hurt her, do it right! Take advantage of her first!
Mike: Crow!
Big John: I agree, it’s always more better when she’s willing...
Mike: Big John!
>Dakota: Listen, mister...
Big John: This is definitely not the way to pick up babes!
Mike: Big John, one more crack out of you and I’m taping your optical sensors again!
>I don’t waste my time working on a job...
Crow: That’s utterly hopeless! You’ve gotten really dumb of late!
>That someone else already finished.
Tom: [as the knife thrower] Missed me/ Missed me/ Now you got to kiss me!
Big John: I wouldn’t mind kissing her!
>See you later, toots. It’s been real.
Crow: Really boring, you mean...
Tom: Oh look, it’s the monopoly man! He’s there for no apparent reason.
>Kirsch: Everything is going exactly as planned, sweetest Cleo.
Big John: And remember, you promised me -
Mike: [interrupts] a lot of money if we succeed.
Big John: You really know how to kill a good riff.
>Cleo: Yes, I think we can go onto the next phase.
Tom: Which consists of offing you, Kirsch! Men, kill him!
>Caption: The next morning at Rycom...
>Voice: I talked to that guy, Kirsch yesterday.
Tom: And I must say I’ve never met anyone so paranoid in my life!
Crow: And he was constantly undressing me with his eyes!
Mike: [to Big John] That’s it! I don’t want you talking to Crow anymore.
Big John: Oh, sure, blame me. He was like that before I met him.
Crow: He’s right, you know.
Mike: Don’t encourage him!
>He’s wacko, but I think he’s harmless.
Tom: Of course he is, I had him offed last night.
>Cleo: What will you do next, my dear?
Crow: Well, I’ve got a hot date with that detective tonight...
>Dakota: This morning, my people installed an alarm in the showroom.
Tom: Although why there wasn’t one there to begin with is beyond me. In fact, my man told me that it look like there was one, but it was very suspiciously removed.
>Any attack will set off an alarm in my office. With Luke in my custody,
Big John: We’re gonna have one wild party!
Mike: Not quite.
>we should be all set until next week’s show.
Big John: [sings] Show me the love! Show me the light/ Show me what it is your feeling/ Here tonight...
Crow: [as if in Jerry McGuire] Show me the money!
>What’s the meaning of this?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump] Looks like they want to kill you.
Crow: [as Dakota] I told those men not to attack until I had left!
>Luke: Dakota! Help! They’re hurting me!
Crow: And they’re rumpling my suit too!
>Thug: Forget the broad!
Big John: She’s already dating someone else!
Crow: Our boss only wants the guy!
>Shove goldilocks in the elevator and ride!
Big John: [sings] All my friends/ dig lowriding...
Crow: The slavers pay top dollar for someone who’s naturally blonde!
Mike: That was uncalled for. I’m going to turn you off if you keep that up, Crow.
>This job
Tom: Sucks.
Crow: That’s why it’s called a job, Tom.
>is a cinch.
Crow: We’ve thrown him into a hefty cinch sack!
>When we get paid, I’ve got to pay that insurance premium.
Tom: [as an insurance agent] I’m sorry, Ms. North, but due to your lack of payments, your policy has been cancelled. We’ll be happy to start you up a new one, you’ll just need a new down payment of $50,000....
>Lucky for me Luke’s office is a modern building. That elevator is the slowest.
Crow: Actually, it’s a lot faster than the escalators.
>NO!
Tom: This script stinks! I want something better!
>They can’t get away!
Big John: I got news for you, babe...
>Thug: Hey! The leather chick got on a bike and she’s coming after us!
Crow: [as random thug] I told you we should have offed her back there, but would you listen to me? Noooo...
Big John: But we’ve got too much violence against women today! I say love ‘em, don’t hurt ‘em.
>Thug: No problem.
Tom: Don’t worry, I stuffed a potato in her exhaust pipe.
>Check this out.
Crow: I’ve been working out a lot and my muscles are going to send her into a swoon!
>She’ll never follow us up here.
Big John: [sings] I’m sorry but this area that you’re entering is restricted...
Crow: Don’t forget to close the door!
>Some other time, sweetheart!
Big John: Well, since he was a disappointment, how about turning to me, babe!
>Dakota’s thoughts: They say it’s like no other store in the world.
Crow: Of course. Other stores don’t want you driving a motorcycle into their stores.
Tom: I sure hope whoever actually owns that motorcycle doesn’t expect it back...
>I guess it’s true...
Crow: Diet Dr. Pepper does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper.
Tom: Luke’s really a tightwad!
>Woman: I didn’t know Bleumies sold motorcycles.
Tom: Well, it’s kind of an experiment here. We’re marketing gold-plated motorcycles!
>Woman’s thoughts: I wonder if I could get Agnes to wear something like that.
Big John: A sixty-something woman wearing leather? Eugh!
>Someone: What’s going on?
Tom: You don’t want to know...
Crow: There’s this crazy woman riding a motorcycle through the store! Security! Security!
>Someone else: They don’t do this in the store in New Jersey.
Crow: And the reason why is obvious.
>Dakota: Hey, sweetheart!
Crow: Isn’t it nice to know that everyone loves each other so much in this story?
>Come on back! There’s no time like the present!
Big John: Hey babe, I’m available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year!
Mike: That’s it. You’re doing all the chores around her except flying the satellite for the week.
>Someone: Ooo! This is so exciting!
Tom: This person must think that grass growing is exciting too.
>Someone (else?): Isn’t that Meryl Streep?
Mike: I thought Meryl Streep was a thin blonde woman.
Bots: So did we.
Crow: They must need an eye exam.
>Thug: Out of my way, jerk!
Tom: [snooty accent] Oh, now this is totally rude! Security! Security! I say, where are those security people when you need them?
>Someone: Look!
Big John: Ha! Made you look!
>It’s Luke Jacobsen! I bet he’s filming a jeans commercial.
Mike: So why is nobody around him wearing blue jeans?
Tom: Well, you know these new blue jeans ads - none of them make sense anyway.
Big John: And everyone in them looks like their favorite pet just died. I don’t know about you, but I was taught if you want to sell products, you should show people being happy with it.
>Dakota’s thoughts: I have to be careful. If I hit the wrong person, I could be sued.
Tom: And if I hit Luke, I can kiss any bonuses goodbye!
Big John: You’re more worried about being sued than carted off to jail for murder? I think you need to think some more about that, babe!
>Woman: Is that a Claude Montana jumpsuit?
Crow: Actually, it’s by Dickies. You know that’s a fashion statement now and days.
Tom: Some people will try anything to make a bold fashion statement. I suppose next it’s going to be Bermuda shorts with v-necked sweaters.
>Woman: What does it matter?
Tom: [as a pretentiously angst-ridden teen] We’re all going to die someday, then what? I’m going to be old and gray someday, and then there’s school...
Big John: Stop it you’re making me depressed.
>With my hips, I could never wear it.
Crow: Two words for you Ms. : Thigh master!
>Dakota’s thoughts: Maybe they know cheaper lawyers than I do. They don’t seem to fear lawsuits.
Crow: Sue a beggar, get a louse.
Mike: Read a Hama comic book, get brain dead.
Tom: Ah, lawyers are always expensive. It’s just that they have the mob backing them.
Big John: [sings] Wanna see them explode/ In every zip code! Destroy all lawyers/ A bunch of evil people horny toads/ Destroy all lawyers!
>Thug: This isn’t worth it.
Crow: I just found out they don’t have on-site day care facilities!
Tom: I found out that they don’t have medical and dental!
>Let’s get out of here.
Big John: I see a way out of this story! Let’s take it before it’s too late!
Mike: I think it’s too late to save this story.
>Woman: That was okay.
Crow: But Jacobsen, don’t quit your day job! That was terrible acting!
>But you should have seen Linda Evans last month.
Big John: She was wearing a dress that was so 1974!
Crow: She went around with a piece of spinach stuck in her teeth!
>Dakota: Luke! Are you okay?
Big John: It’s nothing a roll in the hay with a hot babe like you couldn’t fix.
Mike: *Sigh*...
>Luke: Dakota, you were absolutely mythic.
Big John: [as Luke]Come, run away with me, we’ll settle down in the suburbs, have the 2.5 kids, and have great parties every night!
Mike: [as Dakota] Sorry, I’m already dating a really cute detective.
Tom: O.k. you two, break it up. Security is here now.
Crow: Oh, sure, now you arrive.
>Caption: Later, at home...
Tom: [sings] Hey ma, I wanna go home....
>Dakota: Hey, Ricky, wait ‘til you hear what happened to me!
Tom: I finally ran into some money! Now I can pay off all those dang creditors!
Crow: I got this lovely outfit at Bleumies when nobody was looking, and I’m sure that Detective Amos is bound to swoon over it!
Big John: You’re going to be an uncle in a few months!
Mike: Not quite.
>Ricky: I thought it was going to be a drag living with you, Dakota, but it’s great. You’re never here.
Crow: [as Dakota] Ohmygawd what are you doing I just had that floor waxed!
Tom: [as Dakota] Brother or not I won’t have my place looking like a pigsty now you clean that up!
>Caption: Some people choose to be parents. Others have children thrust upon them.
Big John: Usually after a night of wild partying and heavy drinking. In the morning they wake up next to some ugly member of the opposite sex thinking: “Oh my God! What have I done!”
Mike: Big John, one more remark out of you and I’m taping up your optical sensors.
>Dakota: Look, if you live here
Tom: [as Dakota]You’re going to have to earn your keep, mister! There’s a nice vacuum cleaner with your name on it in the closet!
Crow: And the windows need cleaning too!
Big John: [as Ricky] I don’t do windows. I’m a DOS only kind of guy.
>you have to learn to take care of yourself.
Crow: [as Dakota]Now get over to that closet and vacuum up this mess!
Tom: [as Ricky] But I don’t want to ruin my image as a slacker!
>Here, try this...
Tom: Uhn... shouldn’t have eaten that ice cream so fast... now I’ve got a massive ice cream headache...
Crow: Smack! Smack! He should get a good swatting or two.
Big John: [sings] Beat on that brat/ Beat on that brat/ Beat on that brat/ With a baseball bat/ Oh yea...
>Ricky: Wha?
Tom: [as Ricky] Dakota, I don’t do cleaning!
>Dakota: So how’s the old man?
Crow: [as DN]Is he 6 feet under yet? How would you like to join him?
>What’s he doing?
Tom: [As DN] That’s so important he had to shove your sorry butt onto me!?
>Ricky: I don’t know.
Crow: Well, go out there and find out, and don’t come back until you do!
Big John: A bit like the guy who called suicide prevention, and they told him not to call back until he had done it.
>I think he’s reliving the war.
Big John: [as Ricky] He keeps mumbling something about a geisha in Tokyo...
Mike: I’m not warning you again, Big John.
>He’s on the phone all the time.
Big John: Calling up those 1-900 sex numbers -
Mike: [interrupts] All right, that does it.
(Mike puts duct tape over Big John’s eyes.)
Big John: You can take away my sight, but you can’t hide the truth! People love my sexually oriented riffs!
>real secretive. Then he kicks me out.
Crow: He thinks he’s James Bond again.
Tom: Have you been withholding his Ritalin again?
>Dakota: That’s the alarm we put in Luke’s showroom!
Crow: Eugh... sis, if you had to slam me into the floor, did you have to do it so that I landed right on my drink? Now I’ve got a soaking wet butt...
Mike: Crow!
>Gotta run! Lesson number two is dishwashing...
Tom: And lesson #3 is dusting, lesson #4 is vacuuming, and lesson #5 is how to bathe the dog...
>Ricky: Don’t hurry on my account, sis.
Crow: [as Ricky] Uhn! Bloating! Cramps! indigestion!
>Caption: Later at Luke’s...
Crow: [As Anna] Gee Dakota, you just missed one wild party here...
>Dakota: Lighten up, Anna.
Crow: Yea, you look like you could loose some weight...
Big John: She’s a quantum leap saleswoman! Run for your life!
(The projector suddenly breaks down, and then the lights come up, and the doors open.)
Crow: Ooh, projector breakdown... well, I guess we can’t see the rest of this one...
(Door sequence, bridge. Mike and the bots are standing around. Big John has removed the tape from his optical sensors.)
Mike: Well now, where were we?
Tom: We were in the middle of the fashion show.
(The screen comes to life, and shows Pearl there.)
Pearl: Nelson!!
Mike: Yes your royal whininess?
Pearl: The problem is up on the satellite. Fix it at once!
Mike: You really want me to fix a problem that, in fixing it, will let you torture and abuse me even more?
(Pearl grabs the oxygen switch.)
Pearl: Do it or I shut off the oxygen recyclers!
(She flips the switch for a few seconds, in which Mike grabs his throat, gasping for breath.)
Mike: All right... all right... I’ll do it...
Tom: We’ll be back right after this commercial.
(Commercials. Again we have the standard fare that insults your intelligence while making you think you need something you really don’t. When we come back, SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are seen repairing a projector.)
Mike: It’s hopeless, guys. The thing’s broken for good.
Big John: Pearl’s not going to like this one bit...
(The screen comes to life, and shows Pearl there.)
Pearl: Well, you waste of DNA, did you get that projector working yet?
Mike: It’s a lost cause, Pearl. The motor’s shot, the belts are broken, and the light’s busted. I’m afraid I can’t fix it.
(Pearl grits her teeth at Mike.)
Pearl: Well, I have thought of this one.... Observer, teleport it over!
(Suddenly a new projector appears in the SOL bridge.)
Pearl: Now go install it! No excuses this time!
(Mike reluctantly takes the projector to the theater, and with the bots, installs it.)
Pearl: That’s better. Now, we return to one of the worst stories by Marvel.. Dakota North #1!
(Pearl takes the comic book switch, and turns it on. The comic book light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got comic book sign!
(Mike and the bots sit in their seats.)
>Lighten up, Anna. Sometimes I don’t pick up my clothes. No big deal.
Big John: [as Anna] But how can I catch a bohunk when the room looks like this? They don’t want slobs!
>Anna: It was dreadful, Ms. North.
All: We can say the same thing about this comic book!
Tom: [as Anna] I caught a glimpse of the future, and I saw some guy writing a comic book called Generation X #42! Oh, the horror, the horror...
>I was working late, alone, and I heard noises.
Tom: [as Anna] That’s the last time I stay late in a rat infested building!
Crow: Say Anna, what do you think of this script?
>Horrid
Big John: Guess that answers that one.
>thugs were scampering about, ruining all our work.
Crow: It was the editor! I know it!
>I hid behind a curtain so they wouldn’t see me.
Crow: Funny, that window back there doesn’t look like it has a curtain on it...
>A German man they called Otto Shanks was in charge.
Crow: It’s Otto Shanks: MTV video analyst. He just saw the new video from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
>He told them to get
Big John: As many babes as possible so he could get -
Mike: Big John!
Big John: Precisely.
>the papers and they’d meet him at the warehouse at West and Christopher.
Tom: [sings to the William Tell Overture] It’s a trap/ It’s a trap/ It’s a trap, trap trap
Crow: I’ll bet a lube job she falls for it.
>Dakota: Otto Shanks?
Tom: MTV’s video analyst.
>My dad talks about him.
Crow: [as Dakota] He told me the guy was a tightwad and a horrible dresser! He still wears those ridiculously wide short ties from the early 1970’s!
>What’s he doing in New York?
Crow: [as Dakota] The mob’s looking for him too. Seems he conned some Mafia bigwig into investing in leisure suits in 1982...
>I think I’ll go downtown and find out.
>Luke: I going with you, Dakota.
Tom: Apparently, he didn’t learn his lesson from when the thugs kidnapped him...
>Dakota: Okay, Luke, but only if you obey my directions.
Tom: Now, let’s see here... go down the road about a mile or two, find yourself a church and then make a left, and go to Slappy’s joint, and turn right, then meander around for awhile until you find the place.
Crow: The directions say add 1 cup water to three cups flower, stir in 2 eggs beaten, add some sugar, vanilla extract, and stir.
Big John I’m the dominatrix around here. Now lick my boots!
Mike: Big John! that was disgusting!
>Luke: It’s what I dream of, my dear.
Big John: Methinks Luke the spook here is getting the urge to merge with Dakota...
Crow: Can’t say that I blame him...
Mike: Cease this line of reasoning immediately.
>Anna’s thoughts: Good, they’re leaving.
Crow: Now I can resume my tunnel digging and get out of this fan fic!
>I’ll call Cleo and tell her they’re on their way.
Tom: [sings] Oh, we’re off to see the wizard/ The wonderful wizard of Oz.
>Caption: At the docks.
Tom: A boat was docking.
Big John: And a bunch of lonely ladies were anxiously awaiting the return of their sailors. They saw the mast in the harbor, and they longed to feel the sailor’s masts rising.
Mike: GROAN...
>Luke (?): But Dakota,
Big John: I promise I’ll respect you in the morning.
Mike: Not quite.
>I have a right to go in with you.
Tom: You’ve got the right to speak your mind, but not if you’re fool enough to use it.
Crow: You really want to go into this trap with her? Are you suicidal or something?
Big John: [as Luke] I’d follow my Dakota anywhere!
>It’s my work they destroyed.
Tom: Just like when the Commission on Superhuman activities did a MiSTing on that good Quamp story, right?
Crow: I hated that. First of all, they didn’t get Quamp’s permission to do it, then they gave him a MiSTing that was even worse than what they do!
Big John: So we’re going to end up MiSTing the MiSTing!
>Dakota: And my work is to protect you.
Big John: So you should use a condom if you want me.
Mike: That’s not the kind of protection she’s talking about!
>Wait here. If I’m not out in half an hour,
Big John: Don’t bother coming in because I don’t like my sessions getting interrupted.
Mike: Big John!
Crow: [sings] If the house is a rockin’/ Don’t bother knockin’
Mike: [turns] Crow! All right, that does it!
(Mike reaches over and turns Crow off.)
Crow: Ok, ok! I’m sor-
Tom: Great. Now we’re going to have less riffing.
>Take the car and get out of here.
Tom: Dump it in the swamps of New Jersey, and live life on the lam!
>Here are the keys.
Big John: And son, be sure to fill the tank up!
>Make that fifteen minutes.
Big John: Hmm... usually they go for 30 minute blocks... but I doubt one could get off in just 15 minutes...
Mike: No!
>Luke: Don’t worry about I doubt one could get off in just 15 minutes...
Big John: And I suppose you won't let me do this one either.
Mike: You got that right.
>Luke: Don’t worry I’ll keep them right here with the extra ammunition.
Tom: Ah! The curse of my Teflon hands strike again!
>Dakota? Dakota?
Big John: You’ve been stood up, dude! Loser!
>Ad: S.T.Y.L.E.
Tom: And a hair color change for no apparent reason.
>Dakota North investigations
>New York Paris Rome Tokyo
Big John: [sings] London New York Paris Munich/ Everybody talk about/ Pop music!
Tom: Whoa, deja vu.
>Otto: Here are the papers from the studio. I presume you have my money.
Big John: [raps] Yo! We need some money!
Tom: Money, I’m going to get it one way or another.
>Man: Really Otto. You know I never carry that much cash.
Tom: After all, anyone walking the streets of New York at night with more than $5 is begging to be mugged!
Big John: and I’d get a hernia from carrying it all!
>Come by my office tomorrow and I’ll pay you.
Tom: Sure, and when I get there tomorrow, there’s going to be a huge sign that reads: “SUCKER!”
Big John: Say Cleo, what do you think of Hama?
>Cleo’s thoughts: The fool.
Tom: Yea, he never should have taken on Generation X.
>These papers are worthless, but they stopped him from questioning the real reason I hired him.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Not going to touch it with a 10 foot pole.
>Otto: I never did like that woman.
Big John: She was always saying no to me!
Mike: I can’t say that I blame her.
>Dakota: Okay, shanks, that’s enough.
Big John: We don’t want your misogyny around here! We’re going to teach you the true meaning of woman power!
>Thug: I don’t think so.
Tom: He’s going to come with me! He owes me some serious money here...
>I found this guy outside, boss.
Tom: [as a little kid] He followed me home! Can I keep him? Huh? Huh? Can I keep him?
>Luke: I’m sorry, Dakota. It was so boring in the car.
Mike: [as Dakota] I told you to follow my instructions explicitly!
Big John: You can kiss that hum job goodbye!
Mike: (turns) Big John!
>Dakota: I guess you’re ready for some excitement, Luke.
Tom: So pay attention this time! And follow my directions or you’re going to end up in the East River!
>Luke: You bet. I love the night life.
Big John: [sings] I got to boogie/ On the disco Now-ow!
Tom: ARGH!! Kill disco! Kill kill kill kill!!!
Big John: [sings] Kill kill kill kill/ Kill the poor/ Kill kill kill kill/ Kill the poor/ Kill kill kill kill/ Kill the poor tonight
>Someone: Hey! They’re getting away!
Tom: And if we don’t catch them, there goes our money!
>Dakota: I bet he went to a swell school to be able to figure that out.
Tom: Well, he did attend Harvard for awhile, but dropped out when the money ran out.
Mike: And he was so close to graduation too...
>Luke! Start the car up and get us out of here!
Tom: As you wish, Ms. Cliché.
>I’ll hold them off as long as you need.
Tom: But don’t take took long because I’ve only got six bullets!
>Luke: Uh, Dakota, I seem to have misplaced the keys.
Big John: No you didn’t. The thugs stole them! They wanted that car for themselves!
Tom: And the story is conveniently and excruciatingly drawn out further.
>They better be on the ground, not inside.
Mike: You’d lose your own head if it wasn’t attached to you, Luke!
>Luke: Dakota! behind you!
Tom: It’s some dude from an early 1980’s ska band!
>Dakota (?) Ricky! How did you get here?
Tom: [as Ricky] I rode the bus. Unlike some people, I don’t go around swiping other people’s cars.
>Ricky: Hi guys.
Big John: [as Ricky] Chicks dig guys who go through danger, so can I get in on the act?
Mike: [as Dakota] You should be home scarfing chips and diet cola! Get back there at once!
>I called Luke’s and this Anna chick said you were down here.
Tom: [as Dakota] Darn that Anna! I told her to keep this a secret! Am I surrounded by people who cannot follow simple directions here!?
>she was surprised you had a brother, Dakota.
Tom: I told her I was an only child! And you had to go and ruin everything! That’s it, you brat, when we get home you’re getting a time out!
>Dakota: If you don’t get behind this car this instant, I won’t.
Big John: Because I want the pleasure of offing you myself!
>I guess lesson number two isn’t going to be about dishwashing.
Tom: Lesson number two is about taking a bullet for your sister! Come on, get out there and be a decoy!
>Here, do it like this.
Big John: [sings] Nasty habits/ I must condone -
Mike: [interrupts] All right, that does it!
(Mike puts duct tape over Big John’s optical sensors.)
Tom: I guess that leaves just me to do the riffing. Pretty soon you’ll have nobody around, Mike.
Mike: Well, if you people would exercise a little self control here...
Big John: Hey, I can’t help it if someone removed my self-control circuitry.
>Luke: Dakota, I don’t mean to repeat myself
Mike: So don’t! Geez, do I have to do all the thinking around here?
Big John: Mike, this is a Marvel comic. You’re not supposed to think.
>but if you look behind you...
Tom: You’ll have a nice view of the East River in all its foul-smelling, toxic glory!
>Dakota: That’s far enough, Otto.
Tom: You didn’t say “mother may I” so you have to go back to start!
>Otto: Your father couldn’t stop me. You don’t have a prayer.
Tom: My plan will come to life! The editor of this piece will end up writing Generation X!
Big John: You fiend! What could the world have done to you that would warrant such horrific punishment!?
>Dakota: I don’t pray much, toots.
Tom: [sings] Just like a prayer...
Big John: Don’t say a prayer for me now/ Save it until the morning after...
>Luke?: That was cool, Dakota.
Tom: I’ll pay you a lot if you off the writer of this piece!
>Dakota: It would be cooler if we knew who he worked for.
Tom: But alas, like the missing Faberge eggs, we may never find them.
Big John: I think a better question is do we want to find out?
Mike: My money is on no...
>Cleo’s thoughts: Too bad he didn’t kill her.
Tom: I hate women who look better than me in leather!
>At least I won’t have to be his exorbitant fee.
Mike: There’s always a silver lining to every cloud.
>Cleo: We will meet again, Ms. North. And you’ll pay for this.
Tom: All this property damage is coming out of Luke’s salary!
>Caption: A few weeks later, Dakota goes to a party at Luke’s .
Tom: [as Luke] Dakota, darling, you aren’t actually coming to the party wearing that thing, are you? It’s so gauche!
>Luke: The line is sensational, Dakota. Women’s wear simply raved.
Tom: How about modeling my stuff full time? You’d really get away from all this fighting...
>I owe it all to you...
Tom: Because you clued me into hiring cheap foreign labor at a fraction of the cost of American labor! Now I can afford to get you a big diamond!
>Dakota: Pshaw.
Tom: And Pshakespeare too!
Big John: It’s been said that an infinite number of monkeys put in front of an infinite number of typewriters would eventually crank out the works of William Shakespeare. Of course, they’d have cranked out this mess long before that.
>Just doing my job. I love a man whose checks clear.
Tom: Which brings me to your check. I got an NSF on it...
Big John: Yea, and I need the money!
>Luke: You’ll be my inspiration for decades.
All but Crow: He sounds like a future stalker to me!
>Won’t you marry me?
Tom I can do tricks! Look, this coin appeared out of your ear!
>Dakota: Not this time. I have to go.
Tom: I’m leaving you, Luke! You’re pulling dumb magic acts on me!
Big John: I’m leaving you because you won’t sympathize with my feelings!
>Amos: I’ll come with you, Dakota.
Tom: And we can go back to your place and resume what we were doing...
Big John: You never did show me what your bedroom looked like.
Mike: Big John!
>Uh, hi Mad Dog, Ricky. I didn’t expect to see you two.
Tom: [as Dakota] Oh my God you turned my brother into a carbon copy of you! That’s it, Mad Dog, you’re fired!
Big John: [as Amos] Look, since you haven’t gotten rid of the bozo, I’m out of here.
>Dakota: Hi guys. Aren’t you cute?
Tom: I thought Amos was the one you had the hots for.
Big John: Women are very fickle and the guy she’s got the hots for at the beginning of the story isn’t always going to be the one she ends up with in the end.
>Any calls?
Mike: Yea, your phone has been slammed. You’re now with some no-name long distance company that’s charging you $4.50 a minute for long distance.
Big John: Yea, I caught Ricky here making calls to those 1-900 sex lines. You know, he really is a brat.
>Mad Dog: Just your dad. He said to tell you that your husband is in town.
Tom: Dakota’s married?
Big John: Man, that’s a letdown and then some! I don’t have time to go after married babes!
>They’ll meet you for dinner at the Rainbow Room tonight.
Mike: They’re having a special on indigo...
Tom: They ran out of orange last week, though.
>Amos: Husband?
Tom: Looks like I’ve been barking up the wrong tree here!
Big John: Man, there go some of my fantasies.
>Mad Dog: I didn’t know you had a husband.
Mike: Who cares?
Big John: I do! She’s a babe and she should have to settle down with a mortgage, the 2.5 kids, and a house in the suburbs.
Tom: How do you have a .5 kid?
>Ricky: Yea, sis. When did this happen?
Tom: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Big John: [as Dakota] Well, one night I was at a bar when I had a little too much, then the next morning I woke up with rice in my hair, a ring on my finger and some ugly dog on my arm.
Mike: Big John!
>Next:
Tom: On Late Night With David Letterman: Stupid
>Pet Tricks!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Big John turns Crow back on. Door sequence. Bridge. Mike and the bots are standing around. Big John has the tape removed from his optical sensors.)
Mike: Now, where were we?
(The screen comes to life, showing Pearl there.)
Pearl: NELSON!!! You’d better be insane in there!
Mike: Well, let’s think about that one...
(Pause. Mike and the bots then sing.)
Big John:[sings] No
Tom: [sings] No
Crow: [sings] No
Mike: [sings] No.
All but Pearl: [singing] Pearl your evil plan has been foiled again/ That comic was bad but we’re far from insane/ So give up this plan here to take over the Earth/ And prove to us your true worth!
Pearl: DARGH!!! Stop that singing! That was so nice, so happy, so cute.... I hated it! Grr! Curse you, Mike Nelson, but we’ll be back, with something so terrible that the Commission on Superhuman Activities will look like Steven King in comparison!
*Wizard #93.